topic Glass Walls in Depression

Glass Walls

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 21 Jun 2014 09:17:01 GMT

Hi all,

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new.

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up.

Or I thought I would. I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave.

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because I can find no other reasons to stay.

Glass Walls

--Danny-- — Sat, 21 Jun 2014 09:29:02 GMT

Hi GA, it sounds like you're in a bit of struggle at the moment...hopefully things pick up for you soon..there is plenty of support here for u..I'm one of many people who will support u through the tough times!!

Keep strong,

Danny

Glass Walls

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 21 Jun 2014 10:09:43 GMT

I do not think it was their fault. Why would they want to be friends with a screw up like me? There were a few others who I tried to catch eye contact with, but after the earlier conversations I was unable to motivate me myself to try and talk to them. I was so scared of being rejected again, I just couldn't make myself go forward and try.

So its my fault, really. I'm just too weak to knock these glass wallls down. I just curl up and cry behind them.

Glass Walls

--Danny-- — Sat, 21 Jun 2014 10:45:14 GMT

Hey GA, you're no screw up!!! I bet there is plenty of nice things about u...chin up mate, lets work through this!!

Danny

Glass Walls

Girl_Anachronism — Sat, 21 Jun 2014 11:54:02 GMT

Hi Danny,

I am a screw up. I had two really good friends even after the separation. Now I have one. After an incident, detailed in my previois thread, in which one of my friends friends was being an obnoxious drunk. I was perfectly sober but had pushed myself to go out because it was my friends husbands birthday. I shouldn't have. It as pre latest medication, and I lost my temper and attacked the friends friend. No damage done what so ever physically.

I shouldn't have done it. I am not that kind of person. But I did it. And after one questioning text asking why, my friend has not texted me back nor called or messaged on fb or anything. I should habe seen her at the convention today, but missed them.

So I just removed her, and a bunch of friends from that community off my fb. Gone. It hurts to let them go, but the person they knew is gone. That person has been replaced by a person I don't like, I can't respect and I don't even know.

Work through it? I have tried to work through it. I just ended up screwing up more than before. This is just a case in point. I am still trying to work through it, for my cats. But I am so tired. I just want to curl up and cry.

It was my decisions that brought me here. It was my fault.

Glass Walls

--Danny-- — Sat, 21 Jun 2014 12:14:24 GMT

Hi GA, honestly mate, I'm tipping there's been millions of episodes in the world where an obnoxious drunks have been verbally or physically attacked..don't feel bad about that..it's just natural instinct...many drunks are simply repulsive & abusive & deserve a clip around the ears!! If they were real friends they would of seen how this drunk was behaving and stuck up for u? Stuff em I reckon!! Back yourself & don't let anyone put u down!!

Danny

Glass Walls

Apathia — Sat, 21 Jun 2014 13:48:08 GMT

Hi GA,

I've been reading your posts for the last few hours and from the way you write and what you write about I can tell you are an intelligent, decent kind person who has been dealt some crappy life cards- thru absolutely no fault of your own. I felt compelled to open an account to let you know that even thru somewhat hazy veil of the internet you come across as the kind of person the world needs more of.

From your last post I just wanted to give you some unsolicited advice from someone on your side.Your friend texted you but you didn't text back. Is that right? If so you need to get in touch with them before just cutting them off. If they have been good friends in the recent past you need to give them another chance after explaining why/how you feel about the 'incident'. Good friends are hard to cultivate. Even if the person they knew is gone she will be back and maybe you should give them a chance to support you atm....That's how it looks from here anyhow.

Although how useful my opinion is I'm not sure 'cos I have systematically lost contact with all my female friends after their lack of support of me and my own shame and low self esteem etc.

My partner has just walked in to tell me that they've done studies proving that dogs and babies are capable of loving their parent/owner but not cats! I told him to tell that to my beautiful little GG that wants to be near me all the time including on the toilet and if i'm lying face down she'll come and sleep on my back. Pats to your two.

I hope that the fact that a complete stranger, especially one with a screen name Apathia ie apathetic, has made you feel fractionally better. I can see you're a cool interesting person from 6000km away! Damn dysfunctional brain chemistry- who needs it!

Glass Walls

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 00:06:04 GMT

Hi Danny,

No they didn't stick up for me. In fact her husband, who was also drunk, as it was his birthday, eventually joined in on some teasing in the car before the incident. But there are so few people in the world that get me. Losing her hurt, hurt bad.

Hi Apathia,

I am honoured that I could inspire someone to join up here. Welcome to the site regardless. I don't know what you see in me. I don't see it. I just see a mess who has just torn up everyone elses life in the process.

I did text her back, I explained that I lost control, that I didn't know what happened. That I understood if she never want to speak to me again. She just texted back that she wasn't sure how to react. She hasn't contacted me since and it has been a few weeks.

What would I say to her? I already apologised. I already said the truth, that I didn't know what happened to me. I have nothing else to say. Why would she continue to be a friend to a crazy thing like me?

Glass Walls

Neil_1 — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 00:34:22 GMT

Dear GA

You don't want to break down the glass walls. That would be bad. You could really damage YOU - and no, don't say, that would be a good thing. It won't. You need to slowly walk around the edge of the walls & to find the door. There WILL be a door. We need to get you out of there.

That's another beautiful photo of little Elsa. You've inspired me - & so I've got an update photo - is in the system - it's our "Jack" - our so so special puppy - who's 9yo. 🙂

May I ask what the Convention was about?? Sounds like a dressy-up kind of thing - is it something to do with Lord of the Rings? Star Wars? Kids animation movies?

GA, I'm standing up now (damn hard to do while I'm typing - you should try it sometime), standing and applauding you. Why? Because YOU went to the Convention. You could simply have chosen to stay away - you knew there were going to be lots of people there, but you dug deep and you went. Hang on, I'm not finished yet.

And while there YOU sought out people you knew; ok ok, some of the interactions didn't sound as positive as what you may have thought they were; BUT in our mind-sets, we also see or think things that are a lot of the times simply not true or are a twist on how things really are. I know I see some people and I'll comment to someone else, "Did you see the look that person just gave? You know, as in really bad". But when things boiled down to it, it wasn't like that at all. I was just overly sensitive and thought I saw something that wasn't there.

Perhaps, and I'm not saying it wasn't like this, but perhaps, due to your fragile condition at the moment, you "may" have perceived things to be worse than what they really were. Just a thought.

But you have gotta be proud of yourself for going along GA. That's a massively good thing for you.

None of this is your fault - EVER. You also are NOT a screw-up. You're a good person GA, you're one helluva intelligent & incredibly gifted lady, who just happens to suffering a horrible mental illness and on top of that is dealing with an unreasonable ex to help make you feel worse than you should be at this time.

You are in a very low valley at the moment, you think this is where you're going to stay - but it's not going to be always like this. Be proud of yourself for what you did - getting dressed, going to the convention and trying to participate. Use that as a positive experience.

Kind regards

Neil

Glass Walls

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 00:53:54 GMT

Hi Neil,

Yes I went. It was a gift borne of my last friends kindness. it was meant to be fun. Instead it just made me feel more out of place, more alone. It used more of her money. I feel terrible. I should not have gone.

I couldn't even approach alot of them to say hi, couldn't get the courage to even meet their eyes. I wanted so desperately to talk to them and at the same time I wanted them to not see me, I wanted just to disappear.

Yes I went. I should not have gone. It just made everything worse. I just made everything worse.

The kids are running wild as my last friend is very sick with a flu. I should help. I should do something to help. I just can't get out of bed. I can't see people today.

Glass Walls

In_need_of — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 00:55:31 GMT

Hi GA, i can feel where you are coming from. All I can off you is that you are not alone. Best wishes.

Glass Walls

Neil_1 — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 01:06:55 GMT

The kids are young. They are simply having a good time. They've got energy to burn and they're just using it up - they'll have downtime at some stage. But as long as they're not playing with matches or knives (which I'm sure they're not), let them be kids and all will be fine.

You need your own rest - especially after yesterday. But please please dear lady, please don't beat yourself up anymore about the Convention. Please sit back (or lie back - if you're in bed) and THINK of the positives. Where have you been mostly over the last week (in bed, yeah) - what have you had on lately (jarmies, yeah) - how much have you wanted social contact lately (none).

So what happened yesterday, while you think it has made your situation worse, I totally disagree with you. And if you're the other way, then that's fine.

But you got up, you got dressed into that beautiful black and gold dress and then went to the Convention. Not sure if you received a lift to get there; whether you drove or whether you public transported it - but with any of those, you still had to get out and deal with traffic and the public. A1 JOB GA - mega mega kudos to you.

May I ask, with "any" of the people who you saw there yesterday - do you have "any" of their emails? I'm just asking because "maybe" later today, you might just feel like perhaps drafting up a short, simple email to one of them (or two, if you feel ok to do so). Just to say, "Hey, I saw you yesterday at the Convention. Didn't get a chance to have a catch up - but am just wondering how you're going and what did you think of it this year?"

I don't know, just something simple like that? You never know, it might (I'm not saying it will, but it might) just spark up a small email conversation that you might be able to build on? I mean, these are your friends too, aren't they?

Please think about it GA?

Neil

Glass Walls

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 01:10:25 GMT

Hi In need of,

Thankyou. Just...thankyou.

Neil- I forgot to say, the convention was general pop culture. So star wars, star trek, lord of the rings, anime, disney movies, western cartoons, games, comics, everything geeky.

Glass Walls

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 01:32:01 GMT

Hi Neil,

I don't have emails. I havent used them for anything but internet shopping in a long time. Even if I did, it seems like too much effort right now.

I saw them as friends. They probably saw me as an annoyance. A crazy person who can't have a good time. They are gone now, off my fb which was the main way I contacted them, even if all I did was like a post and receive no likes on my statuses. Lingo you wouldn't understand, I know. Know that though there are messaging capabilities, I don't really use them and instead hover on the fringe.

I feel like I should help because this is all in my head. A physical illness seems somehow worse or more legitimate. I know it is stigma, and I am perpetuating it, but it is how I feel. I feel worse that I am in bed with monsters in my head and she is having to get out of bed when she can barely speak. When it is her salary that supports them, supports me mostly.

I just feel terrible today, and don't know how to fix it.

Glass Walls

Mares73 — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 01:33:43 GMT

My treasured friend GA, you are incapable of being the terrible person whose ruined others lives as you have described yourself. Whilst you can't see it-the courage, strength, insight & fighting spirit you have is incredible. Remember Geoff & Neil say if your going through hell keep on going? Well you are going through he'll YET you still managed to do your new patterns, get dressed up in your beautiful black & gold dress AND you attended the convention. That shows incredible strength & is truly an amazing achievement given how your feeling. Re friends you are very fragile at the moment & any true friends will come back to you-they may just have felt unable to have a real conversation with you at the convention. And to be realistic-its rare to find one true friend in this world so you'll find out who that person or persons are over time. You are so down on yourself, it saddens me so much the self criticism-almost self hate that you are experiencing. I so wish I was with you to make you cups of tea & look after you. You are such a truly beautiful, kind, Incredibly intelligent & courageous friend. You have faced & continue to experience such a traumatic period of time in your life. You are dealing with it with such courageous & strength. Yes of course you are hurting deeply, you are so fragile, you feel grief & loss & uncertainty & fear. That's all completely understandable. But it worries me the depth of self loathing you seem to have, you are so critical of yourself & so vulnerable. You are internalizing the grief & pain & then also externalities your pain by blaming & hurting yourself. I worry you may be self harming again. GA please turn to us, please go bk & have a chat & review with the nice GP. You are on my mind everyday-my hearts with you in spirit. Try trust me? You will get through this traumatic time. You will rebuild a life-a life that you get to choose what to do & what you like without being criticized or having to accommodate other needs & wants above your own. You are an inspiration to me.I've seen how you've taken action in the hope of a better life. And that's making me think that I too somehow need to take action to have hope for a better life. The pain for you is so great now that it's allconsuming. But I believe in you so much GA-ahead of you is a new life &you will look back & be glad you took hold of ur life, you will feel free & experience happy times that right now you can't possibly imagine. My love is with you X Mares

Glass Walls

--Danny-- — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 05:21:19 GMT

Hi GA, don't feel bad, by the sounds of it, u should of thrown a drink over there heads & stormed out!! No one should put up with that crap!! They sound like a bunch of immature school kids who haven't grown up!! Personally, I'm proud of the way u handled the situation...I would of deleted anyone from Facebook who participated in the teasing...the way they treated u is a form of bullying....I'd rather be mates with a bunch of crocodiles than them bunch of flogs who treated u this way!! Who do these people think they are??

Not happy,

Danny

Glass Walls

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 07:00:10 GMT

I don't have anything to say. But I am still here listening.

Glass Walls

--Danny-- — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 07:18:36 GMT

GA, u don't need mates like that!! Bullies do this stuff to people all the time...there is usually a small crowd of them...one ringleader who starts the mouthing off & the rest start chipping in..making cruel comments...each person trying to "beat" the last persons cruel comments..it's like a funny game to them all...except for the poor person copping the insults & weird looks....it isn't paranoid thinking GA, this is how cruel some people can be!

Danny

Glass Walls

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 08:41:01 GMT

I felt your reply deserved more than I gave it, Mares. So I'll try. I don't think I'll do it justice. How could a thing like me do that? I'm not good for anything.

I know it was a convention, but they still could have done more. A couple friends I removed because of the incident a couple weeks ago. Others, a much larger number I removed because it was like shedding an old skin. It hurt. But they couldn't even stop and talk to me, some of them and the rest got lumped in with the first lot.

Gone now anyway. It hurts so much right now Mares. I wish you were here with me. I haven't eaten all day, but I could at least absorb the warmth from the cups of tea. I have had so few friends in my life that I just can't trust I'll find more people that are on my wavelength and care enough to try. I'm an oddity, an abomination. I am just beyond the reach of most people.

Then I go and screw thi gs up, like a few weeks ago. I don't know what I am doing here, Mares. I don't know what I am building but doesn't feel good. It just feels like a mess. I want to smash it to the ground. I want to destroy it all.

Yes I hate myself. As for your other concerns...i have been. I don't how else to be.

I don't feel like I am seeing things through a grey veil. I am seeing the truth now, that these friends weren't friends. I lie here, naked to their barbs, their taunts, or worse their cold shoulders. They probably won't even notice me gone off their friends list.

Glass Walls

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 08:51:13 GMT

Hi Danny,

But I thought they were friends. I was bullied in high school, I havea good sense of people. I can spot that sort of person, or so I thought. Thefactthat these were my friends, that they were allowed in behind my walls, and they used that access to hurt me. Alcohol or no, I made the wrong choice of people.

Maybe they never liked me in the first place. Maybe he always thought that. Maybe they saw the real me, and I am the one who is deluded here.