topic My Story - Depression/Anxiety in Depression

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

ontarioguy35 — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 01:30:24 GMT

Where to begin. I’ve struggled with depression for around fifteen years. It’s been a struggle to say the least. I was abused emotional/verbal/psychological by my mother. As a visible minority in non multi-cultural small town, I’ve also experienced high levels of racism. When I was younger (late teens/early twenties) something inside of me knew that I couldn’t start my life until my family issues were resolved. I swallowed my pride and starting seeing a counsellor – one of many to this day. At that age, I was very ashamed of not only the change I was feeling internally, but I was also very ashamed of the dysfunction that was occurring at home. My counsellor naturally suggested that I ask the family member who abused me to join, but unfortunately she was unwilling to acknowledge the truth behind what was going on, at that point in her life. This made me not only feel rejected, but it communicated the opposite of what was preached at home (being accountable and resolving our issues). I started having suicidal thoughts and would play-out vivid fantasies of ending my life. As the thoughts of suicide got worse, I ended up sharing with my parents. I knew I needed emotional support, but it was something they we're unwilling to give at that time in their life - I believe they were in denial about the effects of their abuse. I remember crying for so long, I felt like I completely drained myself of both my tears and emotions. I struggled with violence, promiscuity, drugs, and alcohol throughout my twenties. I’ve tried many things (prescriptions, psychiatry, counselling, anger management); I’ve wanted nothing less than to lead a normal life. I used to get so upset with myself, because I felt like I was unable to control my emotions and just 'get over everything' (I’d randomly break-out in tears; and often felt emotionally fragile and weak around dominant personalities). I was constantly getting bullied/targeted at work (I suffer from extreme anxiety, which makes me come across as either weird or snooty). I ended-up losing two jobs in a row and decided to take a year off and just write/focus on getting better. Within the last year I've rededicated my life to the Lord. I've decided to fight the spirit behind depression and started opening-up about this illness. My dream has always been to write a novel, so I've decided to write a story about the struggles of depression. I've started my journey of facing down the issues behind my emotional scars.

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

Mares73 — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 02:46:26 GMT

Dear OG thank you for sharing your story. As someone who was also abused growing up I can relate to the trauma & devastating effects this can have on your life & sense of self. I have always struggled with low self esteem & doubting myself. Depression and anxiety is a lonely illness. As you mentioned anxiety can take so much from our lives. The eternal search for feeling happiness & connecting with people who relate to us & care. You have been down the many roads of seeking treatment. Are you currently taking antidepressants-it can take time to find the right one but if you do it can be an integral part of your road to recovery. Do you have any close friends or people in your life who understand & accept you for the very special person you are? I know you've decided to return to your faith. Can I suggest sometimes rather than struggling with our feelings it helps more to acknowledge & accept them & then ask yourself what can I do right now to help me manage how I'm feeling. Struggles are are first urge. Surfing the wave, knowing it will change can sometimes help. I too used to belong to a faith but was assaulted by a Priest & am currently going through the Royal Commission into abuse process. Faith is a personal thing, I don't pass jusgement-i just wonder if it's another for of wanting to be accepted by a group of people. Only you know the answer to that. You show strength & courage. You are a survivor. I hope you will stay with us as great understanding & many deep friendships are formed here. You will be accepted & cared for. If you want to consider seeing someone there is a list of GPS here that specialize . I can relate to so much of what you have expressed & the different journeys we take to cope in our search for feeling we are living rather than merely existing. It's an empty feeling living on autopilot not experiencing a sense of fulfillment. It's like we are observing ourselves rather than actively engaging with life. I maybe reaching the word limit. So I just want to thank you again for reaching out. You help others with your story as much as others hope to help you. I sense the caring, deep person that you are & hope to hear back from you. You will be in my thoughts today. Lve Mares (Mary) xxx

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

ontarioguy35 — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 03:48:02 GMT

Thanks for your response and kind words Mares 🙂

~ "It's like we are observing ourselves rather than actively engaging with life."

That is exactly how I felt Mares. I used to describe it as losing my 'lust for life', where I played a secondary role in my life's plot. TBH, I've always had my faith, however, I came to a resolve that I was going to actually allow the Lord to work in my life, by surrendering all and being obedient. The first thing I did was to go through my thoughts and stare-down each of my traumatic memories. This was a really difficult and painful experience. I was shocked at how much hurt and un-forgiveness there was under all my anger and resentment. I was very raw and honest with how I remember feeling during these situations. I gained a glimpse into how deep of an affect these events played on the way I thought and acted. With the help of some spiritually mature friends, they prayed over me and I started going through my life and forgiving all the people that I held un-forgiveness towards. I then asked for forgiveness for all the things that I did, that I felt required forgiveness. It was difficult and at the time I thought it was silly, to be honest. Around six months later I had an opportunity to talk with my parents. Although it wasn't perfect, there was a lot of growth and I was able to express some of the events, how these events made me feel, and how they affected my confidence and emotional climate. I was then able to say I forgive you to my parents and ask them for forgiveness for all the times I rebelled and lashed-out in anger. It was like a bunch of walls came down and I'm happy to say that our relationship is growing and I feel very supported and loved by them. I have a handful of close friends (my parents are now a part of this group) that know about my depression and anxiety and that I can be myself around, that have been nothing shy of an amazing support for me. TBH I used to be so ashamed to mention that I was depressed or had anxiety. Now I'm noticing, the more I mention it, the more certain people will open-up to me and tell me they either are or have dealt with deeper levels of depression. I find it's much better now that I have people I can talk to. I would love to talk more with you Mares. I'm very proud to see the strength in your words and truly appreciate your acceptance and encouragement. I'm running low on my word-count but will add more on a later reply

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

Doolhof — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 05:49:18 GMT

Hi OntarioGuy,

Thank you so much for posting here at BB and for sharing your story. I can so relate to a lot of what you have written. I did not suffer from race abuse, but due to our family not being related to everyone else in our small community, my sisters and I were picked on relentlessly.

My Mother had her own mental health issues that were not dealt with. As a child I certainly didn't understand her behaviour, now as an adult I have sympathy and love for a Mother who was broken and still is in many ways.

In my depression I have felt abandoned, unloved, alone and wanting so much for life to be different. The funny thing is, that people were there for meal of the time, I just didn't realise it! Depression can do that to you! Like you mentioned, once you have the strength to tell others of your depression, you realise how much other people suffer too.

I too have a faith in God, and I know that my faith has saved me many times, knowing how much God loves me and cares for me is an amazing feeling. I know that Christianity or religion of any kind is not everyone's cup of tea, and we as people do seek help and comfort from all kinds of places and people. I am happy for you that your faith is helping you to overcome the sadness of your past.

Forgiveness, that is a huge thing hey! I am so proud of you to ask your parents for forgiveness and to forgive them as well. I forgive a lot of people in my head and in my prayers, but not in person. I benefit so much from not holding a grudge or blaming others for how I am feeling.

I try to understand where my negative thoughts are coming from, look at them objectively and consider if there is much truth in them or not, and how can I change them. It isn't always easy but it certainly helps.

In some ways I am thankful for the hassles that have happened in my life, through them I have become a caring, understanding, concerned person, wanting to help and assist others when I can. It sounds like you too have a heart to listen to others when they mention their depression or anxiety. The world needs people who care for others.

May you find the peace and comfort you need to move on with your life. God bless,

From Mrs. Dools

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

Jo3 — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 10:05:06 GMT

Hi Ontarioguy

Thank you for sharing your story on here. I can relate to emotional abuse as my mum does this to me. Also I was abused as a child and I remembered these traumatic events only 4 yrs ago at age 45.

You know Ontarioguy, you are a survivor, you are here. I too have faith in God but at the beginning I was angry with Him for what had happened to me as a child.

I wish I could forgive the abusers but I still can't, I can't even forgive my parents for not loving me or helping me or even understanding or wanting to understand.

I hope you can stay on here and chat with us, take care

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

ontarioguy35 — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 16:19:01 GMT

Thanks for your reply Mrs. Dools, I really appreciate, not on the support, but you sharing some of your life as well.

I've found that forgiveness was the key, by far (although I'd tried so many times to forgive in my thoughts, my gut or feelings felt contrary for the longest time). I've found - much like you were saying about your mother's mental health issues - that many things we ingest and are hurt by, are actually a result of someone who has been hurt as well, and are allowing their hurt and frustration to manage their thoughts and actions. It is so important to separate the person from their action (despise the action, or the spirit behind the action, not the person). I've found I'm full of sympathy and love and pray for their healing. This has really helped me (my depressed mind likes to hold on to any reason to prove that I'm un-loved, which is a lie.)

Regarding being picked-on, especially in a small town, my heart really goes out to you. I found for myself, when I was younger and beaming with confidence, friendships seemed to happen naturally. It wasn't until long after the abuse kicked in that I found my emotions became more volatile and friendships became very difficult for me to start (I either acted-out for attention or pushed people away, or was abusive myself). I've been learning, from talking with many friends I grew-up with (but wasn't overly close with) that so many people experienced bullying and cruelty to much deeper levels and longer levels than I had experienced. I've found that now days, one of the things that really gives me sincere happiness, is just reaching out to those that seem like they're socially withdrawing. Everyone deserves to be loved and feel respected 🙂

"In some ways I am thankful for the hassles that have happened in my life, through them I have become a caring, understanding, concerned person, wanting to help and assist others when I can."

I commend you for your perspective. I feel the same way. Life is a journey, and a short one at that. Our most valuable resource is love. Depression has taught me to try to see the world through the eyes of others. It has also taught me how could this world can be, so it's my pleasure to do my best to fight against this spirit of loneliness or isolation.

Thanks again for the response and I look forward to talking with you more 🙂

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

AGrace — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 20:20:21 GMT

Hi OG, Mares, and Mrs Dools,

Firstly I wanted to say how moved and touched I was by reading your posts and replies.

I'm reading a book at the moment called "The Gifts of Imperfections". Among other things I suffer from perfectionism. I use the word suffer, because up until now I've only ever known the troubles perfectionism can cause. This book is opening my eyes up to the good, the bad, and the ugly of striving to be perfect in every thing I do. The main thing I've taken away from it so far is that there are many human qualities that people are attracted to when you aren't perfect in every way, but instead experience vulnerability. Like many others, I've always thought being vulnerable meant being weak, and yet I'm learning that it's all part of being human.

Why do I speak of this? Well, I guess because in showing true vulnerability there needs to be a level of self forgiveness. So I wanted to ask how much of your forgiveness is/has been directed toward others, and is this equal to the forgiveness that you show yourself?

A lot of what has been said here struck a chord with me. I've never viewed it in this light, but my father was unfaithful to my mother numerous times throughout my life, and I'm now wondering whether this was a form of Psychological abuse for me? As a child you don't necessarily see your father leaving your mother, you see your father leaving you, and this is what I saw every single time. It certainly made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and I gather this is where the quest for perfectionism has stemmed from.

Despite my parents now being happily married to one another, I am still yet to offer forgiveness toward my father. So I have true admiration for the fact that the 3 of you value forgiveness so much, and have been able to show this even in adversity. So I'm also wondering, for those you have shown forgiveness toward, have they shown any sense of remorse? Or was this unimportant to you? I know that my father feels that he had no impact on us children, and I still struggle with the idea that in showing him forgiveness, I know he will not be apologetic. I hope one day, like the 3 of you I can value forgiveness toward him more than I value his remorse.

Thank you for getting me thinking about this.

AGrace

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

ontarioguy35 — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 23:00:34 GMT

Hi Jo,
Thanks for the reply and I'd be more than honored to stick around here and chat 🙂

I honestly used to feel the same way about forgiveness. It's really difficult to forgive people that have hurt you. I remember an old friend, that was very cruel to me behind my back (he was like this to anyone that would allow him to be). I remember he betrayed me with a girl I was getting to know and my initial thought was to get physical with him. It was just a front though, to cover my hurt, so I decided to just be completely open and honest and well, as I explained how I felt, I began crying. You would think that my tears would make me feel weak. They didn't though. I beleive that because I allowed myself to be vulnerable (I was a pretty aggressive guy at that point in my life) it was like his walls didn't rise. Anyways, what he said to me has stuck with me to this day, and although the truth is hard to hear, it truly will set you free. He said "I did this, because I know you'll forgive me." Anyways, at that point in my life, although I was angry with him, those words sunk in and I just ended our friendship. Until that point we'd argue or fight as these offences became habitual as we entered young adult-hood. I found that I would get angry, vent, then after a while, I'd just forgive and we'd be 'friends' again. After hearing these words it gave me the closure I needed to move on. Basically, although his actions affirmed that he didn't respect me, it was almost as if I needed to actually hear him say that, to properly move forward. Anyways, now days, I have so much that I want to do in my life. I look back at my past and see a hurt young man running away from all the pain and rejection of his youth. I could see how much un-forgiveness limited others that I knew, however, I still wasn't ready to let go. It's been tough (I've actually ostracized myself for six months, while I took some 'me' time to record and analyze my scars and feelings), but once the forgiveness starts to settle in, it's like you see the people that hurt you, or with-held love as people who have their own demons and lies that they're grappling with (those who are full of love, love, you know). Life is too short to allow their decision to not grow and mature to effect your growth and happiness. I'm running low on my word count, but I'd love to chat with you and anything I've been through I'll share openly... It's now my gift to give 🙂

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

ontarioguy35 — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 23:15:33 GMT

Hi AGrace,

I've never heard of the book "The Gifts of Imperfections", however, I'll look for it at the library. Thank you for recommending it 🙂

From my perspective, I'm definitely a perfectionist in some regards. I used to be very insecure in relationships, and I found that I was always trying to 'control' as much of the way I was viewed, by maybe doing too much, or being too romantic for level of comfortability that was established. When I was in it, I wouldn't have seen it this way though, I would have considered it nothing more than me doing my best to be 'the perfect' boyfriend that I desired to be. Looking at it now - I've been celibate and single for over a year now - I can see the 'hot and cold' games that were being played. I found, historically, when a woman would start to grow distant towards me, I would either do the same and let it fall apart or try harder to get her to see that I was indeed a great boyfriend. Now days (and this is me just saying it, being that I'll have to test my theory when I get there 😉 ) I'd prefer to just be direct and communicate better. I found when I was very depressed, it was like my intuition was heightened, however, I found it very difficult to talk about because I was afraid it would make me seem crazy (ie. I can just sense that you're starting to drift away from me emotionally). Now days, to be honest, I'm fine with anyone thinking I'm crazy or weird or whatever. I know what I want, I know what I'm willing to give/sacrifice and I know my value. I don't want to waste time any more so if someone else isn't at the maturity level where they can be honest about their insecurities and be vulnerable, their not the right person for me (the right person will protect my vulnerabilities and encourage me to strengthen my weakness or work on my insecurities - that's growth, right :-)) Either or, it's lonely, and I'm sure I get made fun of lots, but I'm fine with it. Depression has taught me that I'm un-loveable, and I'm unwilling to believe that lie anymore. Depression also tells me that there is no-one out there that will risk it all for love and leave themselves vulnerable. I'll prove depression wrong, by being the change I desire to see 🙂 I've been writing about my battles with depression and I wish I could say it's easy, but it's really tough, but I can say though, with all honesty that it gets easier and easier. I think I just went on a tangent here AGrace and wrote u a novel 🙂

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

ontarioguy35 — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 23:52:06 GMT

AGrace,
I'm sorry, I ranted (I do that) and I neglected to answer your initial question.
~"So I wanted to ask how much of your forgiveness is/has been directed toward others, and is this equal to the forgiveness that you show yourself?"
This is a very good question. The majority of my bitterness was based off all the time I felt like I was wasting. There were many things that I just couldn't over come and it made me so angry. I was angry because I wasted so many nights/moments trying to figure-out why the person who was suppose to protect me and raise me seemed to hate me and reject me. I couldn't overcome my insecurities and the harder I tried the more I became aware of the suffocating feeling of panic attacks. AGrace, I've done so many 'silly/horrible/foolish' things in my life. This left me feeling perpetually shameful for who I was becoming. When I reclaimed my faith or personal relationship with God, I was reminded of the Garden of Eden and how Adam and Eve tried to 'hide their shame' from God. Honestly, I started just confessing everything to people I trusted. Some things were very difficult. I had to see exactly who I'd become and leave nothing left in the closet. Afterwards it was important for me to go through some of the major things I'd done and analyze exactly why I did them. It was hard (and embarrassing at times) but I started to forgive myself. I started to comfort myself and forgive myself. In a way it was like I was re-examining all that's happened and using a 'healthy' perspective to analyze things and leave them isolated to those events (my depressed mind likes to generalize). Regarding your father, I can see how that would affect your views/opinions on trust. I personally think that many times depression is generational, because as much as parents want to be honest, if their actions are based off lies, children pick these things up and naturally erect walls and strong-holds to protect themselves. The sad reality is, sometimes by protecting yourself, you will push the right people away. I've found some remorse in others, but most times, I think people repress things until they're ready to confront those things they're shameful of. A few times I've been attacked with aggression from family members when talking about certain things. It wasn't until after prayer and feeling the Lord wanted me to go in, that the walls seemed to drop and the dialog began (with other Christians). Prayer has really worked in my life 🙂

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

geoff — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 00:33:09 GMT

dear OG, whow, what a great response you have been able to get from all these lovely people, who have been done a similar road to you.

It doesn't matter if you yourself believe in a faith, a God or any other spiritual force, if that's what you find helpful then that's what you should follow, and because I personally don't have any religious belief, doesn't mean that I am right in having my own beliefs and to criticise you, because there's no purpose for me to do this.

Well there are so many excellent points that have been made, so I don't need to reiterate them, so maybe I can explain my situation which may relate back to you.

Many of the problems I had while growing up starting at school were all hidden by my OCD a really powerful illness that makes you do habits and rituals which psychologically disturb you.

It can help you in situations where you are emotionally and physically abused, although the former was the worst, because I was a big kid, often known as the 'good bully' in primary school, even though within this person there lay a great deal anxiety all hidden by my OCD, so virtually I was a closed unit, and when any situation became worse I would climb into this unit, which no one could penetrate.

I easily could get upset as a child, and the reasons were if I was ostracised, felt unsure of myself when all my 'mates' were going out with girlfriends, because I never had any confidence, let alone go out with any female, so my depression was sizzling away, but again hidden so that no one knew, so I climbed back into my OCD shell.

The only situation I really liked was my sport where I could play without any trouble of doing any habits or rituals, this was my only relief.

I will have to continue on with this. Geoff.

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

Mares73 — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 00:38:52 GMT

Dear OG thank you for all your responses & insight you have shared with others. As some know, I grew up in a family where my alcoholic father abused me emotionally, physically & sexually. Towards the end of his life he was homeless & very sick. Noone in my family would go to the hospital when a social worker located us & asked for a family member to visit & help discuss options. I did go. I helped him get housing, help for depression & rang him each day. I saw him as a man in deep pain & not the violent father who terrorized me. I came to accept he had suffered so much. Sadly he committed suicide 3 yes ago but I'm glad I did what I did. I was also sexually assaulted by a Priest when I was 13. Only now am I facing this through the Royal Commission. Then 2 yes ago I was sexually assaulted by a stranger & my husband got acute leukemia with a poor outlook. I still struggle with very low self esteem, blame myself for most things, get bad bouts of anxiety & have isolated myself to the point I' m alone all day. Yet I crave the social bubbly person I used to be. I know I have so much to accept & live with. I'm just still struggling with the effects of what I've experienced. I would do anything to help someone else yet I haven't yet learnt how to accept myself. I have self hate & self doubt. I'm reading "The Happiness Trap" which I really relate to. I crave feeling a sense of peace. I feel I am existing rather than actively engaging in life. So much fear. So I have a lot to work through. I admire your courage. You are obviously now able to confront past traumas & work through them. I hope to learn this. I try to be humble. I am patient & care deeply for others. I still have a hard journey to address my issues. Thank you for your insight, your ability to face what's happened in your life & work through it is admirable. You have great strength & courage. You are inspiring. I'm so glad for you that you've accepted yourself & can now work through things you need to without being overtaken by self hate. I'd love to talk to you more. You show the difference that having hope & trust can make in one's life. Given the raw pain you previously experienced I have such gratitude for you sharing your experience. Please stay with us. Your a strong honest special person who much can be learned from. Big hug! Love Mares x

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My Story - Depression/Anxiety

ontarioguy35 — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 01:14:22 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your reply.

I hear what you're saying, regarding God and Faith. I'm not one to push my beliefs, however, I always feel the need to give credit where credit is due 🙂

Regarding your OCD, thank you for sharing. You seem to have an immense amount of insight into this disorder, which I'm sure has not only helped your in your life, but has (and will continue) to be a powerful tool to help others who are going through similar situations.

How is your OCD today? Do you find that you still rely on rituals or habits? I've found that organized sports has really helped me as well. I found for myself, I have both an over-active imagination, as well as I seem to feel the need to 'make sense' or analyze the mess out of everything. When I'm truly 'zoned' into a sport, I find I can just focus on what I'm doing and take things 'step-by-step', in the moment. I've found that my life parallels this as well, in terms of I often get carried away fantasizing or thinking about how things in the present can evolve into the future, instead of just being 'in the moment' and living 'one day at a time'. I'm not sure if this is symptomatic of OCD as well or not though (It's like I desire control over any direction I choose). Being aware of it is the first step though, so I'm doing my best to continually apply what I've learned.

I'd like to chat more and learn more when you're free, Geoff. Thanks again for responding.

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

Doolhof — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 11:07:25 GMT

Hi to everyone contributing here,

There really is some great encouragement, acceptance and help happening here. Isn't that what we all strive for in life, to feel accepted as we are, to receive encouragement and help when we need it. I am so very thankful I have managed to find Beyond Blue. Before connecting here, I did a lot of trying to look after myself, and often just went around in endless circles!

I do have a couple of close friends whom I share my depression with, my bad days and the really ugly ones as well. It is interesting to get my friend's feed back, as one is a Christian and the other believes in the powers of the universe and consulting with the dead. The last lady has her own views and I have mine. It is not for me to judge anyone. but like you OntarioGuy, I have so much to thank God for.

AGrace, you asked about forgiveness. I have always found it easier to forgive others than myself for many years. I am so thankful I don't feel that way any more. To me forgiveness and acceptance go hand in hand. There are lots of events in life we will never be able to forget, but to smother those dark occasions with forgiveness and acceptance helps me.

Here's a funny little story about forgiveness. My first husband used to beat me up frequently and enjoyed doing even more if his mates were around. The next day he would always ask for forgiveness. Then it would happen again. In the end I left him and he found out where I was hiding from him. I told him that I forgave him for all he had done to me and he told me there was nothing to forgive him for as he was my husband, I was his wife and he could do to me what he liked.

To help me over that time with him, I have prayed for God to fill me with His amazing love, peace and comfort and I have forgiven him. I have accepted that what happened was not at all my fault. I really don't like that expression that "it takes two to tango!"

I have tried to tell other people face to face that I have forgiven them, some have laughed in my face and others have asked what on earth do I think they have done that needs forgiving. A bit like my first husband. So to answer your question AGrace, forgiveness for me is in my heart and in my mind and is not often spoken out lous to the other person involved.

I'm so thankful I forgive myself, that I believe I am here for a purpose, that I can make a difference to the world, and I have God's love to share with others.

Cheers , Mrs. Dools

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

Mares73 — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 21:28:56 GMT

Dear OG (& friends) I shared my private story above. Don't think you've read it yet. I just wanted to add that in no way do I see myself as a victim of such abuse & trauma. But on the other hand I struggle with my sense of self -my psych says it's because I never received any validation for who I am growing up & the majority of my experience has been trying to deal with the effects of what's happened to me. For example psych encouraged strongly to go to Royal Commission to be heard & validated. So I went. But I came out feeling empty-thinking I've just told my story to a stranger whose hearing stories to inform changes in the church etc yet they are not going to look into this priest who I discover is still working with kids. That's outside their terms. So I can't possibly feel at ease & have now sought legal help to have my case put to the Church itself where they will have to look at this Priest & I hope for an apology from the church for silencing my mum many years ago when she sought help from senior clergy. I am terrified I admit freely. The priest will be told of my allegations & can respond but the evidence is strong & whilst I never did it forccompensation-i did it for other girls-if I'm compensated I will accept that. Where I think I struggle is how to build a strong sense of self outside my experiences. "The Happiness Trap" is a bit along Buddhist principles. It says we can't change our thoughts & feelings but we can work on the power we give them rather than taking action along the lines of where we want to be. So one example would be I'm very anxious, I try to observe this & acknowledge yes I'm very anxious. Have I been here before? Yes. Will struggling with my feelings help? No. So I accept I'm anxious & sit with it not struggling & then think what action could I take right now that would put me back on the path I want to be? And try & take that action whilst still anxious & see how it changes. It goes against CBT which I never found realistic & is great for those who have tried other approaches that don't work. Fear & avoidance are my battles. Not easy to put into practice but far better than been told to chang my thinking & feelings more positively which is how I found CBT. I'm amazed at what you've achieved emotionally & you suggest it's all a result of help from the church & your faith. I truly find that incredible. Do you still experience bouts of anxiety & depression? I'm running out of Word limit. Hope you can reply Lve Mares x

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

Mares73 — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 23:18:49 GMT

P's OG I forgot to say having grown up in the Catholic faith one of the big phrases was "things happen as they are meant too". Now if you've read my posts you'll probably understand why I struggle with that. How could those things be meant to be? To make me a stronger pwrson? They have traumatized me & damaged me. I really am confused about faith. Look at the suffering in the third world-is that God & how could any positives come from that? I'm really interested in your perspective. What if you were hit by a serious bout of depression-an illness-how would you view it now & what help would you seek? Sorry if I've overloaded you with my posts. Love Mares x

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

ontarioguy35 — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 00:49:34 GMT

Thanks for the response Mrs. Dools... I agree that there is a lot of sharing, support, and encouragement going on in this post and I'm truly thankful to each one of you for sharing/interacting.

I'm finding this site to be very important as well. I've been blessed with friends that I can open-up to about depression, however, this past year, I found myself really distancing myself from everyone and well, that left me a lot of time to analyze and 'spin the wheels in the mud'. I feel it was needed though 🙂

I'm sorry to hear about your ex husband's abuse, but am very happy to hear that you are no longer exposed to it. It sounds like you've found your forgiveness and are moving forward in your life. This is very encouraging to hear and I wish you all the best.

I too don't agree with the cliché, 'it takes too to tango'. Sometimes this is true, but sometimes one person is the victim to another persons aggression (miss placed anger). I find that people in denial will use anything to justify what they're doing (I've been guilty of this many times in the past too). This just reinforces my desire to be as brutally honest as I can be with myself. I don't ever see a reason for me to take my aggression out on anyone else, so I do my best to face my fears and insecurities and when it all becomes too much, I reach-out to friends and family and now here 🙂 You sound like you've really matured emotionally Mrs. Dools; this is really nice to hear (true growth always comes at the cost of pain).

I give you a lot of credit for having the strength to vocalize your forgiveness. Sometimes it's not accepted, but that's out of our control. Good for you, for having the desire and composure to do this, it must take a lot of strength 🙂

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

ontarioguy35 — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 01:14:22 GMT

Hi Mares,

Thanks for your reply and for sharing such intimate parts of your past and the abuse you've survived. I gain so much strength by reading your testimony. To hear that you reached-out to your father (after all that he did) and helped him is a testament to the compassion that you have in your heart. I really admire how you were able to look past his actions and see the hurt man that was tormented by all of the pain. I've found that has been the key for me as well - to not detest the person, but rather detest the actions or spirit behind the actions (anger, hate, jealousy, ect.).

That is horrible to hear that you were sexually assaulted by a Priest. I wish I could say that this is the first time I've heard about Priest doing this, but sadly I can't. Also, I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you two years ago, and about your husbands diagnosis. I wish I had the proper words to say to you, but I don't. But I can and will send my support to you and if you ever need to talk to vent or whatever, please feel free to send me a message. This must be very tough what you are going through.

I too struggle with self-loathing and low self-esteem. I find the root cause of depression for myself is allowing these past situations to create this bubble of fear that is based off truths that I've experienced.

You are a very strong person Mares and I'm certain that you are a light in many, many people's lives.

I will look for "The Happiness Trap" the next time I'm at the library. Thanks for sharing. I can relate to your feeling of desiring 'peace', I feel the same way. I felt/feel like my internal climate is a constant storm, and all I desire is a day of peaceful, calming weather, so I can 'relax' and just be.

Thanks again for sharing, and I will most certainly do my best to answer your questions on another post.

OntarioGuy

How have you been holding up? Do you have

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

geoff — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 02:05:04 GMT

dear OG, thanks for replying back to all of us, and I would like to comment on certain comments from these wonderful people, but what I want to do is that yes I am so willing to talk to you about OCD as I have had it for 54 to 55 years, as I have just turned 60 years old, old hey, but what's the saying 'none the wiser', I hope that's right when it comes to having OCD, I hope that I'm not too prudent in saying this, but after all those years, it's been a trip and a half.

I can relate to what you are saying, and you are a terrific chap, and I will reply back to you in the morning which I am so sorry for, because my medication makes me tired, and the reason is that I have to take a heavy dose of anti-epileptic but I log on at about 12.01 am, in which there is a habit in this, but please ask me anything you want, I will be so pleased to talk about it with you.

I talk to many people who have OCD and we talk for awhile as they have many questions or queries which I am so happy to discuss with them, but from what I have said strikes a chord with you, so ask anything you want. Geoff.

My Story - Depression/Anxiety

littleme — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 06:57:51 GMT

Hi this is my first time in one of these forums but i have tried to find a meet group close to me but cant so thought i would try this. I am 52 yrs old and i have suffered with anxiety and derpression for about 30yrs i have come along way but even though i understand what it all is it it dosnt make it any easier when you get anxious or depressed.i hate setbacks they seem to effect me realy bad sometimes i can get out of a setback but othertimes they can linger on for days so then it is hard to feel semi normal again and so the circle starts again. i am working for the first time in 30yrs just partime but that can be anything from 4 to 8 days a fortnight and enjoy it as it is just across the road from where i live so i can walk there. most mornings whether i am working or not i wake up feeling anxious sometimes not to bad other times worse but i get up and soldier on. my biggest concern atm is that i rely to much on my partner and a close friend i talk to both of them on the phone everyday as it makes me feel better, i need to know where they are most of the time as i dont like being alone so talking on the phone is like a comfort thing i would like to try and break away from this and just rely on myself as i know this would give me more confidence so basicly what i am asking is if anyone out there feels like me where they dont like being alone for to long and how to get confidence in myself again and live a semi normal life . the days that i dont work i get very board so i try to keep busy otherwise i just get anxious and start to think of how i feel . i have a great support network in my family and friends but they dont really understand as they dont have anxiety or depression hope this all makes sense thanks