topic Not Waving, Drowning in Depression

Not Waving, Drowning

MattJ — Thu, 28 Nov 2013 15:54:44 GMT

Hello.

I've been struggling with depression for far too long, and tried to get professional help earlier this year. 6 months of counselling didn't help, and my coping mechanisms of binge drinking, binge eating and lying to myself and others have stopped working. On top of this, I though being unfaithful to my wife of 13 years would help, unfortunately, all that's done is end my marriage.

I'm no good at maintaining any relationships, as such I have no friends (and as of 7 hours ago, no wife) to talk to. It's too difficult to talk to work colleagues about my mental health due to the stigma this attaches to you.

To try something different, I've booked an appointment with my GP tomorrow and will ask advice regarding psychiatric treatment. Previous therapy has also indicated presence of alexithymia so I don't know if this has complicated any other therapies in the past.

All this has come to a climax today, and I don't feel anything. No anger, no anxiety, no remorse, no shame, nothing. Just a void of emotion in a listless existence. The only good part of the story is that the void has created a calm spot to tread water for a moment - unfortunately, I'm to far out to sea to make it back to shore. Most definitely drowning, not waving.

Not Waving, Drowning

tanhal1 — Fri, 29 Nov 2013 01:47:49 GMT

Hi Matt,

I'm sorry to read your post. I'm not sure really what to say. It spoke to me. I fight loneliness, but have a husband. I've sort comfort in the arms of others. I push family and friends away, do whatever I can to try to destroy my marriage but then have screaming negative thoughts about loneliness and anxiety attacks cause 'no one loves me'.

But, Matt. Things are getting better for me. Slightly. Exercise, honesty and the mindspot program (Google it)

All the best to you.

Not Waving, Drowning

MattJ — Fri, 29 Nov 2013 13:03:55 GMT

Hello tanhal,

I can relate to pushing family away - Christmas shouldn't be an issue this year as I will be spending it on my own. I hope yours is better.

Thanks for the reference to Mindspot - I checked it out and did some reading. I think it may be helpful.

I followed through with the GP and the referral to psychiatric assistance. Appointment should be verified next week. All my GP wanted to do was give me medication, so it was a bit of a fight to get the referral - why do they have to make something that is already so hard even harder?

Spent the afternoon cycling between weeping uncontrollably and slipping back into the emotional void. I'm really not enjoying this ...

Not Waving, Drowning

geoff — Fri, 29 Nov 2013 19:07:27 GMT

dear Matt, I had to google alexithymia as I had no idea of what it was, let alone how they bring this illness and name it as such.

I feel as though you had a sudden urge to have an affair, simply because the binge drinking etc. wasn't suitable to your wife, so there was no physical connection between either of you, it may have been exciting, but now the marriage has ended, and the likely hood of it finishing in the long run would have been on the cards.

Alexithymia is a very damaging illness and maybe most people with depression may have a bit of it, but if you have it in a bad way then any relationship is going to be a struggle.

It's an awful part of depression that would restrict any marriage or relationship from succeeding, let alone being void of being able to keep friends.

I feel for you by being by yourself at xmas, and as much as it's a difficult time for so many people, me included, I hate those who won't be able to 'enjoy' this feastive time.

Matt this is going to be a very lonely and difficult time for you, and I hope that this new counselling will be able to help you. Geoff.

Not Waving, Drowning

tanhal1 — Sun, 01 Dec 2013 06:42:11 GMT

Hi Matt,

Bike riding also makes me cry...it's that damn lactic acid!

Let me know how you go with the psychiatric visit.

All the best.

Not Waving, Drowning

MattJ — Sun, 08 Dec 2013 04:29:22 GMT

Ellon tanhal,

Cycling ... Like switching between, not bike riding.

Tried to get a psychiatrist appointment, but in the private system there's a 6 month waiting list. Through the public system, it's still 6-8 weeks.

Now I'm moving between 3-5 days of starving myself, then binging on junk food. Spending most of the day in bed ... Can't even concentrate on watching anything on television.

geoff, I take your point about the Christmas period, but it's time to lock myself away for the next 4 weeks. Last thing I want to see now is people having a good time with friends and family, as it's a reminder that I don't have either.

perhaps I should drink myself into insensibility to stop myself from being self-destructive in other ways.

Not Waving, Drowning

tanhal1 — Mon, 09 Dec 2013 01:14:18 GMT

Ellon MattJ,

Cycling still sucks both literally and metaphorically.

Your going shitty.

Alcohol is not a friend. It's capable of making you feel so so much worse. Even when you think that's not possible. Be careful.

You sound like your punishing yourself.

Your GP didn't sound awesome.

Maybe you could see someone else?

I've not had much luck with 'help' - But let's hope.

All the best.

Not Waving, Drowning

beyondblue_Online_Communi — Mon, 09 Dec 2013 03:59:31 GMT

Hi there,

We hope that you find some support here on this website. We also wanted to let you know that you could contact the beyondblue helpline on 1300 22 4636 in order to get some more advice about where to access services. 6 months sounds like a really long time to wait for an appointment. Are you planning on seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Seeing a psychologist may have a more reasonable wait list and they could work with you on building some coping mechanisms in the meantime.
take care and keep in touch.
Beyondblue Team

Not Waving, Drowning

MattJ — Mon, 09 Dec 2013 07:10:57 GMT

Hello,

I'be booked an appointment with a psychologist as well, which is tomorrow, but it's not my regular guy, as he is on holidays until February.

Psychiatrist appointment has been booked for the middle of January, leaving me high and dry in the interim.

Welcome to the silly season with little to no support 😞

Not Waving, Drowning

geoff — Mon, 09 Dec 2013 14:23:10 GMT

dear Matt, you might be lucky as this new psychologist could have the magic wand that we were hoping for. Good luck. Geoff.

Not Waving, Drowning

Salba — Mon, 09 Dec 2013 20:44:08 GMT

Hi Matt,

Good luck with the psychologist.

Just thought I'd chime in from someone who has been stumbling along with depression for more than half my life. Dealing with the mental health system for the past 18 years you learn a little bit about how it works.

Just be aware that a Psychiatrist is a medical Dr who specialises in mental health. If your GP wanted to put you on meds that is probably going to be what the psychiatrist will say too.

I have to be on medication to function and in my experience, most of what psychiatrists do is oversee your medication. All of the talking stuff I have done has been with psychologists.

I hope you can find the help you need

Sal

Not Waving, Drowning

MattJ — Wed, 11 Dec 2013 00:08:51 GMT

Hello Sal,

Thanks for sharing your experience. I was reluctant to just get on the medication merry go round with the GP, and if that's what end up happening, then so be it.

Generally, I dislike people, so talking to anyone is difficult. Probably why the psychologist hasn't been able to help so far. I guess my expectation is that someone who knows what they're doing with any potential medication is going to provide a more positive outcome than a GP whose stock standard answer to depression is to write a script and tell you to keep coming back for more.

Tried a different psychologist yesterday, but just started back at the beginning, more outlining history and what I've tried to do to overcome depression in the past, which is frustrating because you know that this just puts you back to square one. It also adds to the feeling that this person can't help, because here I am, back at the start with no progress. It's unfair on them, but that's how I feel when I'm there.

People keep asking me what I want, and the only answer I have is to not feel like I do. I can tell it frustrates them, and you can almost hear them thinking, "then change". Almost at the point where it's better to be isolated than face the same idiocy over and over again. I get angry so easy that I'm sure it's not going to be pleasant if someone actually says, "just get over it".