topic The hurricane in Depression

The hurricane

gremz — Thu, 14 Aug 2014 09:44:43 GMT

i think everyone who has experienced returning chronic depression must know this feeling.
When you know the darkness is coming but there's nothing you can do to stop it.
the storm comes and your holding on trying not to be sucked up into the turbulent destructive hurricane that will eventually spit you out in the middle of no where with nothing, once again.

i dont know why its coming and i dont know what to do. there is no point in working because i am (physically) sick more days than well. I try to catch up with friends and family but i struggle to enjoy their company and the paranoia sets in. not to mention the constant fatigue and irritation.

I thought i was doing ok -much better than last time- but every time someone asks me how i am, i struggle to act as fine as i say i am.

is there any way out, to stop the storm, or is this just something I continuously must fight each year until i get strong enough to stop letting it affect my health?

Antidepressants only keeps me out of hospital.

The hurricane

Zoe__lt_3 — Fri, 15 Aug 2014 04:52:59 GMT

Hi Gremz,

Sounds like you’re in a tough fight. I’ve had severe depression for many years and I understand your pain, confusion and tired frustration. My meds seem to help a little in calming my inner demons, but I also found doing a hobby was helpful too. I actually have lots of hobbies – possibly all due to my attempts at coping.

Art and music are my favourites, and maybe something that fills your concentration and calms your mind will help you. Hobbies are a great way of doing something that you can concentrate on and even enjoy. It doesn’t always work if I’m too far down, but I surprise myself with the positive effects my hobbies often have.

Good Luck and keep us posted on your progress.

Zoe x

The hurricane

Roachy — Fri, 15 Aug 2014 05:42:56 GMT

Hey Gremz,

Thanks for sharing where you are right now.

There are a lot of ways that could possibly contribute to helping you weather the storm, but it comes down to personal preference and what you think might keep you occupied enough to think positively.

For me, I love running. It's a solace for me. I forget everything else.

Footy training is another. You can't really get caught up because you don't have the time to. You're in the moment which is great for someone like me. When I finish, it's a challenge to remain positive but I do feel a lot better for being around mates.

As difficult as it can be, try and focus on something that makes you happy.

The hurricane

gremz — Fri, 15 Aug 2014 09:41:56 GMT

Hi Zoe and Roachy

thanks for the help.

i'm not even doing that badly at the moment.. i just feel myself slipping. i've been here so many times before i know all the signs but it doesnt seem like theres anything i can do to prevent getting completely immersed.

ive tried upping my medication but it just made me sick.

I have been trying to link in with a mental health worker so i guess all i can do is take you advice and ask them to help me find a hobby that is affordable, i think sports sound the best since i believe a healthy body is a good road to a healthy mind. although social anxiety and a vivid memory of being bullied during gym classes doesn't help my motivation.

im just so sick of being called lazy or weak or not trying by people that dont understand.
its a struggle just to get out of bed... but all they see is that i havent done the dishes.

The hurricane

AGrace — Fri, 15 Aug 2014 10:09:51 GMT

Hi gremz,

I'm glad Zoe and Roachy have given you some advice that you've found useful.

I like your explanation of depression as a Hurricane, it literally comes by and causes devastation to everything in it's path.

By the sounds of it you have at least seen a GP, as you mentioned that you do take ADs. Are you also seeing a therapist? Or have you done so in the past? I agree that medication helps to a certain extent, but I also find I have to add to this coping strategies like distress tolerance, distraction, mindfulness, and as the others mentioned keeping busy with exercise or hobbies when you can.

In short.

Distress Tolerance - Learning to self soothe by listening to music, doing something calming like reading, writing, having a cup of tea, a muscle relaxing bath/shower, using some positive affirmations "This too shall pass" or "I can get through this".

Distraction - Doing something to distract from your thoughts, feelings, urges. Opposite Actions are a good example of this. I feel like staying in bed, instead I will get up and make my bed, I feel like crying, instead I'm going to watch a funny movie, I feel frustrated, I'm going to go for a walk or run etc. Sometimes you only need to distract for 5 minutes before the feeling, thought, or urge pass.

Mindfulness - A very common coping method which enables us to be aware of the present moment rather than ruminating or worrying. I'll leave it to you to google this, there are apps, youtube clips, and cds available that will guide you through mindfulness practice.

I often find that people pick some of these strategies up when things get bad, but as soon as they feel well enough they stop doing them. It's been my experience that you have to practice these skills daily.

You probably already know that sleep and diet also play a factor.

In regards to work, I'm currently not working, but I do think eventually work gives you a routine, and also keeps your mind occupied. Perhaps you want to try some volunteering to begin with, where hours and days are not so rigid. Then think about some light, part time work.

I also wanted to ask whether anyone has done a relapse prevention/ crisis management plan with you? My partner and I leave mine in a prominent place, and I refer to it to remind me of the things I need to do to stay well just about every day.

I don't know whether it ever vanishes, I've suffered on and off for 20 years and also have BPD, but I do think it can become more manageable.

AGrace

The hurricane

gremz — Fri, 15 Aug 2014 11:53:35 GMT

ive seen a lot of therapists in the past. i had a stable counselor for 3 years but she went on maternity leave in January and i have been struggling to find someone new to connect with since.

i think you have a really good point about feeling well so stopping looking after yourself as much. i was diagnosed with bpd 2 years ago but this year i had been doing so well i started questioning if there was even anything wrong with me. i felt fine and so thought i was cured for good or that it was the wrong diagnosis. i suppose next time that will be something to look out for!

i am currently studying and have no car so theres not much work opportunities for me for now. once i get my license i can begin a career in welfare work but i just dont feel ready for that.

i have been doing that distress tolerance thing. but its the only technique ive been using, just staying safe at home with relaxing music. so ultimately not helping myself at all. i have social anxiety as well, so when i get depressed its pretty easy to fall into the trap of never leaving the house. i have been going out once a day tho, even if its to just get coffee down the street and bring it back home.

i have never done a crisis management plan.. i think i will definately bring this up when i am linked in with a new worker.

thanks Agrace, its so good to be able to talk to someone

The hurricane

geoff — Sat, 16 Aug 2014 16:32:17 GMT

dear Gremz, I'm pleased that you have a few replies, so this makes you feel much more wanted and comfortable.

I can relate to what you are saying, because I am prone for having a relapse, and maybe that's because I live alone and don't have anyone in my life.

I know when any relapse is going to happen, as it starts off with being sad, which doesn't help anybody's depression and it builds up and up until I can't stop it, but I now know that it's only going to last for a few days, which is what it does, and then I'm over it.

It doesn't matter if it lasts for 2 days or even 2 weeks, because this makes no difference, because when you know you will become better, then that's the strong point, so I just let it ride out.

I am on the max. dosage so my doctor wouldn't even think that by increasing it would make any difference.

Why are we susceptible for having them, well we maybe able to control our depression to a satisfactory level, but I'm not sure that we can ever get rid of it. Geoff.

The hurricane

gremz — Mon, 18 Aug 2014 22:32:38 GMT

hi Geoff

thanks for your reply.
You have a great point at always knowing it will end. Although mine usually lasts months, so its easy to forget...

I have decided the next time I am happy to write about it, to remind myself what it feels like and how great life can be when i get down.

I guess at least we appreciate the sun a lot more than others who do not experience a storm. maybe it balances it all out.

The hurricane

gremz — Wed, 27 Aug 2014 12:06:53 GMT

The hurricane ventures closer and now I'm stuck in the fog.

Three months ago I did the K10 with my psych and scored moderate for everything (which is the best I've ever done)

Now my depression is in the high range again and I havent had any support for 2 months.. Its so exhausting. I have arranged all my own referrals and everything but the mental health system is just so full I keep having to wait a bit more..

Ive found relief in helping others -friends- , although its short lived and drains my energy even more. Its getting harder and harder for my boyfriend to stay supportive of me when I barely get out of bed some days. its hard for him not to see me as lazy and resent me when he comes home from 12 hour shifts - crazy to think only a few months ago I was studying, working and keeping a social life!

I dont think I'm posting this for any other reason than to track my progress and cling to reality - to avoid getting swept away by the whirlwind of destruction. Maybe to get it off my chest, because there is NO ONE to talk to. Maybe because I dont know what else to do. Its so foggy I can't see. Practicing positivity helps..

Going on a healing retreat in November, can't wait.

What else can I do? I cant even study anymore, I cant concentrate. I can barely sit through class without crying.

The hurricane

AGrace — Wed, 27 Aug 2014 13:10:13 GMT

Hi gremz,

I'm surprised you have to wait for a Psychologist appointment. In the interim have you tried your local community mental health service? Most offer free services for counselling and group therapy. When you say you have done all your own referrals, have you actually been to your GP?

I'm sure if you asked him, your boyfriend would know that you're unwell. It's not that you are being lazy. If you had a physical problem, you would need to take time off as well.

It sounds like you have difficulty getting motivated, have you had a look at any of the posts in the threads Finding Motivation or Finding joy when times are dark?

It might be worthwhile to put your studies on hold for now? Are you able to speak with a student counsellor?

I hope to hear back from you, feel free to get everything off your chest here.

AGrace

The hurricane

gremz — Wed, 27 Aug 2014 13:33:42 GMT

I was seeing a psych already but she went on holiday, and I had to wait for her to come back for a referral to a local mental health service and I've run out of free sessions with her in the meantime. Any services that arent specialist just refer me on or send me away because Im too difficult and out of their expertise. My doctor will just try to get me to take more meds but they turn me into a zombie. She never listens to me. Last year I was getting migraines and she kept trying to give me anti psychotics when it turned out all I needed was glasses!

I have asked and talked to my boyfriend about it and I can see he is trying really hard to understand but it just seems like he's running out of patience.

I can't put my studies on hold or ill have nothing else to concentrate on, my mum and dad will be so upset and Ive already paid. If i stop studying my mum will think I'm going 'bad' again, and last time she got so worried she had to have therapy! I dont want to worry her.

Im going to look at the posts but it just feels like I know what I have to do, I just cant do it. I'm just so sick of acting fine and everyone putting pressures on me and thinking ill be ok because I seem ok. But at the same time I cant say anything because ifeel like Ill let everyone down if they realise they can't lean on me. I just need to talk to someone so bad and its so unfair i have to wait this long! Ive tried writing and drawing and it helps, but i still feel so overwhelmed. So stuck..

The hurricane

gremz — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 01:03:30 GMT

Hi Amber,

I just wanted to thank you for listening/talking to me last night. It helped me cry out the negative and feel a little less weighed down. It really helped much more than I thought it would. I feel a lot better today, have looked at the motivation post and am going to write a few easy goals now. Lucky I have already made myself a happy music playlist to start my day 🙂

Thanks again,

Gremz

The hurricane

Zoe__lt_3 — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 04:05:44 GMT

Good luck Gremz,

Keep up with the motivation and positive thoughts. Even start small with a couple per day and slowly build up over time... It works for me and often reduces my worst days.

Have you considered trying to do something really nice for your boyfriend? Something to show how much he's appreciated for his patience and support - I know it'll be a big effort, but if you make it work then that will make a huge difference for you both. Something to build on and show him that you're trying. Give it some thought anyway. We depression sufferers often get so caught up in how we feel that we can neglect those that do really care/ understand.

*hugs*

Zoe x

The hurricane

gremz — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 04:18:50 GMT

Hey Zoe

Thanks for the support and that seems like a great idea to do something nice for my boyfriend. I'm not working so I dont have any money so hopefully a drawing or something will be ok.... What have you done in the past?

I'm pretty excited, I called up the mental health agency that I have been waiting on to track the progress and they said my referral has finally gone through and they are currently matching me up with a worker. 🙂 not long now til I can be supported again.

I've also tried to start back at number one. Tackle one thing at a time. With anxiety its too easy to get caught up in the future and forget the present. Step one - smile. 🙂

The hurricane

Zoe__lt_3 — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 06:51:18 GMT

Hi Gremz,

Glad to hear you’re feeling excited – it’s great that you’ve got a new referral. That’s got to be a big relief. Treat it like a new start – it’s time to work on you girl!

As for your bf; I like your drawing idea. Art can be so individual and special, so I’m sure he’d appreciate it. Otherwise, I’ve arranged with my partner to meet at lunchtime and leave work to go out for a little picnic in a local park. Just little things like that so that we could spend more time together when we’re normally apart.

Or I’ve surprised him at his local footy club practice wearing my shortest skirt I have and one of his club jumpers just to tease him for a little light-hearted fun. I’m a drawer like you (tried painting but never much good at it) and I know he loves manga art, so I drew a picture of him as a kind of space-age hero, then inked it and framed it with a cheap A4 frame for his birthday. He loved the personal touch.

I hope this helps! Zoe x

The hurricane

Booma18 — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 12:04:13 GMT

Wow...
I have only just begun to accept the fact that i am, and have been suffering depression for a long time. May not seem like much to you but that is exactly how i feel. When you know the darkness is coming.... I suffer from depression and i am using this post to admit it for the first time. do others feel like this? laying, waiting for it to arrive. I know nothing about depression, only that it is ruining my life.

The hurricane

gremz — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 01:33:29 GMT

Hey Zoe,

Love all your ideas. Sounds like your man is lucky to have you!

My boyfriend has the day off work today so going to make the day special 🙂 (even if all he wants to do is play xbox)

And Booma,

Good on you for realizing accepting and reaching out!
Sometimes depression is impossible to understand or describe, but that feeling of dread and darkness is definitely how I feel sometimes. And feeling out of control, spiraling downhill... the worst (sorry if im putting words into your mouth, let me know if I'm wrong) Have you considered seeing a doctor?
Really glad you have joined Beyondblue. 🙂

The hurricane

AGrace — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 02:27:10 GMT

Hi gremz,

I'm glad things are progressing for you. I can hear a bit more hope and positivity in your more recent posts.

It's a lovely idea to consider doing something special for your boyfriend. I was watching a talk last night about the fact that money actually can buy happiness as long as you spend it right. The way to get money to make you happy is to spend it on someone else. Even with no money giving to others is so powerful and can make you feel warm and fuzzy inside too.

You mentioned that you already have a playlist of happy music for yourself. Have you thought about creating a playlist for your boyfriend that reflects your time together? I remember when couples always wanted to have a song, their song. We don't tend to do this much anymore, but I'm sure your boyfriend will see the romance behind the gesture. If your boyfriend has a car, you could also surprise him by washing his car without him knowing. As the weather starts to warm up, camping in the back yard, or camping in the lounge room can also be fun. One of the things I used to do for my boyfriend was stick a post it note to his mobile phone or in his lunch box every day, just saying "I love you".

Let us know how you get on with the appointments.

AGrace

The hurricane

Zoe__lt_3 — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 05:21:37 GMT

Hi Gremz,

I like the car-washing idea AGrace mentioned too – especially if you use lots of bubbles and flick some at him. A good water-fight in the warmer months can be loads of fun and doesn’t have to lead to anything… it’s just fun-time together and costs zilch. Of course, if things go really well for both of you then go just with it.. 😉

I just remembered another great “reward for a good boy” is a long gentle massage (non-sexual, unless he’s been really good!). I have been known to put on soothing music and aromatherapy candles, then give him a gentle massage especially after football or a hard day at work. Even boys like to be pampered.

As long as you set boundaries before you start, he’ll know to behave himself and things should go really well for you both – with any luck, he may return the favour next time!!

Zoe x

The hurricane

gremz — Tue, 02 Sep 2014 05:03:42 GMT

hey guys.

we don't have a car or backyard. i tried to organize a picnic with him, it started off a mess because i was being too panicky and controlling about it but eventually we had a good day. I also made a playlist and let him have lots of GTA time and played some games with him.

I guess all is well now. i should be seeing a new counselor by the end of the week and i am up to date with all my assignments. Setting simple goals really helped, i didnt realise how many things i was trying to juggle before that!

thanks for the support.