topic Battling Depression in Depression

Battling Depression

blackcorvus — Tue, 02 Jul 2013 10:03:42 GMT

I grew up in a violent and abusive family. My eldest brother burned my leg with a cigarette and sexually abused me. My other brother bashed me around if I looked at him the wrong way. Mum needed little excuse to thrash me with a belt or shove cake of soap into my mouth for what sh considered swearing. I was the youngest, the whipping boy. By my late 20's I realized there was something wrong with me. I'd sit in my little room and just cry my eyes out. I'd got out of work and going out to put in my dole form was a major effort. In the bus the feeling of panic would get worse and build. I broke down crying talking to a social worker at Social Security. I ended up spending 3 months in hospital. I got to the stage where I thought I was a worthwhile person and could give to others. Now at 59 I don't know what the years of battling have been for. Just back at feeling that I don't fit in anywhere or with anyone. Too many disappointments.

Battling Depression

geoff — Tue, 02 Jul 2013 22:54:09 GMT

dear Blackcorvus, this must have been a terrible way to grow up, it's something that I personally never had to worry about, but for you it's awful.

We can go through life suffering the most horrific situations, and of course these memories stay with us for ever, and can be brought up again and again by something that triggers these thoughts.

Your story will be able to help many young people who might be suffering the same fate, because it's important that they know that someone older than themselves has had to go through the same ordeal.

This suggestion was raised by someone, and I'm sorry I can't remember your name, but it was about talking to school kids about this issue, and whether or not the school hierarchy would allow this to happen would vary from school to school.

There are meetings with Beyond Blue and Bluevoices who want people to voluntary for work shops or to provide their stories at a seminar, so that your story will be able to inform other people, and this is a great way to let the community know of your experiences.

I suggest that you register with BlueVoices, all you have to do is google it and then put your name down, they do need people like you, me and those that have been through hell and back, as we lay the foundations for those that are growing up.

Your experience is of prime concern, and what you have been through won't stop, now or in the future. Geoff.

Battling Depression

blackcorvus — Wed, 03 Jul 2013 08:33:53 GMT

I'm not telling this for anyone to feel sorry for me they're just the way things were for me. As you say the maltreatment of children in families or at school continues. A woman I've cared about for many years was abused by her father. Nobody protected or stood up for her not even her mother. I feel so angry that such beautiful soul was hurt like that and others. In those days there few resources nobody to talk to about these things. I didn't think at the time that my family was different or not normal, I felt a different kind of atmosphere at other kids' places to home. In my case I think I was very depressed for a long time. When I was 15 I worked in the city and I went in a service lift onto the roof of what was then the tallest building in Brisbane. There was just a low wall around the edge, I looked down at the street and the people and thought how easy it would be just to step off. I think since then or even before that depression and anxiety crept up on me over those years until it got so bad that I ended up in hospital.

Battling Depression

blackcorvus — Wed, 03 Jul 2013 14:00:29 GMT

I imagine that there many that share similar experiences, maybe what I have to say may be of some help. The feelings I had when I was kid was being lost and alone. I sure didn't feel that I was wanted. Mum was always telling that when I was born she wanted to put me up for adoption. The impression I had was that she only kept me because giving me away wouldn't look good with her family. I wished she had at least I may have been with people who did want me, not just as some sort of duty. I didn't want to be there. It felt safer at school. At one time we lived on the edge of the mountains and I'd go up there into the bush for the whole day to keep away from them. The end result was that at 29 I didn't know who the hell I was, I was scared of people, drifted from job to job. I'd never had a girlfriend. I didn't believe that anyone could ever care about me or love me. I didn't tell about what happened when I was a kid because I didn't think it mattered.

Battling Depression

blackcorvus — Thu, 04 Jul 2013 11:46:51 GMT

Sorry I posted anything here. No different to any other online forum. A few who seem to think they know everything and the usual attention seekers.

Adios

Battling Depression

geoff — Thu, 04 Jul 2013 18:38:37 GMT

dear Blackcorvus, we all have different stories to tell, and the majority of them are sad ones.

The experiences that we have had to encounter are ones that we hope no one else has to go through, but unfortunately many will.

It does matter if it happened as young kid, because it lays the foundations to build on, so later on in life it turns into an enormous problem that leads to depression.

You're a year older than I am, so there's been a lot of water under the bridge, and although I am not as fluent now compared to the many who are, the point is, that no matter what message is sent back to anybody, it's one that advices, supports and definitely understands what these people have been going through.

Some reply in a jestful way, which is always good, while others reply in an empathic way, or both can happen, so we all care for you and the rest of the people who post on this site.

That's what people want to hear, and that's why Beyond Blue exists, a site to help others who are suffering from traumatised depression. Geoff.

Battling Depression

The_Real_David_Charles — Fri, 05 Jul 2013 01:36:38 GMT

Dear Blackcorvus,

Sorry I didn't find your post earlier. In the Feedback Forum you mentioned you wanted a quicker response (than the 24hrs current moderation) and I can see why as you have experienced severe trauma. When you mentioned there was little response to your post made 2 days ago I dutifully looked through from the 2nd page of NEW POSTS through to the 20th June before releasing your thread must have been updated (which is has been - twice by yourself) and in the 1st page of NEW POSTS.

Geoff's suggestion to register with Blue Voices means you can interact more with people and tell your story an understanding and resonating way. Unfortunately, your response to this suggestions seems to mean that you are not ready for such support - "I'm not telling this for anyone to feel sorry for me".

Being beating by your brother ALL THE TIME and semi-disowned by a mother (with all the taunts of "I should have got you adopted") must have a damaging effect on you and your identify. When you say "that at 29 I didn't know who the hell I was" you are accepting the past and recognising that things are gonna be rough for a long time. Especially if you can't communicate with anyone when severely depressed and had that one time suicide thought on top of the tower.

If you really don't feel that advice and sympathy would be good for you then why would you post in the Forum Feedback about wanting a quicker response ? It's a mixed message. You don't want to open up and get some support but you want the response time of moderating cut by half ? This is a bit like having a family, safe, environment one second and having the crap beaten out of your the next because you looked at your brother the wrong way.

It's possible that when you believe that you "didn't tell about what happened when I was a kid because I didn't think it mattered" you are selling yourself out. But these things just keep creeping back. I mean, how can you trust anyone in a relationship if you can't come to terms with an abusive history ? All that trauma will resonate with any difficult time or situation forever. Unless your mindset gets kicked into accepting that the past trauma is dictating your life.

It's not the speed of moderation you are upset with, it's your life. Post more !

Adios, David.

PS I have replied on the Forum Feedback section to your other response. I think I even suggested that you self respond to get the discussion ball rolling and picked off 3 threads that have heavy discussion at present. Something, you seem to greatly desire. No one is gonna feel sorry for you and put you down. We've all been through similar of worse times with mental health. Geoff's, right when he says "Your story will be able to help many young people who might be suffering the same fate". That's not feeling sorry, that's embracing difficulty and moving on. Abused children would benefit from your experience.

Battling Depression

vip — Thu, 18 Jul 2013 14:34:22 GMT

Hi Blackcorvus you sound to me like a bloody strong person. I have been through none of that and I attempted suicide very quickly and easliy 3 years ago and survived it all. You definately need to be a spokes person for violence and abuse in families you will be helping yourself and other people in similar experiences. You know what I help so many people now with suicide and depression because i know first hand what it is like and you know first hand as well. Keep strong continue with medication therapy whatever you need to feel better and think about joining a youth group or church group anything where you can discuss your experiences. You will find you will heal slowly . I am proud of you for being a fighter and survivor and i definately look up to anyone in your situation. Take care of yourself your number 1 now

Battling Depression

blackcorvus — Fri, 19 Jul 2013 08:17:49 GMT

I know that what happened to me as a kid screwed up how I thought of myself. Not too sure when I realized that, but at 30 I knew I didn't want to be like them. I needed to be me. I know I'm not the kind of person that wants to bash people around or control others. Unfortunately often let myself get into situations where I don't say no or start letting myself get pushed around and manipulated. Also scrunch a lot of feelings into some small place, sadness and grief, anger even love. Of course it'll all come bursting out sometime. I know pushing feelings down isn't a good thing and am trying not to do that so much. The most difficult thing is to say no, because for most of my life I've just gone along with what was expected of me. The last person I considered was me. There have been a few times when I've had to say to people I don't want that over some really important things, but usually think, oh it doesn't matter. What that means is that I don't matter, and that isn't true I matter to me if not to anybody else. Maybe some of these words may help someone. All I know that for me it's too easy to feel like that lost kid again and that to be able to say to myself, Hey I matter, want I would like is important often is something that I need to remind myself of daily.

Battling Depression

blackcorvus — Fri, 19 Jul 2013 10:06:34 GMT

I suppose I must be strong otherwise I wouldn't have survived, came fairly close twice to suicide. Just spent 9 days in psych ward very depressed and distressed. Been out for 5 days. Don't feel a whole lot better, mornings really bad just distress and sadness. Seem to think more calmly by the middle of the day. Hope the meds will do something soon. At least here I can play my guitar or mandolin. Helps to stop thinking too much about the past. Think this had been building up for some time. Then about a month ago started thinking about the 90's, not a good period. Marriage broke up really wondered what she was doing there, from when our daughter was born in 88, most of the time it was me looking after her. Sex went out the window fairly rapidly. She says, I'm leaving and taking Emma with me. My best friend killed himself just after that. I thought of him as my real brother. Ex wife had to keep twisting the knife, I'd asked her why she married me. She says, if I hadn't married you, you would have ended up a rapist. Admitted she had never loved me and that she had been seeing an old boyfriend for sometime. Later went to pick up Emmy and she was all over me, "Oh I still love you". Turned out she thought she might be up the duff and could pin it on me. It was so phony, I told her to get lost. She took up with another bloke, had a baby to him, then asked me if she could put the kid down in my name. I may have been crazy, but not that stupid! Felt so used, felt the whole marriage was one big fake. The bloke ex was with was violent and she kept going into womens refuges then taking the guy back. Maybe she didn't want me because I wasn't violent. This had bad effect on Emmy now in pre-school, very quiet withdrawn and wetting the bed every night. Said to ex I'm not letting Emmy go back to that she can stay with me. Ex says, Oh she's not effected by it she loves going to the refuges and playing with the other kids. Bullshit, tired of all this lying pretense and manipulation. Ended up that I brought Emmy up on my own from then. The only bright spots were Emmy and Julie, someone I'd known since 85 and had over the years become to mean a lot to me. Michael and Julie were my friends from then, no more Michael. The times I spent with Julie just talking or playing our guitars was wonderful. I'd take Emmy and it felt like we were a family. Felt so good so right. Something I'd never really experienced. We had talked of being together, but as she said in her mid 30's, "Mum and Dad don't approve, and I need their approval. Mum says you don't want someone who's been married before. Mum wants to pick my boyfriends and Dad doesn't want me to have any. They want me to be the dutiful daughter and look after them in their old age." She said that as if that's what'll happen because its what they want. Really sad, what could have been very worthwhile, but I know not easy because of both our problems died. Over a year ago I ran into her, we both stood there waiting for the lift, she didn't take her sunnies off. I didn't know what to say, how she'd react, so said nothing. Feel bad about that and having neglected her as a friend, because I really cared about her. When she talked with me I understood I felt it. I still love Julie after all this time. Isn't that crazy?

Battling Depression

blackcorvus — Fri, 19 Jul 2013 17:32:59 GMT

3.20 Saturday morning about 3 hours sleep. Wrote this a few days back in psych ward.

Tears on the Soundboard

The melancholy notes hang then fade in the still night air. Slowly the tears come.No holding back the pain now. Tears of sorrow, a few of anger, confusion, regrets. Longing for what might have been. What we could have been. The tears flow faster dripping, running down the soundboard of the guitar I cradle. I hug my guitar as once I held you. Caress the neck as I caressed yours. Hold it tight for some comfort. Any comfort.

Battling Depression

blackcorvus — Sun, 04 Aug 2013 07:56:59 GMT

Notes from the psych ward

Been back in the hospital 2 weeks now, shrink's considering ECT. Some days feel okay. On Friday I went to a music group with Julie and I felt good that day, but usually do seeing her. Right now for most of today, Sunday, I think that if I wasn't around anymore it wouldn't matter. Went home to get my laptop and didn't feel like returning to psych ward, just disappearing. Tried to email my daughter, email account apparently closed, so contacted her work to see if they could ask her to ring me. Julie's really important to me, but I'm just another one of her friends, nobody special to her. Sick of trying to get through one more bout of depression, probably to face the same thing again whenever life goes pear shaped. Ya gotta be strong ya gotta battle through. Sick of battling. What for?

Battling Depression

blackcorvus — Sun, 04 Aug 2013 10:18:01 GMT

If i dropped off the planet or just walked into the bush and disappeared, who the hell would care. I don't see I've ever had much peace, happiness or love, very little. Two shit marriages, the first I found out had been running around with an ex boyfriend for a few years, the second thought I had girlfriends all over because I was depressed and didn't feel like sex. It didn't matter what I said, I had to have been at it with someone else. A lot of trust and love there. Best friend's dead by suicide. The woman I care about and love just for being her only considers me as another one of her friends. Not worth loving. My daughter who may not even be mine doesn't seem bothered to stay in touch. So WHO really cares none of them and nobody here either.

Battling Depression

The_Real_David_Charles — Mon, 05 Aug 2013 07:49:55 GMT

Dear Blackcorvus,

Are you stuffing yourself with hospital food ? I always put on a kg or two when admitted. Do they do group walks ? Art ? Bingo ? All the fun stuff !

It's seems like you are isolating yourself - one of your earlier posts mentioned that you're writing but don't want anyone to feel sorry for you. Has this mood changed as today you are complaining that no one really cares about you ? Surely, it would be hard to care for someone who doesn't want empathy.

Your other complaint was that the board has "A few that seem to think they know everything and the usual attention seekers" so I'm not sure whether it's OK to respond or not. Maybe you're just venting.

I guess when you're in a hard place the whole world is against you. A hospital can be very frustrating. Even psych wards ration of Men : Woman is usually 4 : 1.

Adios, David.

Battling Depression

blackcorvus — Wed, 07 Aug 2013 20:44:42 GMT

Discharged from hospital yesterday. When I was in there talked with a fair few people about music and painting and just general things. Did painting and drawing in the rec room. Played the guitar with Rachel who has a great voice. Went on the morning walks and played soccer. Hadn't played the guitar for 12 years and no painting for about ten. Just gave up on those things. Started back on guitar about a month back and bought a mandolin to learn something new. May sell my 6 string guitar to buy a 12 string. Love the sound of 12 string guitar. When I had one I used to get some good sounds from it. Got some music from itunes some of my favourites, Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Emmylou Harris. At the moment trying to get out among people, will be going to a music group and there are a few painting groups around. So not trying to isolate which I know would be the worst thing. I need to meet new people, not shut myself off. When I was in hospital I wrote " I can't change the past and no good getting upset over that. No good upsetting myself over what I can't change in the present." Got plans and instructions for making a lap steel guitar off the internet. Thought I might make that at Mens Shed and get some help there cutting and shaping the wood. A lot of things are uncertain at the moment as the house I'm living in has been sold and have to move out by 26th. Applying for flats, hard to find ones where I can have my old cat, had her 13 years so not going to lose her or send her to the RSPCA. I put up $40,000 towards buying this house, I'm not sure if I will get any of that money back, maybe some or none. At present trying not to dwell on negativity and work out things to do to meet new people. Feel generally a fair bit better since last post.

Anyone feel free to reply to this thread. Cheers Bill

Battling Depression

The_Real_David_Charles — Thu, 08 Aug 2013 00:54:52 GMT

Dear Bill,

So - did you get any nurses telephone numbers ? Lol. Good to read the fiestyness in your thread. Isn't there an internet site for the Mens Sheds ? What's great about the stringed instruments are the tactile nature of playing. I do about 1/2 hr on the piano most days as I compose for a big band. It's just very freeing and the only one that doesn't respect my little bit of space is a damaged cat that sometimes launches herself off the piano mid - tune, normally accompanied by some projectile vomitting. What a critic !

Adios,David.

Battling Depression

vip — Thu, 08 Aug 2013 11:39:55 GMT

Hi Blackcorvus good to hear you are feeling a little better. Thats great yes get out there and meet new people that really is the key and yes isolating yourself is a no no .Just take one day at a time and dont look to far ahead thats the key also im sure good things will come to you dont worry. Goodluck and all the best

Battling Depression

blackcorvus — Thu, 08 Aug 2013 19:47:08 GMT

Sounds funny about your cat! Through the 90's I'd play the guitar for about 2 hours a day. Could even pick it up in the dark and play. It's good to detract from negative thoughts. Mostly play to get good sounds from it, stringed instruments can be very expressive. In Toowoomba I played a few times at the folk club. Played with a group at one time at Toowoomba hosp and we had a concert there. Most of the people at the folk club had to have a few beers or toke. Used to jam with some other people, but there were too many joints passed around, not my thing. Not really into folk music but as it was in the centre of town it was easy to get to, whereas the country music club was on the outskirts. Hope that there will be a country music club that I can go to when I've found a new place. There a a fair few painting groups around too. Didn't get any nurses phone numbers, there was one really nice one. ROFL

Cheers Bill