topic intimacy and mental health in Depression

intimacy and mental health

AGrace — Tue, 24 Jun 2014 08:37:30 GMT

Hi all,

I just reread the community rules to check if this topic is appropriate, it appears that as long as I feel comfortable sharing with a stranger then im safe. I will however choose my words wisely. I apologise if this has been discussed before, I couldnt find any similar threads.

My partner and I have been together 5 years and are both very much in love. There is only one slight issue and thats loss of intimacy. I say loss because I know it was healthy before. My partner has taken on the role of my carer while ive been battling with mental illness and now I have this strange feeling that he finds it difficult to be intimate with me. Ok, its not strange, its real.

Over the past 6 months ive found myself having to raise the issue with on a monthly basis him to reengage in intimate acts. So here we are 6 months down the track and I think if I dont raise it again it will never happen. The problem is I dont want to have to ask for it or have discussions about it all the time. Firstly it leaves no room for spontaneity, and secondly it leaves me feeling very undesired.

In the past he's mentioned the scars I have make him sad but unfortunately I cant remove them. Ive also put on weight thanks to medication and lifestyle changes, but he consistently tells me he still loves me. I dont want a brother or a friend, I want my partner back, but because I feel like my mental health is such a strain on him I dont want to force him to do anything he doesnt want to.

My Psychiatrist informed me that my medication could result in loss of libido but fortunately (or in my case unfortunately) its had the exact opposite effect.

Does anyone have some words of wisdom that they'd be comfortable to share.

Thanks:)

intimacy and mental health

Neil_1 — Tue, 24 Jun 2014 08:46:12 GMT

AGrace,

You've bought tears to my eyes. Give or take a number of words; perhaps sentences, you're in a boat and I'm in the same boat as you. And yes, it's sad and I know the exact things you're alluding to when you say, it leaves no room for spontaneity (I dislike that word as it's long and difficult to spell) and yes, the other one is, "Well, if I have to be the one who keeps bringing it up, then um, hello, am I not kind of you know, desired anymore"?

I mean, it's not the be all and end all of a relationship, but surely it should be there, shouldn't it?

And why, why is it always the "one" person who has to mention it? And then when it is mentioned, well sometimes things change for a while and you know then, that that's pretty much cause it's been talked about. And then it drops off (um, so to speak).

Good thread AGrace - unfortunate and sad thread, but good thread nonetheless and I too will be interested to hear some wise words of wisdom from the others.

intimacy and mental health

AGrace — Tue, 24 Jun 2014 09:03:16 GMT

I should add to this that on the rare occasion that we have been intimate he's had some issues. This just adds to the idea that its just a chore for him:( Sometimes I find myself so angry that he's fallen off to sleep 5 minutes after getting into bed that I cant sleep next to him. So I end up sleeping on the couch. Then I make up an excuse in the morning as to why I relocated.

intimacy and mental health

Jo3 — Tue, 24 Jun 2014 09:49:10 GMT

Hey AGrace

I have the exact same problem and have for the past 4 years when all the memories came flooding back of my childhood sexual abuse. This has caused so many problems between my husband and I in regards to being intimate. And then add the meds - that makes it even worse.

And I am probably going through menopause as well so that doesn't help either. I've been married 28 yrs but things are not the same anymore and a big part of me blames myself because of the depression, the abuse, the BPD, anxiety etc.

I think just doing other things together eg. walk down the beach, coffee at a cafe, picnic, bike rides, etc. just doing things that you both enjoy.

I agree with Neil it's not the be all end all - but it would be nice every now and then.

intimacy and mental health

--Mark-- — Tue, 24 Jun 2014 12:06:46 GMT

Hi Grace,

it's a sad boat floating in the ocean that many of us find ourselves in. Does my partner no longer find me desirable? Am I no longer appealing? Why does she/he not take an interest? Why do I always have to broach the subject of physical need? Why does my partner hesitate when I do bring it up? And so forth...

I too would take myself off to the lounge and sleep on the couch - not sure if I was punishing myself, or my partner. I used to justify it by telling myself I didn't want to disturb my partner with my snoring, but, in reality...

It's weird how things build up and you lose sight...

Not sure if this has any advice, sorry for that, more a case of you're not the only one out who has been in that situation.Hope that helps you.

intimacy and mental health

AGrace — Wed, 25 Jun 2014 02:21:50 GMT

Hi guys,

thanks for your replies, it's good to know i'm not alone on this one.

So 2 things have happened since my first post.

I had a chat about this with my partner last night. I have to pre-warn you that i was absolutely shocked by his reply! The conversation went a bit like this...

A: I want to have a chat with you about a couple of things that are on my mind.

A: I'm a little worried about the lack of intimacy in our relationship. I feel like we discuss this and it becomes a bit of a cycle. i feel like intimacy only occurs when i bring it up or when i initiate it. i know my mental health has lead to you wearing many other hats of late but i feel like my boyfriend has been replaced by a brother/friend. I recall asking you not so long ago where do you see yourself in a couple of years and you replied probably pushing a pram. im just not getting if you understand how much intercourse is involved to conceive a child at our age. i kind of feel stuck because i feel like such a burden on you already and yet i don't know how we work through this.

(At this point I'm ready to give the ultimatum that i cant be in a relationship if we cant be intimate with one another, because it really matters to me.)

B: I've been thinking about this to. I'm not sure what to say because I don't want to hurt you, and you have enough problems. (At this point I'm crying uncontrollably.)

A: That's not fair. I know I'm very sensitive but that doesn't mean you can deny me the right of an explanation so that we can try to fix this. (At this point I'm thinking, he doesn't find me attractive, he's cheating on me, he's going to leave me.)

B: In all honesty I don't have any energy.

A: I struggle to accept that concept. You ride your bike twice a day, you go to the gym every day and the weekend is about fitness. So if you don't have energy why cant you ease up on some of these things?

B: I think I'm depressed. I just don't have any drive anymore, and it's not about you. I just feel like I cant fight anymore. I'm just lying down in the jungle watching everything grow around me.

So tears still streaming down my face, I'm panicking because if I think of it realistically, I don't have the strength to deal with how he's feeling. He's been my rock for so long and now I feel reluctant to share problems with him. My world of idolising him has been shattered. Now its not just me who's broken, both of us are. I cry for the rest of the night, crying myself to sleep for albeit 2 hours.

intimacy and mental health

Apathia — Wed, 25 Jun 2014 04:11:01 GMT

Hi A,

I know I'm not addressing any of the important issues you've brought up (eek, sorry) but the best intimacy advice i've gotten is - even if you (whether it be one of both of you) are not in the mood, by starting the process ie foreplay, you'll get in the mood; even if it means scheduling a session! This can bring you out of a rut and/or prioritise intimacy.

A x

intimacy and mental health

Neil_1 — Wed, 25 Jun 2014 04:51:08 GMT

Dear AGrace

Oh - wow - um, I'm gobsmacked by that interaction that you had. As it's very clear that you are too. Something that you obviously hadn't even contemplated.

I've got questions, but perhaps now is not the time for them. Did it pretty much wrap up like that - did he have any further follow up comments to make (oh sorry - only if you're willing to share, that is?).

But the thing that sticks with me here is the fact, that YOU had to raise this issue. If you continued along as is (or as was), then you may never have found out about how he is really feeling or how he perceives himself to be!?!?!

So far be it for me to say, but I will anyway - but shouldn't his next move be to get to a GP?

Ok, all of the above is serious - I'm going to finish on a light-hearted moment (and then I may journey to Community Board to fire off a couple more WJW jokes). But AGrace, if you mentioned above that the medication that your psych has you on is actually getting your passion levels rising, then perhaps you should shove a couple of those tablets into his juice at brekkie time - and then voila! Just don't do it at a McDonald's restaurant - they might not allow you to go back there again!

Neil

intimacy and mental health

AGrace — Wed, 25 Jun 2014 04:55:27 GMT

Hi guys,

I just realised I didn't post the 2nd thread. So this morning I had a tell all with my Psychiatrist and these were some of her responses... im also going to interweave some of my immediate thoughts, you know those knee jerk reactions...

Its very common for spouses/carers to develop depression, especially when their other half begins to recover, because thats when they feel safe to open up about their concerns. (But im not recovered, and I honestly dont think I can deal with this)

Dont forget there would have been times when your partner wanted to be intimate but you were unwell in hospital (I wish he'd ceased the moment then because maybe it wouldnt be a problem if he had)

There's no need to blame yourself, it wasnt your fault that you ended up unwell (but I feel like ive been so selfish, only worried about my own health and not even noticing the impacts on him)

Sometimes people just arent very sexual in general (well how do I fix that?)

Its my job to interfere with the thought that you have that this problem will lead only to the demise of your relationship (well can you interfere then, perhaps you could give him a call?)

...So today I've done nothing, my depressive symptoms are back, my BPD thoughts are telling me to end this before it gets too painful and I'm not sure how to act around him now, I definitely dont want to tell him any of my issues. I should add that my Psychiatrist has suggested that my partner join me for my next session, but thats over a week away, and what if he doesntvwant to come?

intimacy and mental health

Neil_1 — Thu, 26 Jun 2014 04:07:58 GMT

Dear AGrace

How are things going along now? Another day has gone by - have there been more chats between you two?

ps: i did enjoy your knee-jerk reaction comments to what the psych was saying. It would have been good to actually throw those back at the time - but alas, if you're like me, my ol brain don't operate that quick and it would take me a day to come up with knee-jerk reactions - which in that respect, wouldn't really be knee-jerk reactions.

Neil

intimacy and mental health

Bruce_Wayne — Wed, 02 Jul 2014 07:08:36 GMT

Hi AGrace, sorry to hear you're having such a tough time.

My partner and I have had some intimacy issues before but now we are moving towards a very a healthy sexual relationship too (don't mean to rub it in, so to speak!).

The element of spontaneity and going with the moment is very important I feel but sometimes you need to feel comfortable doing things slowly and deliberately before you can both feel alright going for it when the mood strikes.

The first thing I think you could try and do is establish what's sapping his drive? Does anything turn him on or get him particularly excited? If he's

suffering from low libido there's a number of natural herbs out there that increase sex drive, pleasure, stamina and over all enjoyment.

I'd double check and do some research to make sure it doesn't interfere with anything you or he is taking and if there's another problem underlying his hesitation to the bedroom it's just going to make him feel pressured (which will definitely NOT help).

You're trying to establish communication which is great, personally I'd try to inject some humour into discussions about sex (self depreciation works a treat) which will help you both feel more comfortable being relaxed and enjoying yourselves.

Hope this is helpful.

Bruce.

intimacy and mental health

Princess — Wed, 02 Jul 2014 07:36:12 GMT

Hi A Grace and followers of A Grace's thread.

Let me start by saying that for me I've lost all drive in the budoir since the depression settled in for the long haul. I am very aware that my hubby is 'missing out' but he is understanding - and then the voice inside my head says "yes but for how long". I can't help the way I'm feeling. I've always been everything to everyone including hubby in the past and now he has to be everything to me.

I don't want to be intimate just because I feel guilty but I also don't want to lose him either. During my introduction to depression I did say to him on more than one occasion that he could leave as I didn't want to be a burden on him. He replied that he wouldn't ever do that because we were married 'for better or for worse" - guess he got the 'worse' end of the deal.

I've only had 2 session with the Psychologist but both times my husband was there. The Psycologist did ask him if he wanted to leave (in case he felt uncomfortable or that I wouldn't say everything that was on my mind). She also asked me if I wanted him to be there and I said I didn't mind - in fact I find it easier to talk about him to her while he is there (does that sound weird??).

He's been my tower of strength during all of this and knowing him, he's read up of everything and is 'careful' with what he says to me and how he asks questions. I am very lucky to have this kind of support I know, but in the back of my mind that 'voice' tells me that his first wife was a diagnosed schizophrenic and that ended before he knew of her condition. Now along comes wife No 2 ... me and I have depression. He must be wondering what the heck!!

AGrace - my advice to you, encourage him to come as it will do both of you good that way you both know what's going on.

One of things that I 'discussed' in my first counselling session was about my being interfered with as a child and also an attempted rape on me when I was 10. My hubby knew bits and pieces of what happened but he heard a lot more during the session and I could see how upset he was and I think this also has kind of put him on tenter hooks?? Can't change the past and I've had counselling for this before but somehow it always gets brought back into discussion.

We'll all be waiting to hear more from you AGrace. We all care about what we are going through and just 'talking' about it on this forum is great.

Princess x

intimacy and mental health

Bruce_Wayne — Wed, 02 Jul 2014 23:56:13 GMT

It's frustrating when issues arise around sex in a relationship as it's often where our self esteem can be the most delicate and this can make it difficult to address problems without hurting the other person.

Aside from these intimacy issues it sounds like you've had a very strong and supportive relationship with strong lines of communication. In my experience developing a non - judgemental, fun, considerate and relaxed attitude toward intimacy and all things sex related is a great way make each other feel more comfortable and open in addressing things that might be getting in the way (admittedly this might take some time and is more difficult if one of you experienced some sort of trauma in the past).

It sounds like your boyfriend is facing some obstacles in his own mind and I think that's probably the best place to start - see how long he's been feeling down and go from there.

On the other hand, if libido is really the only issue he's facing there's a number of things you can do to help that.

Finding out if anything turns him on or what excites him in particular is a good step forward.

Someone suggested foreplay earlier, maybe he's really stressed and a massage or sharing a bath or shower together might help him relax.

II hope things are going well, hope I've been helpful.

Bruce.

intimacy and mental health

AGrace — Mon, 07 Jul 2014 00:20:10 GMT

Hi guys,

Thanks for all your replies. Its been a while since I posted an update. So after telling me that he would think about coming to my Psychiatrist, he eventually declined. I then offered for him to seek help from someone else, an alternate therapist who could be there just for him. Again he said he'd think about it, its been 4 days and ive had no response.

Now when I ask how he's travelling he gives me the im ok answer.

We were intimate very recently and it felt like we were robots. There was no enjoyment and no real spark or passion.

I can tell that he's trying to give me attention, kissing, cuddling, foot rubs. Its just that when we get to the bedroom everything turns sour. I don't want to tell him he needs to read a manual, or some erotic fiction. But I so wish he would!

I love him dearly, but I don't want this to be the way things are for the rest of our lives.

I feel stuck!!

intimacy and mental health

Bruce_Wayne — Thu, 10 Jul 2014 07:38:30 GMT

Hmm maybe give him some space and time about seeing a therapist (seeing a different one might make him more comfortable as you suggested)?

Foot rubs are definitely nice! If things feel a bit awkward or uncomfortable you could try encouraging him when he does do something right (even if it's just briefly) and tell him how good it feels. Supportive, enthusiastic communication is great in the bedroom - if he's doing something you don't enjoy you can try whispering to him some guidance: 'I like it when you do X, do that slower or faster.'

If he's tense maybe surprise him with a back massage (you might find he'll return the favour!) and find some music you both enjoy (I like Radiohead's In Rainbows album), it might help relax you both. Also leaving not feeling pressured to get it over and done with - give each other plenty of time. I understand with your daily lives it might be hard to try and fit this all in but try and find a night where you don't have anything on maybe share some nice food together, something decadent and delicious!

A key point I find in the bedroom is treat how you want to be treated, set the tone and pace, kiss slow, don't rush, smile and enjoy yourself.

Again hope I've been helpful and not just pointing out the obvious!

Good luck, hope to hear from you soon AGrace 🙂

intimacy and mental health

AGrace — Thu, 17 Jul 2014 01:24:25 GMT

Hi All,

So I've had some positive progress.

My Psychologist recommended a book for my partner and I called The 5 Love Languages. Its written by a man who has spent some 30 years in marriage counselling. I don't want to become a walking advertisement for his philosophy, that each of us communicates love differently, but my partner and I have found it very useful. He also has a website where you can find out which love language you speak and respond to, and in turn your partner can do the same.

Anyway we've experienced lots of positive change over the past week or so, which is doing wonders for both of ou confidence levels.

AGrace

intimacy and mental health

hannalogy — Thu, 17 Jul 2014 03:06:34 GMT

I've heard of that Love Languages book.. it's pretty great 🙂