topic It's all getting too much again in Depression

It's all getting too much again

Jo3 — Wed, 01 Oct 2014 10:26:14 GMT

I am feeling very stressed, crying and not too good. Depression is so horrible, i hate it so much. I have a shocking headache - all I want to do is hide away forever and ever or to run away as fast as I can and never be found. Going to bed after i finish here, my head hurts.

There is too much on my mind - this saturday is the auction of our home. I am stressing about finances again, work issues and I feel I am not coping. I need to tell someone that i am not coping, my head hurts and i just want to go away. I had a terrible emotional day yesterday at the hospital doing a session. Everything seems too hard at the moment.

It's day 10 of not speaking to my mum or dad - see they don't care about me. I may as well go, not thinking need some sleep

It's all getting too much again

Mares73 — Wed, 01 Oct 2014 22:05:48 GMT

My dear Jo I have been thinking of you. Listen it's proven that for anyone let alone someone suffering from an illness like you-that moving is in the top 10 stressor of life. You've had such a tough year & I would expect anyone to be overwhelmed at selling their family home, all the stress to the build up of auction & then finding a new home & the energy & time it takes to move in, unpack & adjust to your new environment. I only rent but each time we've had to move I haven't coped well at all-theres the whole sense of security being lost when you move homes & you've been in yours so long this was bound to be a big stress issue. I really feel for you & wish I could help you prepare & then settle in your new home. I guess the one thing to try remember is that the house your keen to buy-if you get that it could be a whole new start with new memories created. And what's the latest with your mother in law? To have respite from her would take a lot of stress away. I wish I could own my own home, I appreciate how what your going through is so tough. But once you get the new place it's yours & you should have a big say in how the home is set up. I'm worried about you but I can also see the positives in moving. Keep us up to date. I know your confidence is low but you truly are being so strong getting through this time-a time that's a major stress for anyone. I also really hope you get the other house your going to auction on Saturday. You are very very special & never far from my thoughts. I wonder each day how your going. I care so much for you. Big hugs & love X Mary

It's all getting too much again

Neil_1 — Thu, 02 Oct 2014 00:47:59 GMT

Dear Jo

Today is a new day. Spring is definitely here. The sun is shining; the birds are chirping (don’t know about them singing – have never really heard beat out any ballad, rock song or even love song) – people are weird aren’t they.

Jo, I’m going to state something very wild here – possibly wicked – and something that might even make your head spin a bit. I hope you’re ready for it.

Jo? “Yes”, I hear you respond.

Jo, do you honestly 100% think that the medication that you are on is doing what it should be doing?? I also ask: Are you on a couple of different kinds or just the one medication? As I know you’re dealing with different types of mental health issues – I would be interested to know if your prescribing doctor only has you on one kind.

One last question: have you asked your prescribing doctor about their thoughts for whether they think your meds are working?

Jo, I’m asking all this cause I’m very concerned for you.

The constant stress, the crying, the wanting to not be here – these thoughts that you’re having seem to be a constant pattern – and hey, don’t get me wrong here, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with these feelings IF there’s not much ‘outside treatment’ happening. But I’m concerned as you’re seeking different methods of support and assistance and that is all great stuff.

So what’s got me thinking is that perhaps, just perhaps it might be the medication that you’re on is possibly not working for you. It’s just a thought from a concerned citizen. 🙂

Neil

It's all getting too much again

Jo3 — Thu, 02 Oct 2014 07:09:26 GMT

Hi Mary & Neil

Thanks so much for your support. I haven't thought about the meds before but I am seeing my psych this Tuesday coming so I will ask him what he thinks about the meds. Maybe I do need a change, I don't know.

I can see that there is a constant pattern of me crying, being so emotional, binge eating, wanting to hide, run away, it all feels too much.

I really don't know how I am meant to feel with the meds - am I meant to be laughing a lot, feel on top of the world, have more energy - I don't know. I certainly don't feel on top of the world.

Today is another day, I went to work kept busy all day and I was okay.

I know tomorrow will be stressful and Saturday - well I can't tell you how I will be by then - I think you guys will know how I'll be on Sat.

I will be on here maybe quite a bit over the next week with everything happening I need to let it all out - good or bad - I need to tell someone.

Thanks again for listening to me.

You are so caring

your friend Jo xx

It's all getting too much again

Jo3 — Thu, 02 Oct 2014 21:51:49 GMT

Hi Neil

I re-read your reply and maybe just maybe the meds aren't working. I didn't sleep well last night, kept waking up and having weird dreams. Day 12 of not talking to my mum; they haven't even bothered to call me to (a) see how I am, (b) see how their grandchildren are (c) see how the house sale is going. Nothing at all, I feel like I don't exist anymore, maybe that's what they want.

I had an argument with hubby last night. It really annoys me when he is not assertive in dealing with agents, banks, etc etc. I have to do it all; he won't call the bank or agents because he says I talk better on the phone than him!!!

So again, I cop all the stress and just do it. I do this for everyone and yet when I want or need something that I don't get I break down. Well maybe another hospital stay is what I need, or better still a holiday with a friend. Can't afford that, can't afford anything at the moment. God I just want to sit and cry, and now I am. i feel like everything is getting on top me again, like a huge weight pushing me down and it's so damn hard to get back up. But no one understands except you and others on here.

I'm sorry for ranting, I just need to let it all out; and let my emotions out which as you know I don't do at home when family is around.

Damn now my mascara is gone, have to apply it again and get ready for work. How on earth do I do it - I don't know. How do I go from one extreme emotion to a settled one - I don't know. All I know is that I am living on edge, on a line that could go either way.

Sorry Neil, I shouldn't dump all this on you. Better go and get ready for work, put my "happy face" on.

It's all getting too much again

Neil_1 — Fri, 03 Oct 2014 01:48:38 GMT

Hi Jo

Time for me to have a little unload - here I go (see how many letters of the alphabet I can get?):

a) your folks are who they are; they are not going to change; and as for them wishing to find out about your kids (ie: their grandkids), even though I'm not at that time of my life now, I know, that they know that their grandkids, are actually pretty much adults of their own now - and so they more than likely won't be asking after them all the time - not as much as they may have done when they were little tackers - just a thought there - quite convoluted, I know, but hey, at least I've got you thinking 🙂

b) mascara runs when it gets wet - ie: from the application of tears to it. I'm now thinking that I must try to invent the "un-run-able" mascara; I could make a fortune;

c) as you know Jo, this is a safe place and this is a place where we can all go to unload and vent and let go - and we all know that that is so brilliant for all of us. KEEP remembering that - because you know we're always here - and you know that we all care;

d) you mentioned again that you can only vent here and not at home when family is around. You know Jo, for all that you are doing postively for yourself, I firmly believe that this is one area that is a big negative for you. You've got so much pressure and as you say, huge weights pushing down on you. You really do need an additional release - yes, you've got us here; but I believe that you should break out and create a member of your OWN family to share with. My choice for you would be your daughter; the old mother/daughter relationship - or son; son would be good too. If you're able to do that, I reckon that will help you no end - so that home won't always be a place where you feel kind of gagged where you can't unload. Home should be a place where you CAN be exactly who you are.

e) as another poster mentioned during the week, the auction will happen and no amount of worrying by you will change anything about it. May I ask (as I've never done anything in relation to home auctions before), do the owners need to be there; are they required to be there; will you be there, I guess is what I'm asking.

f) just about out of characters - so till next time. 🙂

g) Kind regards

h) Neil

It's all getting too much again

Jo3 — Fri, 03 Oct 2014 10:23:51 GMT

Hi Neil,

I can't remember if I replied to you earlier, maybe not.

In regards to

(a) Neil, this hurts me so so much, I can't explain the pain I feel. I feel so unloved, not cared about and so not here when it concerns my parents. I have been thinking I will phone my mum next week and ask her what's wrong, why hasn't she phoned me and if there is another fight - well that's it

(b) start recreating that mascara that doesn't run!!!

(d) Home. OK, so I have my "on line forum family" here but I need someone from my own family where I can vent or rant. I know my daughter and I are very close, so quality time with her will, I hope, help me open up a bit more and talk.

(e) auction. yes we will be there. They have an open inspection 1/2 hr before auction, so we have to leave the house, come back 10 minutes before the auction starts and we will sit inside while bidding down outside. I will be sitting upstairs with my wine or baileys (not sure which one yet) or maybe even champagne if it sells.!!!

Wish us luck for tomorrow, I'll be back on here after the auction.

It's all getting too much again

White_Rose — Fri, 03 Oct 2014 11:38:45 GMT

Good luck for Saturday Jo. I do hope all goes well.

Can I throw a curly one into the ring? Jo says " Yes Mary, any time".

Good, glad to hear that.

You often talk about being unloved. Do you love yourself? I don't mean in a "I've got tickets on myself" way. Just plain regard for yourself. I'm told you cannot love others and others find it difficult to love you if you have no love or regard for yourself. Make sense? It does to me. I am finding more respect and care for myself because I am not concentrating on putting myself down. Sure I make mistakes but I also do good stuff. Why do I only remember the bad things.

So I am going to admit my stuff-ups without beating myself up and give myself a pat on the back when I do something good or useful. No more pushing away compliments. I don't expect I will change overnight but I know I will not change unless I make the effort.

Regards

Mary

It's all getting too much again

thebull72 — Fri, 03 Oct 2014 11:53:34 GMT

Hi Jo,

Just had a quick read firstly you do exist and you do have a purpose. Remember depression is a funny disease one day you can fight all the battles in the world one day you are all broken and can not function. The best way to think of it is the weather of the mind. People who are depressed think differently need both talk therapy and medication to help. Good Councillors are hard to find, I would suggest that when you are very blue break work down to the essential and do it step by step and make sure you take a break. If you feel the blues very bad talk to somebody. Hang in there we care!

It's all getting too much again

Mares73 — Sat, 04 Oct 2014 00:03:24 GMT

My dear friend Jo, I woke up & thought of you & your big day & just want to wish you all the best for today's auction. Your house sounds highly saleable (don't think that's a word!) & I hope it sells for a great price. All indicators are that it will. Secondly I wish you all the best for the house you want to buy-think the auction is this aftwrnoon? I really hope you win the auction which would be so exciting & a great outcome. So many possibilities with a new home your excited about. A new start, a chance to make new memories, create a new home full of light, happiness. The chance to set it all up as you like which would be so exciting. This could be a whole new chaptwr, what you initially felt as a negative ie selling could be the best thing that's happened in a long time. A brand new start in a house that sounds wonderful. This could all be meant to be. A new exciting chapter. You have the opportunity to make a brand new home, somewhere where there's no negative memories, but a home which signifies a new start with new memories.im excited for you. I think this is a very positive change especially if you win today's auction. Try & think what's meant to be will happen. And Jo you've gone through enough struggling, try see this as a great new chapter. I'll be thinking of you today & look forward to hearing how it all goes. My love is with you X Mares

It's all getting too much again

Jo3 — Sat, 04 Oct 2014 02:47:40 GMT

Hi Mary

Thank you for replying. I was thinking about what you wrote and no I don't love myself; I don't enjoy my own company; I feel so lost; I feel so confused. Who am I? What do I want in life? And this is why I am sure that I crave for love; I crave to be hugged - because I don't get it from anyone and it all starts from me - I need to be happy with myself; I need to praise myself - but I don't.

I find it extremely difficult to praise myself, to feel good about myself when there is nothing good to look at. OK, maybe there is one thing I am very proud of - that is being a mum to my 3 beautiful adult children. They are my life because all I ever wanted was to be a mum. And after 5 yrs of trying I fell pregnant.

I know I have no confidence or self esteem, I look at others and think gee I wish I was like them; or I wish I was a better person, a stronger person, a person who could stand up to people - but I'm not

I'm just an average women who is suffering a mental illness and at times it makes me so damn angry as to why me. I try not to think about it too much but sometimes the thought creeps in.

It's all getting too much again

Jo3 — Sat, 04 Oct 2014 05:31:24 GMT

So this morning at 11am we had our auction. I was madly cleaning the house this morning and running around like a crazy woman!! Few people turned up and auction began. Only got one bidder but nowhere near our price. I was very nervous, excited and emotional. So it's been passed in and the agent will contact each person that came through our home and let them know the situation. Hopefully we will still sell in the coming weeks.

We went to the other house that we were going to purchase (if we sold) and that had not one bidder. Agent put a vendors bid in and everyone left. We will now wait and see what happens.

On another matter - my mum

It's been 2 weeks now that I have seen or spoken to my parents. This afternoon (1/2 hour ago) I decided to call my mum just to see how she would react. Well this is how the conversation went:

Hi mum, how are you?Good how are you?

We didn't see our house today, it was passed in

Oh what do you mean, I told her it was on auction

She then says - oh I didn't know that you didn't tell me

She then asked how the kids were and then said oh well i better go

(2 min conversation)

Does she think that I was going to tell her when she hasn't phoned me for 2 weeks - NO

Did they tell me when they sold their last home and moved back to Melbourne - NO

She is so annoyed with me because she has lost the control of me and also of my sister. I am going to see how long it takes before she calls me.

I need to have a break - I am feeling flat, exhausted.

It's all getting too much again

Jo3 — Sat, 04 Oct 2014 10:03:21 GMT

Hi Mares

No our home didn't sell.We had one bidder who was far too low in the range that we wanted. So the agent is trying to get more out of this person, we'll see what happens. There was also another family who were looking interested but didn't bid at all. They told the agent they want to look around first. So the agent will contact every person that came through our home and let them know the outcome of today's auction.

We still went to the other house on auction this afternoon. They unfortunately or fortunately for us, had not one bidder. There were about 50 people but not one person bid. I still feel confident that we will sell our home soon and purchase the one we saw today. As I was walking around inside I could feel it was ours, it's just a beautiful home and 8 min walk to the beach!!!

What will be will be. I want this move so badly now, I want a new fresh start with our life; our children's lives and have more positive energy. And this will give us some money to pay off some of our mortgage which will help us a lot.

Mares, how are you going? I often wonder about you and wish and hope that one day we could meet up with a few of the regulars on here. How nice would that be, but somehow I don't think that will happen. It would be amazing if it did.

Pls take care Mares, you are always in my thoughts.

Jo xxx

It's all getting too much again

Jo3 — Sat, 04 Oct 2014 10:05:55 GMT

Hi thebull72

Thanks for your reply. I am trying to stay focused and positive but today has been a mixture of both as well as emotionally draining.

I do have a fantastic therapist and a pysch that I see. Both are supportive.

Take care and thanks again for your support.

It's all getting too much again

white knight — Sat, 04 Oct 2014 12:54:08 GMT

Dear Jo,

Sorry to hear your house didnt sell.

Hang in there. It never is easy selling

It's all getting too much again

White_Rose — Sat, 04 Oct 2014 23:05:41 GMT

Hello Jo

So sorry that your house did not sell. I can appreciate how distressing this is for you. On the positive side, the house you want to buy is still available.

This is just a quick note. I want to suggest that you read a book by Susan Rose Blauner. It's called "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me". The author has BPD and in her book she talks about how to manage this illness and how not to kill yourself. It is a very dense book and needs to be read slowly otherwise you will become overwhelmed.

There are ways to start learning to love yourself and to realise that you are loved, that you are worthwhile. Please try to read it and and act on some of the suggestions. Your life is so full of ups and downs that it must be like continually riding a switchback.

I believe we are all meant to be well and happy but life gets in the way. You are talking to someone who also has doubts and fears and lacks coping skills. I am struggling with this and I often wonder why I bother, but I do. The urge to live a full life is strong in all of us.

Hang in there my dear. My doctor tells me the batteries on her magic wand have gone flat so I have do the work myself. Very hard and very sad because I would like to be presented with a fait accompli, but onwards and upwards I tell myself.

Warm wishes

Mary

It's all getting too much again

Jo3 — Sun, 05 Oct 2014 03:50:25 GMT

Hi Mary

Thanks, I will look at this book. You know it's so tough to live a happy and healthy life. And when things start to go okay bang something else happens.

It's too easy to stay in that negative mind frame; it's difficult to praise myself or even give myself 'a pat on the back'.

Today I am feeling very flat, depressed and no motivation at all. I could go for a walk down the beach, but don't want to; i could do the ironing - but that's boring, social with friends - no way, i am not in a good mood to even do that.

So I am home on the couch doing nothing, i have a headache and just want to lie here. Think I need a nap to help with headache.

I will try to hang in there

It's all getting too much again

Jo3 — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 03:24:12 GMT

I hate everything at the moment. Well okay maybe not everything but most things. I am angry at a few people in my life and I want to escape this life. I want to run and hide away. I really don't know what i want, well sometimes i do and sometimes I don't. I have been feeling very flat and depressed since Saturday afternoon. I guess I was hoping for a really positive day and when that didn't happen - bang it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I wish i could just stay in bed and do nothing, hide under my doona. But i got up this morning and went to work for 4 hrs. Home now and everything is so dark, i hate this damn BPD, depression and anxiety. It all sucks big time.

Maybe i should stop my meds and see how i feel, maybe my meds aren't helping me anymore. maybe no one can help me anymore.

i really don't know anymore.

Jo 😞

It's all getting too much again

Mares73 — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 23:36:06 GMT

My dear Jo I know Saturday was a big day & your bound to feel a level of exhaustion from all the emotions & buildup to the sale. Can you try remember how amazing it will be to get the house right near the beach that no one else bid on? Most likely you've found your new home & it's one you really wanted which is so great. I'm going to repeat Neil here who has previously asked whether you think your mess are working? Please don't just stop taking them. But I do think it's time to have a really honest talk with your psych & explain that on average you experience really low fluctuating moods most of the time. There doesn't seem to be much respite. Life is really becoming a permanent struggle. Would you agree? I'm purely saying this because I want you to feel a bit better. It concerns me how low you feel. I've been thinking of you & your struggles. What do you think? Do you think your down almost majority of time? I just want you to get the best care & support. How are you feeling today? Much love X Mares

It's all getting too much again

white knight — Tue, 07 Oct 2014 00:59:58 GMT

Hi Jo,

I've often mentioned on this forum about being realistic. It was a part of therapy I got from an occuptional therapist in 1988 that remained with me till this day. He would ask about my thoughts that week and then each time, when he knew my thoughts spread too far he's ask that question "is that realistic"? This always allowed me to remove fantasy from real life.

In this case, Saturday was auction day. Hope was there and not much else it seems. Pure hope that you'd sell and your life would continue towards your new goal. You might not have entertained the thought of not selling and what you'd do emotionally and financially if you didnt sell.

So a strategy, a plan put into place if you didnt sell is essential. An emotional plan too. eg Talking to hubby you might like to plan- "if we dont sell we will take a picnic basket to the beach and work out our next step". A change of scenery, a place designated as being the next step location for decisions. It's a matter of tokenism that doesnt cost money and it is a plan regardless of its seemingly little significance. I hope you understand what I'm saying. Another example of this is:

When my youngest daughter came back on Facebook a few months ago there was great hope her and I could finally, after years of her playing emotional games, to get it back together. But I said to my wife, this is the last time I'm giving her a chance. Her hurt and nastiness far outweighs any love I feel from her. So I told my wife, if it doesnt work out, I wont get upset and the following day we will drive up to the local hilltop and talk about it over our monthly allowance of fish and chips. We did just that when my daughter defriended me from Facebook for no clear reason and no communication at all (the norm). I said to my wife "looks like we are having fish and chip for lunch tomorrow. She knew what I meant.

True to my word no words were discussed until we sat in our car on the hilltop. It became a place to discuss sad and hurtful issues. Rather than the lounge room. On the way down the hill we saw- a wombat (our foxy "rosie" went beserk), Rosellas and stopped to assist a lady that had a flat tyre. Things happen for different reasons!

By the time we got home I felt good. The tokenism of simply driving to the hilltop had more positives than negatives. It pigeon holed the issue of my daughter, I had restricted my time discussing it and did it away from the family home.

It's just an idea you and hubby could work on to soften the blow