topic Lost & Confused in Depression

Lost & Confused

Guest11 — Wed, 16 Apr 2014 04:49:40 GMT

Hi guys after some advice here, I also just need to get some things off my chest and posting here is easier than trying to talk to people.

I practically spent all last year in a numb, apathetic state where I completely lost interest in everything important to me and I also avoided interacting with friends and family unless I absolutely had to. I spent my days distracting myself in any way possible and my nights were spent lying in bed just waiting and hoping that I'd fall asleep so my mind would stop wandering.

Mid December I started to feel a little bit better, probably because christmas was coming and I knew I was going to be spending it with my family. I felt like things were getting back on track and that I'd be ok again. Come late January, early February I felt miserable again for no reason I can think off. I remember one night broke down into tears one night for no reason, alone in my room. Nothing had triggered it, but on and off after that I had more cry spells and I felt terrible some days. I couldn’t sleep very well after that, and I sleep very little now.

Lately I've noticed that I've become somewhat worse, and sometimes I become very emotional when in public places and I feel as if I can’t hold it in. My health has also suffered I rarely sleep, I get migraines and have probably gained around 10 kilos.

I don’t feel like I can trust anyone enough to tell them about how I’ve been feeling, although I think my stepmother suspects something is not right, even so I just can't bring myself to talk about it. I have no close friends; I haven't spoke to to most of them in a while and my so called best friend abruptly dropped contact for reasons unknown. I feel that even if I were stll close to any of them, I still couldn’t tell them

I've been to see a GP and had a mental health plan prepared, and saw a psychologist once (second appt in 2 weeks)

I just don't know what is wrong, I remember periods of feeling down and depressed constantly for months at a time, other times I remember feeling on top of the world. Like I was invincible or nothing could stop me.

Lost & Confused

Scott_Depression — Wed, 16 Apr 2014 12:18:19 GMT

Hi Guest11

Welcome to Beyond Blue (BB)

Sounds to me like pretty classic depression symptoms

I'm really glad you've recognised the symptoms for what they are & got a mental health plan. Hope it helps to know many on this site, including myself have been through the exact same type of experience you're going through - you can get through it with the right help, and you're doing that.

I really think that you might find it useful to talk to your step-mother or other family if possible. It tends to add to your stress to go ahead and feel like you're trying to sneak around to sort yourself out - can really help to have someone in your corner.

In the meantime I'd encourage you to simply recognise you have an illness - it sucks, but some of us just tend to get depression.

Hope this helps a little

Kind regards

Scott

Lost & Confused

Guest11 — Thu, 17 Apr 2014 12:36:36 GMT

Hi Scott,

Thank you for the kind words. I've been meaning to post here for some time now, but I couldn't quite put what I wanted to say in words.

I really want to tell my family, to be honest I'm scared because I know how most of them feel regarding depression. Maybe soon I'll tell someone, until then I hope the doctor is enough.

I think recognising I have an illness is what helped me finally get the courage to talk to my doctor. Hopefully I'll feel I can tell my family soon.

Thanks again.

Lost & Confused

geoff — Thu, 17 Apr 2014 15:10:07 GMT

dear Guest, thanks for joining us and knowing that there is a problem with yourself.

Can I ask you how Christmas went last year for yourself.

I agree with Scott, it seems as though you have depression, and at first we don't want to talk to family about it, because we feel as though they will never believe what we say, and tell us to 'just get over it and move on', it never works like that, because depression will stick to us until we can overcome it.

The part of this illness is that even our best friend or friends just leave and want no contact with us, simply because they can't help us, or continually get tired of us complaining or just saying 'I don't feel well', so they don't like all the attention being put on you rather them, so they go, disappear.

I am curious as to the relationship between your step mother and yourself, and this also includes other siblings if have any, as well as your dad.

There is so much pain going on inside you, so I hope that you reply back to us. Geoff.

Lost & Confused

Scott_Depression — Sun, 20 Apr 2014 09:28:58 GMT

Hey Guest

Appreciate the reply - well done. I know sometimes family can be pretty daunting to talk to, especially if they have a lot of preconceptions about depression. It's unfortunate that some still in 2014 think it's something that can just be 'snapped out of'!

From the little bits you've written, seems like your step mum might be a little more cluey than the rest and may be first to talk to when the time is right.

Is there a plan for you to be assessed for medication to help you?

Take care - give an update when you can

Kind regards

Scott

Lost & Confused

Flux_amp_Flow — Tue, 22 Apr 2014 03:07:02 GMT

Hey guys,

This is the thread I started, I forgot my password and the rest thing would not work so this is me now.

Hi Geoff,

Christmas went well, I felt quite good for a while up until around February. I agree 100% about the friends thing, it sucks but it is what it is I guess. I've been thinking lately that someday I'll be better off not having them in my life, although I still often ask myself why they're gone and what I could have done to make them stay.

My relationship with my step mother is quite complicated I think, although she is a caring person she's also the type who is your best friend when you are around and then your worst enemy when you're not, she tends to gossip a lot and can be quite spiteful especially towards me and my siblings.

I have two older brother and two younger sisters, we're not that type family whose close to each other, never have been and doubt we ever will be, but out of all them I'd say I'm closer to my sixteen year old sister.

My relationship with my mother and father is quite good, I live with my dad but I've always been closer to my mother, I feel I've always been able to open up more to her than him, just not about depression, go figure.

Hi Scott,

Thank you. You've hit the nail on the head there, unfortunately that's how my dad views depression, something that can just be 'snapped out of' if only it were that easy. I've always been curious as to why people say things like that, it's as if we just wake up one day and think "I'm gonna be depressed".

I'm not sure regarding medication, I've been on an antidepressant for a few months before, the GP said to have a few sessions with the psychologist before starting me on anything, I've got my second session in a few weeks. I'm not sure when the GP reviews it though.

Again, thanks to both of you for taking the time to reply. Take care,

Lost & Confused

Scott_Depression — Thu, 24 Apr 2014 13:31:36 GMT

Hi E

Good on you for taking the time to get back onto BB and post again - well done!

Sounds like you're doing what you need to do with doctors and psych. If you feel frustrated with how things are progressing, might be worth going back to the doctors and see if he can look at med earlier, or ask psych to see you more frequently to help with a quicker assessment.

I know what you're saying about dad's - they can be pretty old school. I'm sure on this site you'd be able to find resources that can explain the disease to even hardened old blokes like him!

It's going to take maybe a few weeks to see a noticeable change in mood - but stick with it - it'll pay big dividends in long term!

Keep in touch!

Kind regards

Scott

Lost & Confused

brobej15 — Thu, 24 Apr 2014 21:58:41 GMT

Hi E,

I definitely agree about the stuff said about family. I didn't see that what people around me were saying could be more destructive than productive. My mum's partner I think is going through some hardships himself but he has seen how I have been the last few months and he always just said 'you'll get out of this, you have everything going for you, you'll be fine'. I think people say these things because they don't actually know what to really say.

There was a point where I couldn't even look at my mum without crying. I knew I couldn't be at home, so I was staying at different people's house's for a week. It felt like I had no home, I had no choice because I had to get out of the situation. The depression took it's toll on me. Being in bed all day, everyday, you feel like you're wasting away.

I'm thankful that I've seen someone about it, I'm on a plan too. It's helping me move around the feelings and emotions so I can deal with them when I want to, rather than the emotions taking over me. I don't know whether you've read or heard about triggers - do you think your family could be a trigger?

Hope that you get on track and that the light gets brighter and brighter for you!

Lost & Confused

Flux_amp_Flow — Fri, 25 Apr 2014 08:12:30 GMT

Hi Scott,

The psychologists receptionist gave me an appointment last time I went for an appointment on the 5th May, she did put me on the cancellation list so that if someone reschedules I could get an earlier appointment. Thanks for the info about the dad stuff.

Hi B,

I think people say things like that because they don't understand what its like, until they personally experience it, if ever. My dad says everyone gets depressed, he told me he even has been before but he just moved on. If only things were that easy.

Sorry about the situation with your mum, I hope it gets better for you. I know the feeling of bouncing around, staying here, there and everywhere. You feel like you don't belong anywhere. It's truly a terrible thing. I can definitely relate to being in bed all day not wanting to move, your mind races and you feel like absolute garbage.

I dropped out of uni last semester, because I simply didn't want to get up everyday and face the world. I've started back this semester, I think it was a mistake. I don't feel ready to deal with it at the moment, even though before the semester started I was really excited to go back.

Going to a GP and getting a mental health plan I think was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I'm glad that you too are trying to deal with things.

I've read about triggers before, I definitely think that certain family members could be triggering my depression. I'll have to read more about triggers though.

Lost & Confused

brobej15 — Fri, 25 Apr 2014 09:54:10 GMT

Flux&Flow

I agree, people who don't know struggle to see it for what it really is. Especially if there's intervention. I think knowing that I'm starting to deal with it on my own, without everyone in the world knowing about what I'm going though has really helped - i mean the social media world and even some of my closest friends. I was in a very large social circle from my old part time job and leaving that environment without a fuss was the best thing I could have done! People who were used to seeing my day after day week after week have no started to ask questions but bottom line, they don't actually care about you, they care about your story. So i just woke up and knew that it's my story - regardless of what these other people thing. It's my story to write. I have to own it. Which is why I'm glad that despite what's going on around, you're doing what you can to get help 🙂

Yeah you're definitely right. The bed isn't even my own, so it's like just existing, not doing anything while everything else around you spins.

Lost & Confused

Flux_amp_Flow — Sat, 26 Apr 2014 14:54:55 GMT

You're right, apart from my doctors no one knows whats going on with me. I think its better thst way at least for now. Most of them wouldn't understand anyway, every time someone asks what I'm going to the doctor I politely tell them that it is private and not to ask again.
My step mother has some sort of depression and she tells everyone she sees that she's on meds and she has depression etc, I dont understand maybe some people just want sympathy. Who knows.

Lost & Confused

brobej15 — Sat, 26 Apr 2014 21:22:18 GMT

Now that I am on my way to recovery and able to do some normal things again, I have told the 3 closest people to me that I'm on treatment. One is thankfully a nurse and she definitely understands, she says I've done the right thing and the key is to have people who actually listen and genuinely are concerned. I don't tell the whole world, it's not their concern, but I told the 3 closest people because I knew that they would need to know if something went wrong while we were spending time together. I'm lucky to have them around but also very grateful that I have people around me who are there. I didn't think I did for such a long time, but it's times and situations like depression where you really see people for who they are, and I think a big part of it is saying no to that in life. That's one thing I've found so difficult is saying no to things that I really know I don't need. I feel better that they understand and know about what's been going on with me, they have been nothing but supportive and just there. I'm grateful for that. I feel like I don't have to hide as much anymore, I can be honest with myself around them. I definitely recommend a friend!!

Lost & Confused

Flux_amp_Flow — Mon, 28 Apr 2014 13:14:44 GMT

That's great I'm glad that you have people whom you can trust. I once told my "best friend" that I was feeling down all the time and that I think I may have depression about 2 years ago and he just laughed and thought it was a big joke. Obviously, I don't consider him a friend anymore nor do I have any contact with him.

I don't know I feel that I want to tell certain people but I can't find the words when I get the courage say something.

Lost & Confused

brobej15 — Mon, 28 Apr 2014 21:36:18 GMT

How about doing it in different forms, a letter, a note, a picture, a video? Something that might be able to help. I chose to tell one of my oldest friends - we have been in each other's lives from 6 onwards - at a really loud gig. All she did was put her hand on my shoulder. That was all I needed to know. It definitely helps to tell someone.

Lost & Confused

Scott_Depression — Tue, 29 Apr 2014 11:36:48 GMT

Hey Flux

Awesome advice from Brobej - I especially like the idea of telling someone that has healthcare exposure - they're generally far more understanding as to what depression/metal illness involves.

I'm not sure but perhaps BB helpline can put you in touch with some sort of support group where you can chat to others going through similar experiences?

It does help to have someone you can turn to, perhaps go through your lists on Facebook and see if you know of someone touched by mental illness - think one in 5 suffer depression so lots of us out there!

Kind regards

Scott

Lost & Confused

Flux_amp_Flow — Wed, 30 Apr 2014 05:07:57 GMT

Just yesterday an ex friend from high school who I haven't seen or spoke to in 5 years messaged me asking how I've been. I'm not sure I'm going to reply as I don't really want anything to do with this person as I feel they were a big part of my depression when our group had a falling out with me being the person who was excluded.

Although, we became friends again for a brief period in year 12, I think I only did this so I wasn't alone. I don't know what to do, definitely need to find support group or something. I think I'm going to tell my step mother when they return from their holiday.

My mum was a nurse for about 20 years so maybe I should tell her first. I'll update when I can.

Bye for now

Lost & Confused

Scott_Depression — Thu, 01 May 2014 12:11:23 GMT

Hey Flux

Your mum sounds perfect! I hope it goes well. Might be worth going onto YouTube and searching for "how to have a difficult conversation" or something? My main piece of advice is to try and organise a time when neither of you have to rush off somewhere & you won't be interrupted.

Re ex friend, it's a tough one. I know a lot of people who changed a lot in 5 years since year 12. I'm in no way defending whatever they did - just saying some acted like jerks when less mature. It's quite tricky. I was bullied a bit in school and didn't bother going to my reunions, etc. because of it. Not sure what the motivation of the person is to get in touch again. If you think it's genuine, it might be healing for you to meet up for coffee, and without making a big deal of it, mention that her behaviour in the past was quite negative. If she accepts responsibility you may consider pursuing the friendship & if she is dismissive at least you tried.

Hope some of this helps

Kind regards

Scott

Lost & Confused

Flux_amp_Flow — Thu, 01 May 2014 12:51:50 GMT

I've been visiting my mum this past week and will be at home until Saturday, I'm just now trying to think of something. I'm thinking we'll have to go shopping or something so we're alone.

That sucks I'm sorry, but it's nice to know that someone else went through a similar situation . Kids can be such jerks about such trivial things, it really bothers me when people bully someone over something they have no control over. I don't really think I'll go to my reunion either, even though it's about 5 years away lol. Don't really have any desire to see any of those people again, although I'd miss the chance to see a few teachers I really liked. Still got a few years to decide I guess.

Anyway kind of went off in a tangent there, sorry. I'm not sure about their motivations either, I've known they guy since we were about 9 but I guess as people get older we change, some for the worse. Think I may just not reply.

Thanks a bunch, you're always helpful. 🙂

Lost & Confused

Scott_Depression — Fri, 02 May 2014 12:31:41 GMT

Hey Flux

Thanks for your kind words - much appreciated!

Sounds like a plan to go shopping & chat over coffee - hope it goes really well. Try and keep the conversation relaxed if possible - not always easy. The other bit of advice I'd give is this - try and give your mum plenty of chance to ask questions by saying things like 'Is there anything you want to ask?" and "Do you want to know my plans on dealing with it" Sometimes it can keep things flowing in a relaxed manner.

Guess the question then is - What if she says she has no questions. Hmmmm - good question! If this happens I think it might be a good time to tell your mum that you really need her support and you want to make sure you can tell her anything - hope that will help?

Hope the chat goes well - imagine you're looking to the psych appointment on Monday too

Warm wishes

Scott

PS with the friend (ex friend) thing I probably should have been a bit clearer earlier. With hindsight, I kick myself a bit that I wasn't a little more "grown up" about it & not held onto my anger - it really only hurts myself as I missed out on catching up with old friends! I'm not suggesting you meet with your old friend, just thought I should add that info to the mix! ha ha! Good luck shopping!!

Lost & Confused

Flux_amp_Flow — Sat, 03 May 2014 14:44:51 GMT

No worries.

I didn't suggest going to the mall to get coffee, It was just better to stay at home as my sisters were at school and my step father was at work. I didn't jump straight into the conversation with " Hey mum, I'm depressed" rather I eased into it. I was talking to my mum about my three brothers who passed away before I was born, I've never spoke to her about that topic before and it was good to talk about them and hear about what they were like although I never got a chance meet them. I know it must've been hard for my mother to talk about it as it was for me to listen, but I could see she was happy talking about the good times that she got to spend with them, so It made me happy in a way. Hard to explain.

My mum asked me why I wanted to know and I said my psychologist asked me to make a list of my family. When she asked why I was seeing a psych I told her I hadn't felt well in a while and I want to seek help, my mum asked me a few questions and why I hadn't spoke to her about it earlier, but she understood how hard it must be and she was a bit upset that she hadn't noticed anything wrong. I said it's because I've become quite good at hiding it.

It's a big relief to finally tell someone besides my GP, psych and people on the internet. I'm not quite ready to tell other people quite yet but hey it's a start right.

I don't think I've felt anger towards my old friend for quite some time now, it's just that I feel I don't want to pursue the friendship anymore. It's hard to explain, hard to put into words.