topic Fearful I will never get better again in Depression

Fearful I will never get better again

Fearful — Tue, 03 Feb 2015 03:46:36 GMT

Hi there

I'm new. I posted 2 posts here last week but they were removed by BB - my word count was too long. So I'm starting again Thanks to the two people who replied to me I appreciate your support but can't remember your names sorry. One of you said I haven't gained control of my thoughts and I'm wondering if you can clarify how I can do that please? as its a skill I definitely need to learn.

I'm a 58 yr old female & very frustrated that at my age I still haven't got my crap together!!!! I've suffered from anxiety & depression all my life but only 15 yrs ago diagnosed & treated with meds and psychology. 18 months ago after a prolonged period of stress and mental struggles, I slipped into severe chronic depression and anxiety and had to give up work. I had no motivation for anything, didn't want to get out of bed and felt anxious about everything. I couldn't see any point in life. Nothing (even my lovely friends and pets) seemed worth living for. I had no appetite and diarrhoea. It's a very scary way to feel as I'm sure you're all aware. I've felt that way before but it's never lasted more than a few weeks. I find it so scary that it has lasted so long and hence my fear that I'll never get better this time.

I live on my own & have no family but have several good friends. With the support of 2 wonderful friends I survived the last 18 months, and 3 months ago took up part time work which is going ok tho most days I'm forcing myself to go so I'm not actually enjoying it yet. But I know it's good for me to have the income & social interaction.

Although I've improved and I now have good days where I feel like my old self (that's such a wonderful feeling!!). I can't seem to hold onto it no matter how I try and, after a few days I slip back into the deep black hole again. I'm trying really hard to be well - forcie myself to push through feelings to socialise & achieve things, to eat & exercise. Do other self help stuff such as take Tumeric, omega 3's, drink water, monitor thoughts. I hate my life. It's really getting me down and I'm afraid im never going to get better no matter how hard I try. My psychiatrist says coming out of it is an up and down process not a smooth path so that helps explain it a bit. I just hate that gloomy/anxious feeling that is always in the background waiting to smother me. I feel It's my fault I must be doing something wrong.

Have you been through similar and recovered? PLEASE tell me how you did it.

Fearful I will never get better again

Myfears — Tue, 03 Feb 2015 08:35:02 GMT

Hi Fearful,

my goodness, you've just described my life apart from having no family. I have a great family who are trying to help me through this battle. It's very hard as you say, I am at home right now feeling all the crappy things anxiety and depression throw at you. I haven't been to work for 6 weeks, lucky my manager is compassionate and understanding.

I feel for you because I know exactly what you're going through. In my case I can't even take Meds due to sensitivity with side effects.

You're not doing anything wrong this disorder is aggressive and nasty.

i am like you and don't know how to recover or feel better, I've done everything my Pschycologist has shown me, done breathing, meditation ect.

I hope you get some answers and help and we both can get better soon.

Fearful I will never get better again

Neil_1 — Wed, 04 Feb 2015 00:14:50 GMT

Dear Fearful

Welcome to Beyond Blue & thank you for providing your posts. I can’t recall seeing your posts last week & I’m pretty sure that wasn’t me that said to gain control of your thoughts, etc; that sounded far too knowledgeable & insightful to be something that I’d write!

I’m 49 & a bit; actually closing in on 50 & am trying hard each day to keep my crap from getting out of control. I’ve got all the “regular things” in place in order to help out with this illness: good doc, good psychiatrist, good psychologist, good meds, (not so good bank account, due to the aforementioned stuff), have friends (who I can call, but rarely do, due to the illness), family is just my bro & his family as I’ve lost all the rest, have my own fam, which are awesome. I exercise regularly, try & eat healthy, & try to get adequate amounts of sleep; & also keep well hydrated by drinking loads of water each & every day. I could go on, but I’m just trying to give you the rundown of what I do to keep “chugging along”.

There is no way in the world that you are doing anything wrong – in fact, you should be giving yourself a pat on the back because of all the good things that you are doing to help & improve yourself. All that you’ve written is really brilliant & I say mega kudos to you for getting all this happening; believe me, it DOES take a lot of effort to get these mechanisms into place.

I do believe that the good days you’re having will become gradually more & more; as your psyche said it’s an up & down process & for you to know this is great. Cause when the next down time happens, don’t beat yourself up about it … acknowledge that it’s there, you’re feeling low but deep down it WILL pass.

As much as you probably don’t want to, trying to find things that you enjoy doing IS a big thing – & these can range from pretty much anything. As wide a thing as you can think of & can be anything.

I do hope you can post back again as well.

Neil

Fearful I will never get better again

Fearful — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 02:14:42 GMT

Hi Myfears,

thanks for replying and sharing. I'm very sorry to hear you're going through the same as me. I hope you feel better soon. It's great that you have a supportive family and boss - that will help a lot.

I'm on quite a lot of meds but they're not really helping. I go up and down regardless. So you may not be missing out on anything there. It also adds another worry to your life. E.g. Am I taking too much, is it helping or making things worse, what are all these meds doing to my body/liver in the long term?

im feeling very anxious and down again today. hate waking up each morning to this feeling. Have got a few jobs done this morning but it gives me no pleasure. I've no enthusiasm for anything. Don't know where to go from here.

bye for now

Fearful I will never get better again

Fearful — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 02:34:04 GMT

Dear Neil

thanks for your reply and words of encouragement. I really appreciate it.

And thanks for listing all the things you do to keep well. I do much the same, though I often give up trying and neglect myself on really bad days. I also generally don't drink enough water and am currently trying to improve that as it is supposed to help isn't it.

Yes I agree it does take a huge amount of effort to implement all the self help stuff. I find it quite exhausting some days. I know I'm doing my best, and try to pat myself on the back for that, but many days I just feel so down and sometimes also angry that I'm still struggling day after day and getting nowhere despite all the effort.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up but I do. It's a bad habit I'm trying to break. its not helpful is it. Just makes me feel worse. But I get so sick of my miserable self and out of that comes self hatred. Still working on it.....

thanks again

bye for now

Fearful I will never get better again

White_Rose — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 05:10:55 GMT

Dear Fearful

I have just read this post and, as someone else has commented, you could be talking about me. Good days are terrific. I sing and dance, well sort of, get on with my life and believe all will be well for ever. And of of course I come back to earth with an almighty thud.

But I still do enjoy the good stuff and I try to remember what it feels like on the bad days. I tell myself that depression is cycle. As John Denver used to sing, 'Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.' And that's the way it is in life. Even without depression we have days we never want again.

Also like you I get frustrated. Why can't I stay stable and balanced? Why do I keep trying because it is obviously not working? Why can't someone find a cure for me? You've probably asked the same questions and more.

At one stage I would get so overwhelmed by it all that I could hardly move and that's when despair would kick in. So yes, learning to manage your thoughts is vital and unfortunately usually takes a while to do. This wretched illness is so all pervasive that it seems at times that however many weeds you pull up there will always be another.

Now I have thoroughly depressed you let me say there is a light. We work harder than many people to keep ourselves going. We really have boldly gone where not many others have gone before. Well, less than the whole population anyway. And you know what? This gives us the ability to help others. Not only those with depression and other mental illnesses, but also the 'normal' folk.

Look how much empathy others have shown you, how much support and love. Not much of it out there in what is called the real world. So if we are able to give love and compassion to others, no matter what their problems, we have indeed travelled a long way.

Is the journey worthwhile? It depends on what you do with the knowledge and skills. It's no good saying I would rather not take this road because we have no choice. So lets make the best of it and tame the Black Dog to do what we want.

I hope you can remember the good days when all is dark and cold. The sun is still shining and with practice you will feel it again.

Mary

Fearful I will never get better again

Fearful — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 08:37:54 GMT

Hi Mary

thanks for taking the time to write to me. I feel exactly like you on the good days, contented and full of optimism and enthusiasm for life. Unfortunately I only have a few days like that now and then. The rest are full of anxiety and gloom. I so wish I could feel like that more often. I try to hold onto it. I try to really feel it, smell it, hear it, embrace everything about it. I also write all about it in a book so I can read it when I feel bad and try to get some of it back or at the very least give myself some hope that more good days will come.

Its interesting you feel the same ups and downs. I thought it was just me and was trying to work out what I did differently to bring on the good days and what I do wrong to bring on the bad days. If you have the same pattern, Maybe there's no way to get any control. Maybe it's just a chemical see saw that is purely random. A very exhausting and demoralising see saw!!!

How long do your ups and downs last? Have you found your periods of good days are getting longer or more frequent as you learn ways to manage it.

i hear you saying acceptance is very important and my psychologist and friends say the same. But I haven't managed to get there yet. Sounds like you have though. Good on you. I just can't manage to accept something that makes me feel so anxious and despairing. I'm angry and afraid of it. I want to run from it not sit down with it and accept it. It's something I need to work hard on I think - Sounds like you're in a good space now you've managed to accept it as part of you.

thanks again xxx

Fearful I will never get better again

Fearful — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 10:52:04 GMT

Hi again Mary,

i forgot to say that I feel exactly the same as you on a good day - that is I feel so great that I am completely confident that this time I am finally over it and all will be well forever. Only to come crashing down the next day or a couple of days later. I find it very interesting that we have the same up and down pattern and that we both think the same thoughts when we're up.. It's weird but at the same time somewhat comforting to learn it is a pattern of the illness and not my fault or my doing. I'm always wondering what I did or didn't do to make things suddenly better or worse. Maybe it has nothing to do with what I'm doing?

Also.... I forgot to tell you, No matter how bad my day is I nearly always feel better in the evenings. Sometimes just a moderate improvement but many times I even feel great - relaxed and happy and have an appetite - and I go to bed feeling extremely positive and certain I'm going to wake up in the morning still feeling great. Only to wake the next morning feeling anxious and depressed all over again. And so another day of immense struggle begins.... And then there are the times when I dread an upcoming social engagement certain that I will feel anxious and find it a struggle like I usually do only to find that when the day arrives I feelI completely fine and sail through it and enjoy it. t's like a horrible form of torture, having no control and never knowing what's coming next. I'm curious.... Do you ever have this pattern of feeling better in the evenings too?

cheerio for now

Fearful I will never get better again

White_Rose — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 11:49:21 GMT

Hello Fearful

Thanks for your reply. You make me sound better than I am. I have sort of accepted my life. Not all the time but enough to give me some hope that one day life will be much better. It's not an easy journey and I don't want to depress you further by saying this. The truth is that I have struggled and fought against acceptance, denied I can get better, blamed everyone except myself for not making me better, screamed it isn't fair and frequently sulked about my lot in life. All very ugly.

I finally realised I had to do the work myself and that was the worst part. I had support from the psychologist, bless his cotton socks, and from my wonderful GP, both of them telling me they would support me but I had to do the work. At first the enormity of the task scared me silly. Well it still does at times and I go down very quickly. I would love to say I can manage on my own but it's not true. I still need lots of coaching.

What helped me most was a picture of how my brain was working. If you want something to sink your teeth into I suggest you look up neuroplasticity. It's all about how the brain can change its thinking and the way it works. We are the prisoners of our own brains. We have developed default pathways of thinking about most things. So when something goes amiss we head straight for the default path. And since that is often the path that tells us we are stupid, unworthy, unlovable etc. we believe it.

What we have to do is recognise these paths and stop running down them. Imagine if the grass on your lawn was quite high. If you mowed a few paths through it there would be an easy way to walk from the front door to the gate. And if you continue to use these paths they will stay defined and flattened. But what about choosing another path? Especially if the first path is getting boggy and horrid to walk on. Just like our thoughts that are more and more difficult and painful as we return to them constantly.

So you need to learn a different way of thinking and to challenge your previous ideas. Not an easy task and usually needs the help of a psychologist or similar. Just don't let them make it too complicated. Once you learn the trick life becomes easier. By the way, its called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

It took me a while to learn. You need images to keep in front of you. What will happen if you use the same path constantly? You will get muddy, slip over, get hurt. A new path will be clean and sweet smelling, lovely to walk along.

Mary

Fearful I will never get better again

Fearful — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 11:06:15 GMT

Wow Mary

thanks..... you write so beautifully!

Im aware of the neural pathways theories and, like you, I think they make a lot of sense. I really like your image of a worn out path with slippery mud and potholes. I've been picturing mine as a pristine straight highway that Is well travelled and very fast. I've kind of glorified it haven't I, and made it seem strong, fast and invincible.. Thanks to you I'll work on changing that image.

My psychol once said it's like exercising the wrong muscle over and over and it made me realise I've been going to the anxiety and depression gym all my life and making that muscle stronger and stronger. My other good muscles are wasting away. Everything's totally out of balance. I need to change gyms!!!

i also know about CBT and try to challenge my negative and anxious thoughts. As you say though, it is very very hard work and very exhausting at times. I also have to watch my tendency to turn it into a self blame game which exacerbates the situation. E.g. If I hadn't thought that way yesterday I wouldn't be feeling this way today. It's a fine line between taking responsibility positively and beating myself up. Like you said, it's Very hard work. But it im sure it should pay off in the long term. It's just not happening fast enough for me and I feel so defeated and despondent when I work hard and keep falling back in the same damn hole.

then....there's the times when the black hole comes and stays without any obvious detrimental thought patterns preceding it. What's happening then?

i sometimes test myself on a good day by thinking thoughts that would upset or make me anxious on a bad day, and I find the thoughts have no impact. I don't do it often lest I jinx my good day, but it does make me wonder.... Is there an element of chemical/genetic stuff causing it too? Or is it like an old habit we just fall into without thinking? Maybe a bit of everything eh? That's why it's such hard work....

However regardless of the trigger, I know I get very fearful, get things out of perspective and totally catastrophise things when I'm in that state and I can definitely work on that....

But...... sometimes I just put my toolbox and theories aside and have a good cry. That's very helpful too (when I can manage to cry). Its like releasing the steam valve on a pressure cooker.

look forward to Talking more Mary.

Chris

Fearful I will never get better again

White_Rose — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 17:45:57 GMT

Hello Chris

A much better name than Fearful however apt it sounds. Yes I agree about the good cry, very therapeutic. I recently watched a film on TV which was sad and I ended up in tears, as you do. Afterwards I thought about the tears and sadness and realised that although I felt sad it was only temporary and in many ways I felt quite good about crying. I had a chat with GP about and she said it was a normal reaction to a sad film, which is true, and my tears were OK.

The strange thing is that the sadness felt different. Not explaining it well I feel. Somehow watching a story about someone else. even if fictional, released something different in me. In a strange way the outcome felt the same as laughing at something. My whole body and energy was involved and the emotional part of me got a good workout without exhausting me. It felt as though my emotions had been given a good shake up and restored to some sort of equilibrium. Very different to crying in what I call self pity.

I love the analogy of exercising the wrong muscles. Very true! No wonder we run to them in times of trouble. But of course the good muscles need exercise as you say. So yes, changing your gym sounds a great idea. I do go to a gym and find exercise very hard work. Over time I know I have become stronger, better lung function etc, but boy it's hard work. I have lots of encouragement from the physio and the exercise physiologist. Both believe in pushing me but not so much that I give up.

I suppose this is what the psychs do. Don't you just hate it when they are right? You can use your pristine highway to take you to good places. You just need to thumb a lift now and then.

I love mental pictures of where I am. It gives me something to hang on to. I once drew a picture of me (stick man) standing outside a cave looking at the the hill I had to climb, which was covered in huge boulders I would have to get over. I commented to my daughter that I could only stand outside the cave at this stage and even then I kept going in again. That's OK she said, you just ducked in to get your toothbrush. Sometimes my daughter says the most amazing things.

I try to stop at the entrance to the default path and visualise myself trampling a new path. Because I have to do this I get quite annoyed and stamp around making a great noise and fuss. I am cranky because I have to do this work and I want the easy option, but even I realise it has no value.

Talk again soon.

Mary

Fearful I will never get better again

Fearful — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 02:17:08 GMT

Hi again Mary,

your cry after the movie sounds very therapeutic. Most of the time I can't cry- think all my meds cause that. Now and then I long for it tho - to release emotional tension & frustration that builds up. it's like feeling really nauseous & not being able to vomit.

I like mental pictures too. Your daughter is a sweetheart.

I've started going regularly to the gym too. Like you I find it hard work but I'm persevering as it's supposed to help.

If only there was a manic pill eh. But there's not unfortunately. I know it's up to me to get myself better. No one else can do it for me. I just hope I'm strong enough to do it. Sharing with you is giving me hope.

one thing I really struggle with is wanting to avoid situations and places where I've previously felt anxious and depressed because I then associate that place/situation with the scary feelings and become very fearful that going back there will trigger it again. Since I've felt bad in almost all places and situations at some stage, that means I often want to avoid everything and just stay home in bed safe. And some days that's exactly what I do I'm embarrassed to say. The rest of the time I force myself out each day as I know if I don't do that, fear and avoidance will completely take over my life.

itis really hard work though isn't it. some days it overwhelms me and I resort to sedatives. Then I worry I'll become hooked on them. So much worry and fear and despair to work through all the time. I'm Really tired of it.

Sorry to be so depressing but I'm not in a good space - have had a few bad weeks topped off with two really bad days and trying to dig myself out. Trying to remember the good days but they are elusive.

Think I need to get pen and paper out and do some CBT work don't I. Think I also need a hug and some reassurance I'm doing ok. I Hate to burden my friends with all this but I've asked a friend to visit this afternoon to talk Hopefully that will Help.

i also need to talk to my psychol about helping me work on CBT. She hasn't encouraged it due to my self bashing tendency. Instead she's been trying to get me to just accep I'm genetically hard wired this way and try to work with it rather than fight it. I think I do need to accept it to some degree, but after talking to you I can see I also need help to learn how to deal with it through CBT.

Thanks for talking with me.Mary. I'll have a good day soon and share some positive thoughts with you.

Chris

Fearful I will never get better again

Fearful — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 05:36:53 GMT

Hi Mary

That should read "magic" pill not "manic" pill. I definitely don't need manic pills!!! 🙂

Chris

Fearful I will never get better again

Fearful — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 06:08:09 GMT

Hi Neil

just read your post again

good point about finding something I enjoy. Problem is when I'm down I can't see the point in anything.

However on reflectio.... when I've been down before I've enjoyed watching a movie with one of my cuddly cats curled up in my lap. The cuddle is good for my soul and the movie helps distract my thoughts and mood for a while.

I also usually feel a bit better in the evenings no matter how bad the day has been (not sure why but I suspect it's because the days struggle is over and I'm soon going to my nice bed to sleep and relax for a few hours).

anyway.... That's 2 things I enjoy and can look forward to when I'm in the middle of a bad day, so thanks for prompting me to think about that. It's been a very helpful exercise.

cheers

Chris

Fearful I will never get better again

Fearful — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 07:54:29 GMT

Hi Mary

quick note to let you know I'm feeling a lot better.

Wrote a lot down today which I often find therapeutic - gets the feelings out of my head and onto paper where I can deal with them more logically and rationally. I wrote about what's worring me, how I'm feeling and wrote a plan of action for moving forward which includes starting CBT with my psychologist (thanks to you). The plan also includes all the things I can do for myself each day to keep myself physically and mentally as well as possible.. It also has lots of underlined notes like - don't expect perfection!- average success is good enough! - NO SELF BASHING if I slip up on anything!

I drew a couple of pictures too (also inspired by you). One showing a broken person separate from the world which encapsulates how I feel a lot of the time. The other shows how I view a typical day - it has a little stick figure starting to walk up a huge mountain which has lots of peaks and troughs at the top but a nice easy downward path at the end of the day. They're useful images for me and also for others like my therapist and friends who want to understand things from my point of view.

And I had a really nice visit from a dear friend who listened to my concerns, gave me positive and constructive feedback on my plan and two lovely warm bear hugs!

so I'm feeling much more positive and hopeful. Thanks so much for your inspiration!

hugs

Chris

Fearful I will never get better again

White_Rose — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 08:54:06 GMT

Dear Chris

What beautiful replies from you. I am indeed honoured. So pleased you are having a better time. Writing and pictures mean a lot to me but I also collect poetry and quotes that I find inspirational. I have them stuck up in my kitchen to remind me that others know where I am and have been there.

The John Denver song of course. I'm a big fan of his. Quote, I can't stop the waves but I can learn how to surf. Saw that on BB somewhere.

Another quote is under a picture of a young child (legs only) walking along a log. The caption says No magic potions..No fairy dust. No one to push you...no one to do it for you. Just one determined foot in front of the another. I like it because I often feel like a child wanting security and help. Ironic really as children are usually the most determined of people to learn to do things on their own. But it does remind me who is in the driver's seat.

I went to a mental health seminar a while ago. One of the speakers told us about her experience of depression. She also showed on the big screen some amazing pictures she had painted. I was pretty fragile at that time and probably should not have attended as I got quite upset and teary. So the artist and her husband took me off for a chat which I appreciated.

They gave me a copy of the picture on a card and almost made me cry again. The woman in the picture is very sad and is holding a mask on a stick in front of her. Well, we all know the story of masks and how we put them on at the drop of a hat.

Behind the mask the woman is sad and you can see inside of her head where she has various objects. Two audio tapes for the constant chatter we hear, a clock, a figure holding a hammer, hourglass, something blocking the ear, figures with a syringe. There is a hole in the top of the head and a hand is pulling out bits of rubbish to put in the bin next to the woman. The artist told me it was the hand of God pulling out the rubbish.

Such a powerful picture and so instantly recognised by all those with depression. I have framed it so that I can keep it on display. It reminds me that I am not the only one with problems.

Had a bit of a meltdown today. It made me so angry with myself that I could fall over again when it seemed I was doing well. Despite my best efforts I want to give up and admit to the world how useless I am. So I will try distraction therapy and hope that in the morning I feel better.

Mary

Fearful I will never get better again

Fearful — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 01:11:38 GMT

Dear Mary

thanks for sharing all your inspirational things with me. They are our little life rafts all these tools we use aren't they.. Ready to use when the storms come.

Im so sorry to hear you're not feeling good Mary. I'm also dismayed to hear you call yourself useless, because you're definitely not. You're doing an amazing job of keeping yourself well.

At the same time I see so much of myself in you. We're very alike. I relate to how you feel completely as I call myself the exact same word frequently when I slip up. Like you, I feel totally disappointed, despairing, frustrated and angry when i fall back down again and I blame myself. I compare myself to others & beat myself up for not being like them. It's a bad approach to talk to our selves this way and we need to try to learn to be kinder to ourselves. I Maybe w can find another place to direct our anger. I don't know...

all I know is

I feel really sad hearing you say that about yourself because I know the despair you're feeling and.... I don't think you're useless at all. I can hear you have gathered lots of great tools set up to help yourself. Have a look in your tool box and get a few of them out to try. I'm sure you'll manage to work your way out of this fairly soon. You've done it before, you can do it again.

im not feeling crash hot today either. Feeling quite down & anxious but not as bad as the last few days so that's something. I felt really optimistic last night (often do in the evening) and went to bed saying please please please hold onto this and feel like this again tomorrow. But morning came and fear, uncertainty and a sense of down ness and emptyness returned. I'm really disappointed as I thought I'd turned a corner and was due for a good day or two. I HATE being like this. Im sick of struggling! Why can't I be normal!!!!

Ok.... Thinking that won't help. I'll try to accept it & go with the flow. I'll spend a bit of time writing down my feelings (sometimes helps) and re-read the plan I wrote yesterday, then try to get on and do a few jobs and hopefully the day will improve. I have 2 friends coming for dinner so need to prepare for that and either cheer myself up or put on my mask.

Go well Mary and let me know how you're travelling. I'm sure you will find the right tools and be feeling better in no time.

Hugs

Chris

Fearful I will never get better again

White_Rose — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 02:38:03 GMT

Thank you for your words of comfort, Chris. Yesterday was pretty awful but I have survived after, for me, a good night's sleep. Got up and had breakfast and went back to bed. Only woke again when the phone rang. It was a friend wanting to know how I was going.

There was a time when I believed I did not deserve friends friends or any sort of kindness. Learning that's not true these days. Amazing how our brains trick us into such rubbish.

Why can't I be normal is something I have often asked. But I think we are normal. We are just on a different part of the normal spectrum. So I've solved both our problems. (hmmmm)

Loved your self descriptions. I say exactly the same, in the same words. We should live next door to each other and we can have a duet of self loathing. Or not. Oh dear, I do try and see the funny side of life but it doesn't always work.

I do understand the morning blues. For a while I would wake up to a pounding heart and sense of dread at what MIGHT happen during the day. Usually felt better by evening. So maybe part of it is our slow metabolism in the morning. I eat breakfast pretty much as soon as I get up, although I don't always get dressed straight away. I know many people go for a walk first thing which stirs up the system. As far as I am concerned, WALK is one of those four letter forbidden words. Obviously I was never a dog in a previous life.

Love how you can say, stop thinking like that. I know it's not as easy as it sounds. My husband, now ex, used to to tell me I could lose weight by not eating so much. Brilliant insight. Obviously the male brain talking. No conception of the difficulties involved. Oh dear, that does sound very unkind.

As my daughter used to tell me, baby steps mom, baby steps. I think she should have been a psychologist..

I will repeat your advice to me. Go well. Remind yourself you are lovely just as you are.

Mary

Fearful I will never get better again

Fearful — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 14:29:39 GMT

Dear Mary

how are you going? Bit better I hope...

sorry I'm slow replying. Had to work today.

You had some interesting comments and insights into the points I raised thanks. And you definitely deserve friends Mary - you're lovely!

I've had a great day today for which I'm very grateful. Went to bed expecting to wake up feeling anxious about work but..... I Woke up with no feelings of anxiety or depression at all and that's continued throughout the day which has been absolutely WONDERFULL. Woo hoo - a good day at last. It feels so nice to be optimistic, positive and relaxed. Let's hope i have more days like this.

let me know how you are Mary

bye for now

Chris.

Fearful I will never get better again

Fearful — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 11:29:42 GMT

Hi Mary

how are you travelling?

i re-read your last post and it's interesting you often feel worse in the morning and better in the evening too. As you say it might be a metabolism thing.. yes I think it's good to start the day with breakfast. I didn't use to eat breakfast as I have trouble eating when I'm emotionally upset, but lately I've started making myself have something - just a small bowl of natural yoghurt and fruit with some raw oats sprinkled on top. Not a big serving but it's healthy and better than nothing, and it's super easy to prepare.

i had an ok day today. Not as good as yesterday, but not a bad day either. The black dog was following me around but I kept myself busy and managed to keep it from biting my ankles too much.

cherio for now

xx Chris