topic Depressed about stuffing up again in Depression

Depressed about stuffing up again

Jo3 — Fri, 26 Sep 2014 05:53:30 GMT

Why is it that everytime I do something I stuff up big time??

I hate it so much that now I am hating myself so much. I had a session last night with my regular therapist. He gave me work to do on the moodgym website. I started last night. But then I thought I would like a session next week to discuss certain issues I have but never have time to talk about it. So I emailed him last night. He replied this morning with - no I don't have any appts for the whole week, I will see you the following week and we can put these issues down on a list to talk about then. And he also told me not to email him a reply because he knew that I would be angry with him and he didn't want a reply. Oh yes I was damn angry with him - why couldn't he fit me in somewhere; why does he have to have boundaries;

So what did I do? - I emailed him back in my state of rage with him. I asked him if I could then speak with him today. His reply was no we will talk on Monday. That made me even more angry so I replied back saying that I was so damn angry with him and that I hated him. (He knows that I don't really hate him). He never replied back.

So I guess I have to wait until Monday, It annoys me because I know that my behaviour was very childish, and prob manipulative as well. All I wanted was to talk to him or even better have another session.

I stuff up all the time; maybe he should give up on me for good.

Depressed about stuffing up again

Dennis38 — Fri, 26 Sep 2014 20:08:16 GMT

Hey Jo3 its me again,

First off we all stuff up, some times it just feels like that we are stuffing up all the time, heck I am the king of stuff ups lol. Right now the comment about the he should give up on me, is not really you talking that is your frustration of not getting your way. As to why does he have boundaries the boundaries are for both of you. If he could see you all the time that you wanted, you would start to lean on him instead of trying to stand up on your own two feet. That is the real danger that, I am going to say all, theripists have to face is that their clients will lean on them to much.

I Know because for the first few months of me talking to my counciler it felt like I could not do a thing with out first running to him, ringing my hands and saying what do I do?!! Instead of simply looking at the problems myself and working them out myself.

Don't be too hard on yourself Jo we all get upset, we all get angry and when we get angry we get stupid, let yourself be human, when you see him Monday simply say your sorry that you let your anger get the better of you. And forgive yourself for it as well!!!

Depressed about stuffing up again

Jo3 — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 01:06:07 GMT

Hi Dennis

Great to hear from you again. Today I am trying to stay focused on auction next Saturday, trying to stay positive that things will work out. I think what happens is that some little voice in my head pushes and pushes and tells me negative things and I get drawn into it, but I am not going to let it do this. I need to stay positive.

My therapist will ring me on Monday to "check in on me" for the week and he knows that I will be angry with him. But it's not the "I am sorry" thing that I have to say to him; it's how do I work through this issue and cope with it better next time. That's what I need to do. He is sick of me saying sorry - he wants to see changes in my behaviour.

Sometimes I feel like a little kid wanting to tell him off, scream at him and tell him where to go. But the rational side of me knows that he is my therapist, he has been for 3 yrs and I can't scream at him. But the little kid inside of me really would love to do that. It's like I am wanting to have a temper tantrum!! LOL

I need to learn how to give myself some slack, I know I expect too much of myself and that's hard to change.

Anyway, today is a beautiful sunny warm day, I'm going for a 5km walk with the dog and hubby and then coming home to lunch and watch the grand final.

I hope you have a nice weekend.

Depressed about stuffing up again

white knight — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 05:42:36 GMT

Hi Jo,

You said " why couldn't he fit me in somewhere" Do you know his schedule? How ill are your therapists patients that fill his diary that stop him from fitting you in? What if he was attending events during the week like- going on a well earned break, more training, etc? There are so many things your therapist could be doing that he could not fit you in Jo. But you expected him to make room for you. Also he told you directly not to email him back....but you did. I dont understand either of those actions at all Jo.. You realsie this and it sparks more depression. It's a never ending cycle unless you put into practice the view that prevention is better than cure. Prevent depression by not over reacting.

So you clearly have such emotion that you go against your key supporters, the people you need. But you acknowledge this as being childish. I dont see it as manipulative. More like stamping your feet as you are not getting what you want, when you want it.

This might be classic example to your symptoms of your illness Jo. Maybe your therapist knows this and is wanting change from you, advancement, implementing his teachings, going the next step?

We cant judge the lives and schedules of others. We cant expect others to down tools for us. We must be understanding even when we are at our worst. We cant bite the hand that feeds us. This is an experience Jo that I'm sure you will overcome and it isnt likely to happen again. I say this because cognitive deficiency dictates that our childish ways, what we didnt learn as a child, has to be learned as an adult, one step at a time.

Put it in the past Jo and as Dennis wisely said, forgive yourself. Perhaps instead of saying sorry to your therapist you could walk in and say- "my insistance that you see me last week and my email back to you was lack of respect for you. it wont happen again". It's still and apology without the sorry.

Take care.

Depressed about stuffing up again

Jo3 — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 07:20:16 GMT

Hi Tony

I read your reply and had to re-read it. At first reading this I was angry with myself because I can see where I did wrong. I do realise what I have done that was not the right thing to do. And part of me feels terrible for even writing on here about what I did - thinking that people will be judging me.

OK, it's happened, I can't change what I did but on Monday I will say to him that it was lack of respect for him and I will not do it again. I think I have a lot of work to do in regards to my cognitive deficiency. And like you say small steps in learning this now as an adult.

I hope no one on here judges me for what I have done; I feel bad enough without having thoughts about others on here. I have a lot of work still to do.

Depressed about stuffing up again

White_Rose — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 08:47:45 GMT

Hello Jo

I think you were very brave to write your story here. I do similar things but do not have the courage to admit it. Being angry with my therapist is common for me as well as writing irate emails. I think I would die of mortification if he told me not to write back when or if he replied. But then I am so scared of being sent away that I would not have the nerve to reply.

It sounds as though basically you have a good relationship with your therapist. Good enough that you feel safe in writing rude emails. I would love to have that relationship. I am also in awe that you will be able to tell him it was lack of respect that made you write in the way you did. Wow! What a turn around. It seems you will have made the next huge step. Keep up the good work.

I frequently feel I am being childish and I do understand I need to learn to be an adult but it is hard. I fight so hard to do the right things and then convince myself that I am a useless person and waste of space. I really want some peace in my life but it's not going to happen unless I take that extreme step and some days I am so tempted.

Keep going Jo.

LING

Depressed about stuffing up again

Jo3 — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 10:00:00 GMT

Hi LING

Thanks for your reply. I must admit I do have a really good relationship with him. We laugh at times, we joke but at the same time he lets me release my emotions and he listens to me and never judges. I feel so comfortable with him that I can tell him everything from my children, my parents, my issues, my husband etc etc. He knows so much about me and my family. He always asks how the kids are and what they're up to.

I feel terrible when I realise that I do act childish because I am not a child; I am 49 yrs old. But I am starting to see that maybe I didn't get to express my emotions as a child and never ever expressed my own thoughts to my parents or siblings. I was very sheltered and very much shy and introverted. So I guess a part of me when I behave like this is my "child" coming out of me.

I think you can do it LING, you can take that extra step, and you will know when it is. You are not useless or a wasted space, you are an amazing person, thanks for supporting me.

Hope to chat again

Take care

Depressed about stuffing up again

white knight — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 10:52:22 GMT

Yes Jo, LING is right, its brave to be so honest here - straight forward then admit your error.

Be proud that you know your mistake. Be prouder that you will rectify it.

None of us are perfect.

luv Tony

Depressed about stuffing up again

Jo3 — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 11:10:33 GMT

I am so glad to be a part of this online forum "family". So many great friends that support each other,

Thanks Tony

Jo xx

Depressed about stuffing up again

white knight — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 13:07:45 GMT

Hi Jo,

I made a comment of " More like stamping your feet as you are not getting what you want, when you want it" and maybe another one that wasnt good, not helpful. I hope you are ok and feel better.

Monday will be fine for you. Think positive and display your improvement you've made over recent months.

All my love, your friend Tony.

Depressed about stuffing up again

Dennis38 — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 19:52:33 GMT

Hey Jo,

You made an interesting comment that I think really pertains to a lot of us, especially when we are under the control of depression and that comment was "I hope no one on here judges me for what I have done; I feel bad enough without having thoughts about others on here." A good part of why people do not want to get help, or are afraid to get help ( I am including myself in this category before I went and got help) is that we are all afraid of what other people might think, even total strangers.

To me that is one of the strangest aspects, because before I sunk as low as I had I never really cared to much what people thought about me. But as soon as I started to sink into a depression that nearly ended my life, it become very very important to me on what other people might think if they knew I was depressed.

This is fear of other people's judgements is one of the first things that you really need to try and get rid of as it will really help in the healing process. First the only person that has a right to judge you, is you, no one else lives in your shoes and if a person tries to judge you, just blow them off and ignore them, hard some times especially when it comes to family. Second you need not judge yourself to harshly, let yourself make mistakes, so long as you do not keep repeating the same ones you are moving in the right direction.

Anyways some food for thought 😃 hope you have a great weekend.

Depressed about stuffing up again

Jo3 — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 23:46:41 GMT

Hey Tony

I'm okay today. The sun is out, I'm sitting on my deck outside with a coffee and the sun is on my back. Today we have an open house at 11am so we'll go out for a coffee. This afternoon I will do a 3km walk with Jersey and my husband. I love being outside when the weather is so nice. It just makes me feel good.

Stamping my feel - I understand what you're saying. Hey maybe I didn't stamp my feet enough when I was young and when I did my parents ignored me!!

I am improving even if its little, I am working on my mini goals for the week. I have to write out weekly goals and email my therapist. This is good because my goals are achievable and once done I can tick them off.

Thank you Tony for being my friend, I don't have many friends that truly understand what I am going through. I have 3 friends that know of my issues but I can't talk to them like I do to you or the others on here.

So thank you so much, I always look forward to reading your replies.

Have a nice day

your friend Jo xx

Depressed about stuffing up again

Jo3 — Sun, 28 Sep 2014 03:56:43 GMT

Hey Dennis

I am so hard on myself. I find it very difficult when I make mistakes because of this right/wrong good/bad thing going on in my head. I will discuss this with my therapist and pyschiatrist.

Thanks Dennis, greatly appreciated

Depressed about stuffing up again

white knight — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 00:28:17 GMT

Hi Jo,

I dont know about women but with men one of the comments aimed at us that makes me angry is "grow up". At 58yo I'm tired of this. And it happens in group situations. Somebody takes a dislike to you and judges your behaviour then bamm, that comment comes.

I cant ever recall my father being told to 'grow up'. Nor any other adult. But I assume this tag is placed on people that often have mental illness. Did something not develop when we were kids?

I've always known I lack something I call "street wisdom". Regardless of my security background I never did catch up on that aspect of my ability. Is this one major aspect of why we are here together? talking and communicating together because we make allowances for areas where we are deficient?

And thats what I intended with my post Jo. Firstly I had had a bad day myself which changed my mood. Secondly I think, what do we do about this seemingly immature behaviour that we get out of control with ?

There is only two answers tot his. Acceptance and progress.

Acceptance- that we ourselves accept that we missed vital areas of our development when we were children and TOO BAD for everyone else out there that judges us poorly for not fitting into the mainstream of "normality". Tough luck for them. We will no longer place a strain on our lives by listening to these naive and nasty Gods and Godesses that parade watching us ready to pounce at any given opportunity they deem fit. We will stand tall and be proud as we have battled internal demons that are not easy to deal with. We will be prouder still of our partners that have endured extra burden by looking after our welfare. We will ....relax with the knowledge that we are "normal" for us, natural, this is how we received the cards of life- it wasnt our fault or intention we ended up this way and its NO BIG DEAL.

And then there's progress. Well we have progressed simply by being here on this forum or visiting our GP or medical professionals.

Hop you enjoyed your beach walk Jo.