topic Oh so tired in Depression

Oh so tired

bman42 — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 08:26:15 GMT

Hi all.Just decided to join this forum as I have no one to talk to and just needed somewhere to rant where people might understand.

I am in my 40's and have had SA all my adult life and also in and out depression a lot of that time,i have never seen anyone about it as I am still physically able to work and survive and have been brought up to not to complain and every time I think about getting treatment I think to myself i'm just being weak and to suck it up and get on with it.

I managed to have a relationship for 5 years but my condition eventually destroyed that.I have never told anyone about my condition,even my ex.I'm too embarassed to tell anyone.Anyway that was 18 months ago,we are selling the house we bought soon and I have no idea where to go or what to do.I am so sick and tired of starting again and having no direction in my life,would have thought that being in 40's I would have some direction and stability in my life.I really cant decide what to do and feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders when I shouldn't as I know there is a lot of other people out there that are worse of than me.I have very little motivation in doing anything even cooking dinner at night is a struggle and I really don't know what makes me happy anymore....Just so tired of living this lonely,boring,meaningless life.I am not thinking of suicide but struggling to find some meaning in my life

Well thankyou for letting me let of steam and am VERY sorry for my poor grammar!!!

Oh so tired

S_A_D_ — Sat, 29 Jun 2013 19:43:06 GMT

I am deducing from context that SA refers to social anxiety. I have this as well, and it's mostly caused by the stigma associated with failure. I have since learned that the only path to success is through failure, which makes failure a lot less scary. Even the people who seem to get everything right first crack have failed before, which may have been in private, and probably a lot more than once or twice.

There are not some people who fail more often than others. This is another myth. There are people who are taught how to do things effectively by good teachers, and there are people who had no teacher or crap teachers. My teachers, when it came to learning how to behave in social situations, knew less then than I know now, and that's really saying something. There are no bad students, only bad teachers, and those teachers are bad because they had bad teachers. No one is really at fault here.

If you want to overcome your social anxiety, find a good teacher and learn from them. Be patient. Learning takes time. Eventually, if your teacher is good, you'll have friends begging to hang out with you, and fighting them off with a 10 foot pole.

A good place to start is with a psychologist. This is one of our areas of speciality. There is no shame in looking for a teacher, and in many ways that is what a psychologist does most of the time. They are also trained to be a good friend, which you sound like you need.

Oh so tired

The_Real_David_Charles — Sun, 30 Jun 2013 10:31:59 GMT

Dear bman,

Thanks for getting it together and posting. Welcome to Beyondblue. Maybe not getting help so as not to appear weak is a common thing with depression. Not telling friends. Family a big no-no. Boy, that kind of puts all the emphasis back on you.

Sometimes a big leap of faith is better than hiding in the corner. Unfortunately depression can come back and wreck even the most well planned lifestyle. If you had some counselling you might be able to get on top of things BEFORE this happens or at least identify the triggers. It's really up to you. I guess moving on with relationships, houses, plans is a bit self defeating if you are also taking an unresolved and unspoken condition like depression with you.

My understanding of your post is that you haven't looked for help and even in this post you are apologising for grammar ! I mean, why feel so lacking in confidence ? A site like Beyondblue doesn't give a monkeys about grammar, just that you feel comfortable to respond or ask questions. Why not go the extra distance and sort out some kind of professional help ? A GP can orgnanise 10 visits to a psychologist or counsellor FOR FREE ! Just ask for a Mental Health Plan, tick the boxes and give your life "some meaning".

A partner of 5 yrs probably deserves a bit more honesty. Who knows ? That person might have been suffering depression too ? I mean, the most important thing in a relationship has got to be communication. And donuts.

Adios, David.

Oh so tired

bman42 — Mon, 01 Jul 2013 11:27:08 GMT

Thankyou David and Facetious for your responses. You are both right and its time I sucked it up and did something about it. On my good days I wonder if I actually do need help but the bad days are becoming more frequent

Just a bit worried that when I go to a gp I wont be able to get out all the feelings and thoughts that race through my mind constantly. Every time I do try to explain my thoughts or feelings it comes out as a jumbled mess or my mind just goes blank and I start to get embarrassed and just shut down,it happens all the time in a social setting

Anyway thanks again guys as I really do need to do this as I seem to be getting depressed more often lately

p.s- I couldn't tell my ex partner as she had a bit of a submissive personality and expected me to be the rock and make all of the decisions which became very tiring in the end but yeah maybe I should have been a bit more honest in that way

Oh so tired

S_A_D_ — Tue, 02 Jul 2013 12:36:18 GMT

transfer this to a word processor and print it out. When you see your GP, show them this first, and he will know to go slow, keep you calm, be patient with you, etc.

Your second paragraph above:

Just a bit worried that when I go to a GP I wont be able to get out all the feelings and thoughts that race through my mind constantly. Every time I do try to explain my thoughts or feelings it comes out as a jumbled mess or my mind just goes blank and I start to get embarrassed and just shut down, it happens all the time in a social setting

Every time I go to see my GP or Psychologist, I am prepared. Sometimes I've got a stack of papers to refer to, and copies to leave with him for his reference, long term records, consultations between doctors, etc. It can be hard being a doctor. As a patient I try to make it as easy for them as possible to help me.

Help them help us.

Oh so tired

bman42 — Wed, 03 Jul 2013 08:06:35 GMT

Thanks for the advice Facetious

I will keep this in mind when I see my GP tomorrow but I don't have a printer so will just explain this to them straight up

Thanks again,your help has been the boost I needed to take that 1st step

Oh so tired

geoff — Thu, 04 Jul 2013 00:26:42 GMT

dear Bman42, OK some days are good and some are terrible, it's the latter that you have to concentrate on, because these days will become more frequent, and that's what you have to worry about.

What you should try and do is to sit down and write down all these thoughts that are concerning yourself, and this may take a few days to achieve this, so when you go and see your doctor all you have to do is hand these documents over to them.

They will quickly scale through your notes and then come to a conclusion, and it won't take them long to diagnose your illness, and then proceed from there.

You could also print out comments made by us, plus the postings that you have made.

It's a good idea to tell your partner if you are suffering from depression, otherwise they wonder why your personality has suddenly changed, and maybe think of another cause. Geoff.

Oh so tired

bman42 — Thu, 04 Jul 2013 08:50:05 GMT

Well just been to see my GP and she was so nice and kept thanking me for coming in! Pity she is leaving there soon as I felt so comfortable with her. Anyway she put me on the mental health plan so now its just up to me to ring the psychologist

Thankyou ALL for your help and support as I probably wouldn't have done this otherwise. Hopefully this is the start to a better life,fingers crossed.

Oh so tired

S_A_D_ — Thu, 04 Jul 2013 10:20:53 GMT

I am one of the many contributors here to the Beyond Blue forums, and this arena is not designed exclusively for the exchange of advice. This is a support network for people with mental illness to come together and help each other for the long term. One of my goals here is to help people gain the confidence to do as you have done and talk to their GP about mental health, but it doesn't end there. This is about long term support. If your willing to continue discussing these issues with us, we will be here helping each other, hopefully forever.

It does not surprise me that you don't own a printer. Most people don't. I don't. Before I became a university student, with printers in the campus library to use, I would go to public libraries and internet cafes to print out documents I had prepared on my computer earlier, and copied over to a USB thumb drive. I can take as little as 2 minutes to log on, print, and log off, so any charges associated with using the computer are drastically minimised, and if you don't need to look at it one last time before printing some internet cafes will only charge for the paper, usually 20 cents per page. Getting time on a computer in a public library is usually free, with the same rate of charge for printed pages. If you use a small enough font, like 8pt, and refrain from using big headings, you can fit a lot of words onto a single page of text which will help your GP and psychologist help you.

Oh so tired

mandyjk — Fri, 05 Jul 2013 01:16:41 GMT

Hi. Crossing your fingers has nothing to do with anything. you have made the first step and you will do fine. You have just begun the journey to your better life. congratulations bman42.

Oh so tired

bman42 — Fri, 05 Jul 2013 07:32:23 GMT

Thankyou mandyjk. After the past couple of hours I realise I have a very long journey in front of me. I really do appreciate your response as it has calmed me down slightly

Oh so tired

bman42 — Fri, 05 Jul 2013 08:30:05 GMT

Facetious

I read your reply an hour or 2 ago and I just want to share what my reaction was and how my f*cked up mind works

I just want to state that this is how I reacted to such a simple statement by someone I don't know and not blaming you for your statement but blaming myself for the way I reacted over it(hopefully that makes sense)

This is how 90% of me wants to reply to you-

"This was just a simple post to show my appreciation to ALL who replied to me. Even a simpleton like myself knows you are not the only person to contribute on here. This is why I thanked ALL.... I know this board is for advice and SUPPORT and that is why I stated that in my post.... Your post has turned my positive mood into one of anger and negativity in 2 seconds and has me in a mood of depression once again. All I tried to do is thank all of you and you have turned it around to say I was wrong for posting my thanks"

I now have spiralled into a state of self hating,anger,sadness,ect. Why do I do this over such simple and innocent things. I feel over my adult years I have turned into this spiteful ogre that is just full of hate and anger. I loath myself. I am ugly on the inside. I don't know who I am anymore and it just makes me cry. I feel this disease has become me and how can I fix something that is so deeply trenched in me that I have become it???? I know there is a loving beautiful side to me but it is so deep down now I am unsure if I am able to rescue it. Do I let myself become in this state because deep down that is what I want? I just don't know anymore.... I have a long journey in front of me and one i'm not sure I can win but what option do I have but to at least try....

Again I want to make this clear that this is not a response to you facetious but the stupid ,way over the top over reaction my f*cked up mind has to such simple things. Probably the most stupid thing is that I know I am over reacting at the time but cant help myself but spiral into the darkness. I really wish my mind had an off switch

Just read over what I have just typed and this is truly the words of a crazy man

I don't think i'm helping anyone by being on here including myself

Now for the days of analysing and beating myself up for what I just wrote

Oh so tired

S_A_D_ — Fri, 05 Jul 2013 09:44:19 GMT

Bman,

that was very impressive. As I write this I feel like I'm still in a state of awe. Allow me to explain.

I do this myself regularly. These thought patterns you describe are far to common for me. Deep down I know they are hurtful exaggerations, but I can't help myself. I need to release these emotions, and I know no other way. I don't actually WANT to hurt anyone in the process, but it's so much easier to direct my feelings at someone or something specific that I believe has wronged me in some way, and unleash everything I have at them until I calm down. This is an aspect of my illness callled rage, and can be read up on via ManTherapy.

If you believe this is something you might have, your psychologist can help more than anyone. Rage is about repressed anger and psychosocial health, specifically emotional expression. I was not allowed to express my emotions growing up, so I never developed the ability to control them, or myself.

The reason I am so impressed is that in your post you have openly admitted to these feelings, and further more the admission comes in the same post as the outburst of rage. When I am enraged it's a bit like my emotions have control, and I'm watching myself behaving badly. Sometimes I can wrestle control away from the beast, but by that time I often feel so ashamed of what the beast has done I can't admit it. It also contributes to my anxiety, because in western culture punishment is believed to be the most effective form of behavioural control, and I fear the receiving of punishment for things the beast did through me.

You are a wise and honest person, and I consider you a role model. I have a lot more experience at managing my condition, and yet somehow you are better at self control than I am. Apparently education and experience isn't everything.

Will you teach me how you do whatever it is that you do to write messages like the one above?

Oh so tired

geoff — Fri, 05 Jul 2013 19:01:40 GMT

dear Bman42, I understand how upset you are that your GP is leaving, it seems to create a back a step.

I feel exactly the same way as my psychologist I have seen for 20 odd years has left, and I can't seem to adjust with anyone else.

I've tried with a couple of other psychologists, but it's not the same, I just wish that she hadn't left.

People said to me 'what are you still seeing Sue, she obviously hasn't 'fixed' you', the answer to that question was that I could just go in and talk to her, and if there was something niggling me then we would talk about it.

When you say ' let myself become in this state because deep down that is what I want', isn't fair for yourself, give yourself some credit, you deserve it, you need a compliment to encourage yourself to try and continue, and you will, I know you will, I can read this from your comments and replies.

I just want you to remember that on our journey to any sort of recovery it's not like flicking a switch, in other words it doesn't happen instantaneously, it can be a struggle and there maybe relapses.

If we have 2 or 3 good days but then suddenly a bad day comes along, don't take this as feeling your back with depression, it's just a hiccup, and it may happen a few times.

I have confidence in you, OK, and take care. Geoff.

Oh so tired

bman42 — Sat, 06 Jul 2013 11:22:35 GMT

Facetious

Hahaha, I've been called a lot of things in my time but being called a role model is definitely a first! I applaud you for your response as it says a lot about your maturity and character. I doubt very much I could have replied like you did after trying to help someone out and I am very relieved you did. Just like you the last thing I want to do is hurt someone especially someone on here. I still feel like a bit of a twat for typing that but your understanding really turned my mood and my day right around. Thankyou....

We seem to a few things in common such as being brought up not discussing or showing emotions, social anxiety and 'the beast'. The beast is always there in me and every day I battle it in my mind. Some days I cant help myself but let a little bit of it out but I think you have just as much self control as I do as just like me you do not want to hurt people intentionally. Although the amount of rage I feel inside me so often will take its toll on me one day.

Will try and bring this thread to an end now as I think it has served its purpose and has helped me in ways you can not imagine....Plus I hate talking about myself!

Bman

p.s- somehow I don't think you need my advice in writing messages, I admire how articulated you and others are on here

Oh so tired

bman42 — Sat, 06 Jul 2013 11:45:34 GMT

Dear Geoff

Thankyou for your reply. After my 'rage' post I thought no one would reply to me let alone support and encourage me. You seem like a wonderful person and for you to reply the way you do to so many people while going through your own battles inspires me. Plus your photo with your two dogs always puts a smile on my face!

I hardly ever go to a GP so it was the first time I had seen this doctor which made it even more surprising I was so comfortable with her. Hopefully the psychologist she recommended is the same

After reading a lot of posts on here I now realise there is no quick fix and probably something I will have to manage for the rest of my life but with therapy hopefully I will learn tools to make my life better. But after conversing with people like you I have a new found hope for a better life. Thankyou geoff

Bman