topic My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions in Anxiety

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

puggywug — Sun, 19 Dec 2021 08:32:49 GMT

Hi everyone, I plan to use this thread to share and update my ongoing anxiety story so feel free to come along for the ride!

Childhood

My first encounter with anxiety was during primary school. Every night, I would have this feeling in my stomach which ate me up. I would describe the feeling as similar to if you went to the airport and suddenly realised you forgot your passport. However, instead of going away, that feeling of your stomach dropping stayed with me forever. At the time, I would constantly think someone was coming to harm me. Fuelled by this thought, I would check the door was locked 10 times per night. I opened up to my parents about it at the time, however being raised in an Asian household where mental health is rather taboo, they dismissed my feelings. During my 6 years of primary school, every night I was terrified of sleeping because I knew that I would feel that dreaded feeling of foreboding doom.

Highschool

I went to a very competitive selective high school. Because of the overwhelming focus on academics coupled with adjusting to high school culture, I buried my anxiety under all my other stresses at the time which was not a good move.

Present Day

Currently, I am attending university. Because I never negotiated with my feelings for 10 years, I exploded and had a full blown panic attack 6 weeks ago and had to call the ambulance. It was the scariest thing I have experienced in my life. Since then, I have had 5 psych sessions. Now, when I feel my stomach drop or pressure in my chest, I am able to tell myself that it is anxiety. Putting a name to the emotions I have been feeling for ages is so empowering. Whenever I feel anxious now, I am able to not let it escalate to a panic attack.

However, what I am struggling with now is that when I do feel anxious, I end up hyper fixating on those emotions and I can't stop thinking about them for the whole day which can be super debilitating. My mind struggles to live in the present, and I find myself just constantly fixating on my physical symptoms even after the stressful event is over. I would love any advice on how to recognize your anxiety, embrace the feelings which come with it and move on because constantly thinking about it has begun to negatively affect my social life :c

Thanks for listening and any advice is more than welcome. I am also happy to expand upon anything as I had to skip a lot due to the short word limit. Remember that there is truly so much in this world to live for 🙂

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

james1 — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 01:41:39 GMT

Hey puggywug,

Thanks for your post! It's really interesting to hear your story and, as you probably know, we get a lot of readers who don't post so I am sure your story will reach and touch a lot of others too.

I'm sorry to hear you had to call the ambulance, but I'm glad you've been able to finally find a safe way to learn how to manage your anxiety. It sounds like you've learnt some skills which you hadn't had to chance to before, and you are feeling relatively good about having those skills under your belt now.

I understand what you mean about hyper fixating on emotions and how debilitating that can be. When I had a bad period of depression, I also learnt some things including how to recognise early warning signals. A really good skill to have, but also terrifying. I posted here once or twice about that fear of "it" happening again - "it" being depression. I think posting about it is really helpful, as is telling friends or family about what is happening. In my own experience, voicing my feelings and worries made it real, but also made it tangible and importantly, limited. It was no longer this giant thing I had to carry around alone, but it had a name, and I knew it was temporary.

Your experience may be a different, and you may need different strategies, but I think the fixating is a very normal thing that happens once we learn how to recognise the early warning signs. The next stage, as you're going through now, is to find out to manage this. Have you been working on it with your psych, or have you found any strategies that work?

James

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

Petal22 — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 13:40:11 GMT

Hi puggywug,

Wellcome to our forums!

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Im sorry you experienced a panic attack I understand this can feel very scary.

Im sorry you are fixating on your symptoms, when you notice your self doing this can you gently bring your attention onto something in the present moment? It takes practice…..

Or for example when you are washing the dishes you can practice attention training ..how does the water feel? What can you hear? What can you smell?

Have you ever tried meditation? I found this to be incredibly beneficial.. it can teach us that we are not our thoughts but the watcher of our thoughts.

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

geoff — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 14:02:09 GMT

Hello Puggywug, you need to understand that there are many different triggers that can bring on anxiety with the same result happening, however, you may be able to narrow them down to three or four, but each trigger may also happen in a different situation and perhaps it's getting to know what these triggers are and then try and eliminate them when you're able to.

Take care.

Geoff.

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

bluemoonbluesky — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 20:14:27 GMT

Your post really resonated with me, we have many similar experiences. Growing up, I didn't even think about anxiety, but having arrived at the journey now and looking back, I can see that a lot of things built up and up. Until one day, like you, they manifested into a massive panic attack and I was shaking dialling an Uber to take me to the ER. I honestly thought I was going to die. It wasn't until I had a few more panic attacks and took myself to hospital time and time again, that I realised this was ridiculous and had to take control.

I had no idea about physical manifestations of anxiety. The mystery chest pains were the worst for me. I did medical tests, went to a psychologist, and tried to make changes in life. My life was different. I couldn't socialise well anymore, I would get occasional crippling dizziness, I would go to parties and think of a way out, I couldn't enjoy food or drink. I had so many bizarre symptoms it was incredible. For a few weeks, my right hand twitched. For another few weeks, cripping brain fog. Then random spasms or sharp pains. Horrific depersonalisation. I remember cooking dinner one night and feeling that I wasn't there at all. And so on.

It probably took me at least a year and a half to accept my anxiety and face it, and then COVID and lockdowns came. The lockdowns were incredibly, incredibly difficult. I cannot underestimate how hard it was lying on my sofa under a curfew, with chest pains and shaking, unable to take my nightly walk that would calm me down. Thank god, all I can say, for a late night radio program, one particular friend for the nightly calls, and video games to distract me. I ended up seeing a chiro, a bit unorthodox, but he changed my thinking about my body, and I downloaded an app called DARE that was (still is) a godsend. During the day, it was the walks and podcasts.

Somehow, I found a way out. Whilst I wouldn't say I am recovered, I accept anxiety and feel like 'myself' again. I don't feel like I'm a different person, in fact in many ways I feel like a better, more empathetic person after this experience.

I wish you luck and look forward to hearing more about your story!

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

puggywug — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 00:09:46 GMT

Hi James, thank you so much for responding 🙂

I totally get what u mean when u say u were scared of 'it' happening again as that is the stage where I am at as well. I basically worry about feeling my anxiety symptoms which leads to me not being able to be fully present in whatever I am doing (eating out, watching movies, social gatherings etc). My psych and I have been working on slowing down my breathing as well as focusing. I have also begun to take a journal for my anxiety to track its patterns.

I would say that slowing down my breathing and focusing have been moderately effective in managing my anxiety. When I experience my warning signs, utilising the aforementioned strategies help me to not let it escalate to a panic attack. However, it does not get rid of the physical symptoms completely. I believe because I don't have full control over the symptoms, that is why I subconsciously fixate on them so much.

One strategy that completely calms me down is to talk to someone. However, I can't always rely on talking to someone to help ease my physical symptoms. This is the point where I am at right now, and I will continue to try more strategies until I find the one that works for me. As you said that you went through a similar phase of hyper fixating on your symptoms, I was wondering what steps you took to actually break that cycle and really live in the present.

Wishing you a lovely day of happiness 🙂

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

puggywug — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 00:21:16 GMT

Hi Petal22, thank you for the warm welcome!

Yes, I have been practicing focusing my attention onto certain sensations (touch, smell, hearing, sight etc) in order to bring me back to the present. However, I find this rather difficult to do as my mind keeps wandering off to fixate upon my physical symptoms.

As for meditation, I have never tried it and don't know anything about it. It seemed super beneficial to you which is amazing and I am super happy that you were able to integrate something that worked so well for you. With that being said, I was wondering if you could tell me more about your experiences with focusing and meditation. I would love to hear about how you started meditating, your struggles, any apps you used, the benefits because I really want to give it a go too.

Wishing you all the best 🙂

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

puggywug — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 00:34:13 GMT

Hi Bluemoonbluesky, thanks for reaching out!

Crazy that we have such similar journeys. That just reaffirms that we are not alone in our journey to understanding our anxiety better. I can totally resonate with your fear during the panic attacks. When I had mine, I genuinely thought I was having a stroke because I never even knew that anxiety could manifest physical symptoms. I also had mystery chest pains especially during primary school and high school. Because of this, I constantly went to the doctor but they always told me nothing was wrong with me ahaha. This is how I became a hypochondriac unfortunately :c

It definitely is tough to not be able to do all of the things you once did because of your hyper awareness of your chest pains and other accompanying symptoms. I totally feel for that. Just last week, I went to watch a movie with my family and I had to step out because the anxiety symptoms were just too much so don't worry you are not alone 🙂

Funnily enough video games also really distract me from my physical symptoms and take me into the present. I would love to hear more about your own experience with how you were able to move past hyper fixating on your debilitating symptoms. You mentioned an app called 'DARE', I was wondering what it was, how you used it, the benefits, the struggles?

I am so happy for you for finding a way out. It must have been so tough but you made it so you should definitely feel super proud of yourself. Now, I guess it is my turn to follow in your footsteps ahaha. All in all, it was super comforting reading your words and knowing that I am not alone in this journey. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope we can continue this conversation 🙂

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

Petal22 — Thu, 23 Dec 2021 09:21:21 GMT

Hi puggywug,

Sorry for the late reply..

Thats great that you have been practicing putting your attention on certain sensations to help you to come back to the present moment……. Keep practicing…. I understand your attention wonders back to your sensations but you need to become aware when this is happening and bring your attention back to something in the present moment. It takes practice but it’s well worth the practice.. this my strengthen your attention our attention is like a muscle and it needs exercise.

I started doing meditation as part of my OCD therapy……… i did a guided meditation… it’s great I can now sit back and observe my thoughts and not get caught up in them.

Look for a meditation that’s guided for learning to watch your thoughts and keep practicing it…. The results are amazing it just takes practice…

My lived experience was OCD it was a very challenging disorder to have I was always in my head and I was stuck in a vicious cycle.

After doing the therapy I did I was able to master my OCD.

I wish you all the best 😊

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

james1 — Thu, 30 Dec 2021 15:12:46 GMT

Hey puggywug,

Sorry I didn't get to come back to you earlier. I was in Canberra for a bit.

To your question about how I stopped fixating on my symptoms and lived more in the present, I am not sure it was any single thing. I think it is certainly very healthy to be concerned about your mental health and where it is trending, while also making sure you are staying helpfully realistic.

One great thing it sounds like you're doing already is talking to people. That is a really fantastic way to both acknowledge and accept that it's totally normal to be worried, while also getting another person's view. I also found just speaking out aloud to myself helpful for getting out of my head. I guess it made the problem sizeable somehow, once it was out in the real world and not just in my head. But, otherwise, it was just distraction distraction distraction. I think my general approach was to learn how to accept that my mental health would go up and down and I would be okay through this, but to just distract until I got more and more used to it.

It sounds like that is somewhat similar to what you are doing?

James

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

jemma09 — Tue, 04 Jan 2022 08:43:50 GMT

Hi puggywug

I enjoyed reading your post and how you organised your thoughts into your journeys through childhood, high school and the present.

It can be very freeing to understand what is happening when we have anxiety. I understand going through not addressing or negotiating with your feelings, I went through that also and kept a lot of my struggles hidden until I couldn't anymore and just broke down in the doctor's office.

That is wonderful that you can identify your emotions and anxiety to manage it, good on you! Hyper-fixation is difficult to go through. I think it's easy to get stuck into a loop of anxiety and the feelings around it - trying to find a way to just let go of those focuses feels impossible at times.

My advice would be, to keep up with your psych sessions and express this struggle in those sessions. This can be very useful and they may be able to give you some tips!

Other ways to break the cycle of being hyper focused, try doing something soothing. What is your favourite hobby, interest, activity? Something that you can keep your focus on instead - maybe it's reading, art, video games, exercise, anything! I know for me, pulling myself out of my headspace and refocusing my thoughts onto something else is very useful. If you find yourself darting back to this hyper-fixation, be gentle and kind to yourself and re-orientate your thoughts to your activity.

Some people find meditation very useful as it can help us recognise when these thoughts pop up, there are lots of guided ones on YouTube for example that are so so good! I've also heard of this idea called a 'calm box' ... I still need to make myself one. So in this box you add all of your favourite things or things that make you feel peaceful or calm. It could be things like: essential oils, meditations, books, inspiring words, photos, DVDs, a list of your favourite songs, ornaments or toys, etc.

For me, even today coming on this forum and responding to others' posts... giving advice and support has lifted me from the negative space I was in. And I am very grateful to communicate with people here. So for me, helping others assists me in feeling positive and good too! Volunteering can also be a good avenue for this if you enjoy things like that.

All the best and take care! 🙂

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

JonA — Tue, 18 Jan 2022 14:21:30 GMT

Your post really struck with me and can relate.

Anxiety seems to run in the family for me - I ended up spending nearly a week in the cardiovascular unit as my panic attacks resulted in fainting (repetitively). It was never discussed and for us it was empowering to share and bought our family closer than ever.

I ended up getting agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) a few months later not addressing the issue as seriouly as I should have and had a very difficult few months. It sounds like you are well on your way to seeking help - well done!

What really helped for me was ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) to get an approach to understanding these feelings as they arise, and to sit and watch them pass, almost observing passively. I still fail, but get more confident each time I push myself through the tough fight or flight responses, and focus on types of CBT (cognitive based therapy - usually in self help books) talking kind to myself (I even write it down like a letter being positive and kind about my experience and progress). Maybe something to research or discuss with your therapist.

I found meditation good also - especially to reduce overall stress and gain perspective to start to make the changes.

I am sure you will find a way that suits you through the hypersensitivity, keep going, and be kind to yourself. You are doing great!

Jon

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

puggywug — Wed, 16 Feb 2022 06:15:28 GMT

Hi everyone, hope you are all doing wonderfully!

I think one issue with these forums is that sometimes people post when they are down, but once they are getting better they forget about letting everyone know. Following up with your posts makes it so that those who are going through similar things will feel like they have hope themselves to get better so that's why I am updating my mental health journey 🙂

So, to recap my late December to early January months. I was truly in a very bad place. My psychologist and I did not click very well and I did not see a lot of progress leading me to develop agoraphobia. This stopped me from really going anywhere because I was really scared that I was going to panic there and that I would not be able to control it. Because of this, I stayed at home all day, constantly focusing on my breathing and I stopped doing all of the things that I actually enjoyed doing before I had my panic attacks. I replaced those activities with things I thought would benefit my mental health such as excessively reading up on anxiety or excessively practicing meditation. This only gave fuel to my worries.

Because of my agoraphobia, I would struggle to not feel anxious when going to the post office per say or to dinner. I felt like less of a person because I couldn't do the same things that I used to. My relationships with those close to me also deteriorated because I was so distant and trapped in this cycle.

I started seeing a new psych in mid January and this was such a big turning point for me. She told me about 'worried voice', 'false comfort' and 'wise mind'. Being able to label when I was using worried voice or false comfort and then applying wise mind helped me tremendously. She also told me about the importance of exercise. I started going to the gym and exposing myself to situations that made me anxious. The more I did that, the better I got and now my life is almost back to completely normal just like how it was before my panic attacks. My relationships are wonderful and I would say that if you are feeling down, try your best to continue to do the things that you loved doing. I am in such a better place currently, obviously I am not a hundred percent better and if I see or feel something weird then I will worry about it sometimes but those worried moments are happening so much less.

For anyone that is struggling with health anxiety just remember that it will get better!

If anyone wants to have a further chat please reach out.

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

geoff — Wed, 16 Feb 2022 16:49:15 GMT

Hello Puggywug, I agree with you 'people post when they are down, but once they are getting better they forget about letting everyone know', yet I can understand them doing this, finally being able to find some freedom at last after being locked down in a condition they never wanted, so I can appreciate them doing this, however, for the people who just read these threads and not ask a question, it's good if they could reply back, even if it's a short comment, that may be able to help those going this themselves.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

blueskiesfreshair — Wed, 16 Feb 2022 20:02:41 GMT

Thanks for sharing, puggywug. It was so uplifting and pleasing to hear you're doing so much better now.

My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

james1 — Sat, 19 Feb 2022 12:16:47 GMT

Hey puggywug,

Thanks for the update and I'm really glad to hear you found a new psych who has been really helpful. I also found the concept of wise mind really practical, and still use it 4 or 5 years on.

James