topic wrong place, wrong time in Anxiety

wrong place, wrong time

Guest_3712 — Sun, 30 Mar 2014 22:19:12 GMT

hey friends,

so confused just posted on anxiety forum should have been here, but then again I am now so anxious that I did it wrong.............

having a bad day, week, month

need to see psych but too embarrassed to go

such a loser, can't even achieve the goals we set last time, and then make matters worse with new anxiety trait

trying to breathe

it's a beautiful day here but my mood makes it cloudy and dull

Stressless

wrong place, wrong time

Neil_1 — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 01:59:01 GMT

Hi Stressless

Take a deep breathe and hold .... and then let out. 4 or 5 of those babies will be good for you ... if not, it was good for me. 🙂

It's a beautiful day ... are you able to get out for a walk or just take a coffee or cup of tea or water outside and sit somewhere in the sun. Check out some autumn tree colours doing their gorgeous changing act.

No no no ... you shouldn't feel embarassed to see your psych ... they're professionals; they'll understand. Hells bells, we are no professionals and you write stuff on here and no-one judges you here; we're in your corner all the way and we don''t want you to be embarassed, because there's nothing to be embarassed for.

Ok, you had some goals last time, but you weren't able to get them done. That's cool - that is no worries and if your psych tell you otherwise then you tell me and I'll go and see 'em!!!! I'll make them an offer they can't refuse!!

So deep breathes please - try and capture some beautiful 'tree/leaf' moments this arve and above all, try not stress about the goals thing. Stressless, please do your name. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Neil

ps: you are definitely NOT a loser.

wrong place, wrong time

Mares73 — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 03:14:39 GMT

Hey special one! You are having a really hard time & getting overwhelmed by anything & everything. I really feel for you as anxiety can be like being jailed in darkness with no light or escape routes. I know that trauma where you are so sick it's like being on the highest most dangerous skyscraper where your stomach is in knots, your body is rigid with fear but your mind is racing so fast that you can't keep up with the thoughts and you feel as though your going to stop breathing. It's absolute terror & sometimes I wonder if the anxiety causes or develops into depression as its such an awful experience. Stress less please go & see pyschiatrist? Please? Last thing you need is to feel ashamed-pyschiatrists have chosen to work with people with a mental illness-& they get paid very well for it so please remember that. Sorry-please remind me do you still have the same Psych or are you seeing a new one? And if you've read my latest post you'll know how much I can relate to self medicating. Your in my heart. Thinking of you, Love Mares xx

wrong place, wrong time

Guest_3712 — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 12:00:05 GMT

hey Mares,

hope you had a positive experience while you were away and thanks for replying.

I'm not sure what came first with me because until I had a breakdown and went into hospital I didn't even know I had depression and the anxiety I am feeling now is like nothing I have felt before.

I didn't see my psych because I got called in to work at the last moment. I was hoping he would ring me tonight ( he usually does if I cancel) but maybe he is finally sick of my crap.

I have had the same psych for 4 years. He was assigned to me in hospital and I have continued seeing him . I am ashamed that I never live up to peoples expectations- my psych included.

I desperately need praise and encouragement. My confidence and self esteem is still very low so it doesn't take much for me to drag myself along the ground.

thanks again

be kind to yourself

Stressless

wrong place, wrong time

Guest_3712 — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 12:09:48 GMT

hey Neil,

Sorry it's late but I have only just opened laptop

I was called into work at the last moment, so at least I had a legit reason for cancelling psych today.

I know what you are saying about it not being a big deal if I missed my goals and for most people I guess this is right, but for me I need to be able to measure my improvement and/ or success.

My psych wouldn't pressure me at all, I do that myself but for me it just means a another fail . I was supposed to try and cut back grog- fail, stop abusing meds- fail, and pin-point triggers- well......... I know my triggers but avoid warning signs so fail!!!

really regretting my name , as all I do IS Stress !

Take care Neil and thanks again

wrong place, wrong time

geoff — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 23:44:13 GMT

dear Stressless, one great problem when we have depression is keep saying to ourselves is that we are losers, that's part of the disease, we can never justify any good points, and even if this happens, we pick at some fault and build onto this to make it a much greater problem, but again that's part of having depression, and there is no way we will ever recover until we can talk our problems through within our own mind, and say this is bad stay away from it, or this is really good, so let's try and build up on this.

Depression is only ONE WAY and that's down, and even if we can find something positive, but then pick on it to find a small fault, and continually go searching until we finally have turned this good point into something really bad, then depression has won yet again.

When you have overcome this illness any bad thoughts are pushed aside, you can say to yourself 'so if I take decide to take that road I know what will happen to me, so forget about it because the good road is far much better, so I am not going to worry about it, because there are too many mouse traps and I would get caught'.

Stressless I would contact your psych, and you shouldn't feel embarrassed, that's their job and whatever you haven't been able to achieve, this is not a let down at all, it only means that you are not ready to do these things at the moment, because you can't do them when you are still depressed and anxious.

The only time these will happen is when your mind is clear and when you can focus on achieving them.

I couldn't cut back on my alcohol intake when I was still suffering, it was only when I could rationalise my thoughts, what's good and what's bad, so when this can happen then you are on the road to recovery, and because you can't do this now is of no fault from you, as it took me years to get there, after much heartbreak and sorrow.

These trigger spots are when you can not accept the good, because it's much easier to give in, whereas they tell me don't go that way, but you can only do this when you become a stronger person.

In a strange way it's like an apprentice learning the trade to become a plummer, he is thrown into the s-------t pit to dig a hole for his boss, and along the way he makes many mistakes, time after time, maybe everyday even on silly chores, and by the time he becomes qualified he has been back and forward and has to learn about all the flaws of being a plummer.

Depression is really no different, we have to learn what depression does to us, this may sound to be stupid or cruel, but when you think about it, it's no different or the analogy is basically the same.

Please keep posting we will get there, no matter how long it takes. L Geoff. xx

wrong place, wrong time

Jo3 — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 23:55:07 GMT

Hey Stressless,

I'm sorry i haven't replied earlier. You are not a loser. You are brave strong and courageous for coming on here and letting it all out.

Depression sucks big time but i think that with the right professional help and perserverance from us we will get there. How to do it - well I'm still working that out. You know when i read your posts you sound so much like me - always doubting myself, my self esteem zero, my confidence zero, never accept a compliment and always looking at the negative side.

It would be good stressless if you could go and see your psych, don't be ashamed or feel bad because that's there job, they are meant to help us.

I really don't know what else to say, not too great with words.

But remember I am thinking of you

Take care

Jo xx

wrong place, wrong time

Neil_1 — Tue, 01 Apr 2014 00:30:17 GMT

Hi Stressless,

Same person, just a different channel! 🙂 And I'll apologise now for my other post on the anxiety thread back to you ... cause I was banging on about how awesome you are at work (again) and I just realised I did something here as well earlier. I must get new material! 🙂

You've got some good people here in your corner with you and we just wanna sit in this corner with you and work through it.

As Geoff said, if you haven't completed those exercise things for your psych, it's just because you're not able to do that at the moment. Yes, I'm hearing that this is not ok for you - but I honestly think that it IS ok - gee, I'm sounding like a psych (and not a terribly good one) in that, at this current point in time you're not feeling like doing them or feeling able to do them.

Now they're still going to be there tomorrow and the next day, etc - and at some stage in the future you might find yourself thinking; "Ok, how about I tackle just one of those exercises today". Just one.

Just a thought,

Kind regards

Neil

wrong place, wrong time

Guest_3712 — Tue, 01 Apr 2014 02:15:56 GMT

Hey Geoff, Neil, Jo

Just wanted to let you know I have read your replies

thanks from the bottom of my heart, but I cannot absorb anything at the moment.

I am devastated my psych hasn't been in touch and can't think of anything else.

sorry I will re -read again as I do value your opinions

Stressless

wrong place, wrong time

Jo3 — Tue, 01 Apr 2014 03:42:54 GMT

Stressless - take your time, slow deep breaths. Stop,

I can sense you are going into panic mode - pls try and stop and take 4 or 5 slow deep breaths.

I am thinking of you and hope your psych gets back to you

Jo xx

wrong place, wrong time

Guest_3712 — Tue, 01 Apr 2014 05:18:11 GMT

hey Geoff,

my fingers are resting on the keys for so long as I try to make sense of my thoughts.

I know what I have to do, so why don't I do it.

If my finger was stuck in a food processor I would either take my finger out or turn it off - right? I would know to do something straight away or my finger would be mush.

So why can't I use this logic for my depression. ? I need to do something now , not next week, month , or year.

I read and re- read your post. I do get what my depression does to me in terms of emphasising the negative and playing down the positive. But knowing is one thing....

As far as contacting my psych, well I know I'm probably being childish but I can't bear the thought of ringing again, totally losing it and coming off like the freaking crazy person I think I am.

I am so worried about how I am perceived by anyone, including my psych - crazy ? Hell yes. I have been going to my psych for 4 years and I am still worried about what he thinks of me.

As you can see I should book myself into the nearest hospital as I am truly losing the plot, big time!

Thanks for your help Geoff, I hope you are doing ok. I worry that you and Neil don't get the support you need from the rest of us. When I see how many people you respond to I am in awe.

Please take care and

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

wrong place, wrong time

Guest_3712 — Tue, 01 Apr 2014 05:31:41 GMT

hey Neil,

sorry for confusion re posts so I will just answer here.

yes I know I am good at my job, but it is all an act. I am almost manic at work. I work full speed, ( given my chronic pain) it's not lightening fast but I don't stop. I have a very strong work ethic.

Without going into detail it was pretty much beaten into me as a kid. I helped in my fathers shop, and bludging wasn't an option.

The truth is this double life is incredibly tiring . I am superwoman at work, at home I am a shell. I have to talk to myself and convince myself each day to get up. I know you will say at least I get up and I guess it is. I remember when I couldn't.

Not sure what I want here. I am now questioning if in some warped sick way I keep myself like this so I can get the attention.

I have known depression free days, so why would I choose this nightmare?

As far as the goals I set with my psych go , they are not like " walk a mile today and then we'll try 2 miles next week" ( not that there is anything wrong with that, but I HAVE to ACHIEVE these things to survive- to live a depression free life.

If that isn't enough of a motive for me then I guess I am really damned to this hell on earth. Appreciate your thoughts and hope you are Ok

Like I said to Geoff I worry about you guys , giving , giving and more giving and maybe not getting enough back. So sorry if this is the case .

I do look for your comments and maybe that is selfish

Be kind to your self Neil

Stressless

wrong place, wrong time

Guest_3712 — Tue, 01 Apr 2014 05:44:34 GMT

Hey Jo,

thanks for reply. yes I have always said you, Mares and I share very similar stories.

My relationship with my psych is complex ( as I'm sure is everyone's)

I was lucky enough to be assigned to him on my first hospital admission. Prior to that I was seeing a psychologist only, who later dumped me because she didn't agree with my psych's use of medications . Ho Hum! a whole other story.

I need my psych's approval. I need to hear him tell me I am OK and doing a good job. He saw me at my absolute worst, he talked me out of hurting myself on many occasions but as you all have pointed out that is his job.

I remember one of Neil's posts saying how we somehow thought we were our psych's favourite, we were somehow the special one amongst their hundreds of patients.

How delusional am I to think I am any more important than any one else.?

Again I am forced through my stupidity to face the truth.

Jo , you are lucky to have this opportunity to go to hospital - yes lucky. You worry you won't be able to rant, believe me you should be given plenty of time to do that.

For security reasons I was unable to take laptop to hospital- limit any valuables you take too.

Appreciate your time and

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

wrong place, wrong time

Neil_1 — Wed, 02 Apr 2014 21:29:59 GMT

Dear Stressless

How have you been going over the last few days??

Any further appointments with any of your professionals. Have you been knocking them dead at work, just like you do each day?

Hey, I just want to reinforce something to you – I know you worry about this (because you mentioned it), but we here on Beyond Blue do NOT judge anyone Stressless. You know that and so you can come here and rant and rave and vent as much as you want – no skin off our nose (is that the right saying?) or just water off a duck’s back to us and might I say that for the professionals who are out there, they don’t judge either (well for the most part, I’m pretty sure that’s the way it is – and if it isn’t then those can be reported, etc). I don’t know if this eases your concerns about what you think your psych thinks about you, but I believe with all my soul that they do not think badly of you.

Can I just put you in the position of being a psych? And let’s say YOU come in to see ‘you’ – yes Neil’s being weird again, but bear with me (I’ve only just thought this scenario up but stay with me, cause I think it’s a goodie!), so there you are, telling your psych (which is YOU) all your troubles, stressors, concerns and how badly depression is affecting you. I bet you reach out to this person and hold their hand, put your arm around them and give them support – if they cry, you hand them a box of tissues, but at all times, you are leaning forward in your chair and are deeply concerned for this person – and when things calm down a bit, you then begin to talk very calmly and softly and give out a few pieces of advice and coping mechanisms to just tide you through for the next little while. You see, you didn’t judge yourself as being someone ‘weird’ or ‘crazy’ – you were professional, compassionate and supportive – as I believe your psych is. As we on this site are also.

Kind regards

Neil

wrong place, wrong time

geoff — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 00:08:22 GMT

dear Stressless, I really what Neil has said in his last post about an hour ago, and how true he is.

You do raise a very good point and this is an important one 'knowing is one thing but' is a question we always ask ourselves, so what it means is that now you understand the difference between being depressed and what maybe good for you and what's not.

This is different than when we are first faced with depression, because at this stage there is no distinguishing between either, it's all negative, and there is never any sign of happiness, so now it's a thought process, and whether our minds still think of depression and being at home under the doona can still be on our mind, but this thought change is, and believe me, a good thing, and it also means that eventually this good will prevail, not immediately but over some period, it's has to be a slow process, because we learn all sorts of problems that may still nag us.

I still see my psychologist as I did this morning, so it doesn't matter whether you feel as though you have overcome depression or not, it's someone to talk to, someone that wants to understand this terrible illness, and wants to know what makes us work.

He will raise a point as he still thinks that I suffer from PTSD from my head injury, maybe I am, maybe not, but we can discuss the topic and there will be ideas or thoughts that he will mention which we talk about or he wants me to think about.

It's not unreasonable to believe that we are our counsellors favourite, and why shouldn't we, because it's a one on one session, and they make us feel comfortable which they do to make us be honest and tell them what's bothering us, and it doesn't matter if you discuss the same topic over and over again, because he/she hasn't been able to instill these points across to us so we can accept them.

You need to have to confidence with whom ever you talk either professional or on this forum, so this means that you do trust what they say, and if something even small connects with you, then a connection has been made.

Look forward for your reply. L Geoff. xx

wrong place, wrong time

Guest_3712 — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 03:51:30 GMT

hey neil,

You and Geoff are amazing . I have been so fragile and out of it the last few days I haven't been up to posting, or even checking in very much and then when I do there you are. Thanks.

No I haven't seen my psych or spoke to him yet, I don't know if maybe he's testing me to see if I can cope or 'problem solve' on my own - who knows.

Yes I do get that all of my friends here don't judge and I am also sure ( almost ) that neither does my psych.

Neil loved your, ' I'm the psych' scenario and yes for the most part I was compassionate, sat forward in my chair, handed out tissues and said, "There there"

I must confess I did allow myself ( the psych me) some eye- rolling , discreetly of course, and I think there was a yawn or 2 , but hey I was the last appointment.

As I write the other side of my life has blown up in my face. Without going into details, I am one of 5 kids ( in the middle- yes I hear you say middle child syndrome) the psych me says nonsense it's a myth.

Any way back to the blow up, 12 months ago we had to make the agonising decision to have our mum put into care. Ever since there has been battles about power of attorney, etc etc. Not from us the kids, but one son- in law.

We have had mediations and so on . Long story short did the 'unthinkable' and rang Mum and said we need to talk as a family. ( we have not involved her in the nastiness) and I gave her a little insight of what is going on.

So right now I am public enemy no 1 to some of the clan. I am tired, emotional , anxious, and I have to work soon.

OMG you have no idea how cheered I was reading your post my friend. I will draw on the funny bits tonight to keep me grounded.

Again thanks my friend nd

Be kind to your self

Stressless ( don't see it happening)

wrong place, wrong time

Guest_3712 — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 04:00:05 GMT

Hey Geoff,

you are very insightful and I hadn't thought about my comment 'knowing is one thing' being a positive thing but yes I can see how knowing the difference is important.

As I said to Neil I was so pleased to see your reply and to know you were thinking of me was humbling as I really value your perspective on things, and yes I do trust you.

I also trust my psych but I am so all over the place at the moment I see conspiracy theories in everything ( see reply to Neil) . I have lost some momentum from my earlier highs of going back to work but the consistent positive feedback I get is keeping me on track.

I was sorely tempted to call in sick this week, something as an ex boss I used to hate ( last minute) , I even dialled the number but something got me over the line and off I went.

Speaking of which I am due to start shortly so I will read back on your response ( if quiet night) and try and apply some of your lessons to me.

Thanks for your time and friendship

Be kind to yourself

Stressless ( still trying to)