topic Owning my anxiety..... in Anxiety

Owning my anxiety.....

Heron — Mon, 27 Oct 2014 23:05:21 GMT

Heya

I have been surviving my own self pity for a while now. I'm closer to forty than I am thirty, and have been on a roller coaster of self help, counselors and life lessons. It has only been in the last year that I have officially been treated for anxiety. I'm an angry little camper at the moment and have a life time of explaining to do to the people closest to me. I'm ready to own this part of myself that has frustrated me for so long. Angry, angry, angry at my parents. .... That's another chapter. They are not what I need in my life right now, as their behavior is so dysfunctional it makes me crazy. They are still so determined to play happy families. ... I play along for the sake of my young child.

I'm lonely and tired of pretending that "everything is awesome". Where do I start? Slightly overwhelmed!!!

Comments welcome

Owning my anxiety.....

dougall — Tue, 28 Oct 2014 09:34:23 GMT

Hi Heron, glad to hear your thoughts. Have been through similar things and I am the other side of 50 so a little longer in the tooth. We all pretend sometimes and just wish that someone would be honest at least once. My way of coping with my parents was to move to Australia, not really it just happened that way. I found being that far away there was no family politics so I did not get involved in anything. They have not spoken to me for 13 years so i do not even know if there are alive. We can't all move to a different country to get away from the relatives. It is a catch twenty two if you distance yourself from those close to you when you need someone there is no one there. I really don't know what to suggest I just wanted you to know there are people listening and your not on your own.

Owning my anxiety.....

NicoleP — Tue, 28 Oct 2014 10:32:48 GMT

Hi Heron

i am 48 and have had parent issues all my life. At 41, after a huge disagreement, chose not to have anything to do with them. I have found it difficult to come to terms with.

over the past two days I have been at an ACT Conference and now am an expert on everything (only kidding). One thing that really rang true was when we talked about values. It may be that I value a loving relationship with my parents. I may also value my health and well being. So sometimes, one value overshadows another. My health is more important to me - but if by some miracle my parents were to change and become warm and accepting people, I would then welcome them back into my life. Does that make sense?

Kezza

Owning my anxiety.....

dougall — Tue, 28 Oct 2014 18:53:41 GMT

Hi Kezza I think I wanted the dream of the loving, caring, interested parents. You do not look at them as individuals but you mum and dad and since I have not seen my parents for many years I have come to realise like me they have their issues and have dealt with it the only way they have known how. Being a parent myself I have to remind my kids that I am more than just their mum and have problems coping sometimes also learning as I am going along. My daughter did say one thing which made me happy about my parenting, I did not think any of the things I taught them were being used, surprised me. I think if we change the way we look at our parents and see them as people with issues we cut them a little slack. A lot of people have not the strength to admit they are wrong, they would rather blame someone closest to them.

Owning my anxiety.....

Shell — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 00:25:06 GMT

Dear Heron I don't have a relationship with my parents I don't talk to my dad and my mum barely, she rings once a year at Christmas but not always. My childhood was a pretty horrible thing and I suffer with a lot of issues even now Im 46. Since playing along with the happy family game is hard and I can understand that trust me perhaps you could confront them face to face or an email or letter, let them know how you feel about the things they might have done or are doing and see how they react, just a suggestion I suppose its better than bottling it up.

Owning my anxiety.....

Jo3 — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 00:40:07 GMT

Hi Heron

I too don't have much to do with my parents. I am in my late 40's and four yrs ago my parents stopped talking to me after telling them I had memories of being abused as a child. They abandoned me for 4 yrs. Now we are talking again but it's not the same and it probably will never be the same. They struggle to understand depression, anxiety and childhood sexual abuse. I too was sick of playing "happy family" with everyone and now I think of myself, I put myself first before my parents where for 40 odd years I was putting my parents before me and my husband and our marriage and my life. With the help of my pysch I am trying to deal with this letting go and it's not easy but something I hopefully will learn to accept.

I too, dreamed about having a loving relationship with my parents especially my mum but this is not the case.

Maybe you can write a letter explaining how you feel - something I tried 4 yrs ago but it didn't work because the letter was sent back to me.

Hope you keep in touch here,

take care

Owning my anxiety.....

Heron — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 08:51:20 GMT

Hi Dougall

dougall said: I really don't know what to suggest I just wanted you to know there are people listening and your not on your own.

Thank you for your time and your comments.

I too yearn for a childhood of love with out condition. I did have a bit of distance between my parents and then they retired to the same town : /

Struggle vill....... While they all strive to keep up with the Jones, I'm happy to just wake up and be thankful for what I have.

Love and light to you and your family

Heron

Owning my anxiety.....

Heron — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 09:03:04 GMT

Heya Kezza

Thank you for your time and comments.

I do understand what you are saying and take on board (that you are very clever:-)) tehe..... that it is important to see clearly where your values lie. I still struggle with the emmeshment going on in my entire family. I seriously don't want anything to do with it. I do love my family very much. .... But the "playing off success" is just sickening. It even extends to my cousins. I've never fitted in and never wanted to, but they still manage to push my buttons. I'm guessing I may grow out of this.

Love and light to you and your family

Heron

Owning my anxiety.....

Heron — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 09:36:04 GMT

Heya Jo

Thank you for your time and comments.

Do you think it's important to be brutally truthful. ...I guess it is my opinion of how I see our relationship.

I have asked them for space and to not drop around when ever they want. They know I have struggled with mental health for a long time, but become completely hypochondriacs about it all. Either that or can't deal with it at all.

Sorry to hear of your struggles.

Love and light to you and your family

Heron

Owning my anxiety.....

Jo3 — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 09:43:39 GMT

Hi Heron

I don't know if being truthfully brutal with your parents will help. I was truthful to my parents but it didn't work. Even now since speaking again, I don't think they understand the full extent of my mental disorder. What I have done is not phone them so often, I have actually cut back as to how often I call them. It is hard because I still have the expectation of wanting and craving for a loving relationship but deep down I know that this will never happen.

All you can do is tell them you need your space or write them a letter and be brutally truthful. Whichever way you go it will still be very difficult.

Totally understand what you're going through, take care

Owning my anxiety.....

dougall — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 20:01:14 GMT

Hi Heron thank you for the love and light, the sun is just coming up and the light is pink. My day has started with a smile so hopefully yours will too.

Owning my anxiety.....

dougall — Sat, 01 Nov 2014 21:00:11 GMT

Hi Heron hope you are well and having a good day.

Owning my anxiety.....

geoff — Sat, 01 Nov 2014 22:50:07 GMT

dear Heron, thanks for your comment.

There is always a question 'why do people get angry', and there could be many reasons why, we disagree with what's been said, or a comment has been aimed at in a disparity way, or a way to offend us and the list goes on, but it's also the only way for those people to finally take note of what we have to say, otherwise it maybe ignored.

Being dominated for any reason by our parents is not a way for the child or children to expand their thinking, what it does is suppress our maturity, because we are never allowed to express our thoughts and when we do we could be punished either verbally or our privileges taken away from us which then makes us anger.

So their control over us would normally make them not believe in any type of depression that we may have, so we feel as though we are left on our own with no support, and if they continually call around to see us, it can be a real 'pain in the neck'.

So you have to set the rules, which they may not like, so what, they have to understand that that's what you want now, their days of domination are now over. Geoff.

Owning my anxiety.....

Jo3 — Sun, 02 Nov 2014 01:36:07 GMT

Hi Heron

Geoff has written a great post back to you. And I tend to agree with everything Geoff has said. I can relate so much of what Geoff is saying to my own situation with my parents when I was a child and even now.

We are adults now Heron, so we can make our own decisions for what WE WANT not them anymore.

It's time you enjoy your life for how you want it to be and not your parents.

Pls take care, I fully understand how hard this is for you.

Owning my anxiety.....

ALL — Mon, 03 Nov 2014 21:38:42 GMT

Hi Heron

Im going to start of by saying im young, so i dont have much experience but i can offer you what i know ( i hope it helps)

i have been having parent problems too, might be for the same or might be for a different reason. either way mine too play happy families and in my case ignore my anxiety. they are 'too busy for it'

i have found with this that people can be stubborn, and sometimes they arent going to understand. while you can always keep trying, they may neveer understand. so in that case, you have to keep going about things you way, keep talking, whether they listen or not. at least you are putting things out there and hopefully eventually they might 'get it'.

its also important that you take time for yourself!

in regards to being overwhelmed thats harder. its different for each person. when im overwhelemed all i can do is take time out. ffor you that might not be an option.

little things often help me calm down, even if i am still worried im not overwhelmed. it sounds weird, but i have thjis lip balm that instantly calms me down- dont know why it does. maybe try and fine your 'little relaxer'. ( not much help i know). Another numbing quick fix is a good cry, but quick fixes are what they are- short term.

i think that with you situation, it might be best to just try and choose one thing to focus on. push everything else aside and have a 'worry time' ( easier said than done).

either that or sit down, break everything down into little goals and tick them off when you have acieved it. the sense of self satisifaction is the best feeling. it might be things like 1- talk to my parents about... 2- if that doesnt work do...

again im sorry, im young and not very helpful. im overwhelmed at the moment too. i guess with anxiety overwhelming feelings are hard to control. just make sure you enjoy the good days, take in how they feel. the more you pay attention to them, the more the idea of 'bad days' will decrease and the better you will feel

i hope things are working out for you. Have a good day

ALL

Owning my anxiety.....

NicoleP — Mon, 03 Nov 2014 22:13:35 GMT

Hi ALL

You don't need to apologise for being young - your experiences and thoughts are valuable and we all appreciate you input.

Kezza

Owning my anxiety.....

Heron — Mon, 03 Nov 2014 22:38:16 GMT

Hi All

You should be very proud of your insights and empathy for others. Age is irrelevant and I really appreciate your comments.

Baby steps for this situation with my parents and family.

Love and light to you

Heron

Owning my anxiety.....

Heron — Mon, 03 Nov 2014 22:54:23 GMT

Hi Geoff

Thank you so much for your comments.

geoff said:

So their control over us would normally make them not believe in any type of depression that we may have, so we feel as though we are left on our own with no support, and if they continually call around to see us, it can be a real 'pain in the neck'.

So you have to set the rules, which they may not like, so what, they have to understand that that's what you want now, their days of domination are now over. Geoff.

... It's spot on. My "nature" doesn't fit into their ideal world. .... In saying that, Its not helpful to presume this is how they see me. It is only how it makes me feel. Communicating this to them is awkward. Finding the right words don't come easy.

Love and light

Heron

Owning my anxiety.....

ALL — Mon, 03 Nov 2014 22:56:32 GMT

Thanks Heron and Kezza

it means a lot to know that i can aleast support others in a similar situation. i hope things work out. keep me posted!

ALL