topic 10 years later in Anxiety

10 years later

Oddities — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 11:13:43 GMT

I've never been very good at talking about my feeling but here goes.

I'm a 31yr old guy, with a beautiful soon to be wife and my wonderful 19 month old son. I've had stable employment for over 10 years now and try to end each day ahead of the last. What alot of people don't see though, is my anxiety that makes me double check everything, it makes me doubt my ability and at times makes me feel like I'm going insane.

I can only describe this as a feeling of my mind is stuck in an unrelenting, thick fog of madness.

For 9 of these 10 years I've had a pretty good handle on things and have moved forward well, although the recent passing of my grandfather whome I was close with has turned everything upside down.

let's go back, and I will keep it brief.

I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder 10 years ago and put on medication, I was also smoking a considerable quantity of cannabis and drinking. This lasted 12 months before I crashed in an almighty collision of reality and what I'd been avoiding. I was put on a second medication, to which I had a rare reaction where I didn't sleep for 5 days and the sickness was almost unbearable, this combined with my grand ideas to stop smoking cannabis and stop taking the first medication all at once, leads me to my visit to the local Mental Health Hospital. I had a sneaky pill before they got to me to drag me out there so by the time I was being examined I was ok, and managed to talk my way out of it.

Two days later I had a visit to a Psychiatrist who spoke with me at length and decided that a third medication was the correct medication for me. I was underweight, couldn't eat for days at a time and wasn't sleeping. This medication after 4 weeks had that sorted.

Cut back to today, and I've been having more bad days than good and have been struggling quite alot. I've scheduled regular appointments with a psychologist and am now feeling like its day 1 all over again. My partner is amazing and has truly been the anchor I've needed and without her I hate to think of where I could be now.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, but any support from fellow sufferers might be the thing I need on a bad day to see that light at the end of the tunnel. When its bad, I feel like I'm losing my mind, like this is it and I'm about to say goodbye to my dwindling grip on reality. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I just want to be happy again

10 years later

socialmoth — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 11:40:12 GMT

Hi Oddities, welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you have been through a whole lot in your life and I'm very sorry to hear that you have been feeling this way lately.

I definitely know the feeling of starting day 1 all over again. I have been going to psychologists and counselors on and off for years and at the end of last year, I thought I was completely better. I stopped seeing my psychologist and I stopped taking my medication completely. I ended up in hospital for withdrawals.

You have done the best thing you can do when you feel like you've fallen off the horse, which is get back on it again. Just this month I admitted that I wasn't well, got a new mental health plan and am going back to a psychologist at the end of the month - but instead of feeling like it's day 1, I feel like it's a new start. A fresh reality if you will.

Maybe spinning it that way helps your perception of the situation and gives you the motivation to work hard to feel the feeling you're looking for again.

10 years later

Oddities — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 21:02:53 GMT

Thank you mate. Sounds like you understand exactly how this feels. Ive described it to my partner like climbing a mountain, you reach the highest point you can see, then, once you get there your met with another mountain that towers above.

I do find solace in the fact that I do have good days, or good periods where I feel good, sane, safe and capable so I use that as a kind of grounding mechanism to reassure myself that all will be good. I'm particularly keen to undertake CBT training as when it was suggested during my earlier years I was perhaps a little to immature/uneducated enough to admit that I could fix these issues within my own headspace.

10 years later

Petal22 — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 12:28:10 GMT

Hi Oddities,

Sorry you have been feeling this way.... there is light at the end of the tunnel..... I once had severe anxiety... ocd ..... I have now recovered from it thanks to the help of health professionals and medication....

I did group therapy sessions at a ocd clinic and was given many tools..... phycologists can also give you tools to help you to cope with your anxiety.... they really help.... it can take time to practice with these tools but when you get the hang of them they really help..

hang in there .... your good days will eventually out weigh your bad days.... try to stay positive and keep receiving help.......

10 years later

Katyonthehamsterwheel — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 00:33:39 GMT

hi there

I'm ten years too. I just want to say I love this:

"I do find solace in the fact that I do have good days, or good periods where I feel good, sane, safe and capable so I use that as a kind of grounding mechanism to reassure myself that all will be good."

Hope absolutely is so important. I think hold onto that and just keep trying things. It's our own headspace where the "problem" is situated, and if we do the work we can improve it. A tip for you if you like. Just one thing I've been trying that seems to be working well. When I find myself latching on to a thought that doesn't feel great - eg. "I stuffed up at work today and everyone thinks I'm an idiot now" I could go down that path and get stuck in a negative rut, or I can notice my thinking, and make an active decision to think something different. Nothing complicated. Maybe "my cat is curled up on the sofa". That thought feels better.

Sometimes I feel like anxiety is just these sticky tentacles which keep grabbing at things, and we need to keep asking it to keep it's mitts to itself.

Take care. Katy

10 years later

Oddities — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 12:29:14 GMT

Thank you mate. I'm finding as my situation gets more overbearing I'm tending to have OCD tendencies which I believe to be my mind seeking order and uniformity in my surroundings.

Can I ask how long it took you to make what you feel is a full recovery?

10 years later

Oddities — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 12:42:41 GMT

Thanks Katy, I'm at a point with my headspace that I'm always up for advice. Ive been attempting to reinforce a process where I will remind myself of previous times I've been in the same situations and how nothing bad has come from it. That helps but I'm still trying to develop these skills.

That sticky tenticle description is absolutely spot on!

Isn't it funny how something so consuming is so hard to describe to others who have not been unfortunate enough to suffer.

10 years later

Petal22 — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 16:24:26 GMT

No worries 😉 yes I understand..... when you wrote that your anxiety would make you double check everything it reminded me of the ocd I once had....... I would always double check things.... it was very time consuming....... you aren’t alone) many people have this condition....... through out my ocd therapy I learned what my compulsions were eg..... checking things ..... I did this on a physical level and I also had compulsions in my mind that I did...... I have recovered because I learned what my ocd cycle was and I stopped doing everything that held me in my cycle......

how long did it take me to recover? From the time I saw my gp through to seeing a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist.... then going to my ocd clinic ( were I learned to master my ocd) ..... 2 years..... it took 12 months for me to get into my clinic so while I was waiting I saw my phycologist for strategies ( which helped) and my gp for support and medication.... it took me a while to master the skills I was taught but now they come easy to me and I use them alot in my every day life......

I was taught mindfulness, meditation, thought challenging and how not to get caught up in my ocd cycle........ I credit a lot to meditation it taught me I am not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts....., ( you too can learn this)......... it all takes practice and perseverance but at the end of it all you come out a more wiser, stronger person 😊 we grow through what we go through......

never give up, keep pushing forward..... when I had a bad day I’d tell myself tomorrow will be better, I learned to develop a positive mindset and to look for the best in everything......

Im glad to hear you have a great supportive partner....😊

practice being mindful, I also practice gratefulness you could try it daily...

maybe try meditation.... it takes practice but it really helps with anxiety....

im here if you ever want to chat...... things will get better your condition is temporary you won’t feel this way for ever...... stay positive... there is light at the end of the tunnel.... keep talking 😊

10 years later

geoff — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 19:35:31 GMT

Hello Oddities, and welcome to the site.

I am really sorry you are struggling the way you are because what it does is make us unsure of what's going to happen tomorrow.

It's like getting to the top of the mountain and then thinking you've left something behind, so down you climb to check and then climb back up o the top, this is so exhausting because having OCD is just that, as I also have this illness, and before, people used to ask me why are you doing this again, you've just done it, you don't need to check it again.

This is very difficult for people who don't have this illness to understand what's involved, they can't comprehend that it's a necessity, and makes us doubt our own ability, I feel so much for you.

With someone you love, how do you explain to them your behaviour, that is not easy, probably the best way is for them to search OCD as well as intrusive thoughts, the more they know and accept this type of behaviour certainly goes a long way in helping you.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

10 years later

Oddities — Sun, 25 Apr 2021 08:15:59 GMT

It's nice to know there is light at the end of the tunnel, eventhough sometimes it's really difficult to see or keep hope that the light im seeing isn't just another lantern in the, what seems endless tunnel.

I've also been reflecting heavily as if my OCD behaviours are a defence mechanism in regard to my anxiety. I mean this in the sense that while I feel anxious I can not find any structure or order in anything so if I can create a small amount of structure I have something to focus my energy on.

Does this make sense at all?

10 years later

Oddities — Sun, 25 Apr 2021 08:18:26 GMT

I'm glad you mentioned this as that is something I have had alpt of trouble with. I speak with the ones I care about and try explain how I feel and due to others not having the first hand experiences, I always think they don't understand the gravity of anxiety so bad you feel like your losing your mind or the fact I need to do things twice and sometimes three times.

10 years later

Oddities — Sun, 25 Apr 2021 08:29:57 GMT

So I would like to write up an update.

I have spent the last two weeks very busy with my absolute life passion, which is drag racing.

In sydney last weekend I found the drive there, talking to my father to be quite relaxing in the conversations of day to day life and our plans for the upcoming racing. Once we got to the track, the anxiety started. We set up, which kept my mind partially occupied but once we were done, I was at around 8 out of 10 on the "rattled" index. I spoke with my father about it and while he doesn't understand what it feels like, he understands how debilitating it is for me and does what he can to talk and help. The next day, our tuner got there and I was very worried he would think I was going mad and didn't know what to do. After a bit of walking around trying to get my head straight, i went over to day hello, after the usual how have you been, dad looks to me and says, "tell him how your really doing mate". He was very understanding and our conversations after made me realise I feed the anxiety and in my own thoughts take it from 2 out of 10, to 8 out of 10 based on hypothetical situations.

This past weekend we were in QLD and although I had a couple of small bouts, it was nice to have the knowledge that our whole crew knew I was having a rough patch lately and all were very friendly, understanding and supportive.

Has anyone else here had these kinds of situations where you amplify an already irrational feeling by focusing in not on unrealistic hypothicals?

10 years later

Petal22 — Sun, 25 Apr 2021 12:28:21 GMT

Hi Oddities,

I just wanted to say I think it’s fantastic that you do drag racing! Good on you....... never let your anxiety stop you from doing the things you love! It’s wonderful you have a supportive father......

always open up to the ones who want to be there for you if you feel comfortable doing so .......... just having some one listen to you really helps......

I understand I think our anxiety makes hypotheticals so much bigger in our heads when the reality is so much less...... I have found meditation very helpful for this I’ve learned I’m not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts ..... so I can now sit back and watch what my mind is doing without getting involved in it.... there for it doesn’t raise my anxiety now..... I remain calm and have a clear clarity on things........ I highly recommend meditation if you haven’t tried it.....

I also understand what you are saying when you said you reflect on your OCD I understand things go very fast in our minds when we start to spiral....... can I just suggest something you could try? When you have a ocd thought ( intrusive) just redirect your attention onto something in the present moment?
Eg..... what does your drag car sound like? What can you smell, how does your drag car look? Really study it..... little bits and pieces of it.......

this will take you out of your head and stop you spiraling because your attention has been redirected into something in the present moment....

practice this daily.... not just when you have an intrusive thought it trains your attention...... our attention is like a muscle it needs exercise 😊

keep in touch

10 years later

geoff — Sun, 25 Apr 2021 19:27:06 GMT

Hello Oddities, anybody who doesn't suffer from OCD doesn't understand why we have these obsessions, compulsions and intrusive thoughts, for example, we can't explain why we have to keep checking the backdoor lock, their comments are 'you've just checked it twice, why check it again, so it is impossible to say, that's what OCD does to me, even then they still don't understand and that's really upsetting.

My twin doesn't have this illness, and when we were sleeping in the same room, not once did he ever question any of my OCD habits, somehow he just knew, perhaps I was doing them in the womb, that I'll never know, but he doesn't care at all, although now I hide everything I do.

If for any reason I'm caught out, I have an excuse, but this rarely happens, but I know how you are feeling.

Unfortunately, it runs in my family, not any of my siblings have it, but a couple of their kids, not everyone thank goodness, and I don't believe my parents had it, and only wish I knew if my grandparents had it, but will never know.

Take care.

Geoff.

10 years later

Oddities — Tue, 27 Apr 2021 08:41:42 GMT

The drag racing really is something that I feel in past years has kept me sane and given me an outlet for mental energy and attention. My father and I race at a rather high level as far as our results so the data aquasition and analysis is paramount to successful passes down the track. Although I do have to note and acknowledge that I past relationships I have been noted as becoming obsessive when it comes to racing. I spend hours and hours researching what results others have achieved and how they have done it, I look and think about the physics of the car and how we can improve and study our data to look for anything that can be improved on.

The anxiety I feel as mentioned above feels a little diffrent to what others have described, (I think atleast) in that I don't particularly have anything I can pinpoint feeling anxious about. I just feel like my mind has a thick fog in it and my ability to focus and be in the present becomes distant, and then the OCD habits come along as something for me to regain some kind of order. Does this make much sense?

10 years later

Oddities — Tue, 27 Apr 2021 08:44:57 GMT

Can I ask mate, do you find you get OCD behaviour as a result of anxiety? Or do you have these habits and they make you anxious?

It's brilliant that your twin does not mind nor feel it to be any diffrent than normal that you have these habits as that is most likely the person who knows you best and understands that you are the way you are and loves you for exactly that.

10 years later

Oddities — Tue, 27 Apr 2021 08:52:15 GMT

So today was a good day, it wasn't a struggle day but I had a few moments when I felt the anxiety/mind fog coming along. With these feelings I diverted my attention to other things and put my head to work on tasks in my work. It was nice to have a day where I came home feeling like it was a successful day and I got through it comfortably.

I will restart my meditation before bed tonight I think and start trying to get into the habit of doing it each night. I've been maintaining my evening walks with my partner which has been a good exercise routine to get My partner, our son, and our two pooches out and stretch our legs. With the meditation I see it now as exercise for my mind.

I have also decided that for every good day I have in this world I would like to extend that feeling to others. I have spoke ln to my partner about setting aside time each night to respond to people on these forums and try to give out some of the knowledge and assurance that we might all be individuals but our struggles are all similar. We will survive these troubles and we will all come out with smiles and stronger people for it.

10 years later

Petal22 — Tue, 27 Apr 2021 09:39:09 GMT

Hi Oddities,

I just wanted to congratulate you on what your noticing about your thoughts.... you “noticed” feeding your anxiety with your thoughts ...... the fact that you have noticed yourself doing this is a great step because you are observing what your thoughts (mind) is doing....

once you notice this behaviour.... try to disengage from it.... instead turn your attention gently to something in the present moment..... eg when going out for a walk with your beautiful family.... how does the breeze feel on your face, what can you hear or smell or just notice your beautiful surroundings 😊 this will then break the cycle and you will learn to be calm and relaxed in the moment 😊

The thick fog you are talking about..... I think back to when I had severe anxiety and when I felt like that was when I felt in the midst of a panic attack..... until that feeling subsided was when I could focus my attention more.......gradually as I learned different strategies for my anxiety and how not to get caught up in my cycle did this feeling fade...... I think my medication also helped 😊

I think your drag car racing sounds great, it’s great you have something you can give your attention to and mental energy that really helps 😊

Im glad to hear you had a good day today, that’s fantastic to hear when you had anxiety/ fog you put your attention on your work or what you were doing that’s great progress! You should be proud of yourself...... the more you do this the easier it will become to re direct your attention 😊

I think doing meditation every night is a wonderful idea it’s great exercise for our attention 😊 mind, body and spirit 😊

exercise daily is also great 😊 nice family time too......

I think it’s wonderful you are going to contribute to other people on these forums 😊 it’s always nice to support and help each other out

so true I believe our struggles make us stronger people..... we grow from them and in return can also help others on their life journeys 😊

You deserve to have many many good days on this earth..... I’m sure the best is yet to come for you 😊

keep in touch 😊

10 years later

Sunshine188 — Tue, 27 Apr 2021 11:48:32 GMT

Hey Oddities

Hope today has been alright for you. I’m sorry to hear things have been a bit tough lately.
I’m glad that you have supportive people around you right now.
I can relate to what you mentioned earlier, about OCD tendencies creeping in, when life feels like it’s getting extra overwhelming.
my anxiety has been a bit awful lately and I find myself become extra obsessive or controlling in other aspects of my life (Turned the car around and came back home to double check I’d locked the front door etc)

it can be exhausting sometimes.
Know that this is a safe space and I hope that you’ve found these forums to be helpful.

let us know how things go. Thinking of you. Try to hang in there, even when it feels hard. It sounds like you have a lot of perspective and that you’re taking some really positive steps towards looking after yourself

10 years later

geoff — Tue, 27 Apr 2021 17:13:31 GMT

Hello Oddities, if we think anxiety is the problem causing this, then we will only do more compulsions to get rid of it, which in fact increases the anxiety, and an article I've just read says that ' if the compulsions are the problem, stop doing them, and stay with the fearful situation, then the anxiety will eventually go away as you build up a tolerance', but only this may happen under very specific conditions, which I certainly can't obtain to, they are too powerful, simply because, how can you when you can't get these obsessions out of your thinking, they do take time and energy to complete doing them, but once they are done they're not actually completed, they keep reoccurring.

Certain people have said on the forums that they have cured their OCD, I applaud them for doing so, but for others, these obsessions and compulsions have to be done so they can finally feel at ease but only for a moment, because they need to be done once again to try and reassure ourselves, but again this lasts only for a few minutes.

We can't do these 'habits' once a day and then expect our lives to return to 'normal', this illness doesn't work like that.

I just can't walk past something I always do a habit on, if I do, that makes me anxious and then I have to find a way to go back and complete this obs/compulsion.

As Sunshine says there have been many times when I've done exactly the same as what's been said.

Take care.

Geoff.