topic Prisoner in my own body in Anxiety

Prisoner in my own body

Hopefull_ — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 13:01:30 GMT

Hey

First of all let me introduce myself, my name is James and I guess i've hit rock bottom, it's why I'm here *I don't mean to sound all dramatic* But I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for over 30 years, depression on and off but anxiety is pretty much constant. Lately I have become very depressed, at lot more than usual and I can't seem to get motivated to do the things that I used to enjoy, even with the anxiety I did things like art, cooking, gardening, I used to keep my place immaculate as it helped with my anxiety, it was my constant, very important to me but now I've let it go. It feels like I'm losing myself as if Im being swallowed up by some terrible void.

The reason I say I'm a prisoner I'm my own body is because I feel I'm not capable of getting back to a place that wasn't perfect but *doable* I feel very lost in this void, even around family, I feel as if i'm drifting away a little more every day and it hurts like hell. so, I guess I'm not typing I'm yelling in the hope that someone will hear me.

Enough for now.

James.

Prisoner in my own body

Jacko777 — Tue, 09 Sep 2014 04:01:10 GMT

We are all hearing you James, many of us have similar experiences and you will find lots of support, advice and love on this site. You are not alone.

Obviously you want to change direction, from heading down to heading up. Could you try just a few small actions each day amongst the positive parts of your life. Don't think about it, just go and get in the garden, just start a new piece of art or visit a gallery, try a new recipie. Tick off a few things each day and take satisfaction that you have tried and that you have made changes. As you know, we can't keep doing the same things but expecting different outcomes.

You have been up and down before, what things helped you to feel up?

Prisoner in my own body

White_Rose — Tue, 09 Sep 2014 10:34:12 GMT

Hello James

It's good that you have posted here. We will do our best to help you.

You have said that depression and anxiety are not new to you. Have you had any professional help in the past? I know it's easy to say go to the doctor but not necessarily easy to do. It seems from your post that you are getting to a dark place and would benefit from some face to face help.

Thirty years is a long time to manage depression on your own. Do you have any family or close friends? I live on my own and understand the problems with this lifestyle. Having loving people around makes life a great deal easier.

Do you have much information about depression? I ask because Beyond Blue has many resources you can access. Just explore the tabs at the top of the page.

Lack of motivation is a huge indicator of depression and one that can be difficult to manage. As Jacko has said, small bits at a time. Washing the dishes can seem like a mountain, especially when they are going to get dirty again. So pick your jobs, the ones that will give you satisfaction when they are completed.

One thing I enjoy is sitting outside on my patio with a coffee and a good book. My concentration is often not good but I feel better for sitting there with a book in my hand and an occasional glance at the pages. Fooling myself? Yes, but it works. Absorbing sunshine through your skin is good for helping with depression and it takes little energy. Going for a walk is better but start with sitting in the sun.

Have you retired or are you still in paid employment? Having a regular job is good for us whether or not we get paid for doing it. It gives structure to the day and motivation for getting out of bed in the morning.

That's enough for now. Please reply to us and if you would like to, tell us more of your story.

Warm regards

LING

Prisoner in my own body

Hopefull_ — Tue, 09 Sep 2014 13:06:41 GMT

Thanks guys for your replys and your advice. The problem I have at the moment is I have no goals, no career aspirations, nothing to look forward to. I think I will try to set myself some goals, you have made me realize they don't have to be big goals, just things like mowing the lawn or cleaning one room, not the whole house.

I do have a new job, well not so new I've been there for about eight months and I think I'm doing a pretty good impersonation of myself if you know what I mean..........so, I don't think they know what I'm going through. The anxiety I have also learnt to hide quite well after having dealt with it for so long, however, I wish It would leave me, it's not a very heathy relationship we have, sure we got alone at the start but now

I' m done with it.......STUPID ANXIETY !!!! you know thats probably my least favourite word....Anxiety, such a stupid word can control someone whole life.

I have sought help for my problems and I have talked and talked until I felt like I have nothing more to say, it kinda sucks because in spite of all the help I've had I still feel the same, so it makes me feel more hopeless. I take medication for

my anxiety and it helps take the edge off, and allows me to function somewhat.

I do have a partner but we don't see much of each other, maybe once or twice a week, she's a really positive person so I try not to talk about my problems with her for fear of losing her, I know that sounds as if I think she's "conditional" but she isn't, I just don't want to bring her down.

I have way too much time to myself, maybe I should shout myself a comfy deck chair and a good book, I lay in bed for most of the morning because I don't start work until after lunch, I look outside and see what I'm missing out on. My first goal is to spend some time in the sun before work, even just a couple of days.

Thanks guys.

James.

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Prisoner in my own body

geoff — Tue, 09 Sep 2014 14:39:11 GMT

dear James , I think that you have OCD from the comments that you have stated, which is caused by anxiety,

Just like to know how you feel about this, and will reply back to you after we hear from you. Geoff.

Prisoner in my own body

Hopefull_ — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 00:23:49 GMT

Hey Geoff,

You may be right about the OCD because ever since I've stopped adhering to my routines I have felt more and more depressed, it feels like it's too far gone, i've let it get away from me. I used to have a place for everything, now I'm lucky if I even open my mail let alone sort it into categories.

I feel so lost.

Prisoner in my own body

HelenM — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 11:09:53 GMT

I keep trying to post a reply

Prisoner in my own body

HelenM — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 11:17:56 GMT

Hi Blackbox

You are going through such a hard time. But you're working and that shows incredible strength given what you're going through.

Do your tablets help with depression. Maybe it'd be worth seeing if you can get help with that. As well as my other meds I take a mood stabiliser. People tend to think this is just for bi polar but it can be used in 'ordinary' depression as well. It stops me going down too far and seems to be very effective. There are a number of them about these days and most have few side effects.

You feel hopeless - you're not. With help things will improve. I often feel as though I've failed but it takes enormous strength to cope with depression/anxiety. My husband says 'depression makes you weak and forces you to be strong'. I don't know if that makes sense.

Take care, Helen

Prisoner in my own body

Jacko777 — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 12:01:42 GMT

Some time in the sun sounds like a good goal James and as you say, some small goals each day, things that you can achieve and will give you some satisfaction. It is what you do every day that makes the difference. You mentioned art, what do you like to do? Even a few brush strokes will help you.

Do you ever try meditating James?

Prisoner in my own body

CMF — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 12:10:13 GMT

im sorry you're feeling so crappy. I can relate. I think your depression is overtaking your anxiety at the moment.

ive read all the posts to you they're all great. I have a few suggestions to add. Vitamin d is very important. As LING suggested sitting out in the sun does wonders. the body part through which vitamin d is absorbed is the shins! Yes between the knee to the feet so make sure this area is exposed. Also read up on a sugar called inositol. It helps with anxiety, is all natural. It may take a week or so to notice the difference. I had a bad morning and I hadn't taken mine. I took it around lunch time and I'm heaps better now. Dandelion tea is also a good antidepressant, look into it.

How long have you been with your partner. Does she understand how you're feeling?

Prisoner in my own body

Hopefull_ — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 12:50:12 GMT

Hey Helen,

Thank you for saying it takes strength to get through this as I was beginning to feel weak mentally, my doc told me "women don't respect weakness in a man"

The fact he said that started to make me think he thought I was weak, I'm sure he didn't mean it that way, well I hope he didn't.

He also said I may be under estimating her empathy so I'm a little confused.

So that all makes sense, I was telling him I was reluctant to keep talking about my anxiety/depression for fear of losing her, I know that sounds wrong as if I think she's so shallow and that the thought of being with someone who is depressed is out of the question, it's not that, it's just she's so positive and confident and likes that in other people, she told me.

With regards to medication, I'm not taking an antidepressant, just an anxiety med

I hope all that makes sense.

Thanks.

James.

Prisoner in my own body

Hopefull_ — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 12:57:39 GMT

Hey Jacko,

Yes I have tried meditating on two occasions, one was a guided meditation after a yoga class I was trying to help with my anxiety.

The instructor told me I went so far under it took her about 30 mins to bring me out of it, I felt sick after, mind you I did feel like I was part of everything, like everything was one thing it's just our ego's that stop us from seeing it. she said it takes years of practice to get where I got to after one session, but like I said it made me feel ill for quite some time. I tried it again, same thing.

Does it help you ? Do you feel the same way when you meditate ?

James.

Prisoner in my own body

Hopefull_ — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 13:11:16 GMT

Hey CMF,

I'm just about to start taking vitamin D, my GP recommended it because I don't really go outside that much anymore. I have set myself a goal of trying to get outside even if it's just for 10 mins, thanks for the tip about the shins, I would have probably been in jeans and a t-shirt.

I've tried so many things, natural things, some of them disgusting, but I've yet to find one that helps me a lot, some of the things I have tried have helped a bit. I really need something to get me out of this darkness at the moment, the anxiety I could sort of deal with, it's the depression thats so hard, I don't even know what I'm depressed about.....!

Again, thanks for the tip and I hope you are all doing well.

James.

Prisoner in my own body

geoff — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 14:48:06 GMT

dear James, all of what you are saying is OCD related, and just to put you in the picture I've had OCD for 54 years and I turn 60 soon, whereas my twin has never had it, nor has he had depression in any shape or form, which I am so pleased for him.

If you like you could type OCD in the search box and the there should be plenty of discussion that I have had with many people, it would take you awhile to read them all, but never the less you may find them to be very interesting.

This is only dealing with your anxiety, but you also have depression.

There are many times that we never know why we have depression, because there's no explanation.

Your doctor couldn't be so wrong when he said '"women don't respect weakness in a man', how so untrue this is, and what this does is it puts you in a hole so deep so that you have to first get over what he said even before you can tackle your depression.

Please get back to us. Geoff.

Prisoner in my own body

CMF — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 00:45:18 GMT

Hi,

Definitley try the inositol you buy it from health food shops. I totally agree with Geoff about your dr being wrong with his comment. How ridiculus and who is this dr to judge like that. its not about respecting or not respecting the 'weakness' its about respecting the person, beside its not a 'weakness', its an 'illness' (can't think of a better word) if you had the flu would anyone think you were weak? If you had gastro does that make you a weak person? NO. You may be 'sensitive', which is beautiful. I can see you are a very caring person, she is a lucky woman. We can't control if we get depression/anxiety we just need the proper understanding and support. Vitamin d tablets- good idea. make sure you take them with calcium, say with your morning coffee/tea. it help the absorption. Do you drink coffee? Perhaps eliminate this. Red meat cooked rare actually is a great antidepressant as well.

hope your having a better day today.

cmf

Prisoner in my own body

Jacko777 — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 01:06:30 GMT

Hi James,

Your meditation experiences sound fantastic, sounds like you can switch the noise off and meditate deeply and to my limited knowledge it makes sense that you may have moved some stuff around that would make you feel ill, the toxins are on the run.

I would follow up on this if I were you, you have seen the ego for what it is (Yes I have experienced this) and I think you would benefit greatly from more meditation, in the right hands so that you are not so sick. You will find a new level of focus.

Prisoner in my own body

Hopefull_ — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 11:53:09 GMT

Hey Jacko

My experience with meditation was quite different to what you describe, I was totally aware of the sounds around me, it's just they didn't seem like a distraction, they were part of it, dare I say it part of me without and ego.

I've been thinking about what you said and I think I will try again, some time ago I spent some time with an asian psychologist, she told me my anxiety stems from the fact I'm not using my gift. I stopped seeing her because she was so intent, I thought she was just trying to make me feel special.

Maybe I should explore this some more ?

Prisoner in my own body

Hopefull_ — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 12:04:07 GMT

Hey CMF

I'm going to try the inosital, hey I'll try anything to get a little relief. You're right it's not a weakness, it's an illness, it seems mental illness is the only illness you get judged on.

But not here.

I am a sensitive person, maybe a little too sensitive but i'd rather be sensitive and empathic instead of a hard arse. You sound like a really nice person and I appreciate your advice.

Thanks.

James.

Prisoner in my own body

Hopefull_ — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 12:42:13 GMT

Hey CMF

I did reply to your post but it hasn't shown up yet ?

Prisoner in my own body

Hopefull_ — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 12:57:41 GMT

Hey Geoff,

I don't think I have full blown OCD, I think I have OCD tendencies, I looked up OCD and yes I did tick a lot of the boxes but not all, saying that when things are in order and just so I do feel a lot less anxious. I don't know how you've dealt with it for so long, what do you do to ease it ?

You said there are time when there is no explanation for our depression, like I said I don't know why I'm depressed and I don't know why I anxious when for the most part there is nothing to be anxious about ?

I've gotten over the feeling of being labelled as "weak" thanks to you guys, as I said in a post to CMF that still hasn't shown up? It's unfortunate the mental illness is an illness that we get judged on, not by all but some, I guess they see it as being weak but walk a mile in our shoes and see what they say then hey.

I hope everyone has had a good day.

James.