topic Brain injury and personality in Anxiety

Brain injury and personality

Boudica — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 09:43:29 GMT

Hello peeps,
Has anyone out there sustained a traumatic brain injury? When I was only 18months old I sustained multiple skull fractures. I lived in the country and was sent down to hospital where I had an x-ray and stayed for observation for a bit. However, in those days they did not have the scans they have now, and I was sent home to carry on my life without any treatment or intervention.

Fast forward 30 years and I found out from the optometrist that I have double vision, so that if I am not concentrating or I am tired I see you with two heads while you talk to me. This was not picked up previously as I never knew there was a different way to see things and my brain mostly manages to edit the images so that I can function to do things. The optometrist believes that it was a result of my childhood head injury. This led me to believe that it is likely that I sustained an amount of damage to my brain that I had to adapt to growing up.

I was always a top student in school, so I think intellectually I was okay. However, my Grandmother always said that my personality changed after the injury, and it has left me wondering who I would have been if I hadn’t sustained the injury and questioning which parts of my personality are me and which aspects of myself are some kind of damage. I have struggled my whole life with anxiety and I am socially awkward and I forget names and sometimes faces. I have never been very good at converting thoughts into speech. Are these things me or are these a result of something broken in my head? Does anyone else have a similar experience where you don’t know if who you are now is your natural self, or a weird Frankenstein creature that was borne out of injury? Because of my messed up vision, I find I question my abilities, my personality, the way I relate to other people.

Brain injury and personality

Sophie_M — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 12:17:00 GMT

Hi Boudica,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community. It sounds like you've had some major experiences around the brain trauma that you've described and you're trying to make sense of the subsequent symptoms. I'm not sure if you've had an updated medical/spcialist assessment? That might provide further information, otheriwse there's a possability that someone from our lovely community may have some kind words and widom to offer you.

So remember, if you would like some help finding mental health support as you've mentioned subsequent anxiety and social awkwardness, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. Keep us in the loop if it helps!

Brain injury and personality

geoff — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 18:51:56 GMT

Hello Boudica, thanks for coming back and yes I've also had TBI and my optometrist has given me prescription glasses for driving as I also see double and he said he can't do any more to help me, but my eyes are far from being anywhere near 20/20, he suggested going to see a neurologist, but after spending an enormous amount of money, which I haven't done, all they are going to tell me what I already know, they will not be able to help with my eyesight.

I have never been very good at converting thoughts into speech, although it's different when I'm writing, then I can take my time, but everything you've said I totally agree with.

Do you have epilepsy, I do as a result of an assault by a couple of bikes, and my personality has certainly changed over the years, perhaps I may have been strong enough not to have depression and/or anxiety which has affected my life, and I definitely know as my doctor told me, that by drinking alcohol will eventually make me keep falling over, now I have to use a walking frame to get around.

I've been told, not by my doctor, that I shouldn't be driving any more and haven't for quite a while, my son has disconnected the terminals on the battery and locked the garage door.

I am deeply sorry that this has happened to you because I know how much it has affected my life and I'm sure it's no different with you, my heart goes out to you.

Hope to hear back from you any time you are available.

My very best to you.

Geoff.

Brain injury and personality

Boudica — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 23:18:13 GMT

Thanks Sophie_M, but I am okay really. It perhaps wasn't clear in my post that the realisation of my vision and brain injury was some years ago. I just wanted to use the opportunity on here to find others to compare experiences, as it is still part of me and I never really will have answers but nice to find people who understand. Although I have had some pretty dark times previously in my life, I seek this forum now as a level of protection and support from the darkness, because I know I am in a vulnerable place now with all that is happening in my life and don't want to go down that road again, so it is part of my prevention plan.

Brain injury and personality

Boudica — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 00:20:47 GMT

Hello Geoff, thanks so much for your reply, it is nice to speak to someone who understands.

I can see clearly, I just see double, so if reading I see one paragraph on top of the next paragraph. I am a student at the moment, so lots of visual tasks, but I have glasses with a prism now, so that helps. I have finished my degree but doing an honours project and reading is so tiring. I get despondent when I have work that need finishing but I just can't cope with more reading (I also do mapping tasks in my line of study which are intense for someone with double vision). I have not disclosed my sight challenges to my professors as I don't want them to think of me as incapable. My optometrist did not ever give any hope that anything can be done, so I have not tried.

I drive with no problems. It seems a bit rough for your son to impose non-driving upon you, how do you feel about that? I feel like my life would be over if I couldn't drive, I would lose all independence and have to give up my dreams of moving back away from the city. I am a very cautious driver, and I have never had an accident.

I am sorry to hear you have epilepsy, I have known a few people with it and know that it can really be a hard thing to live with. Luckily I do not have epilepsy.

Yes, I am so much better at explaining myself in text, thoughts flow to written language easily for me. I can talk to people easily about practical things like gardening or weather. But converting more abstract theoretical or emotional thought into speech is really hard and I cannot speak for very long, as I find it fatiguing. My ex-partner use to say that I do not give enough verbal feedback and it made him feel lonely as he never knew what I was thinking, and I wouldn't really respond to what he said in a way that satisfied him. So I really don't have any confidence in being able to respond to people correctly.

It sounds like you had a really traumatic experience. How old were you when it happened to you? I think it would be really different to experience a brain injury as an adult. Was there a definite change, a before and after? For me I have never known anything different, as I was too young to know. Perhaps because I was so young when it happened I have adapted to it. I think though, that it impacted vision, speech and my ability to read social cues effectively. I think I have learned to hide my deficits though, I can mimic social behaviour to a degree but sometimes feel like I am a puppet.

Brain injury and personality

geoff — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 01:07:30 GMT

Hello Boudica, thanks for getting back and yes it is really good that someone else knows what we're saying.

I have double vision when driving so I need glasses, they have also have prisms in them, as one car turns into two, the glasses rectify this thankfully and the reason my son doesn't want me to drive is the last time I did, I fell onto the road trying to get my walker out of the boot, my big shoes got in the way and I tripped over, needing me to be taken to hospital.

You need to remember that people need to wear glasses for specific reasons, so your professors shouldn't complain about you having to wear them, so please don't worry.

I can correspond better by writing, when I'm talking sometimes people scratch their head wondering what I'm trying to say, I get tongue tied, but writing it's so much better.

I was 29, managing a hotel and had barred bikies for their misbehaviour and the opening night after renovations they came in a pack, when I was talking with them, everything seemed to have been sorted out until I turned my back and then they hit me over the head with bottle/s, fell to ground etc.

It certainly changed my life in all aspects, that's another story, but with being young you slowly learn to adapt, although it really is most unfortunate that you have to struggle and hopefully I can help you, as I'm sure there is much more to your story if you want to share because everything you have told us has happened to me, so please I'm here.

Can I just say that I start very early in the morning and I'm about to log off, but I will definitely be looking out for you first thing in the morning, about 12.30 am.

Please reply as I know every day is different than the next, I know this happens to everybody, but with TBI it's not the same.

Please take care.

My best to you.

Geoff.

Brain injury and personality

Boudica — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 08:13:55 GMT

Hello Geoff,

What a brutal thing to happen, I am sorry, it must have really shifted reality for you. Do people around you know about what happened to you?

I guess I don't want people to know because I feel then they would observe more closely looking for evidence of deficits. If people are unaware and not looking too closely at me, I feel I can pass for okay. If under close observation I feel like people would be able to see the cracks and the struggles and the wrongness. I have never even told family members that I feel I have these deficits. My family were always full of criticism of everything wrong with me growing up though (I was not bubbly, chatty, affectionate like a girl should be, instead I was quiet, intense, reserved). So maybe people can see straight away there is something not right in me, and I am just kidding myself. How do you feel about people seeing you struggle?

I do wonder about personality though. It is hard to know what makes a person who they are. I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life, but this may have nothing or everything to do with tbi. I had a very unstable childhood with a lot of upheaval, periods of family violence and a hoarder mum with mental health issues. I guess it is the same for everyone. We can only guess at who we would be had we been born to a different life.

I am curious to know more of your experience, but only if you are comfortable. Did those close to you notice a difference in you after? Do you think it impacted your ability to relate to people or function in relationships? How did you reconcile yourself to the change, and feelings of loss?

I have no problem with wearing my glasses, but they don't really align the images correctly, as although it brings them near, one is very twisted diagonally. That is why I am still really having trouble with visual tasks like mapping. I end up in a bizarre hell of many overlapping lines, and work with tears streaming down my face (from eyestrain not sadness).

Thanks again for your time and attention

Brain injury and personality

geoff — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 17:23:01 GMT

Hello Boudica, I am in full admiration for you for having to grow up with TBI and not even knowing the extent of what this injury would cause and people forget the damage it has done to us, even when we have made a mistake, not duly, but because of the TBI, we aren't given any latitude unless we need to mention what has happened to us beforehand.

It's not that all we want is sympathy, and an example is that years ago I used to fall through windows, glass tables and people naturally thought I was drunk, but it wasn't that, I was having seizures and living alone, ending up in very precarious situations, so how can you explain this to anyone.

Anxiety and depression do have a great chance of developing in people with this injury and after a head injury, negative moods like sadness, anxiety, or irritation can drag on, making our families mistake our emotional symptoms for personality change and can affect our life.

I realise this happens to other people struggling with depression which causes our ability to think, communicate, and to connect with other people, but when you add TBI our problems seem worse.

To have multiple skull fractures as you did, must have been something that your family didn't know about what was going to happen and certainly didn't appreciate what damage this would cause, I am so truly sorry for you.

People may have noticed a difference in me, but I was never told, if I forgot something or made a mistake it was taken on face value, that is just as I would if I didn't sustain TBI, there was never any latitude, people just expected me to the same person as I was before.

It has definitely changed my life, but that's what is kept to myself as there is no gratitude.

Great talking with you.

Geoff.

Brain injury and personality

Boudica — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 18:29:58 GMT

Hello again Geoff,

Thanks so much for telling me your story. I feel that I got off lightly compared to you with your epilepsy, I'm not sure how I would cope with that loss of control, it must be devastating. I have had a seizure once from an overdose of medication and a lack of control of your own body is just terrifying. You must be a really strong person to get to where you are today. I think back then there was not really an understanding of TBI, unless it was obvious through severity eg. intellectual disability or paralysis. I was actually very lucky as I fell from the second story window of our house, so the fact that I survived is amazing in itself.

Nice talking to you 🙂

Brain injury and personality

geoff — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 19:18:59 GMT

Hello Boudica, to fall from a second storey window is frightening in itself, that must have been horrific and such a scare for you as well as those who were there, a terrible experience, and so pleased you can relate your storey back to us, not that I'm sure is one you want to remember.

Even though this injury was some years ago doesn't make it any easier for you to try and cope with, this is something you wouldn't want anyone to suffer from, because you have to suffer the consequences from it for the rest of your life, something only a person with TBI would know about.

The ramifications from it change your life forever, people say we can learn to live with it, but hey, it's not as simple as that, as so much actually changes which we ourselves only know about.

What's happened has happened and at the moment nothing really can be done to change this situation, you have to suffer from 4 broken skull fractures which will always show on any x-ray, just as the blood clot I received on the brain still remains and supposedly I have had a minor stroke a while ago, not that I noticed it but the last CAT and MRI scans have shown this to have happened.

I feel OK and don't have any signs thank goodness.

The epilepsy I have is 'grand mal' but thankfully controlled by medication, but I would be horrified to see someone fall two stories, it would be so shocking to be able to know what to do, my heart is all with you.

Please reply as it's not going to be easy for you at all.

My very best wishes.

Geoff.

Brain injury and personality

Boudica — Sun, 18 Apr 2021 01:20:50 GMT

Hello,

To be honest the fall means nothing to me, as I was only a toddler so have no recollection at all. I think it caused tension between my parents though. My mum was home, but she did not have a phone or car at the time and she did not seek help from the neighbours, so I was not sent to hospital until my Dad got home late in the day. My mum had a rough time as my father worked a lot and she did not cope so well being a stay at home mum (she had been a beauty queen and indulged favourite daughter as a teenager, and did not adjust well to a domestic life in a country town). My brother and I each had a few near death incidents in our early years (eg. example I was brought in from the middle of the main highway by a semi-driver at 11pm one night when I was just a crawling baby, and my brother crashed a car into the barn when he was just 4). There are advantages to limited supervision though, providing you survive the risks, and my brother and I both grew up to be very self-sufficient. I probably over-supervise my children, they live in my pockets it seems.

Ha ha, sorry for the rambling stories. It is weird to dust off childhood memories, they seem a world away from modern times.

I'm sorry about your stroke. It's great you're able to soldier on, and not really feel any difference.

Brain injury and personality

geoff — Sun, 18 Apr 2021 16:55:35 GMT

Hello Boudica, it is really sad about these near death incidents, the ones that you've had and the many I've had, they say a cat has nine lives an uncanny ability to walk away from disaster, well I don't know about you, but thirteen for me sounds better, whereas my twin hasn't had any, but I always congratulate him.

Take care.

Geoff.

Brain injury and personality

Boudica — Mon, 19 Apr 2021 03:13:31 GMT

Hello Geoff,

I hope you are feeling at peace today and there was some sparkle in your day 🙂

To be honest I don't really think of past near death experiences with sadness anymore, I instead try to think of myself to be lucky and strong to be still here. I think it would be fascinating

I like to liken myself to a tree that has grown in an unhospitable place, with roots grown in rocks on the edge of a cliff, windswept by coastal gales. I'm sure you have seen one, the twisted gnarled ageless tree that has withstood the battering of time. That is us I think. While perhaps we don't grow as tall and lush as those that grew on fertile lands with the protection of the forest , but there is still a rugged beauty in our imperfection and resilience.

Brain injury and personality

geoff — Mon, 19 Apr 2021 16:34:15 GMT

Hello Boudica, I think having near death experiences of perhaps thirteen or so has made me change into a different person.

A good friend asked me why am I so calm after an incident that years ago I would be horrified, annoyed and definitely cross and I said I didn't know, but thinking about it and after all these close situations (13) it has mellowed my personality.

Has that happened to you.

Take care.

Geoff.

Brain injury and personality

Boudica — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 19:10:14 GMT

Hello,

Being mellow is probably a good thing Geoff. Actually, for me I haven't changed, I have always been super calm (at least on the outside). I've never been someone who gets angry or riled up, but I have always been surrounded by chaotic people with awful firecracker tempers and probably have learned not to react much people or situations. Would I have been the same without a head injury - I guess I will never know. Maybe I take on internal stress without really reacting in an outwardly emotional way though. I have faced a lot of criticism from others for being cold and unemotional over the years, but I contend that I am misunderstood!

My daily life is stressful though, I presently care for my 12 year old son who has autism. He does not have an intellectual disability, but he have very little ability to self regulate, so I must be constantly observing to watch for physical signs he is getting agitated and then work on de-escalating him. It is tiring regulating someone else's emotions for them constantly. He is bigger than me now and can be very explosive and aggressive with little warning, as well as doing some pretty dangerous impulsive things at times (he started a fire in the house yesterday by piercing a lithium battery - this is the 5th fire he has lit in various ways so I have to be vigilant). I just put the fire out and explain to him what the consequences of his actions could have been (again). I feel like these days someone would have to do something pretty extreme to get much of a reaction out of me.

I meant to write in my last post 'It would be fascinating being a twin' somehow I deleted the end. Is your twin identical? How different are you in personality?

Brain injury and personality

geoff — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 19:53:38 GMT

Hello Boudica, great talking with you.

You certainly have had your hands full, since you were young up until now and it does take an incredible person to be able to cope with all the situations you've been in, and that I applaud you.

My twin and I are fraternal, he is smaller than me but eats much much more than I do, but he has ESP, he knew that I had been assaulted and was medically in trouble, whereas unfortunately, I don't have the same as he does, I really wish I did.

We do have similar sporting interests but our personality isn't the same and even growing up we always stuck by each other and did exactly the same together.

I was always the one that got hurt, injured, that didn't worry me, I can say that now, and we had three other siblings, all older than us.

Best wishes and all the best.

Geoff.

Brain injury and personality

Boudica — Fri, 23 Apr 2021 06:58:42 GMT

Hello,

I hope you are having a good day (or evening by the time you read this, as I see you are a creature of the night!).

Thanks Geoff, that is a nice thing to say. I am not incredible, I have had no choice but to cope, and I often feel completely overwhelmed. I also fantasize about running away and starting a new life amongst strangers in a different place where I can pretend to be someone else.

It is great your brother and you stuck together, it's nice to have someone in your corner. I had a great friend through my early school years who had my back, and it was a great feeling, she was really special, and we have recently found each other again. I've never known someone who has ESP, it must be really distressing to feel someone you are connected to in that way is hurt and in trouble, but not really know why or where or how to help them.

I have an older brother, but growing up he was a terrible bully and much bigger than me at 6 foot 4, so I spend my teenage years trying not to be at home or hiding. I left home at 17 and I saw very little of my brother until 10 years ago. Then one day he called me on the phone, he was very intoxicated and really distressed. I went to visit him straight away (a 2000km drive each way), we didn't speak about the past at all, but I decided it was time for me to let it go, and we have kept in touch ever since and help each other whenever we can. Our mum has an untreatable illness, so in time I will be the only family he has. Time changes things, we don't have any common interests but we shared a (challenging) childhood, and that counts for something and I want to see him happy.

Part of the reason I concluded that my quietness / (great listening skills!) is a result of the TBI rather than nature is everyone else in my family seems to have the ability to talk endlessly (sometimes boring me into a coma). I don't really notice that I don't talk much at all, I have a great aptitude for silence, but other people certainly do, and it can make them quite uncomfortable. When I first meet people, they think I am shy and try to draw me out of my shell, but shyness is different. Do people find anything about you odd, when they first meet you? How do you deal with it?

Brain injury and personality

geoff — Sat, 24 Apr 2021 20:06:55 GMT

Hello Boudica, you seem to be lovely and know what you're saying and isn't it amazing that your brother did ring you, that would have been a big surprise but shows you that really he feels attached to you, as I also had a brother 2 years older than my twin and I, who used to bash me up, probably because he was annoyed with my OCD habits, that's when I started to hide what I was having to do, but now we're close friends.

Time certainly does change family connections, and I'm sure he needs you more because you had to drive 2000km each way, that's a long distance and would love to have your thoughts over this distance.

My family are the same as yours, especially as a couple who keep asking me question after question before I've finished answering the previous one, that's why I don't go to any family gatherings and prefer to stay home.

I think my personality has changed so much over the years, caused by so many different factors, but I seemed to have mellowed in the last few years as I've had to cope with many difficulties mostly physical, as they say, cats have 9 lives, I think I've exceeded that by a long way, that's why I've mellowed.

Good talking with you.

Geoff.