topic Re: Worrying Again in Anxiety

Confronting husband about his hoarding

Ranga-1 — Sun, 21 Dec 2025 00:35:42 GMT

Hello, everyone.

Those who've seen my previous posts will know I have a husband who has been very sick and an adult son with some mental health issues.

The good news is my son has been making an effort to practise his drumming every day. My psychologist says it's a good sign that his mental health is improving.

I have mentioned my husband has isolated himself in the shed. The problem I have is that he has been hoarding rubbish (literal rubbish, but not food scraps, thankfully). He has cleaned the shed before, but it has started again. He had an ABI about 15 years ago, so maybe this is a result of that.

I am at the point where I want to move out for my own good. I am going to speak to my husband after Christmas and tell him that I have to make decisions that are good for ME. It's not an actual separation, but we do need space. I am very unhappy with the dynamic of the house and our relationship.

I am thinking of suggesting a specialised cleaner (who deals with hoarding etc) come in every two months if he cannot face the thought of cleaning the shed.

Has anyone else ever lived with this situation?

Re: Confronting husband about his hoarding

Croix — Mon, 22 Dec 2025 08:05:00 GMT

Dear Ranga-1~

Hi, it is good to talk to you again and I'm pleased that your son is showing signs of improvement, it has been a constant worry for you for a long time.

If I understand matters correctly your husband is always in his shed and hoarding material that may seem pointless to you. You also say he has Acquired Brain injury and is not able to work.

This is a very difficult situation that does require skilled professional care rather than talking o him and pointing out the matter needs fixing.

If one adds in ABI than the matter my be even more complex, and could account for his hoarding and being in the shed all the time.

I am not sure that explaining matters to him would be productive, perhaps professional help could have better results.

You are right that you have to look after your own welfare too, and balancing the needs of someone you love with the burden it places on you is very difficult. The only thing I can say is that if you are for example burnt out as a carer both at home and at work you need to be in a better place ot look after others.

As far as a specialized cleaner goes they can do a good job however I'd suggest checking with his clinician to see what effect such a clean-up might have on him. For example he may feel lost.

Do you have anyone to support you with your children and this situation? A family member or friend perhaps? Going it alone is very hard.

Croix

Re: Confronting husband about his hoarding

Ranga-1 — Mon, 29 Dec 2025 11:01:09 GMT

Thank you for your support. My immediate family (siblings) don't know and I don't want them involved.

He knows I hate the situation of the shed. I have, pursuant to my psychologist's advice, asked pointed questions. He has admitted he does not know why has let it get this way, but I don't think he particularly LIKES the shed being like that, either.

I am worried about the health and safety. Although the rubbish is confined to the shed, I am worried about the safety of it.

It's not fair - I have sunk my inheritance into payout out our mortgage and doing stuff/renovations, but this is likely not going to help with the value of the house. If he does not agree to intermittent cleaning, I will have to speak to his mother and ask for financial assistance to help me move out.

I will keep you informed.

Re: Confronting husband about his hoarding

Sol — Tue, 30 Dec 2025 12:10:10 GMT

Hi Ranga,

I've read through your post and reply and it's a very difficult situation that you're in. Does your husband have his own psychologist? I wonder if a professional could help him unpack why the hoarding is an important behaviour to him. As for your comment about prioritising your own needs, I think that's a mature and healthy mindset to have.

Re: Confronting husband about his hoarding

Ranga-1 — Sun, 04 Jan 2026 03:09:04 GMT

Thank you, Sol.

I have suggested my husband speak to someone professional about his psychological needs. I have also told him my concerns about the state of the shed. Nothing has been resolved yet. I am due to see my psychologist about ten days.

I have not yet told him I feel I need to move out - I'm thinking of getting work in a town about an hour away and seeing if I can find a cheapish rental. I will need to frame it in a positive way - I need space and our son could come and stay with me to find some work etc.

It's so hard. I know I am going to hurt him deeply and I am not looking forward to it. Any pointers and tips will be greatly appreciated.

Re: Confronting husband about his hoarding

Sol — Mon, 05 Jan 2026 09:54:35 GMT

Thanks for the update, Ranga.

I don't have any pointers or tips as your situation is unique to my own life - however I wish you the best of luck with everything.

Worrying Again

Ranga-1 — Fri, 10 Jul 2026 05:34:58 GMT

Hi, wonderful community.

It's been a while. My update is that I have graduated as a teacher and am getting lots of casual work. I'm going to be doing a block of work for four weeks at the beginning of next term in another town. I will be staying in that town through the week, which is going to be really good for me. I need to get away from my home.

My husband is going to see a doctor on Monday about adjusting medication to a form where he will be confident to take it. He was not taking medication because of swallowing issues, which he's had since being intubated a few years back. I was very angry that he was not taking meds because he is not helping himself. He will also speak to the doctor about a referral for mental health treatment. This is long overdue.

Every time I try to say something is worrying me, he turns it back on to him. Our renovations aren't finished, and I said that the chaotic environment has worn me out. He said EVERYTHING has worn him out.

My son has been drumming and being conscientious about getting up at regular times and keeping up with his epilepsy medication. However, today he asked how much therapy costs. I asked was anything in particular bothering him and could I help, but he said I couldn't or else he would tell me. I said if it was because he's not working at the moment, I said to keep his chin up because bad times don't last forever. I told him it was good that he was thinking about getting help if he feels he needs it. He's been applying for jobs and not hearing back. He did a shift at a pub that went well, but they've put on someone else (a former employee who came back). He doesn't drive because he's not willing to risk a seizure. I'm trying to help as much as I can and think a move out of town will be good.

I said I am seeing my psychologist for a catch-up on Tuesday and will ask her for some names, in the event her seeing him also is a conflict of interest. I told him this might be the case if part of what he wants to talk to a therapist about relates to ME, but he said it's not me.

I so scared and worried about him.

Re: Worrying Again

Psychdiaries2 — Sun, 12 Jul 2026 10:39:16 GMT

Hi there,

Welcome back to the forums. Thanks for opening up and trusting our community. Firstly, I wanted to congratulate you on the casual work you said you've been getting! I'm glad you're happy with going to another town and that it'll be a nice break for you.

I can see that you're glad your husband is seeing a doctor soon and I hope that goes well and that he adjusts to the medication. It may sound silly, but I wanted to ask if you and your husband have talked about the worries you have like the renovations or his upcoming doctor appointment etc., and communicate about what it is exactly that has been stressful and how you can be there to support each other. I know it can be frustrating when you pour your heart out to someone and they just turn it back to them. It can feel very invalidating. Maybe you could try to say something like 'I'm trying to voice MY worries, so can you please listen to what I have to say first and we can talk about your worries afterwards'.

It's understandable you're feeling worried about your son since he didn't explicitly tell you what he needed to talk to a therapist about. I think it's probably just best to let him know you're there for him and if he ever wants to talk to you, he can, otherwise there's no pressure. Maybe once he talks to a therapist, the problem, or whatever is going on will be sorted and that way he has taken initiative in getting help.

Hope this brings you some comfort. I can see how much you care for your family and love them. Take care of yourself and enjoy yourself in the new town. Reach out whenever you need, we're here for you.

Kind regards,

PsychDiaries

Re: Worrying Again

Annabelle_C — Mon, 13 Jul 2026 01:14:30 GMT

Hi Ranga,

Congratulations on graduating as a teacher! After reading your post, I can only commend you for pushing through that despite everything life is throwing at you.
After reading your post, I also found myself thinking about what you wrote when you said that whenever you try to share what's worrying you, the conversation comes back to your husband. That sounds incredibly difficult. Even when two people are both under enormous stress, we all need moments where we simply feel heard. I imagine that could feel quite lonely at times.
I hope that when you see your psychologist on Tuesday, you will have that space that you need to feel heard and supported.
I wonder if that's something you might like to explore with your psychologist on Tuesday as well—how you can feel heard while also supporting your husband through everything he's dealing with?

I do not know you, your husband or your situation other than what you have written here, but it's also possible that your husband is carrying a lot himself at the moment and may be longing to feel heard too.
On the other hand, it is indeed a very positive sign that your husband is, as we can infer, looking into the costs of therapy - hopefully for himself. My hope is that if he is able to talk to someone, he will then have the space to be able to listen to your feelings.
Hang in there. As you said yourself, bad times don't last forever. I hope this next chapter, with your new teaching role and your appointment on Tuesday, brings a little more breathing room for you.

Annabelle_C

Okay, it might be time for tough love

Ranga-1 — Tue, 14 Jul 2026 07:48:30 GMT

Hello again, everyone.

My husband didn't get to see the doctor yesterday (the surgery cancelled). He will need to make another appointment.

I saw my psychologist today and spoke about his behaviour. I showed her pictures I have taken of the shed and updated her on the history. She said he is hoarding.

I have not spoken to him about it since I got home because he is a bit unwell and sleeping on the lounge. AGAIN.

I want to be fair but I've had enough. I cannot live with a hoarder. It's limited to the shed where he spends time, but it's still a health concern. I don't want to live with him if he's hoarding, but I am a joint owner of this property and much of my inheritance has gone into renovating and fixing up, so I'm really resentful.

How do I approach this? I am going to tell him he MUST seek help, of course, but if he won't, it's going to be time to lawyer up.

Do you think I should speak to his mother about my worries? She is in her eighties and I don't want to concern her too much, but this is her SON we're talking about. What about our two sons (25 and 22)? Is it fair to involve them? I need all the help and support I can get to ensure HE does what he needs to do.

I have been gentle and understanding for the past few years, since he became very sick suddenly, but he won't do anything about the depression and the impact upon me is very unfair. Is it time for tough love?

Re: Okay, it might be time for tough love

smallwolf — Tue, 14 Jul 2026 12:15:49 GMT

Hello and welcome to the forums. And thank you for sharing your story.

As i was reading your story (as you told it) many things came to mind.

I am guessing that when you were talking with your therapist, you did not get the chance to chat with them about how to approach the situation?

And then... regardless of that, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink. All I can control is what I do. Bit like the prayer of serenity.

This does not mean necessarily mean there is nothing that can be done. There are different communication styles that could be used (?) to get your point across and hopefully find some common ground. These are things I have spoken with my psych. about since I started seeing her. If you are interested I could talk more about that.

Putting that part aside, I can imagine (but not get the true extent) of what you would be feeling in this situation. You just want to the best for the other person. And at the same time there are things are thing (the hoarding) this seems to be eating away at you. You deserve to be heard

Re: Okay, it might be time for tough love

Croix — Tue, 14 Jul 2026 12:44:45 GMT

Dear Ranga-1~

Welcome back. As I look back though your past posts and what you say in this one you have been having a very hard time with no easy solutions.

On the other hand some things do seem to have worked themselves out, or at least are a bit better. Your son is more motivated and active, you passed your second attempt at placement and have become qualified and now have a job.

I can quite understand having put to much effort and money into the house, which is still not finished, that this is frustrating and even unfair. Having a husband who is no help and hoards junk in his shed can leave you realizing you carry all the problems yourself, with no help. Again unfair.

I'm glad you have psychologist for some support, I hope it helps. However that by itself is a bit isolated from daily life. Up until now you have not involved family in this, and It may well be his mum, or your kids, can persuade him not just to see a doctor for being unwell, but also to be diagnosed for his tiredness and lack of motivation and retreating to his shed.

Then hoarding may be a symptom of something else, the ABI perhaps, and does need specialist treatment. The up side is that it has not spread to the house, so may not be critical at the moment - you would be a better judge of that.

From memory (forgive me if I've made a mistake) you were planning on living in town during the week due to your job, something that might lessen the pressure on you. Can I suggest that you give things time and also see what his family can do? Calling in the lawyers is a very drastic and final step and really does need to be a last resort.

Wiht the correct treatment your husband may improve significantly, though I guess it is as much a matter of encouragement for small wins than an ultimatum.

I hope matters are better soon and good luck with the job

Croix

Re: Okay, it might be time for tough love

Ranga-1 — Tue, 14 Jul 2026 22:53:52 GMT

Thank you so much. Yes, I am very excited about this block of work. It's a four-week casual stint whilst another teacher is on a placement elsewhere. I'm staying in this other town weeknights, which is going to be good. I like this town, too. I think this stint will lead to other work at this school.

I will speak to husband as soon as I can and stress that a disorder is NOT his fault, but it must be addressed because of the impact it has on his loved ones, as well as health and safety issues. Maybe he will agree to having a professional hoarder-cleaner in every few months, but he must seek help. I have informed him before that I resent having sunk money into a place that isn't finished or being properly looked after. I don't think it's unreasonable to feel resentful.

I agree that encouragement is better than an ultimatum, but I will discreetly speak to the local women's legal service. I actually do have a legal background and heaps of lawyer friends and family, but I don't want to involve them. It would humiliate my husband and I'm not willing to do that. My sister and her husband are lawyers, but my sister and I have had a fractious relationship over the years (not so bad now), and she's always been a bit offhand about mine and my brother's spouses (I think my sister is a snot, to be honest!).

Re: Okay, it might be time for tough love

smallwolf — Wed, 15 Jul 2026 12:08:43 GMT

Hello again,

I am unsure exactly which reply I was posting to in this thread. Really sorry. But this time I am certain! You said...

"I will speak to husband as soon as I can and stress that a disorder is NOT his fault, but it must be addressed because of the impact it has on his loved ones, as well as health and safety issues."

My psych told me a story about a farmer and a sheep. Each morning, the farmer let the sheep into the paddock. At the end of each day, the farmer would then call the sheep back. In the day time, the sheep would make its way to furthest point from the gate. When called by the farmer to come in, the sheep would take a well worn track. The "problem" with the track was somewhat long and windy and take longer than it could. One day, sheep decided to run from that furthest point straight to the gate. On this first occasion, this was an unpleasant trip - there were stones on the ground and sticks getting in the way if not the longer grass compared with the smooth well-trodden path. Pained by what happened on the first day, on the next day, sheep went back to the old track. Again it took longer. For the next few days sheep would flip-flop between the old and new paths. As sheep did this, the new track, ever slowly, became smoother - the rocks and branches would be kicked off the new path. The existing path became rougher from lack of use. Then there came a point where the new track became smoother than the old track. The new track would become the chosen path. But every once in a while the old path, hardly visible, would be used.

Also, there are ways to addressing the situation that helps you to 'get what you want' without putting the other person down. And the fact you mention the health and safety issues also shows that you care about him. I hope it works out for you both.