topic Re: Separation Anxiety in Anxiety

Separation Anxiety

Jay_ — Tue, 20 Jan 2026 23:50:15 GMT

if im being honest i feel a little stupid mentioning this as i constantly try my best to ignore it, and i dont mention it to anyone but my partner.

Im not really sure where to start with this but put simply i have major separation anxiety and its affecting my relationship with my partner (Female) who for the sake of this post we will call "K".

my partner K and i have been together for 7 months coming up on 8 months now, i have had really bad separation anxiety since i was a child, which i didnt realise i had it nor how bad it was until about 11/12 months ago, When i was younger (around 6/7 years old) my parents split, and i stayed with my mother, i also had a huge disdain towards my father and hated him throughout my life, he died when i was about 10 or 11 and i actively refused to go to his funeral because i hated him that much and was even glad that he died. or more so thats what i thought. when my current partner and i got together i had just gotten out of a long term (2 year) relationship 3 months before hand
my partner K and i around our 1.5 month mark, decided to have some drinks one night (it was my first time drinking so we did it in her room just us 2, as i had always avoided drinking because i was scared to find out what kind of drunk i was) clearly that fear was a valid one as after about 6 drinks i was completely drunk (though i still remember everything clear as day) i ended up having a full mental breakdown where all of my pent up trauma finally came out including some i didnt even know i had, as i had apparently said "i miss my father, i dont even know why but i miss him" i had gone my entire life up to that point believing i didnt care about him but apparently i did.

Anyway, fastforwarding a couple months, around our 4 month mark or so my separation anxiety towards K had gotten really bad, anytime we argued (i say argued loosely here) or anytime she was angry at me, i would instantly go into a panic where i cant help but be in fear that she is going to leave me (writing this out is infact causing me to slowly head towards that right now), as the following few months pass leading up to current time. it has only gotten worse, if i even feel her vibe is off im instantly panicking thinking to myself "Is she losing interest, does she want to leave, does she still love me, do i make her happy" etc.
I cant help but constantly be in fear that im going to lose her and i really dont want to because she makes me so happy, i just want to fix this.

Re: Separation Anxiety

indigo22 — Wed, 21 Jan 2026 01:07:24 GMT

Hello,
Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

What you are describing is a classic abandonment issue. I suspect you not so much hated your father, but held your anger toward him for what you perceived as being abandoned by him. When we are young, we don't have the life experience to make sense of these situations and it can affect us in various ways. You have carried that feeling with you into adulthood because it was not dealt with at the time and is now stuck within the body.

Did your father keep in contact with you after he left? If not, this would further reinforce the feeling of abandonment. I suspect it also caused you self-doubt, insecurity, low self-esteem along with many other feelings. Underneath all of that is the child who needed her dad and was missing him.

The best thing you can do for yourself is start with your GP. Make a long appointment so you have time to talk about what you are experiencing. From there your GP can set up a mental health care plan for you to have counselling to get to the root of the issues you were dealing with back then, that are causing you distress in the present.

There is nothing wrong with you that needs to be fixed, you simply need to explore the emotions that you were too young to know what to do with in order to heal the hurt that this trauma caused. You need to talk with someone who knows how to help you heal.

I hope this helps and please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish.
Thinking of you with care,
indigo

Re: Separation Anxiety

Jay_ — Wed, 21 Jan 2026 02:07:45 GMT

Hey indigo

to answer your question my father did keep in contact as my parents ended up doing split custody for a while, but my father was abusive and i would often times come back home to my mother with bruises.

I did try the route of going to a gp before and had a mental health plan made earlier this year, i then went to my local headspace but the waiting list was upwards of 3 months, so my mother said not to bother and i havent gone to any therapy since that.

im not really sure what else to say sorry

Re: Separation Anxiety

indigo22 — Wed, 21 Jan 2026 03:04:47 GMT

Hi Jay_,

I’m glad you have looked into therapy, but I am so sorry you experienced trauma at the hands of your father, no child should ever have to experience abuse. I understand now where your feelings came from, but at the same time feel that what you were missing was a kind and loving dad which you deserved but didn’t have.

Headspace is not your only option, I would like to suggest contacting the below helplines that deal with the issues you have had on a daily basis and should be able to give you some advice on the help available to you in your local area as well as give you the support you need now. Since I don’t know your age group, they are both very good and will be helpful to you, if one is not right for your age group, the other will be.

I’m sorry, but I disagree with what your mother said, it is important that you begin to get some help with this so it doesn’t remain an ongoing issue for you in the future. I feel sure you would not want to feel the way you do now for the rest of your life. Your inner child is running your reactions to life and your relationships and that child was traumatised by their experiences, that child needs to be healed in order for you to react to life and relationships from the perspective of an adult.

Kid’s Helpline – available 24/7 – up to 25 years of age – 1800 55 1800

1800Respect – available 24/7 – domestic violence and abuse – 1800 737 732

Not all therapists are created equal. If you did not find therapy helpful previously, it is likely that the therapist was not the right one for you. You may need to try a few to find one you feel is right for you.

I am here to support you should you want to talk more about this,
indigo

Re: Separation Anxiety

Eagle Ray — Wed, 21 Jan 2026 07:35:20 GMT

Hi Jay_ (and wave to indigo),

It is very understandable to be experiencing separation anxiety after what you experienced as a child. It's brave of you to reach out here for some support. I also hated my dad when growing up. For me that went through my childhood and teenage years, but unlike you my dad lived until I was 41 years old so it gave us a chance to work things out when I was an adult. My dad was also abusive, but my parents did not split up as yours did. With my mum, who died when I was 45, things never got to fully resolve, so I know it can feel really hard when there is a kind of incomplete situation with a parent and your emotions are kind of frozen in that time and space of non-resolution.

What you describe with the panic with your partner when you fear separation and abandonment can be a disorganised attachment style which is not unusual from the situation you were in. It may help to do some research around disorganised attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment etc. I developed a very avoidant style of attachment (e.g. I just mostly avoided attaching all together), but the fact you have managed to get into a relationship is a positive thing and is an opportunity to grow and learn with your partner. Are you able to discuss these feelings with her and do you feel she is someone who is likely to be supportive and understanding?

At the moment I can sense from what you describe that you are entering that panic zone with her, and I understand how even writing about it can be triggering. What I have learned over time is these reactions can gradually be lessened as the nervous system learns it doesn't need to be on high alert and it is possible to feel safe and secure in relationship. It may well be worth revisiting the mental health care plan and booking in an appointment with Headspace, because even if it's a 3 month wait you will get to speak to someone eventually and they can support you with these kinds of issues. If you can connect with a good therapist, that is often a great starting point for learning healthy attachment through working with a mental health professional who sees you and validates your emotions and experiences. If you wanted to see someone sooner and you can pay the Medicare gap, you could also look for a psychologist who works with attachment and complex trauma (given your experience with your dad). Always make sure you feel comfortable with any therapist you work with and with whom you feel you can build rapport and trust.

Some other resources that may be helpful include looking into information on the "window of tolerance" and "Polyvagal theory" and the "Polyvagal chart" which illustrates how we can move through different stages in our nervous system. It is about finding safety in our social engagement with others through the ventral vagal system which is our rest and digest mode, when we feel relaxed and safe. For some of us, while growing up we were chronically in fight, flight or freeze states and it is more challenging to access feelings of safety. I won't go into too much detail here as it will get too long, but looking into that sort of thing may be helpful in learning to regulate your nervous system and finding ways to feel safe. It may be worth reflecting on what does help you to feel more safe and connected (e.g. hobbies, time in nature, whatever that looks like for you) and even sharing some of those experiences with your partner if she is open to it.

What we worry about tends to be so much worse than what actually happens in life, especially when carrying the baggage of the past. There are ways to work through these challenges and sometimes we just need some support and to do some research into ourselves to find our way through.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray

Re: Separation Anxiety

melodica — Wed, 21 Jan 2026 12:51:02 GMT

Hello,

I can really relate to what you've shared. I've experienced that fear of abandonment too, and it's taken a lot of work to start breaking the pattern.

Reframing has helped me. that's when I stop and look at the situation differently instead of trusting the fear. If my partner seems quiet, instead of thinking "they're losing interest," I remind myself they might just be tired or focused on something else. It doesn't make the fear disappear, but it helps me think more clearly.

Open communication makes a real difference. My partner lets me know if plans change or if they'll be late, which helps me feel more secure. I've also learned that trauma can cause attachment wounds. times in life when we didn't feel safe or supported. Seeing a therapist has helped me work through this, along with calling the blue knot hotline which can offer support and counselling.

This is still a work in progress for me, and some days are harder than others. You're not alone in feeling this way, and reaching out shows real courage.

Re: Separation Anxiety

ViolettaZ — Thu, 22 Jan 2026 01:24:24 GMT

Hi Jay,

Thank you for opening up and sharing this with us.

You are not stupid for mentioning this. What you described sounds very heavy, and it can indeed affect your relationship. Childhood loss and unresolved grief can show up in ways we don’t expect, especially when we finally feel safe with someone we love.

It’s clear how much you care about K and how afraid you are of losing her. That constant fear and panic sounds exhausting, and I’m sorry you’re going through that. The fact that you’re aware of it and want to address it already says a lot about you.

I agree with the other members’ suggestion that seeing a counselor might be helpful.

In addition, you may be able to sit down with K and have an open conversation so K can better understand what’s happening for you internally. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Warm regards,🤗
ViolettaZ