topic Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want. in Anxiety

Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

criss — Wed, 11 Jan 2023 11:02:42 GMT

I've lived alone for years, had relationships on and off that didn't work. Never married. I spent a long time alone working on myself, my home, I travelled and did all I could to follow my truth, be honest with others, work hard and overcome my own issues at times. For the most part, outwardly I seem like I have done good. Many of those years alone I felt comfort knowing I was free to live my truth, even when I struggled I got up and kept going. I guess I believed that one day, things would fall in to place and someone would appear in my life that would complement and add that missing element. That hasn't happened. I don't worry about needing someone to live with, to offer me financial security or anything like that. I'm used to living on my own.

However, the last few years I feel so very sad and empty inside. I can't even talk to friends about it because often they tell me how envious of my freedom they are and don't hear me. I look at joining groups, classes like I used too etc but nothing inspires me any more. I feel the world has changed around me, things aren't how they used to be. I do not find online meetup and social media at all fulfilling and don't participate although I have recently been tempted to a virtual other world platform simply to be able to feel like I can find connection. When I think about meeting someone new and a possible relationship I'm frozen and fearful and question myself whether I really want someone new because I don't trust whats out there. Many do not reveal themselves honestly any more. I look forward to work for the activity and friendships but my life at home feels so empty. I've been tempted to contact old flames just for the connection, but I've done that before and it always ends badly where I regret calling. I stop myself each time I think this way now for fear of making the wrong decision in reaching out as I have experienced alot of disappointment and let down in my life and do not want to feel that pain again. So, I'm stuck.

I'm not sure what to do from here in my life. I'm in my mid fifties, and keeping it together barely internally. Just reaching out here for so feedback and to be heard.

Thanks in advance for reading my post and sharing...

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

geoff — Wed, 11 Jan 2023 21:54:47 GMT

Hello criss, being alone is what many people want but are unable to do so because friends and/or family keep contacting them, which proves to be another problem.

It's a different situation where you might decide to contact old friends etc, and because their life may have changed by getting married, moving away or struggling themselves this may not be necessarily be appropriate, simply because they may not be interested.

Times for everyone have changed, may be caused by COVID, so people view their own position in another way, where some are highly sensitive and others don't particularly care, but this still doesn't mean they want to make friends.

If you have been disappointed and been through more than you want to cope with then these issues need to be solved so at last you can be at peace, and until this is done then you will only be hovering around, asking yourself questions you don't know the answer to and unable to move forward.

This really needs to be done so that you aren't caught up being in the 'limbo', not sure.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

Beaser — Wed, 11 Jan 2023 22:54:32 GMT

Hi Criss.

I feel i have followed a similar path. Im in my mid to late 50s and had numerous relationships but they have all failed for some reason. I too have the urge to reach out to exes have resisted of late. I know its hard but i believe your doing the right thing. I just want you to know that your not alone and you have a safe and healthy place to talk here. Brett.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

criss — Thu, 12 Jan 2023 01:05:15 GMT

Thankyou, yes u r so right.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

criss — Thu, 12 Jan 2023 01:14:15 GMT

Thankyou Brett. It is comforting somewhat knowing others experience the same. It is overwhelming at times and difficult to share when one has been independent for so long. Sometimes people forget when in relationships that being independent does not mean one does not suffer silent issues of one some sort. In many cases one suffers alone and there are no crutches, or useful reasons to blame it on, not that i want that, but many do stay in relationships for the wrong reasons. I guess what im trying to say is that, telling someone they have no reason to feel how they feel simply because of being free is very hurtful in itself and causes regression and witdrawal. Independence and freedom takes courage and facing life head on..but one still needs understanding and consideration.

Thankyou for your post.🙂

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

Guest_1584 — Thu, 12 Jan 2023 10:13:54 GMT

Hi there op.

l agree with others about the ex's. l mean unless it was that one in particular and there was that powerful one off thing between you that would've could've but it was more so just some circumstance that caused the break up - maybe things have changed now and that thing is still there. That happened to my brother and they got back together 6yrs later, married ever since. The rest though nah , they became ex for reasons and your better of moving on imo.

But yeah , the rest , it is a strange thing and hard to know. Me l'm later 50s now was married 20yrs then with someone else but which has now just recently ended and so l'm finding myself with all the same feelings.

l've wondered if love could ever find me again now and ldk how to feel about things if not.

As Geoff said though many people would love to be alone and many are and prefer it and ldk. Sometimes lately l do chuckle to myself at least and of what a life l have now pleasing myself doing what l want living how l choose and the Gods know one thing, it's certainly a lot easier than being married or in a serious relationship that is for sure.

But at the same time too, l am in two minds atm bc l do also miss many things in being two rather than one.

l probably would like to remarry over all though never the less if l ever have the opportunity again buttttt, well , as a back up plan this ain't half bad either.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

criss — Thu, 12 Jan 2023 10:23:40 GMT

Thanks randomx

Good to have this discussion and here different points of view. Comforting to know I'm not alone in these thoughts.

Thankyou.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

Guest_1584 — Thu, 12 Jan 2023 13:23:57 GMT

Thanks criss and yeah look it's been something l've been thinking about a lot myself since we broke up a few mths ago. So it's good bumping into a few guys here to of similar ages and so times in life and thinking about it all to.

How is your situation where you live , have you thought about moving to more opportunity ?

That's a big thing for me now bc l feel if l stay here single l may well stay that way. l men maybe not you never do know and l do have some great towns nearby that l use a lot my my immediate town itself , l don't think there is one single female in the whole place tbh.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

criss — Fri, 13 Jan 2023 04:02:28 GMT

Im happy where I live and worked hard to make a small home for myself. Through each relationship in my past, I maintained my own home separately. It was a sense of safety and security I built for myself not having had that feeling growing up. That, I am glad for because each time things failed I felt good knowing I had my own safe haven at home to withdraw to. I was not given much growing up so I needed to make a home that was mine instead of risk doing it with someone else. I guess I had trust issues there because one of my parents was hopeless with money and subsequently home never felt settled. Simply, I am proud that I survived thrived in this part of life but to the detriment I guess of not finding security within a relationship that I so would have liked. Some of the years, mostly thru 40s till now I felt ok about it all. Freedom for me felt good. Do what I want like you said. I guess I am at a point of questioning alot of stuff cause I am getting older. I do like to socialise and get out and about, but am finding my friends changing, slowing down, withdrawing, illnesses or issues of their own and often, because if this for me, loneliness sets in. I never quite understood it till now. I am glad for these platforms though. Posting helps clear through pent up emotions. I think I would like to be able to find an outlet that brings me more meaning and clarity about life but at the same time some enjoyment. Working odd hours has not helped me however as I need to work I persevere. I guess to answer your question, I dont really desire moving anywhere. Moreso, I desire more meaning and a sense of purpose, clarity and maybe connection in life that I seem to have lost lately. Thats why I question whether I should be in a relationship. But, you know what, I have always felt that these things cannot be forced they should come naturally and that just has not happened for me. Then I get the questions or comments from family or friends that I should go out and make it happen. When I have tried I have not met anyone that I feel comfortable enough with. I begin questioning myself, shaming myself that I am broken somehow. These thoughts and feelings pervade within me slowly eroding my sense of confidence and self and then I get really down and withdrawn. So yeah, maybe most of the work I need to do is internal but I struggle with that. A thought that just occurred to me was that, even people in relationships have these internal struggles.

Criss

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

Guest_1584 — Fri, 13 Jan 2023 11:26:04 GMT

Yeah fully agree l mean growing up in however we did , later gives us the direction in the ways we do or don't want our lives to be as adults imo. l've always thought that and l've always tried to point my life into the directions and ways l've wanted or felt l've needed instead. The house to is a big thing and if you do become involved again you can always rent yours or hers out l say.

But naturally , yeah. ln this day and age of the internet and date sites and people busy or else often locked away at home on pc's now or movies at a whim , instead of getting out like we use too, yeah , it's hard to know isn't it.

Although we have only recently become officially broken up , it's actually been nearly two yrs mostly as she had to go back up home way back for legal matters and we'd actually been long distance since and had only seen ea other 3 or 4 times in 2yrs. So kind of recent but in reality, pretty well apart for a long time actually anyway. So at the same time l've also been adjusted to us probably not working it out for a long long time now and l've had a lot more time and loneliness to think about the what if's than it would seem and that l ain't getting any younger either.

l've been torn about making it happen to though and always wondered if you could even do that anyway tbh. l'd had the same result myself to anytime l did try back in younger days. l work at home now have for yrs but l do also get out and about a lot to through the wk and often do also try to do at least one thing out somewhere one day of a wkend or every 2nd too. lt's odd though and has been right through life back to younger days but when l did actually have a realistic possible encounter it was always in an accidental one off moment type situation. Where l was caught so of guard that next minute boom the opportunity was gone again anyway. So l really dk about that one.

l joined a date site last wk and l've been just looking about , ldk.

My brother is your age and he uses them and gave me the run down.

lt all feels very very weird though l must admit and l have wondered well , what will become of life if l do just live and let the universe decide , dk that either.

l only know that l've been very very lonely 2yrs now and that l would like to be in something real and lasting.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

Guest_1584 — Fri, 13 Jan 2023 11:55:20 GMT

ps , and yeah too there is all sorts of situations even people in relationships or marriages are in where it can actually be a lot harder if anything being two in many ways, especially if kids are involved.

l was talking about the making it happen thing with a female friend a few yrs back actually and l must admit we were agreeing on thoughts about all that stuff.

We were saying it wasn't so much about actually going out there and expecting to make it happen as such, but more a frame of mind. A bit like say ok l am ready and l'd really like to meet someone. And just that attitude and vibe just more so kind of sending it out there so to speak in your everyday life and in things you do within your persona, a bit like turn that switch on. like they say you attract what you feel in life and l personally believe that to be true in many ways. And so in opening that door again, kind of turning on that switch - l believe as with many things in life , it may just open you up and that door , into not really making it happen but more kind of allowing it too, or even subconsciously leading you in situations where it could.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

criss — Fri, 13 Jan 2023 20:37:22 GMT

Yeah, good words. Allowing it to happen when ready instead of making it happen. I figured by a certain age I'd be ready inside but I guess we are ready when we are ready to allow it.

Thanks and good journey forward to u too, c how we go.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

Jem73 — Sat, 14 Jan 2023 00:55:19 GMT

Hi,

You post was the summary of my life. I was keeping it all together until recently. Had a recent relationship that is more familiar than health. It was something that gave me excitement and chaos. It gave me a break from thinking of my inadequacy. But I am a incredibly emotional person who hides my authentic self because it's shameful. Tought and in control has always been the way to go. I ended the relationship because I was suffocating myself because he didn't want to make the relationship officially or share with his family and friends. I am 40. It should be getting easy. But I can't find my centre. I am drowning and can't seems to come up for air. I don't know how I can keep up. I want a relationship to work so I have a end date for my miserable existence.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

criss — Sat, 14 Jan 2023 01:29:08 GMT

Hi Jem

I relate to being tough and in control the way to go...it was the only way in my life to keep going, being self sufficient and it came from a place of not trusting enough anyone to rely on because of being disappointed so much it hurt. But recently i found i can no longer sustain being like this. It gets harder holding it together I know. What we need is to learn to allow little snippets of patience calm and tolerance for others just as much for ourselves and even in the face of adversity and misunderstanding. Ive been reading about acceptance and sitting with what is internally at any given moment and letting things be as they are. Its hard when yr so used to otherwise. Its also hard because it does not help the loneliness factor when you most need someone. But, it helps moment to moment when there are no other answers.

Im not sure about the notion there is someone for everyone but, i have come to understand being alone/lonely at times in life cant be escaped and i for one am really trying to navigate how to best help myself thru it whether it be keeping busy, exersize, going for walks or just sitting in nature riding it out. Knowing we are not alone in these thoughts for me has been uplifting. Talking it out like here...well im grateful.

Take care. One day at a time. My motto, get up and keep going..

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

Guest_1584 — Sat, 14 Jan 2023 04:39:27 GMT

Hi there jem.

l'm sorry about things needing to end with him but it is true he should've wanted this and been proud of it .

l think it's hard for either these days but at 40, there's still plenty of time for you at least that's one thing and you never just know what might happen or be around the next bend and he might even e able to understand your condition .

l do get the tough exterior too though probably not to your degree and l've never really liked needing to be that way in life either. Butttt, it seems with just life itself and the kicks that it gives , l've just found it easier to cope and brush off, even if that isn't real.

Take care of yourself.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

HelloGail — Sat, 14 Jan 2023 06:24:33 GMT

😊I read your concerns of feeling empty but there is no mention of animals eg pets etc. Would you consider adopting a pet? Cats are great to have, they can sense our feelings, especially when we're sad, they come gently onto your lap or behind your head if you're sitting on a couch. I am lonely and am planning to get a cat also maybe a dog too. If this is not possible, seek voluntary work on days when you're not working. I attended Relationship Australia last week and they are going to help me look at joining a coffee club though I don't drink coffee or tea but it will be a place where I can listen and chat with other people seeking company. So you're a mature 50's person, there are lots of community organisations to join. I just haven't done it and I am 62. I keep putting it off but now I know I need to do something as there is just so much gardening I have done and achieved, what's next I ask. Maybe we are just meant to be single. There are lots of positives, we just have to worry about ourselves and that is why we must keep busy and active. Good luck, in the same boat as you too.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

therising — Sat, 14 Jan 2023 16:35:38 GMT

Hi criss

You sound like an incredible achiever, having managed so much over time. If there is one thing all incredible achievers have in common it's evolution. They achieve evolution in so many different forms. They are always evolving through something, most often challenges of some nature. There is nothing quite like evolving with someone. Whether it's a friend, parent, partner, child, work colleague or even a stranger who we're on the same page as (like in some human rights movement, for example), to evolve together with someone has a definite feel to it. The longing to do so can become so intense. It can be such a soulful kind of longing.

I think one of the issues with reaching a time in life when everyone around us seems to have settled down is...you can still feel yourself with that need to rise up (not settle down). There's still that need to evolve, not stand still. Finding someone to evolve with can be tough, especially when we're in our 50s. I'm a 52yo gal, btw and a slow learner in some ways. While I've managed to raise myself in so many ways in life, it's only in the last year or so of a 20 year marriage that I've come to understand how depressing and lonely that marriage has been, for so long. My husband's most often a settler who does not like change. If I want change, I typically have to do it on my own. While a different form of loneliness, I can relate to the feeling of loneliness.

I've learned if you're a natural seeker of change, seek groups of people who are in the process and practice of change. They'll be soulful people, typically. They'll be doing things that 'feed the soul'. Whether they're soulful thrill seekers jumping out of planes or abseiling off cliffs or those who are seeking a strong mind/body/spirit connection through yoga, meditation, connecting with nature (bush walking, for example), they all seek some form of evolution, some form of mental, physical/chemical and soulful change.

I've found with managing periods of depression over the years, it's one thing to feed the mind and body when it comes to optimal function and well being. Feeding the soul remains a part of a three part challenge.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

criss — Sun, 15 Jan 2023 12:07:12 GMT

Thankyou the rising,

I really appreciate your uplifting words and also acknowledgement of things like soulful growth achievement, the need to evolve and grow etc...it resonates alot. I am seeking out more groups now, even study online that may challenge my mind and provide food for my deep thoughts and emotions. I think my biggest problem at the moment and for cthe longest time is my lack of routine in working hours. My work interferes with my ability to commit to regular days each week to join anything however I am pondering various ways around this and hopefully soon will make a decision to prioritise my time.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

Guest_1584 — Sun, 15 Jan 2023 12:27:15 GMT

l was a painter for a long time and on top of that l have always been in over load creatively and depth in many and any ways so l know the feeling. But especially through my painting years but later within life in general too, l've had no choice no choice in finding and developing ways of slowing myself down - a lot.

lt's taken about 10yrs to get to where l'm at these days and a into very nice more at peace mind type place but l've been so glad that l've been able to find it and the calm is just heaven.

Re: Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

Beaser — Sat, 21 Jan 2023 19:08:30 GMT

Hi Criss.

Just wanted to say a quick hello . Youre story really resonates with me in many ways. I hope your going ok. Always happy to talk. Brett.