topic Re: Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up. in Anxiety

Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

Beaser — Sun, 14 Aug 2022 20:25:36 GMT

Hi and best wishes.

When im around friends everything seems better . I forget and relax and dont tend to be honest about how tough im doing things. When im home alone things really hit me and i get distraught again and i wish i had of opened up about just how hard im finding things .. Ive made a decision to be honest with people but i dont because im feeling ok at the time. I was wondering do other people have similar experiences. Brett

Hello Beaser! Thank you so much for taking the time to p...

Sophie_M — Sun, 14 Aug 2022 20:48:57 GMT

Hello Beaser!

Thank you so much for taking the time to post such an excellent and fundamental question around anxiety! This one will be good for many to read!

Yes! What you are describing is the effect of Distracting / Refocusing and other similar techniques used in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - and indeed many therapeutic techniques aimed squarely at anxiety and depression generally. Many great techniques in therapy really are just taking protective things that the brain does subconsciously and making them conscious and effort based!

Anxiety Disorder's main power is taking the level of 'Overthinking' that we all quite naturally do in the background and amplifying it to an absurd degree - allowing that overthinking to take over the roles of intuition, creativity, and a lot of other functions and then - and this is the part that usually leads to diagnosis- making the whole thing very negative, lonely and/or fearful.

So naturally when we can manage to Distract by giving our brain a lot of fun work to do (like processing social situations) the anxiety gets forced out of the picture for the moment - you are probably still aware on some level that things feel rough right now, but it’s not the important focus. When stuck at home alone however......

So two things that you have hinted at for yourself beautifully, Beaser, is:
1) When alone, find ways for the brain to still have enjoyable and proactive things to target and focus on, even if it is just making sure the kitchen is clean to a standard you like, or similar, and
2) Be Honest!! Distraction and Positive Mentality are powerful! But they can become a mask for the problems as well. Try not to let yourself drag down the positives you are having, but also let close friends and family know what is happening behind the scenes. You are allowed a Safety Blanket AND a Lifeline. It need not be one or the other!

Thank you for asking such an important question, Beaser! Please remember if you are feeling truly stuck when alone, you can reach out to us on 1300 22 4636!

Regards,

Sophie M.

Re: Hello Beaser! Thank you so much for taking the time to p...

Beaser — Sun, 14 Aug 2022 22:03:21 GMT

Than you Sophie. I appreciate as always your thoughtful reply. I do hope as you say that some others will find this topic of some help. I am trying to do things as you say tidy things a bit and even keep myself neat and tidy which a times is even a struggle. I miss my ex partner so much and would love for things to return to how they were. Even my friends say that im going over things in regard to that. Surely its not just my fault that were apart. Beaser

Re: Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

jaz28 — Sun, 14 Aug 2022 23:30:19 GMT

Hi Brett,

I am sorry you feel this way. I think it is helpful to feel safe and comfortable around your friends, it is good that you are able to forget about your troubles and relax with them. However, good friends will be there for you in times of need, they cannot be your rock, but they will be there to lend a helping hand. Next time you feel upset, you could call or text a close friend to see if they have time to talk. Or, try to distract yourself in other ways when you are alone.

I think being alone can be uncomfortable because we are alone with our thoughts, but you can also choose to make it a productive time and try to sit with these thoughts and figure out ways to work through them.

I hope things improve for you soon,

Jaz xx

Re: Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

On The Road — Mon, 15 Aug 2022 12:50:10 GMT

Hi Brett,

I think I have similar experiences, but I don't actually have best friends so generally when I'm with friends in general they think I'm ok just a bit down (as I usually am). I tend to keep to myself, occasionally I need distractions, so I opened up a bit and spoke out about some struggles selectively some of them via text, social media etc, or a meetup in coffee shops if I'm lucky.

I still maintain my boundary tho, I didn't want them to think I'm clingy, burdensome trouble 😅 It made me feel much better to talk with someone and they don't have to be my soulmates. and I'm hoping to put my heart out more, and disclose more to make meaningful connections.

It may not be the best way, but I did feel much better after some talks, I learnt my lessons and don't put too high expectations on friendship.

Re: Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

geoff — Mon, 15 Aug 2022 20:31:20 GMT

Hello Brett, if someone is suffering from any type of depression, you can still have a good time when you're with your friends, you can laugh, share jokes and feel relaxed, but as soon as they go, back down you go to feeling what you've been struggling with.

Your partner/spouse may believe that you are over this illness and feel relieved, but when they go and fall backwards again, they can't understand why this happens and may become annoyed themselves, asking why are you 'fine' when they're with you and you're not with me.

If you own up to these friends, they will only say 'well you're having a good time now and find it difficult to believe' unless they have been through this themselves.

There are only a few you can tell, because not everyone will understand or know what to say and telling the wrong person can lead to many other problems, which you want to avoid.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

Beaser — Tue, 16 Aug 2022 01:38:32 GMT

Thanks again Geoff. When you say opening up to the wrong person i was wondering problems you mean it could cause. I have no real family to open up to and i think i have suprised some people who i have opened up to. Best wishes my friend, Brett

Re: Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

Mark Z. — Tue, 16 Aug 2022 10:33:37 GMT

Hi Brett,

I think your reaction is quite reasonable. It's much harder to open up with a group of friends isn't it? Maybe you can try to have one on one chat with your best friend. For example, invite him/her to have a coffee, or have a walk in the park. It should be easier for you to speak out.

If it's still hard for you, maybe you can try to share your story here? We're ready to listen and help.

Mark

Re: Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

Beaser — Tue, 16 Aug 2022 22:43:54 GMT

Thanks Mark. I have posted pretty much all of my story here at times . I recently left my job of 13 years and have seperated from my partner. I miss her so much but i also want respect her wish for space. Im just so lonely at the moment i have no family to call on. It sounds strange but i would just love to have someone to give them a cuddle and tell each other things will be ok.. Fancy a 56 year old man feeling that way. Beaser.

Re: Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

Mark Z. — Wed, 17 Aug 2022 10:38:21 GMT

Hi Beaser,

I think I can understand you. Do you want to try some volunteer job in your community? It'll be even better if it matches your hobby or interest. It sounds a bit weird to encourage you to support others when you yourself are still vulnerable, but it works for me.

I feel fulfilled when I can contribute and get grateful feedback, such feeling is hard to explain but I do feel I'm part of something bigger and I am needed. Is it similar to the feeling you're looking for? Just make sure to start with something simple and easy to avoid any possible burnout.

Mark

Re: Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

white knight — Wed, 17 Aug 2022 10:51:57 GMT

Hi Brett

Imagine an astronaut visiting your home. He/she tries to explain how they walked on the moon and all the operations needed. Would you ever get a "feeling" of what it was like? I don't think so.

The same with mental health issues, we can explain away to family and friends but trying to describe depression, something they cannot see nor feel, leaves them with an response akin to hopelessness.

That's why this forum exists and why we have professionals helping the unwell.

So my advice is- have no expectations of understanding from others except for those that have lived with a mental health problem.

TonyWK

Re: Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

geoff — Wed, 17 Aug 2022 15:43:20 GMT

Hello Brett, 'opening up to the wrong person' and I'm sure many of us have actually done this because of need or by mistake, because we aren't sure whether or not they are going to spread rumours to people who we don't want to know about as they may bully us, just for want of comtempt.

Even people we thought we could trust may suddenly turn against us, that's when it upsets us to know that they won't support us.

Stay safe my friend.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Re: Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

Beaser — Wed, 17 Aug 2022 20:04:23 GMT

Thanks Geoff I always appreciate hearing from you. Sadly with no family to turn to i have opened up to many people . I think ive been lucky in that i havent heard any thing bad come back . I guess though maybe i wouldnt.

Im struggling at the moment and i just find it hard not too. These forums and hearing back from people is one of my only saviours at the moment Thanks Geoff

Re: Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

confirmed08 — Fri, 19 Aug 2022 14:57:33 GMT

Hi Beaser,

Absolutely, I relate to this way too much. I cannot stand the idea of opening up to my friends or family. It always used to be that I felt great hanging out with them, but then alone I felt incredibly low. But now I just feel detached whenever I’m with them, like I don’t belong, leading to me beginning to isolate from them.

I hate the idea of burdening them with my worries and concerns, thinking they’ll find it too much like I believe my ex girlfriend did. The same with my family, I opened up once to them and it just lead to me feeling so much guilt for worrying and burdening them further.

Sounds like a great idea to choose to be honest with people. Not only is it a great quality to have, but I’m sure by discussing these feelings with them, it will only lead to good things. Glad to hear you are taking good steps to push past the uncomfortably of talking about these things.

Apologies for it becoming more of a discussion about myself, just trying to relate to yourself and your situation 🙂

Take care!

Re: Not talking about my anxiety around friends when you want to open up.

Beaser — Fri, 19 Aug 2022 20:41:58 GMT

Thank you CO8

Dont apologise for anything as its great to hear from you . Thanks for your words of support and sharing your story. Im always happy to talk further.

Brett