topic Leaving a toxic energy behind in Anxiety

Leaving a toxic energy behind

PsychedelicFur — Wed, 24 Mar 2021 21:09:01 GMT

Hello there,

a couple of days ago I had come to the realisation that I needed to leave my very destructive and toxic relationship. I found the courage and strength within me to leave.

I had been dating my partner for ten months. And throughout those ten months it had been a very rocky experience. This was my first ever real relationship.

Name calling had been happening when I got anxious. This particular person would get angry with me and start calling me ‘pathetic’ and ‘childish’ when I wanted comfort and hugs during a panic attack.
He told me that the reason he would get angry and treat me poorly was because I made him get that way by being anxious.

when I went to hospital for suicidal thoughts he hadn’t spoken to me all day because of an episode of me overthinking over text prior to that day. He then rang me up and abused me on the phone saying ‘maybe you need to lose me, someone you love in order to realise your a horrible person.’ And ‘if your trying to make me feel sorry for you then you can stop trying.’

he also use to pick on my appearance knowing very well that I had insecurities and issues that led back to my mum being emotionally abusive towards me.
calling me a 6/10. When I hadn’t been asking him to even rate my looks. Telling me I also look embarrassing in my flamboyant clothing. And that I was plus size too when others and even medial professionals tell me I’m not.

he would sometimes not drive me home and I would have to catch the train home by myself without him even walking me to my platform. I felt very unloved and lonely.

then when I would have anxiety episodes and overthink he would ignore me for hours on end by not responding to my calls or text messages. Then blaming me for making him angry. He would say things like ‘if you didn’t do that then I would not have treated you that way.”

Part of me feels very liberated and empowered that I decided to leave. Another part of me feels upset and so very heartbroken.

I know deep down I have done the right thing for my mental health and well-being. And people, who I trust deeply around me have told me so too. As they have watched me face the challenges and pressure this relationship has put me through. I have been reading books about feminism and practicing self care and love routines. As well as reading articles about narcissistic abuse.

I’m in a weird situation,

need some more insight.
PF

Leaving a toxic energy behind

Sophie_M — Wed, 24 Mar 2021 21:59:52 GMT

Hi PsychedelicFur,

Thank you so much for reaching out to us so openly today. We're sorry you're reeling with thoughts and emotions about leaving your relationship but sounds like you decided to prioritise your mental wellbeing, which is great.

Our community is here to provide you with as much support, advice, understanding and conversation as you need. However, as you know, the peer support offered here while often quick is not immediate. If you feel like you need more urgent support please don't hesititate to reach out to our Support Service on 1300 22 4636.

We also want to let you and anyone reading this that we've closed a few of your older threads, including:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/my-father-and-my-partner-don't-get-along

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/is-he-trying-to-change-me

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/anxiety-about-my-relationship-with-my-boyfriend

We do ask all users to stick to one thread per topic so that those in our community lending you support don't have to go hunting for other related fragments of your story and to spare you from having to repeat yourself.

Leaving a toxic energy behind

Petal22 — Thu, 25 Mar 2021 13:06:57 GMT

Hello PsychedelicFur,

Sorry you have been treated this way...... your partner knows nothing about mental health and how to care for you while you are experiencing this...... your partner should be supporting you....

I think you are doing the right thing by not being with your partner...

you will one day find someone who is genuine and wants the best for you...

stay strong

Leaving a toxic energy behind

PsychedelicFur — Fri, 26 Mar 2021 01:48:38 GMT

Thank you Petal22 for your kind words. Much appreciated.

I’m trying to heal but it is very very hard.

Leaving a toxic energy behind

Guest_4643 — Fri, 26 Mar 2021 11:48:59 GMT

Hey PsychedelicFur.

I'm so sorry to hear that you had this awful "person" in your life. None of what they said to you is true, I'm really sorry that happened to you and that you were suicidal from it. I hope you're safe now. Please know that they're the horrible "person", not you, you've done nothing wrong. I'm so sorry they treated you like that, they're the ones with issues, not you.

I hope you're safe and feeling ok, we're here for you.

Leaving a toxic energy behind

PsychedelicFur — Fri, 26 Mar 2021 12:19:28 GMT

Thank you so much mb20lover, your kind words are definitely much appreciated.

i feel relieved and liberated I found the strength within me to leave him. However I am worried. I miss him. I know he was bad for me. But I miss him. I never want to get back with him though. He will never change: he has been like this in the past with other relationships

Leaving a toxic energy behind

Guest_4643 — Fri, 26 Mar 2021 12:33:23 GMT

I know what you mean, I miss some people who were bad for me too. Maybe it's common, I'm not sure. And you're welcome.

Yes I'm proud of you for leaving him, well done. That took a lot of courage.

Leaving a toxic energy behind

PsychedelicFur — Fri, 26 Mar 2021 12:43:22 GMT

Emotional abuse leaves you in a state of denial and confusion. You are shown this side from the person you love so very dearly and that side is sadistic and evil.

It definitely took a lot of recognition towards the situation I was in and a decent amount of courage to leave him.

I was reading a feminism book written by Florence Given called ‘Women Don’t Owe You Pretty’ and it told me about verbally and emotionally abusive relationships. I had my suspicions earlier on in the relationship but this book really helped shape my perception and look at things outside of my rose coloured glasses.

Leaving a toxic energy behind

geoff — Fri, 26 Mar 2021 16:16:48 GMT

Hello PF, I am so sorry you have been caught up in relationship like this,especially your first real one that you had hoped would materialise into a long friendship, and in saying that we're pleased you have decided to leave.

It would leave you in a state of denial and confusion, only wishing that this wasn't to be the situation, unfortunately it is and he is most unlikely to change until he gets the help he needs, but at the moment that's not something you want to contend with, all you want is to have a person who truly loves and respects everything you do, then it also reciprocates doing whatever you can to cherish this relationship.

It does take great strength to up and leave and deserve all the support you are entitled to and really pleased you have posted.

There is much more we can assist you with and happy to help you.

Take care.

Geoff.

Leaving a toxic energy behind

PsychedelicFur — Fri, 26 Mar 2021 23:21:10 GMT

Hey there Geoff,

it was so much stress for me when being in the relationship. I knew it deserved more but I couldn’t seem to find the courage and strength within me to leave. I still love him which makes matters worse.

thanking you for the kind and supportive words.

Leaving a toxic energy behind

Guest_4643 — Sat, 27 Mar 2021 02:55:32 GMT

I agree. I haven't heard of her or that book, I'll check it out, thanks

Leaving a toxic energy behind

Guest_1643 — Sat, 27 Mar 2021 03:12:01 GMT

hey Psychadelic Fur

Firstly - I know i can't see you, but I want to tell you that are you beautiful, intelligent, your size doesn't matter (eveen though ur doctor clearly confirmed you're NOT plus size) and that none of what he says is true.
I wander if he is so insecure and wants to say these things to chip at ur confidence so u won't believe you are worthy of love. Beceause he knows you are. That's alarmingly obvious.

i read a cute book about breakups called "it's called a breakup because it's broken" which has some great tips about getting the strength to move on from a bad relationships.
I reckon the first step is acknowledging it's toxic, ur not imagining it, and calling it out.
I want to validate you that you're not imagining anything and you were insightful, smart and strong to leave this relationship. Good for u !!!

that book sounds awesome, i love getting recommendations from users here, i've already found quite a few books from thee threads and they've never disappointed... so i look forward to looking up the one you mentioned. Great title - women certainly should be allowed to b "unpretty" sad, confused, angry, strong, weak and everything in between, just as men are. xx

Leaving a toxic energy behind

PsychedelicFur — Sat, 27 Mar 2021 04:39:23 GMT

Hey there Sleepy21,

hope you are well. Thank you for the kind words and support. I very much appreciate it.

I will have a look at the book that you have recommended. Thank you for the recommendation!!

This individual that I dated was/is a very insecure person, I think. As I look back now at events and experiences I had with him I can see that he was/is bullied by his family for his weight and his exes don’t have nice things to say about him.

I think, more than anything he projected his feelings of inadequacy and insecurity on to me. Which is sad and I do deeply feel sorry towards the demons he has to live with.

however, with saying that my anxiety worsened when I got with him. I think I was trying to process the traumas. That’s why I would constantly question his love for me because I would see him saying things like ‘i love you’ or ‘I miss you’

However, I would look at his actions and they would say otherwise.

I would cry and he would tell me ‘stop making it a sob story’ and he even admitted to me that for the first few months of us dating he had feelings for another girl.

it hurts, tremendously because I loved him. I really did. I loved his soul. I loved the way he was when I met him. He was so gentle, charismatic, sensitive and passionate. And I grew enormous admiration for that.

Leaving a toxic energy behind

PsychedelicFur — Sat, 27 Mar 2021 05:50:09 GMT

I look back at old messages and cry. He was so gentle. And charming. And beautiful. So so beautiful.

and then this happened. I’m shocked. I’m confused. I’m feeling so many emotions as memories both good and bad return back to me.

Leaving a toxic energy behind

white knight — Sat, 27 Mar 2021 09:05:50 GMT

Hi, welcome

All replies have been wonderful here.

Can I ask you to read the following threads, just the first post.

We can talk about it when you like.

Google

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

TonyWK

Leaving a toxic energy behind

Guest_4643 — Sat, 27 Mar 2021 09:18:42 GMT

Hey PF. I know how you feel. I was mentally abused by someone I had a crush on (a guy, yes) in high school. I still have PTSD from it. We never dated. Turns out he liked me too. So I know how you feel, although it may be different because you dated this guy. I know the feeling of missing them, them being cute and sweet, then turning out to be the demon.

Leaving a toxic energy behind

PsychedelicFur — Mon, 29 Mar 2021 02:04:21 GMT

Hello there, hope you are all well.
Knowing he is not good to communicate with as he gaslighted me and treat me horribly, I am still so very tempted to text him. I have blocked him on both social media and phone. I know I have done the right thing and I don't want to get back with him considering all of the traumatic things I have been put through whilst dating him. I just miss his voice, when we texted and that companionship even though it was incredibly toxic.

Does anyone on here have any suggestions that could help me get over him more quickly? Or does anyone have any suggestions that could help me feel far less tempted to text or communicate with him? I do fully acknowledge that he is no good for me.

Thanking you in advance,

PsychedelicFur.

Leaving a toxic energy behind

Guest_1643 — Mon, 29 Mar 2021 03:02:13 GMT

try a detox

start with one week... and count each day that u don't speak

ull get strongr to see that u have willpower and hold the control. 1 day at a time...

Leaving a toxic energy behind

PsychedelicFur — Mon, 29 Mar 2021 03:34:07 GMT

Thanking you so much!!

Leaving a toxic energy behind

ecomama — Mon, 29 Mar 2021 06:18:20 GMT

Hey PF, I found your thread...

Yes.
Google the 180 strategy and the "Gray Rock" strategy.

I believe there are also online "No Contact Diaries" so you can write about your journey of going no contact.

I'm beat today, need a nap!

Will be back another time to see how you're going.

Love EM