topic Who do you go to? in Anxiety

Who do you go to?

Matt SA — Sat, 16 Jan 2021 01:09:43 GMT

So I’m 41 and am the person everyone in my family & friends group comes to when they need help. Inside I’m cracking under the pressure & I feel like when I’m pretty much in crisis I have no one to turn to. I’ve been seeing a psychologist and for the most part it goes well - but I still find when the pressure gets high I want to fall apart but feel so completely alone.

Who do you go to?

sunnyl20 — Sat, 16 Jan 2021 01:51:26 GMT

Hi Matt,

Welcome to the forums. I am really sorry you are feeling so alone. It is understandable that you would be feeling distressed and under pressure when others offload on you and seek help from you but that you feel you have nowhere to turn to for yourself. You do not need to answer this, but do you know why they are able to ask for help from you, but you cannot turn to them when you are in crisis? Is there anyone, other than your psychologist, who you have felt able to talk to and been able to talk to in the past about things like this?

I am really glad that you have the support of a psychologist, but from what you have described it sounds like you are wanting a bit of extra support. Have you considered contacting one of the online chat or phone lines available (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/national-help-lines-and-websites)? They can be really helpful when you feel you are not coping and struggling to know who to talk to or how to explain what is happening - I would really encourage you to have a look at this if you feel up to it.

Please do not hesitate to reach out on here when you would like to. We are here to listen. Take care.

Who do you go to?

White_Rose — Sat, 16 Jan 2021 02:08:53 GMT

Hello Matt

Welcome to the forum. This is a common but difficult situation. Once someone is known to be sympathetic to the difficulties of others It's hard for them to stop turning to you and hard for you to say you cannot manage their problems as well as those of everyone else.

Have you discussed this with your psychologist? When you see him/her they can talk to you for a defined length of time. I wonder if you can make this kind of approach with your family and friends. When they start talking you can say you are only able to offer them 30 minutes. I know some people will feel you are pushing them away but it could lead to a conversation about others wanting your support and how this is hard for you to manage. Perhaps run this past your psychologist first.

It can be helpful if you arrange to spend a couple of hours with someone you think may be able to offer you support. Go for a coffee and talk about what you need or would like. It may be difficult to start such a conversation but could help a lot. I often say it's easy for someone like me to make these suggestions but not necessarily easy for someone to carry them out. It's good you have the help of a psychologist to work through these options.

This is a quick reply to see how my suggestions feel.

Mary

Who do you go to?

Guest_4643 — Sat, 16 Jan 2021 02:26:25 GMT

Hey Matt SA, welcome to the forums.

It's lovely that you're there for other people, but you need to try and do some self care and be there for yourself too. I really do understand how hard that is, but you're most important. We're always here for you on the forums, you're in a safe, friendly, non judgemental place that is moderated. We understand you.

If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Please know that you're a good person for being there for other people, but self care for yourself is important also, whatever that may be, big or small. We're here for you.

Please take care of yourself and be safe.

Who do you go to?

Matt SA — Tue, 19 Jan 2021 08:16:47 GMT

Thanks for the super supportive replies people. You are absolutely right about self care, for me concepts to action can be hard. But I will make an effort! Does anyone else struggle thinking their problems are just not as bad as other peoples?

Who do you go to?

Guest_4643 — Tue, 19 Jan 2021 10:03:43 GMT

Hey Matt SA.

I agree, self care can be hard, I struggle with it myself. And yes about thinking struggles aren't as bad as others. But despite that, we're all (except me) worthy of love, care, understanding, kindness, and all good stuff in life.

Who do you go to?

sunnyl20 — Tue, 19 Jan 2021 10:48:40 GMT

Hey Matt SA,

Self care can be hard. But keep in mind, it doesn't have to be big, just small simple things: lying down and listening to your favourite music, watching a movie/show that you love, going for a walk in the sun, just something that gives you a little boost in your day and helps your mind - what might this look like for you?

And yes, definitely, it is not uncommon to compare oneself and one's problems to others. But maybe ask, are you judging yourself more harshly? Would you think the same thing if someone else told you they were dealing with that problem? Comparing yourself to others is rarely helpful, we are all different, we all experience things differently and are sensitive to different things. Sometimes it can be good to get a bit of perspective, but minimizing your pain and difficulty by comparing yourself to others usually does more harm than good. If you are struggling with something, not coping or having problems in life - you still deserve to be heard and supported, you deserve help irrespective of whether your problems are as bad as others.

Take care MattSA.

Who do you go to?

Matt SA — Wed, 27 Jan 2021 09:19:58 GMT

Thanks People - I truly appreciate your support! The Universe is testing my resolve around a few things at the moment!
I think I find self care hard, because when I’m struggling with anxiety I can’t relax into anything to enjoy it. I struggle to talk to my partner because he has MS, is a wheelchair user & recently was made redundant from his job. My role has become the “Polyanna” person who tries to keep his spirits up.

I don’t know if my life is genuinely complicated or if it’s just all in my head.

I think I’m rambling now, so I’ll sign off here. Thanks everyone for the ongoing support.

cheers, Matt

Who do you go to?

sunnyl20 — Fri, 29 Jan 2021 06:18:28 GMT

Hi Matt SA,

I'm sorry you are struggling with self-care, it can be difficult, you are right. Being that "pollyanna" person can be very draining - please look after yourself and know that you do not have to be endlessly positive. It sounds like your partner is having a really tough time, and it is caring and wonderful that you are there for your partner and want to keep him afloat but you cannot pour from an empty cup - you need to look after you too! Caring for a loved one can be physically and emotionally difficult, irrespective of how much you want to be involved in their care. You still need a space where you feel you can be open with your struggles and worries and thoughts, and to be able to relax and decompress. I really hope you are able to find that support that you need, whether it is with your partner or with friends, family and/or a health professional.

From what you have described, it really doesn't seem like it is all in your head! And you are not rambling at all - feel free to reach out any time Matt. We are here to listen and support you. Take care.

Who do you go to?

Guest_4643 — Fri, 29 Jan 2021 07:42:37 GMT

Hey Matt SA.

I'm sorry to hear about your partner, and you're not rambling at all. Even if you were, that's perfectly OK, that's what the forums are for.

We're here for you.

Who do you go to?

Matt SA — Sun, 31 Jan 2021 07:41:59 GMT

Thank you for the replies! It’s nice to read them & I feel better just getting some of these feelings out there. It’s been an ok weekend & I’ve been able to manage my anxiety pretty well. I realised yesterday that I feel pressure & anxiety about the things I can control as well as anxiety about the things out of my control.

A real trigger for me is when people are unreliable and don’t do what they say they will. I find it makes me feel sick with anxiety when I’m having to wait for someone else and I stress about being a mean pushy person if I have to continually follow up. Do either of you experience this?

I hope you’ve both had a good weekend & I look forward to reading your lovely responses.

Who do you go to?

Guest_4643 — Sun, 31 Jan 2021 12:21:06 GMT

Hey Matt SA.

That stuff is annoying, but I don't even talk to anybody or hang out with anyone so. I'm extremely lonely.

Glad to hear you managed your anxiety though.

Who do you go to?

Matt SA — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 20:18:35 GMT

I’m sorry to read you’re super lonely. I have to admit without my family & friends the anxiety would be so much harder to manage. What do you do to manage yours on a day to day basis?

Who do you go to?

Guest_4643 — Tue, 02 Feb 2021 01:14:55 GMT

At least you have family and friends, I only have my parents. And I don't really do anything.

Who do you go to?

sunnyl20 — Tue, 02 Feb 2021 05:43:54 GMT

Even though the anxiety is still very present, it can help to identify triggers. I can understand what you mean about others being unreliable - I struggle with this too, and find it difficult to follow up and communicate with them about how frustrating their actions are. You are definitely not alone in experiencing this.

Who do you go to?

Matt SA — Sun, 07 Feb 2021 21:06:11 GMT

Thanks both for your replies; I’m so glad I’m not the only on who finds it challenging managing my feelings when dealing with other people. One of my triggers is just knowing I have to arrange things with a tradie etc. I get sweaty & my heart races just thinking about having to chase up. I have been working on it with my psychologist but it is a tough cycle to break. How are you all doing?

Who do you go to?

sunnyl20 — Mon, 08 Feb 2021 09:31:52 GMT

You are right Matt - it is a tough cycle to break, especially when it is how you have thought/felt for as long as you can remember. You can feel like you are stuck in the same merry go round of thoughts, emotions and physical feelings of stress and anxiety... it can feel very difficult to break out of. But the more you stick at it with trying to change how you approach and think about it, hopefully the better it will become. It can feel slow and disheartening at times, and a bit "two steps forward one step back", but keep doing what you can. There is hope that things can change.

Who do you go to?

Matt SA — Mon, 15 Feb 2021 14:01:17 GMT

Thank-you again! It is a bit of two steps forward, one step back. I feel like my triggers can be a moving target; but they tend to nearly always centre around money or challenging people interactions. I sometimes feel my life would be so much better if I were alone on a desert island!