topic Horrible week in Anxiety

Horrible week

Whatsinaname — Thu, 24 Sep 2020 23:44:13 GMT

Hi everyone,

I'm having a horrible week, so just thought I would post to see how everyone else is going?

I'm having a hard time getting out of the shame spiral this week, but trying to remember this is only temporary.

Anyway, hope others are well, happy to chat about anything.

Horrible week

uncut_gems — Thu, 24 Sep 2020 23:46:43 GMT

Hey Whatsinaname,

The shame spiral is such a great name for it! I know exactly what you mean, all the ruminating etc. Despite your horrible week, I'm happy to report that it's very nearly over.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?

Warmly,

Gems

Horrible week

Whatsinaname — Thu, 24 Sep 2020 23:53:13 GMT

Hi Gems,

Thanks for the reply.

Depending on the weather I do hope to get out of this house, even if it's to someone elses house just to escape this routine for even a moment.

How about you?

Horrible week

uncut_gems — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 03:57:53 GMT

Hi Whatsinaname,

Yes, get out if you can! It's so important to break up the monotony and see some friends (safely). This weekend I might go to the beach if the weather is nice, but on Monday I'm leaving for a short trip so will probably be cleaning, packing, and resting. Also movies!

Where I am it's coming up on 2, so just a bit left of this rotten week.

Happy to chat more 🙂

Gems

Horrible week

Whatsinaname — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 04:34:30 GMT

Thats good!

I ended up cutting a sicky for the rest of the afternoon because I couldn't concentrate anyway.

Now at the inlaws place so my little boy can go crazy.

I love seeing him happy but at the same time it makes me feel sad. Not sure if that's because I'm finding it impossible myself or the continual fear that I will one day lose him.

Horrible week

uncut_gems — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 05:19:04 GMT

Aw I didn't know you had a son! It's good that he's able to get some energy out and see his grandparents. I can imagine the bittersweet mix of seeing someone you care so much about be carefree and happy, but at the same time mourn that you don't feel that way anymore. Do you mind my asking why you fear you will one day lose him?

No worries if you want to wait to chat about heavier stuff after the weekend– you should go and have some fun 🙂

Gems

Horrible week

Whatsinaname — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 09:41:27 GMT

Haha sadly for me any number of reasons. Most common is I'm not good enough for him. I think that way about basically everyone, but they are all still here.

I still have the black dog barking at me, but since seeing the inlaws I do feel much better.

Its hard to see the forest from the trees.

Horrible week

Whatsinaname — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 09:58:12 GMT

Actually stumbled across a cartoon, thats been around a really long time apparently, Lunababoon.

Its amazing how much I relate to him and it does make it easier to know others struggle as well, especially another dad.

Last thing I ever want is for my son to deal with mental health struggles

Horrible week

uncut_gems — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 11:23:42 GMT

I hadn't heard of Lunarbaboon until you just mentioned it, but I googled it and saw a few strips. It brought a smile to my face! So life-affirming and sweet, especially the ones that touch on depression. It sounds like you're doing the absolute best you can for your son, and that's all anyone can ask of a parent. It's possible your son will have his own mental health struggles at some point, but that's not knowable or adressable right now. The best thing you can do is be there for/with him and make the most of his childhood, which although I'm not a parent myself I understand goes by in the blink of an eye.

I've had conversations with my own father as an adult where he expressed to me similar concerns about not being good enough, about passing on his own mental health issues, and so on. I truly didn't know he felt that way, and it was so freeing to tell him that I felt his fears were unfounded. Depending on his age, it may be many years before your son is able to appreciate that when he was a kid you were a person with your own mistakes and struggles as well. It's certainly something I've come to understand my own parents as a young adult and it's made me more grateful that despite everything they were still able to be there for me, as it sounds like you are for your son.

Horrible week

Whatsinaname — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 23:47:42 GMT

Thank you so much for the kind words.

All I want is the best for him, but sometimes I'm not sure that involves me. Like, I find comfort know if something happened to be he would be loved by my parents and inlaws.

Its a strange notion as I have no plan on leave, although I do "disappear" into myself when I have weeks like this.

I just hope he is happy, forever haha

Horrible week

Whatsinaname — Sun, 27 Sep 2020 06:15:43 GMT

Weekend has been like a yoyo, was feeling terrible yesterday until I spoke to a friend who struggles with mental health as well, then was feeling a bit better.

Woke up today and its back to square one and nothing seems to be slowing it down.

Stuck in the shame cycle and can't get out.

Got an appointment with the GP in the morning, but I dont think he will be able to do a great deal. I just need to get through this, not just for me but for my loved ones, its just so hard.

Aurrounded but love yet feel incredibly alone

Horrible week

Whatsinaname — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 00:39:11 GMT

GP prescribed me some medication.

Feel less than nothing having to rely on drugs, but I'm running out of ideas.

Horrible week

Billiee — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 01:19:47 GMT

Hi Whatsinaname,

I hope you don't mind me jumping in.

Have you been able to identify why you feel lonely? perhaps if you can find that out then write down things that you think can help with dealing with this feeling.

are you in an area that is heavily effected by covid ?

I hope your day improves.

Billiee

Horrible week

Whatsinaname — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 02:05:05 GMT

Hi Billie,

More than happy for you to jump in any time.

Its weird, I'm surround by love, yet the fact I dont like myself I always feel unworthy of that love and that they deserve better than someone who is as broken as me.

I watch my son have an amazing time with his grandparents and I'm overwhelmed with sadness because I'm barely present

Horrible week

Whatsinaname — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 02:54:02 GMT

I dont know if its this pill or what, but I've always felt my shame cycle was due to ruminating on past mistakes, this time I think im shaming the hell out of myself for being broken.

When my son hugs me I cry because I instantly feel he deserves better than me.

Horrible week

Billiee — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 11:47:54 GMT

I have been in a similar head space as you before and i understand it can feel like a black hole that you cant climb out of but its amazing that you are already able to identify certain things about how you're feeling. That is a big thing and you should be very proud of this.

There is no one better than a child's own mother, Keep working on valuing your worth.

Do you see a psychologist? Perhaps seeing someone like this would help.

Horrible week

geoff — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 18:05:23 GMT

Hello Whatsinaname, as Gem has said 'the shame game' is about ruminating, something to convince you that should feel guilty because thinking like this over and over again can then make a mess of other negative thoughts, but it's possible to create obsessive thoughts, where you spend an amount time worrying about, analyzing, and trying to understand a particular thought, not that I'm qualified to say, only because I have OCD.

How you son behaves with your in laws is completely different to how he would with you, the rules change as do the circumstances, a he would play games and do things that you wouldn't allow, and that's no fault of yours.

We have all made mistakes, that's precisely how we learn, so past ones can't be undone but can certainly be improved, no one is perfect, and I've made countless flaws in life, but I can't reverse them only change how we manage in the future.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Horrible week

Whatsinaname — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 23:07:18 GMT

Thanks Geoff and Billie,

My psychologist asked me to talk to my GP about seeing a psychiatrist about OCD but my GP, and I to a certain extent, blew off the idea.

But the more I read about the more I think I might have some issue with it. As I have obsessive thoughts that just never leave me alone.

Then I obsess over how its effecting everyone around me.

Horrible week

uncut_gems — Tue, 29 Sep 2020 09:27:05 GMT

Hi Whatsinaname,

So sorry for the delay in getting back to you; I've been traveling a bit and been caught up with other projects. So glad you also got in touch with geoff and Billiee.

I would absolutely encourage you to follow your psychologist's advice and maybe see a pyschiatrist– they really do have a different kind of medical knowledge and expertise in these things. Can I ask why you are thinking of blowing it off?

There is absolutely no shame whatsoever in turning to a drug therapy– no exaggeration they gave me my life back and allow me so much more freedom from my obsessive thoughts.

I think seizing this opportunity to really get a handle on your mental health is exactly the kind of action that demonstrates to your loved ones just how much you care for them and want to be around for many healthy years to come for them. It's a daunting process, especially at the beginning, but it really sounds to me like you are on the right track.

This may be the opportunity you have been waiting for to ultimately be happier and more present for your son. Please don't be too hard on yourself as parenting is one of the most difficult human undertakings, and as geoff hinted towards, I think in our culture it is often the role of the grandparents (or aunt/uncle etc.) and their house to be a bit of a zone of spoiling the child and being carefree– you can't always be the fun parent, and parenting by necessity won't always be fun.

Were you able to relax at all this past weekend? What does this upcoming week look like for you?

Best,

Aaron

Horrible week

Whatsinaname — Tue, 29 Sep 2020 23:04:16 GMT

Thanks gems,

I knew you were out traveling so no need to apologize.

My GP seems to think the psychiatrists in my town "aren't great." I personally was afraid of the idea of having OCD so welcomed the idea of not going.

My weekend was like a roller coaster. Every morning I wake up with a knot in my stomach and what feels like a strangling sensation. But the evening it seems to have passed some what, so I am sleeping pretty well (as well as I can with a 2 year old in the bed haha)

I ended up back at the GP on Monday, I didn't think to talk about the psychiatrist at the time as I was kind of just desperate. He prescribed me so benzos, which definitely take the edge off but I am weary of them being addictive.

I just feel like I wake up, force myself through the morning/afternoon then I can relax a little and go back to bed.

I have an appointment with my psychologist next week, which can't come quick enough.