topic The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar in Anxiety

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

LaTeRaLuS777 — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 11:49:01 GMT

Hi, first time posting on here (or anywhere for that matter about this stuff)... I have OCD and Bipolar Disorder.
As i sit typing I am aware of every noise in the house and outside being "They/Them" coming to get me. My OCD has been leading me down dark rabbit holes of thoughts and images recently (in a self-destructive spiral) and I couldnt take it any more.
I chatted with one of the BeyondBlue people who helped me to seek out a positive distraction for the night so I joined this community and started to type.
For me OCD is like a little urge going "just one more dark thought, just until midnight, then i will let you go...." but it never stops! It is never satisfied until I feel like giving up and taking one way out or another (neither are good options by the way!).
I am a good person with a good heart and I know i would never do these things yet that spiral is so strong, so desperate and so persistent that I fear I may not be strong enough to fight it. Seeing others going through this same process makes me feel like im not alone, yet i fear that "They/Them" would have me locked away because of the "Darkness" within me.
When I was younger (18-19 yrs old) I first experienced this dark spiral and it terrified me so much that I contemplated suicide so that I could never hurt anyone like that! Thankfully I am alive but the OCD "Darkness" remains and it is a constant battle. How do you fight what you cannot see/touch/destroy?
Im sorry for this stream of consciousness post but im really trying to convey my feelings as best as i can. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for (hopefully) accepting me as I am.
(ps: I am seeing a psych and I am medicated and for those two things i am forever grateful).

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

geoff — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 19:16:13 GMT

Hello LaTeRaLus, if you suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), obsessive
thoughts and compulsive behaviours become so consuming they interfere with our life, and whether you display these obsessions or hide them, doesn't really matter because they control our life.

I say this because it's almost 60 years I've suffered from it, whereas my twin doesn't it, which I'm so pleased for him.

We can't see those 'intrusive thoughts' yet we suffer from them, but we can see 'the checking the door locks' which mainly happen in familiar situations, but both cause disruptions to our routine and how we feel and once we try to avoid the thought, it only makes the situation worse.

There is no justification when we're caught out, although we do offer an excuse, which can then cause embarrassment, so we repeat these behaviours over and over until we are satisfied that any anxiety has been reduced and the degree to how different people suffer from it will vary.

It's not your fault you have this illness and no explanation will satisfy another person who doesn't suffer from it, they don't understand the strength that this condition has over us.

I once did a 2 week online course to try and reduce these obsessions/compulsions and it did help a bit, but once it was over I went straight back.

Remember you are not alone and there is a huge section on OCD on this site if you type it in the search bar at the top of this page.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

LaTeRaLuS777 — Tue, 15 Oct 2019 09:28:29 GMT

Thank you geoff! Your reply to my post made me feel like i was not alone with this and if others can see this dark spiral im going through and still have kind words for me then I know I can make it through.

Today was hard though, I felt like i was screaming underwater with a chest full of glass, having to be happy and cheerful when inside i feel empty and shunned by the world. I deliberately took on too much work in the stupid thought that if i failed then at least someone might ask if i was ok and i might be able to unburden myself on them (mindless self-indulgence i think now). There are people I can talk to here who wont judge me and who know what i am going through personally so why do i need to ruin someone else's day?

I listened to some interesting music that made me feel capable of getting through the day and i am focusing on creative outlets like artwork and game design for tonight. I am staying clear of the dark rabbit holes that my OCD wants me to be lulled into and instead embracing the sharp agony of existence where not everything is ok.

Your statement "There is no justification when we're caught out, although we do offer an excuse, which can then cause embarrassment," resonated with me so much! I have often done this, offered up excuses and justifications where there are none, as a way to ease the guilt. Sometimes even going so far as to talk to my mobile phone so that They/Them would understand (because They/Them are always listening according to my my OCD/BPD Paranoia!) that i was not a "bad person" or as a way to convince They/Them not to come for me!

It all sounds so silly when I re-read what i have written but for me its as real as Quantum Physics (cant see it, cant touch it, dont really understand it, but without it Reality falls apart, haha).

Anyway, thank you again for your reply and I hope to keep in touch with you and everyone else who is going through similar patterns of behaviour/thoughts.

ps: for the sake of brevity, i am happy to be called "L7" ...as typing "LaTeRaLuS777" can cause your fingers to cramp up when typing it lol

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

geoff — Tue, 15 Oct 2019 14:50:38 GMT

Hi L7, thanks for getting back because it means that we have been able to relate our own experience with some of yours.

Look forward to hearing from you again.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

Alyca — Tue, 15 Oct 2019 16:35:15 GMT

Dear LaTeRaLus777,

I'm not sure if I'm qualified to reply to you since I'm pretty much suffering the same condition as you do. There has been many ups and downs with my symptoms and the phases come and go ever since I was a child(13 years old or so when I first noticed it). I didn't know that was bipolar then, talking my shrink wasn't helpful to me since he couldn't place my symptom at that time, maybe he's not as good as advertised.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I do feel you, the dark circle, the confusion, uncertainty and mood swings, once a dark thought rooted in my head it simply won't go away. First it was the anxiety, uncontrollably lingering for days, messing with my sleep, my self discipline,then because of that, followed the depression, disappointment, and questioning the meaning of life.

I tried suiside so many times that I can't even count, the worst time I was in ICU for a week, that was when I was 15. I took every anti-depressing pills or drinks I can find, nothing works beyond gaining a few pounds.

I know there are so many things will set us off, and sometimes we can't function in a regular, mordern life. But I do believe you are a good person with good heart, because sometimes that's where the issue lies, life is messy, full of dark and ugly stuff, sometimes I just cannot live with them.

P.s I'm into game design as well. Games, or let's say arts, when you create a world using nothing but your imagination, it's so much better and attractive than the real world, do you think? Reality is always heavier than your fictions, no matter how you weaving them up.(That was something I read from a book, sorry about the translation.)

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

LaTeRaLuS777 — Tue, 15 Oct 2019 19:50:11 GMT

Hi Geoff and Alyca, thanks for your replies.

You are right Alyca, these phases come and go and I know it will eventually come good again but its so hard to fight this dark spiral. Its strange that the cycle happens still even though im medicated (i hate to think what it would be like without meds!) and it seems to be on a semi-regular basis of every couple of months.... weird.

It took me long time for my correct diagnosis of OCD and Bipolar. I would be medicated for depression and things would be ok for a little bit (when i was down the meds seemed to help a bit with the sadness) but then the mania and whirlwind of thoughts would come back and i would start the rollercoaster all over again.

Thank you both for your kind and supportive words, they mean a lot to me as I havent really shared this inner turmoil with many people, especially in this much detail before.

Thanks again. Sorry for short message but i just woke up.

Ps: Alyca, have you heard of a FlowScape? Its a program/game for creating beautiful 3D worlds. Its really cool you are into games and creative stuff like that also, i think it gives us an outlet and a distraction against the darkness sometimes.

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

Quercus — Wed, 16 Oct 2019 15:19:35 GMT

Hi L7 (and a wave to Geoff and Alyca too),

I may not truly understand OCD (depression is more my issue) but one glance at your username made me want to stop and welcome you too. Years ago a friend introduced me to the band Tool and I found myself wondering if your choice of name meant you were a fan too?

These forums can be an absolute god send on days when we need distraction from our own thoughts. I hope you can explore the forums and join in wherever it helps you.

Nat

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

LaTeRaLuS777 — Wed, 16 Oct 2019 18:10:24 GMT

Hi Quercus (Nat),

Yes! most definitely a fan of Tool and i chose this name because of the spiral in the song Lateralus as well as the OCD joy of each consonant being an uppercase letter and each vowel a lower case letter and the way it mimics the ups and downs of bipolar (haha, deep huh?).

Music can be a great way to explore or distract from the ups and downs of our lives. I have found that exploring music can lead me on to some amazing bands and songs. Often I wonder what we would all be like without music... Im not sure it would be a happy place.

Yes, these forums have been wonderful and I hope that I will continue to post replies and ask questions long after this spiral ends (which thanks to you all should be soon, you have been wonderful).

Thank you for the welcome and all the best wishes with your own battles too.

< L7 >

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

LaTeRaLuS777 — Thu, 17 Oct 2019 08:55:21 GMT

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick update on how im going...

Today was really good at work, i managed quite well and even started to feel like my usual self again. Being happy and cheerful to customers wasnt as painful as the other day (which is really good).

I think i may be coming back up and i just have the OCD thoughts, paranoia and guilt associated with the dark spiral to deal with as they occur (my brain does weird stuff lol). I have to be careful now though that I dont go off the rails into mania and start the process all over again, despite the fact that it bounces like this every couple of months or so.

I truly hope you have gotten something useful out of my posts and know that you are not alone with this condition, BeyondBlue are an incredible bunch of people who really care about us and want to help. Please call or chat (as i did) when you need help.

You are most welcome to continue this thread but I will probably be offline for a while as work is getting really busy and taking more of my time.

Thank you to Geoff for your initial reply to my first ever post, it meant more than you can possibly imagine to read that i was not alone with this OCD spiral and thoughts. And a massive thanks to everyone who found this thread helpful and spoke out into the void.

In summary: OCD Bipolar spiral is real, we may not be able to see it or fight it but we can learn to ride it out and find positive distractions (like posting here) and listening to music or doing artwork. Please keep going and please seek help if you feel like your world is crashing down.

Thank you all and goodnight,

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

geoff — Thu, 17 Oct 2019 14:40:13 GMT

Hello L7, thank you for the lovely comment.

One thing I forgot to say is that when I was at school as well as after the one reason I couldn't have these obsessions/compulsions was when I was playing many different sports of various varieties.

Good luck with yourself and please don't forget us.

Best wishes,

Geoff,

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

LaTeRaLuS777 — Tue, 22 Oct 2019 09:20:20 GMT

Hiya Geoff and Everyone!

Just another quick update:

I am out of my spiral now and doing well. Work is hard but rewarding and it is also a great distraction from my OCD thoughts. I am enjoying life again and I am so lucky to have such a great support base both with my doctor and with you all here. Thank you!

The Bipolar has shifted gears on me (as it does every few months) and I must be careful not to fly to close to the sun now with mania.

Once again thank you and I just wanted to let you know I am doing fine 🙂

I will always be grateful to you all for your kindness and for the acceptance of being "one of us" lol! If you are reading this and you are inside the Dark Spiral, take hope from my message. If you can ride it out and find distractions that dont hurt (which can be hard btw) then you will come out of it a little stronger, a little wiser and knowing that you are not alone.

See you all again soon, I will continue to post both my ups and downs as I see them, just so you can see also that You are definitely "one of us" and welcome to share!

Thank you and all the best,

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

geoff — Tue, 22 Oct 2019 14:02:22 GMT

Hello L7, thanks for getting back to us, and please remember you always have us to support you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

LaTeRaLuS777 — Mon, 02 Dec 2019 13:03:18 GMT

Hello Everyone,

The Darkness is creeping back into my life again... I can feel its persistent murmurs in the back of my mind. "Just one step closer," - the Darkness whispers, "Come on, what do you have to lose? Its not like you havent been here before...." I struggle to fight it but am reminded of a phrase " May your darkest fears haunt your brightest day".... not a happy thought is it..?

My night terrors are also back. My dreams make me feel like i have done the most horrific things, waking up in a cold sweat or choking on my tears. Put me on a lie detector test, I would fail every question as i feel like i am the most despicable worthless horrible person - thanks to the memories i carry from the night terrors.

Anyway.... the Darkness. I am at a crossroads (hence i am here posting again), not so far that i cant see the light yet in deeper than i would like to be in this Dark Spiral. I am conscious of the fact that I am being pulled/lured in and i also know that it will eventually lose its strength... BUT can i hold on until then without crashing down into the pit of self-destruction?

The images and thoughts are whirling again, daily soon hourly then every other thought! Its like being pushed and pulled by the wind in different directions and yet always in the direction i dont want to go! Then to top it all off... here comes my old "friend" Paranoia. "You cant escape your past, THEY will find you, THEY will take you away and NOBODY will care." ....well, isnt he just a fun companion to have?

In summary: Darkness is growing again, Night Terrors are back, Paranoia is creeping up my spine, I AM aware of it all and I AM now at the crossroads of the Dark Spiral.

Wish me luck. Im gonna need it.

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

LaTeRaLuS777 — Fri, 06 Dec 2019 08:46:40 GMT

HI AGAIN!!

The problem i am having with Mania is the feeling of impermanence and invulnerability/devil-may-care-attitude. Drive faster, eat more, spend money cos its useless sitting there in the virtual bank, take risks and eff the consequences! Nothing seems real to me when im Manic! And everything is great until the Crash... The sudden realisation of what i have done hits like a tonne of bricks and the OCD kicks in: Paranoia, They/Them coming to get me again, family and friends all turning their backs on me and casting me out of their society, images and thoughts of what-ifs in relation to what i have done, FEAR!

So, what do i do about it? Absolutely nothing. I ride the Dark Spiral as far as it takes me, down into the Pit of Despair that is Depression and self-destruction. Every few months this cycle happens and i cant seem to figure out how to stop it!!. Thank fox for the medications! I would be unbearable to be around without them and I hate to think what i would have done in a full-manic-episode if i wasnt on meds!!

To summarise: Mania is fun, really really fun, but bloody dangerous too! In life everything has a balance so as I fly higher i have further to fall. OCD seems to be the brakes on my runaway Mania-Train and i guess thats a good thing?? Despite the FEAR it brings im sure it has helped me to remain safe to myself and to others by reminding me of Dire Consequences of my Actions. Medication is helpful and maybe i need to talk to my specialist about what we can do to help manage this Dark Spiral a bit better....

Thank you for reading this random message, brought to you by MaNiC/OCD Inc!! Cyas

< L7 >

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

quirkywords — Sat, 07 Dec 2019 08:07:39 GMT

Thnaks for keeping in touch.

i used to hate the dark moods and wait for the highs until I realised that highs were more dangerous than my lows

You have a lote to cope with and are getting help.

Tske care

Quirky

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

LaTeRaLuS777 — Sat, 21 Dec 2019 09:40:01 GMT

Hi Quirky, Hi Everyone

The brakes of OCD have come on gently this time and i think it has a lot to do with the time of year... Work stress, family stress, heat stress etc etc... But thats good! The usual crash-and-burn phase of my Mania appears to have been averted and now its a gentle slide into what should only be a minor Depressive episode.

I have said/done/thought some things that i wish i could take back during my manic phase and the OCD "What-If" has pulled me into line i think. Things cannot be unsaid or undone and i am accepting responsibility (and shame) for my actions over the past few weeks, where i may have offended individuals or said things out of character to people i work with as well as family and friends.

I wish you all a safe and stressed-least holiday period and bring on the challenges of 2020!

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

quirkywords — Sat, 21 Dec 2019 21:25:02 GMT

Thanks for your insights into your behaviour and sharing your thoughts honestly with us and given us feedback.
Learning to accept responsibility of ones actions and experiencing shame is a hard lesson.

Things can not be unsaid but if you can learn from it it will help fir next time.
Quirky

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

Bulus Shabbaz — Tue, 24 Dec 2019 02:28:25 GMT

I can so relate to this thread, I have been diagnosed with OCD, and Schizoaffective Disorder (bipolar type). Lately, I've been obsessively praying the rosary and spraying my unit with air freshener because I am not allowed to smudge, burn incense or scented candles, and I somehow convinced myself that as long as the unit constantly smells fresh and I do all these rituals, the "demons" won't be able to get me. I also have the unfortunate burden of having epileptic seizures when I get too stressed or overheated.

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

quirkywords — Tue, 24 Dec 2019 03:28:09 GMT

Welcome Bulus Shabbaz, to the forum . This is a friendly and supportive safe place.

Well done for making your post. You have a lot of diagnosis to cope with.

Do the rituals help you?

Are you getting support from your doctor?

Quirky

The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

Bulus Shabbaz — Thu, 26 Dec 2019 05:26:04 GMT

quirkywords said:
Welcome Bulus Shabbaz, to the forum . This is a friendly and supportive safe place.

Well done for making your post. You have a lot of diagnosis to cope with.

Do the rituals help you?

Are you getting support from your doctor?

Quirky

Yes, the rituals help me as far as a way to calm myself down and meditate. And my doctors are very supportive. Thanks for asking.