topic Eating woes in Anxiety

Eating woes

quince — Mon, 20 Apr 2020 09:42:48 GMT

Hey everyone,

Just wondering if anyone has some ideas or suggestions to help me out.

I'm a 30 year old woman, currently staying with my parents while I'm stuck here during the pandemic. Since the start of the year I've fallen back into old eating disorder patterns. I've been well for the past 8 years, though admittedly the past 2 years have been up and down with restricting. I'm on a mental health care plan for depression, and have been working through things a bit with my psychologist, however a couple of weeks ago we decided it was best to get my GP involved as things haven't been improving.

I saw my GP, and he wanted me to make a commitment to stop purging (such a shitty behaviour that I hate), and to make a partial disclosure about the issues I have with eating, so that I don't have to 'put on a show' in front of my parents that I am eating normally.

So basically, I am seeing my GP again on Friday, and I have managed to achieve neither of these things I committed to. I am worried about what he will say/do next, and also just feeling really physically exhausted and tired of everything.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to talk to family about eating issues without feeling like you're a massive disappointment to them? Or just general words or reassurance?

x quince

Eating woes

Rumples — Mon, 20 Apr 2020 10:20:10 GMT

Hi quince 🙂

Thank you soooo much for reaching out to us, I know it must have taken a lot. Please know that you're not alone in this. We're here to help and listen for as long as you need.

Eating disorders can be a tremendouse drain upon your everyday life. You know this, right. I'm preaching to the quire :0). Regardless if you achieved what you promised your GP or not, you have to be totally honest with him/her when you go back. If you start telling poorky pies, you're going to lead them down a false path of treatment and that's not fair on you or them. After all, they're trying to help you and the least we can do is be honest and up front with them in order to give them the best possible chance of helping us. Yes?

As for discussing this with family members, I really believe that if they are aware of what's going on with your eating, they'll be better prepared to help you deal with it. They can't help with something they're totally oblivious of, right? I'm sure mum and dad love you dearly and only want what's best for you. Please give them the chance to be your mum and dad in your time of need. Just as you would want them to include you in any dramas in their lives that you could potentially help with. Fares fare.

Never feel like you're a "massive disappointment" to anyone. You're just like the rest of us, with unique quirks, faults and needs sprinkled amongst the other great things that make you who you are. We're all unique.

Please ensure you keep your appointments with the GP and or any other professionals you're referred to. By doing this, you'll stand the best chance of a full recovery. Don't work against them, work with them.

I'd love to hear your thoughts. Come back and have a chat and I'll be waiting.

Your friend - Rumples xoxo

Eating woes

quince — Wed, 22 Apr 2020 10:35:49 GMT

Hey Rumples,

Thanks so much for your reply. You're totally right of course, on everything.

I will absolutely keep my appointments, and plan on being honest with my GP. He's very kind, and probably already knows that I won't have been able to stick to my commitments. I'm quite scared of the repercussions though. If he explicitly asked me to talk to my parents, and I really haven't made any attempts to, he couldn't tell them right? That would breach my confidentiality as his patient, surely.

It's so hard because I really want to be able to do this on my own. I know I can. But then, I said this three weeks ago and I was absolutely sure I was going to change my behaviour, but it turns out that I haven't been able to manage it. I think I can do it, but the reality is that I'm really not in control right now.

I'm worried about what my GP will do next. But there's also not a lot I can do to change the outcome now, so I suppose I'll have to just wait and see, and be honest.

Thanks again Rumples.

x quince

Eating woes

Rumples — Wed, 22 Apr 2020 12:03:17 GMT

Hi quince (BIG hug) :0)

Excellent! I'm so pleased you're going to give yourself the best chance at recovery by being open and frank with your GP. Well done to you! (high five).

As for the GP asking to speak to your parents, the age at which a person becomes an 'adult' in Australia is 18 years. Consent for the medical treatment of patients less than 18 years of age is generally provided by parents. However, there are circumstances in which patients under the age of 18 can consent to their own medical treatment. Provided you're over I don't see the GP asking. If you're under, then it may be a different story. Play it by ear and see what your GP says first and then go from there.

It's totally up to you but I would strongly consider talking to either mum or dad or both, whichever you're closest to, about what's going on. The more close people to you involved in this increases the chances of a successful outcome. It's totally up you though sweety.

Good luck! and please if you feel up to it, keep updating us. Even if you're just feeling a bit out of sorts, come on back and we'll be glad to have a chat. We're always here for you and we do care about you.

Your friend - Rumples xoxo

Eating woes

quince — Mon, 11 May 2020 05:34:35 GMT

Hey Rumples (and anyone else reading),

Just thought I'd jump back with a little update.

I had a really good conversation with my Mum, and though I didn't tell her specifically about the eating disorder (which at this point is physically very obvious), I did tell her that I'm seeing a psychologist and our GP because there are things I want to work on. I think it was reassuring that I'm supported by people, and that they don't maybe need to worry so much.

I saw my GP this morning and was appreciative of him holding me accountable in a kind but firm way. I'm feeling a bit confronted right now because I know that I really, really have to change my behaviour. I have a fortnight to prove that I can.

The idea of getting really sick and ending up in hospital seems so unreal to me, but that's what is waiting for me if I don't try harder. I can't even fathom how humiliating it would be to tell my family and friends that.

So I'm really going to focus on being healthy, eating well, and embracing the uncomfortable feelings that I know will eventually pass.

If anyone has any tips on how to flip weight loss from being a success/achievement to being something that's not desirable, I'd love to hear them.

Thanks team.

x quince

Eating woes

Emmen — Mon, 11 May 2020 07:25:15 GMT

Hello quince,

I went through a stage a couple of years back where I was restricting. I didn't seek treatment for it, but a series of events led to a turning point where I began to realise I had a problem. I did these:

1) Stick with my habits even though the goals changed: I always tracked my calorie intake. Instead of idealising a negative intake for the day, I began aiming for something lower. So I'd tell myself that I had to hit 800 kcal everyday. Once I could sustain hitting that, I slowly increased the intake goals. I did a lot of google searching for how recovery would affect my body, so I was partially mentally prepared for it (although it was a struggle because I felt so ugly and disgusting at that point). But eventually I guess pushing through meant that my mindset also changed and I began to accept my body.

2) Start with foods I could stomach: I used to be obsessed with eating clean. So no sweets or chocolates, no oily or fatty foods, no red meats and so on. When I started increasing my intake, I'd fill up on the 'clean' foods. Lots of fruits, raw veggies, oats, tuna etc. It was months before I could actually bring myself to eat junk food without feeling like I'd ruined my body for good, but it was important for me that I accepted these limitations and worked within it.

3) When I started on the foods I usually couldn't bear to eat, I started small. One small square of chocolate a day helped me more than stuffing down an entire Mars bar in one sitting. Or choosing a chocolate granola bar over a bar of chocolate allowed me that sense of knowing something in the granola bar was still healthy. It was more about easing into things rather than shocking my system.

Lastly, it took a year for my body to recover from what I had done to it. It took another two years or so for me to finally stop counting calories (even though my goal for that time had changed to a healthy calorie intake). It will be an uphill challenge, but stick with it. I don't know if what I did was the best way forward, I never saw a GP or had any support recovering so it's still feels surreal that I managed it. But you're not alone and I hope I've helped somehow. Do update on this forum with your progress if you run into difficulties or need some encouragement.

Take care,
Emmen

Eating woes

Emmen — Mon, 11 May 2020 07:32:51 GMT

Sorry! A correction:

1) Stick with my habits even though the goals changed: I always tracked my calorie intake. Instead of idealising a negative intake for the day, I began aiming for something *positive, but lower than the ideal*. (In the sense that I started by trying to ease myself into eating more food.)

Eating woes

quince — Thu, 14 May 2020 01:17:04 GMT

Thanks Emmen,

I really appreciate your reply and ideas. They certainly make a lot of sense, and my doctor recommended a similar approach really - eat plenty of healthy foods initially so it's not such a massive undertaking.

I've been through this before, so I know I can do it. I think I might have been kidding myself a little bit, thinking "I know I can stop any time" or "I'll stop when I get to xyz weight". But then I didn't, and now I'm pretty annoyed I've lead myself into this situation.

Three days in and my weight is down again, so I know I need to try much harder. It's more difficult than I expected and taking a lot of mental energy. I can't focus on my readings for uni and am massively behind on this week's work.

But, I have a study plan, and if it hasn't worked by this afternoon I will think about applying for special consideration for this week's assessment. And I'm trying to focus on being healthy, above all.

Thanks for allowing me a space to get my thoughts clear.

x quince

Eating woes

Rumples — Tue, 19 May 2020 23:40:49 GMT

Well done Quince (BIG hug)

I'm soooooo happy for you and so proud of you for digging deep to find that courage.

"I had a really good conversation with my Mum, and though I didn't tell her specifically about the eating disorder (which at this point is physically very obvious), I did tell her that I'm seeing a psychologist and our GP because there are things I want to work on".

Really, the best thing you could have done was to talk to mum. Even though she isn't fully aware of your situation, and I'm sure you'll tell her in your own good time. As a parent myself I can tell you first hand that she'll be feeling better knowing that she still has your confidence to talk to her.

"I saw my GP this morning and was appreciative of him holding me accountable in a kind but firm way".

This is BRILLIANT news! and definitely the first stepping stone on the road to recovery for you. Well done! Please make sure you continue going and most of all, BE HONEST with them. If you don't, they have no way of helping you. Please don't make the mistake of telling them what you think they want to hear, that'll only end in disaster.

"The idea of getting really sick and ending up in hospital seems so unreal to me, but that's what is waiting for me if I don't try harder. I can't even fathom how humiliating it would be to tell my family and friends that".

Keep reminding yourself of this and use it to motivate you to succeed. No one wants to see this happen, especially you.

Please keep in touch and let us all know how you're going, successes and failures.

Your friend - Rumples

Eating woes

quince — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 08:16:23 GMT

I think I just got dumped by my psychologist. 😕

She said she doesn't like "referring people on", but she's questioning whether she's reached the limit of her usefulness for me, and I might be better off with a specialist.

I understand where she's coming from, but I still feel hurt and rejected. So much discomfort and pouring my soul out to someone, and then it's just like, this isn't working out. I am trying to focus on the idea that it's in my best interests, but I can't help but feel like I am at fault for our sessions focusing on areas out of her expertise, and that I am a nuisance in her schedule. Agh! It's also frustrating to think of starting over with someone new, yet again.

Pretty tired and exhausted with the whole thing really.

Appreciate having a place to rant, even if no one listens.

Eating woes

Emmen — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 08:45:45 GMT

Hello quince,

I'm so sorry to hear that!

A specialist isn't the same as a psychologist, and if she does want to refer you on, it's because she genuinely cares for your welfare and wants you to have the best treatment. You're most definitely not a nuisance. I can understand why you feel that way, but the thing is, you focused on issues that were important to you. That's why she's referring you to someone who is better placed to help you. If you had talked about issues within her scope of expertise, you're hardly doing justice to yourself since you're limiting yourself from receiving the help you need.

Starting with someone new will certainly take effort but the path to recovery is never easy. If it helps, do vent out your thoughts and frustrations in this space, but please don't give up on getting the appropriate treatment for yourself.

Take care,
M

Eating woes

InhaleExhale — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 02:08:34 GMT

Hi Quince,

Sorry to hear about your psychologist, the journey to recovery is definitely a hard one with many setbacks. It's certainly so emotionally difficult to start again with a new therapist and developing that relationship from scratch all over again. I can definitely sympathise with you and anyone else who has gone through this.

You are definitely not a nuisance to her schedule and I’m sure she doesn’t believe anything like that. We are listening to you and I hope you are feeling heard.

Maybe have a think about how seeing someone who specialises in eating disorders might be a good thing. They would probably have greater insight into how your feeling and what is useful to assist you. They might help you recover faster than you would have otherwise.

Let us know how you are travelling.

InhaleExhale.

Eating woes

quince — Fri, 10 Jul 2020 09:46:34 GMT

Thanks @Emmen and @InhaleExhale for your replies.

The morning after my last post, I got an email from my psychologist basically saying she'd thought about it overnight and changed her mind, and that I should keep seeing her for a while. Understandably I was feeling pretty annoyed and like I didn't just want to take her back (somewhat like an actual break-up, right?!), after she'd come out with how she didn't think she could help me.

But she's spoken to my GP, and he agrees that I should continue with her. I'm quite looking forward to my GP appointment Monday so I can get some answers.

Either way, I'm grateful that I have some professionals looking out for me. I kind of think it's way over the top, and if I wasn't so shit, I could just move on from all of this and live normally. But I also see the judgement and self-criticism there, so maybe I do need help. What a confusing thing mental illness is hey.

Thanks again for your support.

x quince

Eating woes

quince — Mon, 13 Jul 2020 01:56:36 GMT

Hi mates.

Think I just need to vent a few thoughts.

I just saw my GP and I don't qualify for the medicare ED plan, which is good because I'm not objectively unwell enough, but also completely defeating because I have to continue seeing both my psych and GP every 2-3 weeks each and that is not a cheap exercise. I suppose it's a bit of a motivator to keep pushing and get well.

I got quite emotional with my GP, which never ever happens, but he was really lovely. I'm so tired of trying and putting in effort and planning meals and I just want it all to stop and go away. I want someone to hug me, and look after me but there's just no one to do that for me at the moment. It has to be me taking care of myself and being self compassionate which is frustrating because my default is being awful to myself.

I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow.

x quince.

Eating woes

Emmen — Tue, 14 Jul 2020 02:08:31 GMT

Oh quince, a huge virtual hug for you. I know it's not the same as having someone there by your side, but I hope it helps anyway. You're supported in this forum and we care for your wellbeing.

It's an exhausting exercise and it's okay to feel down now and then. You're incredibly strong to have started on this path of recovery and I'm sure you have it in you to continue on this journey.

How do you feel today?

- M

Eating woes

InhaleExhale — Wed, 15 Jul 2020 01:48:41 GMT

Hi Quince,

So, your psychologist has done a backflip. That’s super confusing and not very helpful for you. I’m wondering if you are happy to continue seeing them and whether you think their treatment has been helpful. If it’s not an immediate yes, I want you to know that there are other options out there. I understand that it’s really hard to start with someone new and also difficult to make these decisions when you are not feeling well. Do you know about the butterfly foundation? They have a webchat and phone line, they might be able to help you further in your mental health journey. Let me know what you think. https://butterfly.org.au/get-support/how-we-help/

On the finance side of things, yes these appointments are expensive. I definitely sympathise with that. If you are interested in moving to a different GP, look for one that is bulk-billing in your area (aka free), a good method might be asking the receptionist of a bulk-billing clinic if they can recommend a GP for mental health. These are just some thoughts I have had while reading your posts. Don’t feel pressured to take up any of them.

It would definitely be helpful to have someone, a friend or family member to help look after you during this difficult time. It sucks that you don’t have that. You sound exhausted, if I could, I would give you a hug. I know healthy eating is important for mental health, but even in my best mental state I hate shopping, planning meals and cooking. I try not to put too much pressure on myself to do this because I think it just makes things worse. I don’t know if you are the same?

I think it’s fantastic that your aware it’s important for you to be self-compassionate but that you tend to act the opposite way. Noticing when you are being awful to yourself is really difficult because it requires a lot of insight and mindfulness of your thoughts. They say to try to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend in the same position. Most people are much more critical of themselves than others. It’s great to see that you are positive about feeling better in the future as well. I’d love to hear how you are going now.

InhaleExhale.

Eating woes

quince — Sat, 18 Jul 2020 00:00:37 GMT

@Emmen - Thanks so much for your lovely words. I've been able to reflect a little bit, and can see now that this week has been a convergence of a whole lot of mildly stressful events that have stacked up to make me feel quite anxious and overwhelmed. I had a terrible work shift Saturday, moved into a share-house Sunday, had the difficult GP appointment Monday, and then realised how completely behind I am with uni work. I've been able to notice though that anyone might feel overwhelmed in the same situation, so I'm doing a good job and trying not to put too much pressure on myself to have it all together.

@InhaleExhale - Thanks for such a thoughtful response. It is tricky on the psychologist front. I don't feel like we're the best match ever, but certainly not the worst either. My GP and she decided that it would likely be more traumatic for me to be accessing a specialist environment where I would be confronted with people a lot more unwell than I am, so it's best for me to continue as I am, and perhaps add a dietician to the mix if I can't do it by myself. I really love my GP, so I just have to budget for these regular appointments.

I have told one friend about my current situation, and she's great - her sister deals with anorexia, so she's really understanding. She has a young baby though so I'm aware of not dumping too much on her. My partner is great too, but we're living in separate countries at the moment. I have a lot of support, but sometimes just need a hug, know know? I'm feeling a lot better at this end of the week, so hopefully that vibe continues.

I weighed myself the other day, which I'm not really encouraged to do. I was not super-pleased with what I saw, and have probably been feeling a lot like I want my weight to go down again. It's really confusing, but I feel like I don't want to let this go. I know all the reasons I need to be healthy, and weight/body shape is really something I don't place a lot of value on in relation to what really matters most to me. But somehow I feel like really pushing against that to keep myself here.

Just some thoughts. Actually I could probably refer back to these rambles before appointments so I can articulate my thoughts a bit better.

Hope everyone is well, and thanks again for your support.

x quince

Eating woes

InhaleExhale — Wed, 22 Jul 2020 00:56:05 GMT

Hey Quince,

You’re welcome. It’s great to hear back from you.

You’re right, all of the things you’ve been doing would definitely create a lot of stress and emotion for anyone, moving house, difficult appointments and trying to keep up with uni work while also doing paid work as well! If you’re working as an essential worker or in a customer service roll during covid, tensions are definitely high. How are you finding your new place and your housemates?

I’m glad to hear that you trust your GP, definitely keep seeing them if possible. Your friend sounds like a real gem and your partner too. Although it must be so hard to have your partner in a separate country. I hope you have reached out to them recently to let them know how you’re going. It seems like you are doing really well managing everything that is going on for you at the moment. I hope your positive vibe is continuing this week.

I’d encourage you to mention to your GP or psych about weighing yourself and how you are feeling about that. It sounds like on one hand, you want to lose weight and you’re having trouble letting go of those thoughts, on the other hand, you just want to be healthy and don’t personally value whatever the number on the scale is or what body shape you have. Is this right?

Society often tells us that we need to look a certain way and should always be achieving the thin ideal, it’s so hard to let go of those ideas because we want to fit in. Then there are those conflicting values that we should love ourselves so matter what. So, I guess, which one is it? Rambling is a great way to sort out your thoughts and ideas, I think. Now I’m rambling.

*Sending hugs*

InhaleExhale.

Eating woes

quince — Sun, 02 Aug 2020 01:24:58 GMT

Thanks InhaleExhale. I mentioned the weighing to my GP and we've agreed that I probably need to avoid scales completely. On that though, at my appointment on Monday I guess my weight had gone down again, which isn't a surprise. In his words "the last two weeks have been a fricking disaster". We talked about needing to acknowledge that all of this stuff has been useful for me to cope with things, but that it's no longer adaptive. Seems easier said than done.

I'm feeling pretty shit today. Yesterday I had a small-regular amount of food until I finished work about 10pm - then I started snacking on leftover bread and hummus and things, and we all sat down together to drink wine and eat some spare cakes I had made. I ate more than I was okay with, and then went home and ate two handfuls of walnuts, two of sultanas, and a piece of toast with honey. And drank the majority of a bottle of wine. I don't even know if this is a lot of food, but it was like 2am. I was FaceTiming with my sister so it seemed okay. But then I was so mad at myself, like "I hate you so much", and made myself purge (which I'm not supposed to be doing anymore), harmed myself a bit because somehow it feels like I have to, and then really really wanted to more. I didn't, but my mind often goes there when I'm not feeling good. The intention is never to die either. I think its just a combination of knowing it's bad for me and is going to cause me some harm, and just wanting to sleep for a very long time and not have deal with myself.

This is such a pattern for me at the moment, and I'm tired and frustrated and I don't have the time to have mornings like this where I feel physically and mentally shit. I have so much uni reading to do today but all I want to do is curl up and sleep.

Sorry for being so negative. I'm just tired.

I'm drinking a peppermint tea and I'll push this all aside and get on with my day. I just wish I didn't have to.

x quince

Eating woes

Sophie_M — Sun, 02 Aug 2020 01:41:22 GMT

Hi quince,

Thanks for reaching out today. We're sorry to hear that you're feeling this way today and that it's a pattern for you at the moment. We can hear that this is exhausting and frustrating and we understand that you're coping with a lot at the moment. Please know that our community is here for you and that there is support available to you. You're not alone in this.

There is an organisation called the Butterfly Foundation which we would strongly recommend to you. The Butterfly Foundation offers support for eating disorders and body image issues - https://butterfly.org.au/

You might also be interested in taking a look at some of the Beyond Blue online resources:

"Self harm and self injury" -
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/self-harm-and-self-injury
“Create your Beyond Now safety plan” -
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning/create-beyondnow-safety-plan

We would also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments like the one you have described, you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here and keeping us updated on your journey whenever you're feeling up to it. We hope that you have found something enjoyable to do with the rest of your day.