topic Anxiety about existence, feeling trapped in Anxiety

Anxiety about existence, feeling trapped

notquiteright — Thu, 12 Mar 2020 04:30:12 GMT

I posted here a while back, and although things have gotten better in some respects I'm still really struggling. Sometimes I think I'm going absolutely insane, and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I'm sorry to just unload, it's probably going to be a bit of a rambling mess, but I don't have anywhere else to express this.

I'm in a job where I don't know what I'm doing. It's mostly people in their 40s working here (I'm 22) so I find it a bit difficult to relate to the other guys. The thing is, they're hardly ever there. Most of them work from home, and the ones that don't work upstairs. It's just me sitting in a cubicle alone, often for days on end. There's a manager that's supposed to be 'managing' me and telling me what to do, but it's radio silence from him. I'm being paid to sit here and entertain myself. I feel like I'm living in some sort of Trueman-show universe, with the 'powers that be' seeing how long they can keep up the charade. I have worked on maybe two projects while here, taking up like 5% of my time if that. I feel like a fraud, and a failure. And a child.

After work I go to gym, I've been going 5 days a week for over two months now. I do it mainly to get my mind off my anxieties, and try improve my mental health, although I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to get fitter as well. A few days ago I was happy with how I was progressing, then for no reason at all I felt like I was a failure in this too and wasn't going to the gym 'properly'.

I feel like I'm in a world surrounded by normal people who have normal activities, work normal jobs, and just generally are able to function in society. I feel like everyone is keeping a 'big secret' from me, everyone's in on it but me (that's more metaphorical btw, I don't literally believe this).

Sometimes I'm able to convince myself everything is ok, I am normal, and this is what life is like. But then this delusion will fade the next day. Whichever state I'm in, I see the one that I'm not in now as the delusion, and I honestly don't know which interpretation of my life is real.

I don't get panic attacks at work anymore, so that's something. I used to sit there, get numb fingers, tingling sensations, and feel my chest getting tighter. Sometimes I worry this isn't an improvement and maybe I'm just getting numb to the monotony of my existence.

The one solace I have is spending time with my friends on the weekends. That's fun, but for the rest of the week I feel so alone,and in my head

Anxiety about existence, feeling trapped

Croix — Thu, 12 Mar 2020 10:03:26 GMT

Dear Notquiteright~

Welcome back, and I'm glad to see the panic attacks have been less frequent. While I'm thinking about it I use an app called Smiling Mind to stave them off, it's free on any smartphone and really does help the mind to get away from focusing on the trigger. Takes a bit of practice, but what doesn't. Techniques when it is actually happening I'd expect you will already know (If not sing out).

Given your past anxiety I think you have done a great job (I have it too so know the barriers). You have finished school, obtained your tertiary qualification and found employment, I suspect as a programmer. Excuse me if I'm wrong there.

Going to the gym has been excellent for you in all respects but now seem for some reason to have lost its purpose. I'm not a doctor, just someone else with an anxiety condition plus a couple of other things.

If I was stuck in a job that seemed pointless, did not exercise and stretch my mind, and I felt isolated and ignored then that would over time erode my being. I'd end up in a worse condition than when I started and unfortunately I suspect I'd find that this would seep though into other aspects of my life - much as you and the gym.

Feeling a fraud, failure, and disconnected as in the Truman Show are all things I've felt too. As it happened after a long time I took up study, did OK, that lead to a job where I was stretched, and was appreciated. My self worth increased a lot and my feeling part of the human race returned.

So do you think there are any parallels here?

May I ask if you are still under medical care for your anxiety?

I look forward to talking some more

Croix

Anxiety about existence, feeling trapped

notquiteright — Thu, 12 Mar 2020 23:32:36 GMT

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it.

I think you're right, my feelings of worthlessness brought about by work (or lack of it) definitely seep through to other parts of my life, they sort of emotionally taint everything, like a depressing filter is applied so even though the thing (like gym) hasn't changed and it's still just as good, I see it differently. Although I know this to be true, it doesn't change how I feel in the moment. In the moment it feels like everything is really shit, and I chuck a sort of emotional tantrum in my head. "Why is my life like this?" "Why even bother going to gym" etc. etc. It subsides eventually, and then I feel stupid for thinking such things. It's a bit of a rollocoaster, and I experience it at least once a day. It's very tiring, and I honestly feel like my mind is hijacked for a period, and I can't think rationally. This is the worst thing I experience at the moment.

I think if I found a job where I was stretched, or at least engaged, a lot of my problems would go away.

I did go and see a psychologist for anxiety, but I haven't seen her in a long time. She was kind and helpful, but I wasn't totally honest with her about how I was feeling, partly because she gave a preamble before about how she might have to intervene or some such thing if I said certain things, and I didn't want to cause a scene (especially with family). There's also a lot I just couldn't bring myself to say, because I was scared of being judged and thought of as even more a freak. And if I said them, somehow it would make it more real, and it would destroy any confidence in myself I had left. Not the best mindset to have when seeing a psychologist I know.

Anxiety about existence, feeling trapped

Croix — Fri, 13 Mar 2020 09:44:06 GMT

Dear Notquiteright~

Thanks for coming back and being so frank. I'm pretty sure you know most of the answers already, a better job -no, I'm not suggesting you quit, just start looking, and having targeted medical support based upon the truth.

That last one is tough. I felt that I could never tell anyone I was suicidal, partly because of the stigma -being judged, thought weak and lacking - partly becuse I might immediately be whisked off to hospital without any control. So I can understand when you say you did not level with your psych. Easy to downplay the hard parts.

All medical personnel give a preamble about immediate danger of harm at some stage, not necessarily right at the start. Plus there are a lot that do not go off half cocked, so if you were to take your time and build up mutual confidence and trust then those problems you avoided could be discussed in a non threatening way.

I'd suggest talking it over on the phone with a reputable service such as:

https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/blog/symptoms-and-causes-of-anxiety/

They will talk to you and give advice, they will also tell you the truth. They are a comfort and not prone to panic or judgment.

Please do not be discouraged, life can unrecognizably better, I should know

Let us know how you are getting on

Croix

Anxiety about existence, feeling trapped

therising — Fri, 13 Mar 2020 19:30:54 GMT

Hi notquiteright

You definitely put a lot of valid points across in the way of questioning life. It can be hard going when we're left with more questions than answers.

It's valid to question why a manager is not managing. Is it possible for you to manage the manger, asking them for more work/another project? If you're looking for your job to give you more satisfaction, raising you to certain challenges, and all it appears to be doing is bringing you down, the question becomes 'What would raise you?' Would it involve exploring another avenue in that job or leaving the job altogether?
'...going to the gym 'properly''. Does your work out involve working out stress or dis-ease (at the end of the day) or does it involve working out that tired feeling (aka powering up at the start of the day)? Folk go for different reasons and sometimes the purpose changes over time
'The world has a big secret' aspect. This is an interesting one. For me, life kind of resembles Neo and 'The Matrix'. Of course, I'm not suggesting we can fly off rooftops or do slow mo somersaults in midair, it's more so about acknowledging 2 different realities. One involves following the beliefs or guidelines we've been taught in life. The other reality involves taking constant leaps of faith in our own ability to decide life for our self. The second is the realm of social rebels who have pushed boundaries throughout history. Such people have brought about historical and global shifts in reality because they had no doubt they could, despite what they were told. Their mind was always open to imagination and possibility which led them to focus beyond sufferance
The body is an amazing intelligent thing. I find it definitely works in a metaphorical sense for me a lot of the time. If I have a 'pain in the neck', you can bet someone influenced it. If I have tension in my upper back and shoulders, it typically corresponds with 'having the weight of the world on my shoulders'. If I'm 'buzzing with energy', I'll literally feel it in my hands and feet. If I feel myself 'getting worked up' (to stress or dis-ease/unease), I'll 'work it out'. I'll exhaust the rising stress/energy through long slow breaths out. It calms me down 99% of the time. Instinctively knowing what our body's trying to tell us is an ability worth mastering
'Why is my life like this?' often triggers a quest for greater understanding. On any quest, there will be questions which raise our consciousness and dictate our course

🙂