topic Post Social Event Anxiety in Anxiety

Post Social Event Anxiety

black_rose — Mon, 27 May 2019 05:48:00 GMT

Out of everything I've ever had to deal with Social Anxiety has to be the absolute worst of all, Bipolar seems a walk in the park to this, mostly because at least with Bipolar I know how it can and will affect me. Social Anxiety though is so unpredictable and can rear it's ugly head at any point in social situations. Before, during or after. It's pot luck at which stage it emerges.

Over the weekend I had my oldest and closest friend's 40th birthday, we also dated back when I was 16 for like 6 months, but have remained friends throughout the years, even despite him leaving the country for a decade. We were better suited as friends.

Honestly I planned for and anticipated the anxiety to occur either before or during the event, and had planned for such contingencies, I made sure I had an anxiety pill beforehand and even had an extra one on hand in case of emergency and I needed it. But nope, the night was awesome, I had a blast and the crowd didn't seem to bother me much.

However I wasn't prepared for the anxiety to hit me after the event. Yesterday and Today I've had the worst anxiety, today it has caused me to burst into tears, all because my brain is an a hole and refuses to shut up. Just some of the crippling thoughts echoing through my head:

remember that stupid thing you said, yeah that one, you idiot, I'm sure everyone heard it and thought you were the biggest idiot there.
remember doing that, yeah how dumb, no doubt everyone saw that, you moron
Hahaha, I bet everyone thought you were fat, like an elephant
You know he'll probably never want to speak to you again, I bet his entire family family and all his friends thought you were the biggest idiot there and have probably told him as much
you are too much, next time you should just stay home, it easier!

It's the pits I despise it with everything I have in me. I try telling myself that no one noticed the small stupid things and that they weren't really that stupid and only I noticed them, sadly I cant seem to convince my brain.

Social Anxiety really is the pits...

Post Social Event Anxiety

quirkywords — Mon, 27 May 2019 08:31:58 GMT

Welcome black-rose to the forum and thanks for making your first post.

I read your post with much interest and head nodding. it can be overwhelming when you want to go out and socialise yet you never know whenanxiety will sabotage your social event.

I also have bipolar and I have experienced what you describe as post social event anxiety but I call those thoughts my inner critic.

My inner critic can undermine me even when I feel well but if I am worrying orinsecure my inner critic gets so loud,

I am not sure if that makes sense to you.

There is a thread “ talking to your inner critic . can it be tamed? That you may find useful to

browse.

I have found that fighting back those thoughts of my inner critic and challenge the.

for example remember doing that, yeah no doubt everyone saw that.

I would say what did I do ? I did have a great time, did you see that, I managed to talk to people and cope with the crowd,.

maybe you can try to challenge everyone of those negative thoughts with reason and logic.

I understand how hard it is to get through an event and then have all this negative feedback.

Thanks again for sharing your story. Feel to post as much as you like.

Quirky

Post Social Event Anxiety

black_rose — Mon, 27 May 2019 16:44:53 GMT

Hi Quirky.

Thank you so much for your reply. I read the post you mentioned. I never thought of calling it my inner critic but yes its definitely what it is. I seem to constantly fight with it often. But the suggestion of having words with it sound like a great idea.

Post Social Event Anxiety

Birdy77 — Mon, 27 May 2019 21:36:42 GMT

Dear black_rose,

I just wanted to say how much I recognised myself in your description of how you felt after the party!

I will be fine, thinking back how much fun and then little by little that voice starts to chip away at everything. Then I'm like "oh wow I wish I hadn't said that" or "I wish I hadn't said it like that" even ... and all those things like you listed.

We can be so mean to ourselves. Ruining a nice, fun time like that.

And you did so well ... well done for going, and it's so good that you took care of yourself by having emergency plans etc.

I think naming that inner critic my inner mean girl helps me sometimes to shut it down. My inner mean girl is never mean like that to anybody else, why should I let her be so mean to me, and at any time of the day and night? She needs to be told how mean she is and that that is not ok, I don't deserve that!

I will practice doing that. I hope you can too.

Be extra kind to yourself today, just to make up for old inner-meany-pants ok?

🌻biddy

P.S. I'll probably post this and then hear her saying "oh that post is so lame! Did you seriously just write that crap?! How embarrassing!". And so my practice shall commence in approximately 5 minutes 👍

Post Social Event Anxiety

Birdy77 — Mon, 27 May 2019 21:56:38 GMT

"See, you can't even sign your own name off properly!"

I'll show her:

🌻birdy

Post Social Event Anxiety

quirkywords — Mon, 27 May 2019 23:14:26 GMT

black_rose,

thanks for your reply.

Birdy has given you an encouraging reply.

It is so easy isn’t it how we can just fall into this trap of pulling ourselves down over little things. I often leave the Q off quirky and then start feeling so silly. Also some people have a name for the positive person who encourages us, so we can say what would Sunshine( just an example,) say ?

if we can be aware and examine these mean thoughts it is a start and we can feel more in control,

Quirky

Post Social Event Anxiety

black_rose — Tue, 28 May 2019 04:57:45 GMT

Hi Birdy thank you for your kind words.

Isn't it incredible how our brains will let us be so awful to ourselves, when we would never be so awful to another person.

Recently I have started to refer to my inner critic as my a hole brain. Sometimes I find myself arguing a lot with it. I tell it it cruel and nasty but somedays are harder that others to shut that part of my brain up. It doesn't help that for this particular event it actually meant a lot to me to make a decent impression, which always means it was the perfect opportunity for my brain to especially cruel.

I also guess that it doesn't help that for the first time in about 10 years I find my mental health unraveling, and that the stability I have been enjoying all these years is fast disintegrating before my very eyes and after I put so much hard work into recovery last time. It's terrible. I know that at the moment the issues I'm currently experiencing in my life this time is the cause. Currently I feel like I'm on a precipice, I have decisions I need to make, emotions and feelings to sort out. But right now everything just feels so overwhelming and confusing. Not too mention utterly terrifying.

Post Social Event Anxiety

Birdy77 — Wed, 29 May 2019 01:19:56 GMT

Dear black_rose,

I think our inner meanie knows when we are struggling, when we are not feeling strong and have our emotional energies going overtime, that she can kick us while we're down, really get in there and make us feel even worse. And especially when we want a particular thing to go well or make a good impression.
It's nasty.

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling on the precipice- it's a frightening feeling, and upsetting when you've felt strong for so long. I think that's the nature of depression and anxiety though, well it is for me - things get better, and things fall apart, an ebb and flow - but also life experiences and issues beyond our control come and take us by surprise, which you are dealing with now. That's when we can come undone.

I'm glad you've come here, we get it and understand. Do you have other supports around you at this time as things feel they're unravelling? Having someone to support and listen can make all the difference as you would know.

If you would like to talk some more about how you're feeling about the stuff that's going on, you are always welcome to unload some of your worries here.

🌻birdy

Post Social Event Anxiety

black_rose — Fri, 31 May 2019 08:24:49 GMT

Hi Birdy,

I'm thankful, I have a fair bit of support surrounding me, I'm luckier than most, I have about 3 or 4 friends that I can talk openly and honestly with about how I feel and I know they won't look down on me for it, surprisingly they're people I've known since my late teens, early 20s except one, we just connected one day at a party and we both became a sound board for each other.

I also have a fantastic GP who is very knowledgeable when it comes to mental health. Family, not so much, it's not that I can't talk to them, I can it's just a little harder, family tends to worry more.

My partner, eh, he tries, but certainly isn't the best, he can't always understand that sometimes depression and anxiety associated with Bipolar, sometimes doesn't have a reason and sometimes just is. It's also been really hard to talk to him about a lot of things recently, with everything that has transpired the past year (cheating, fast forward a year, I find a few sex messages to her, more sex messages with strangers, etc). I almost ended the relationship, I basically did, but I took him back, needless to say, a lot of trust that was there is gone, and I'm trying to work out in my head if I can still trust him and whether or not things can change. Which as is to be expected that playing on my mind is a big cause of me deteriorating mental health. But how can I tell him that? I think that's what makes it hard....

Post Social Event Anxiety

quirkywords — Fri, 31 May 2019 22:18:56 GMT

Black rose,

I am sorry you are feeling in a precipice after being healthy for so long. I can relate to that.

Also I stayed in a relationship for far too,long as I thought I would be worse off mentally coping with a break up. It was very hard but I managed to get through it and my mental health improved as I didn’t have the worry of the unpredictability of the realtionship. My ex was an alcoholic so I never knew what mood he would be in .

Would the two,of you be able to talk to a relationship counsellor ? I can see the more this is playing on your mind the more it may affect your health. You have been well so long . Or do,you have a counsellor or psychologist you can talk to.

i think that your health is most important and if that is hard to explain to him on your own, maybe getting help from a counsellor may help.

Take care

Quirky

Post Social Event Anxiety

black_rose — Sat, 01 Jun 2019 15:57:03 GMT

Hi Quirky.

I have to admit these days when it it comes to gaining understanding from my partner, I have a defeatist attitude towards him ever fully understanding. According to him it doesn't make sense and are contradictory. For example, I detest using the phone, I hate ringing people and it honestly causes anxiety, he doesn't understand how I can hate the phone so much because I use to work as receptionist, so he asked what did you then I tried explaining at work is was different, but according to him it's a contradiction and doesn't make sense.

I've tried explaining Bipolar to my partner, some of my friends have, we've given him literature to read, books on Bipolar for dummies and he complains that he doesn't want to read them, that he just wants 'footnotes' so I try to explain and his response is so you're just moody... he doesn't get it from being moody. He has mentioned more times than I can count that he doesn't believe medication is the answer and he would love to see the 'real un-medicated' me. I don't think he comprehends the un-medicated me is an awful person who doesnt care about anything, is angry, suffers persecutory delusions, drinks and takes drugs, or ends up so suicidal that I attempt to end it all. You'd think all the scars I have from my past would point to the fact that meds for me work. I don't think he really gets that when it comes to living with someone with Bipolar the 'footnotes' version just isn't enough.

As far as getting in to see a relationship counselor or just a general counselor I have tried and he always has some excuse, money, doesn't wanna take time off work, time in general. Then of course there's my favorite excuse of all, he asks why can't I do, counsel him. I have a Cert IV in Mental Health and fell short of my Diploma due to placement. He doesn't seem to comprehend how wrong that is on many levels. I am not essentially qualified as a counselor or a proper mental health worker, I am too close to the situation to be impartial and objective and not to mention unethical. He can't understand and complains that I will be pretty crappy in the field if all I can suggest is he see a qualified counselor.

I've practically given up trying to talk to him about feeling cruddy because he tries to 'cheer me up' by sex messaging me trying to make me laugh or something, I don't think he quite get it that it just makes me feel even worse, and even tried telling him that I find it in poor taste. Yup definite defeatist attitude

Post Social Event Anxiety

Birdy77 — Thu, 06 Jun 2019 03:47:11 GMT

Dear black_rose,

I am really pleased to hear that you have 3 or 4 close friends who you feel you can be open with and who support you. That is such a bonus in life. How nice also that they are friends you've known for a long time, so you have some shared history, that's really nice.

I am very sad to hear about what's been going on with your partner.

Not only does he not try to understand your bipolar or the way you feel, he has not been acting in a trustworthy or respectful manner towards you. No wonder you are feeling uncertain about things right now - the one person who is supposed to be there for you has broken your trust (several times by the sounds of it), and is not being a supportive presence in your life, and is not interested in growing together as a couple through counselling.

How has this week been for you?

I hope you are ok, please come and lay any of your worries here, it may help to get some things sorted out in your head about what the best way forward is.

We are here for you.

🌻birdy

Post Social Event Anxiety

black_rose — Sun, 23 Jun 2019 20:29:33 GMT

Hi Birdy.

Thank you.

It has been a tumultuous few weeks here.i caught my partner dirty messaging again. The same woman he had an affair with 12 months ago. I caught him 2 months ago dirty messaging her as well as deleting similar conversations with herand told him to stop. 2 week's ago I caught him dirty messaging her yet again and worse relaying parts of our private conversations together.

To say I flipped my lid is an understatement. Yet again he claimed it was just harmless messages, what's the big deal, I told him that cyber sex is a form of cheating and that to me I saw it as such which I told him the previous time I did. So the fact he continued it knowing I thought so means he cheated.

Things are slightly more complicated than meets the eye. We had an open relationship, but that doesn't mean it's a free for all. It meant honesty and ensuring the other partner was okay with the other person. I was honest, he asked about this person a friend of his I was uncomfortable as o didn't think she quite grasped the concept of open relationships, she ended up falling in love (We later found out,) I have since told him to stop all contact

I wrote him a 4 page letter detailing how he made me feel and some of his statements were equivalent to sexual abuse and blackmail (well if you did x, I wouldn't need to. I also told him that sexual conversations with her is unfair and ultimately hurtful to her and leading her on and to think about how she'd feel of she knew the truth. I also told him that he never really ended the affair despite empty promises so effectively he's been having an affair with her this past year.

I detailed in my letter how betrayed and hurt I was, explained how everything inside is screaming at me to end it to save myself more hurt and that against my better judgement I'm giving him another chance despite my own brain telling me I'm an idiot.

The trust is beyond damaged. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I can't see him in the same way now and wonder if I've made a huge mistake and am so confused as to what to do. He wants me to stop going through his conversations on social media, the platform he uses for his sexual messages. I want to give him that but another part of me just can't. After all he used that to carry on an affair. I don't want to snoop but how can I trust him to do what I've asked when in the past he's abused it.

I'm rambling. I can't sleep tonight, too much going through my head. A freight train would be quieter

Post Social Event Anxiety

quirkywords — Sun, 23 Jun 2019 22:11:03 GMT

black_rose,

Thanks for explaining more about your life and I am sad it is so complicated.

I had a friend in an open relationship and it was complex be ause they could not agree on boundaries.

I am wondering if your partner said he stopped all contact with this woman as you asked would you trust that or would you still want to check messages as you may not trust his word as he has broken it before?

You mentioned your partner wanted footnotes about your bipolar so do you think he read more about bipolar and had a greater understanding of how you feel that would help in gain8ng your trust.

These are just ideas and of course zi do not know all the details so I apologise if they may seem I have simplified things too much.

I hope,you managed to get some sleep and rest and stop that freight train .

Quirky