topic Constant feeling of everyone hating/judging me + just generally not being able to act like a normal grown-ass adult. Help? in Anxiety

Constant feeling of everyone hating/judging me + just generally not being able to act like a normal grown-ass adult. Help?

Peanutbutterfly — Sat, 05 Oct 2019 06:04:07 GMT

I should probably start by saying I've always felt this, even when I was a kid I would question the motives of those around me - because why else would someone be friendly towards me unless they need something?

It's gotten a lot worse recently, to the point where I will just break down and start crying the second anyone expresses any negative thoughts or emotions towards me, or even when they've said something that most other people would interpret as nice.

Today, for example, I called in sick and my boss told me to take the next day off aswell which instantly set me off because if I was a useful member of the team I would have been asked to be there. My rational mind knows that they're probably just not wanting me to show up sick and infect everyone else and if they were really mad I'd probably just be fired on the spot, but I still can't stop the internal monologue of it being my fault because I'm not useful or competent enough for them to want me there.

Anytime I'm given any kind of responsibility it makes me upset because I don't feel like I can do anything right but at the same time I get frustrated with myself when I have no responsibility because that means I'm too stupid to do what everyone else can do with ease.

I don't go out with friends anymore because the second I open my mouth it seems like a chore for my friends to have to listen to me talk. The rest of the time while I'm not hating myself I'm panicking about how I'm going to get home, what if the club I'm at thinks I'm a little too drunk and kicks me out, is everyone secretly laughing at me behind my back because I can't dance, and a million other things.

I'm too nervous to drive because the people on the road are horrible (seriouly, I've been abused because I stopped to check for oncoming traffic for half a second longer than the person behind me would like). I can't catch public transport because coordinating bus and tram timetables also stresses me to the point of tears and shaking.

I've tried different medications (can't even remember what). I felt like none of them made a difference. I've tried just forcing myself to go outside and act like everything's fine which worked for about a week until I flipped out. Talking to people makes me feel invalid. Especially when I've got no actual problems/trauma to cause this, I'm just defective. Then I feel like they think I'm faking it for attention.

I'm tired and worried all the time, and I just don't know what to do with myself.

Constant feeling of everyone hating/judging me + just generally not being able to act like a normal grown-ass adult. Help?

Croix — Sat, 05 Oct 2019 14:28:29 GMT

Dear Peanutbutterfly~

I'd like it welcome you here and thank you for the bravery you have shown in giving such a good description of your problems. Just the fact you voice them will make others realise they are not alone.

For a kid to think "why else would someone be friendly towards me unless they need something?" is a huge burden to bear, and I'd think there might be something behind it causing such negative feelings about yourself. I'm no doctor so it is just a guess based on the feelings I've had about myself in the past.

That self disregard seems to be coming out in how you interpret large portions of your life, assuming your boss did not value your work, that your friends are not interested in you -and all the rest. As well not wanting responsibility, but at the same time needing the challenge and chance of accomplishment. You are no way stupid

OK, you may have tried some medications and gotten nowhere. Medical treatment consists of things that are effective, why else go? Can I suggest you talk with your doctor, say the current meds are not dong their job, and can you have a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist to help deal with this long-standing problem.

It does not necessarily take current events or past trauma to make one feel this way, it can simply be an illness like depression, anxiety or similar. I am sure you are not making it up, and no doctor would think that either.

At the moment your life is so constrained by how you feel, and you deserve a much better fuller life, able to cope with the things that seem like mountains now. Driving or getting a bus should not be the cause of tears and despair.

D you think you would like to have your medical support reviewed?

I'd also like to ask if htere is anyone in your life, family or friend, to lean on right now? Someone who will listen, care and maybe lend perceptive? Another can be a real comfort, I should know, I had my partner.

Croix

Constant feeling of everyone hating/judging me + just generally not being able to act like a normal grown-ass adult. Help?

Peanutbutterfly — Sun, 06 Oct 2019 02:09:46 GMT

Hey Croix,

It's easy to be brave when I'm just an anonymous profile on a website. So even if it amounts to nothing for me, I hope other people can atleast find comfort in relating to my post like you said.

I will follow up with my doctor, because I guess there's not much else that can be done but try to find something that works.

I have been to psychologists/psychiatrists before but have had a lot of issues with my trust being broken when I speak to people about this, especially in my school years. So over time I've just gotten really good at clamming up and pushing people away, which I know is not the healthiest practice but it's how I'm (mostly) coping right now. Plus, seeing psychologists/psychiatrists is so expensive.

Other than professional support there is no one I can lean on, and I know for a fact that this time it's not just in my head - I've tried to speak with friends and family and have had them sigh and say 'what is it now?' In that tone of voice that means 'I don't really want to get involved with this, but I feel like I have to ask because there's no way to politely extricate myself from this situation.' Or just simply brush me off, tell me I'm over reacting and that then go on like I never said anything. This is probably where my feelings of faking at are coming from.

But I feel like I understand this way of thinking, if I were in their shoes listening to me complain would be a burden. It's in their best interests to turn a blind eye and move on with their lives rather than getting stuck in the same place with me. (That's not to say I think they're all horrible people for acting like that. Hell, I probably do it when other people's emotions get to much for me.)

I'm not seeing anyone right now because I know it's unfair on them to be expected to be with me when I'm in such a state.

Thanks for taking the time to lend a hand. I wasn't really expecting anyone to read my vague yelling into the internet void, much less answer.

I hope my reply finds you well,

Peanut

Constant feeling of everyone hating/judging me + just generally not being able to act like a normal grown-ass adult. Help?

Philomena — Sun, 06 Oct 2019 02:36:17 GMT

Hi Peanutbutterfly

You need to relax get sometime for yourself to be alone maybe plan a holiday somewhere. Go places meet people have fun.

Things do get a bit hard if you are stuck in the same situation with the same people or work try to get yourself involved in activities you like to do.

Have confidence in yourself that you can do things and never let anyone underestimate you and try and build your confidence in doing things you never did. Everything is possible in life if only your mind is strong.

its just your feelings that are playing you up don’t give into your feelings push them aside when you feel you can’t and say to yourself “I can do it” try this will help. Feelings play a great part on our minds don’t let them disturb you.

Stay strong be confident always you can do it.

Constant feeling of everyone hating/judging me + just generally not being able to act like a normal grown-ass adult. Help?

Peanutbutterfly — Sun, 06 Oct 2019 03:28:27 GMT

Hello Philomena,

Honestly planning holidays and trips to places I'm not familiar with would be the furthest thing from relaxing that I can think of.

Something usually comes to me in the form of reading and pretending I'm anyone other than myself. It's not fun, exactly, but more of a reprieve from real life. And I'm aware it isn't the most social of activities.

For a while now I've been functioning on just smothering my feelings and telling myself to grow a pair. And I would love nothing more than for my mind to be strong, but sometimes I just can't hold it together anymore. I try to tell myself I can do it but there's always that little nagging voice in the back of my head asking 'what if you can't?'

Thank you for your reply. As I said to Croix, I wasn't expecting anyone to read this so the fact that two internet strangers have bothered to answer means a lot to me.

I will take your advice and try to find an activity I enjoy to get involved in. Maybe a book club or something of the like (Though I'm not even sure if there are any in my area).

I want to be able to do what everyone else can, but it's still scary.

Peanut

Constant feeling of everyone hating/judging me + just generally not being able to act like a normal grown-ass adult. Help?

Croix — Sun, 06 Oct 2019 11:36:01 GMT

Dear Peanut~

The reason you get replies is becuse others understand, have been there, and don't want you to have to tread in their footsteps - in short we care.

OK so those around you may find being confronted by the fact they cannot 'fix' things is unpleasant and frustrating - plus realizing the extent of your state makes that desire to fix even stronger - with nowhere to go. The desire to 'fix' is built-in I'm afraid.

Actually if they could just listen and do nothing else, no expectation of anything they have to do or say that might be a relief for you. Could you say that to them perhaps?

You have tried meds, much as I have. Eventually I found one that has worked, and virtually no side effects. The last few years has been a big change.

As for doctors and psychs, I guess it is a question, like many things in life, of you finding what you need. This may mean trialing a fair number to get one that works for you.

After a few sessions I'm sure you will know if it is on track, and if not and discussions are not working, back to try another. Not every psychologist I went to fit, though I have to admit I've been lucky with psychiatrists.

I'm sorry visits to psychologist and psychiatry ended up with your confidentiality being broken. Was that people you told? No medical person should break confidentiality unless they beleive you are really about to harm yourself or some else. If that were not the case then none would ever talk to them.

With eBooks my library will let me download them like a regular book-loan for free. Maybe yours is similar

I hope we stop being strangers

Croix