topic My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur in Anxiety

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

LesDave — Wed, 08 May 2019 20:49:57 GMT

You might be interested in hearing how I get through the next few weeks. So I'm journaling it.

Some background. I was really struggling with stressful job after job. I quit in October last year because it was all coming in on me. I spent the first 3 months trying to heal. Then the anxiety returned as I realised I needed money and a job. Late February and March were awful. I was driven to tears many times. I started to really get better at self awareness and acceptance and commitment therapy. Out of the blue in late March, I got an offer from a job I was turned down for. So I took it. Well, it was out of the pot into the frying pan. It was so stressful and I made mistake after mistake. It took all my strength not to fall in to a heap. I ended up taking a day off to cope with the stress. Eventually it eased as the project I was on went into a lag period prior to turning on. Well it went live this week and it's a mess. I am really struggling again. I have taken today off. After yesterday (I realise it isn't showing great courage) I felt guilty, and felt really stressed. Trying to stay in the present moment at the moment is difficult. I had no sleep last night worrying about the damage I caused through my mistakes.

Today I plan to try and walk for 3 hours to get rid of the stress hormones. I will try to get into the present moment. I plan to focus on eating better, getting into the present moment, and exercise. If I can get through the next 2 weeks without breaking down it will be a serious victory. I will keep you informed.

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

Billyc — Wed, 08 May 2019 21:41:41 GMT

Hi Les,

Are you seing a GP?

Its great your out there having a go, I can appreciate how crippling anxiety gets. I recently gave up my position, They lined me up for a greater role and a promotion, so apparently I was doing good things.. but I couldn’t get past what was going on in my head..

so I have it up, it’s madness to think I could be on a very good good salary with my skills and experience, but I’d rather accept charity assurance from st Vincent’s we Paul than put myself through the torment again..

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

LesDave — Thu, 09 May 2019 00:43:10 GMT

I was medicated for 25 years. I tried many different meds. in the end I realised it was a bandaid that had numbed most of my life. I had been numb and life had just gone completely past and getting into retiring years I had no savings and no plans. So I spent the past 2 years getting off meds and trying to do it naturally. I am going to really try to be clean for 2019. It's a struggle, but if it doesn't work out I will just try meds again.

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

LesDave — Thu, 09 May 2019 21:03:54 GMT

So yesterday I took the day off. I walked 14km and felt much better. Then I got home and the anxiety started again. The voices. so I got out and made calls to people at work. Nobody answered. Finally someone did and they said there were issues and we were being blamed. For a while I was stricken with grief. But then I got angry and started to plan my response. I seemed to settle after that and got sleep. At 3.30am I was woken with the voices about today. I went and did an 8km walk. I am home now, about to get ready to face the music. I am not sure how things will go today, but my anxiety is really bad. I am trying my best to settle it.

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

Billyc — Thu, 09 May 2019 21:46:43 GMT

Hi Les,

what do you mean by voices? Are you referring to your thoughts? Which I understand can be quite loud at times.. or are you hearing voices?

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

geoff — Thu, 09 May 2019 23:34:20 GMT

Hi LesDave, I'm sorry that this is happening to you and I'm sure other people could relate to what you told us, It's not easy especially when stress wears you down and can cause changes in your body that affect your overall physical, mental, and emotional health and this seems to be happening unfortunately.

These voices you are hearing takes you into another dimension and would also very much like to know about them.

You have stopped the meds so can I ask whether you are getting any counselling, sorry but I should be asking you this.

Take care.

Geoff,

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

LesDave — Fri, 10 May 2019 21:32:23 GMT

yes they are thoughts. Not voices. And yes, they get pretty loud

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

LesDave — Fri, 10 May 2019 21:35:22 GMT

The voices are my thoughts. I have arguments with people in the past, and worrying thoughts about the future. Yesterday ended up being quite a great day. I felt so relieved it was over. I remember walking home and noticing I was having long sighs. I noticed they were relief type characteristics. I think a lot of what I am worrying about is the job. Trouble is, I need a job and I am unlikely to find anything else.

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

Billyc — Fri, 10 May 2019 23:12:57 GMT

Hi Les

keep your journal going, I, along with many others come here a lot to read posts like yours because it is very helpful, so thankyou

I’m in a similar spot to you, 3 months ago I walked away from a career “high” position at a well established firm. I walked away because my thoughts got the better of me, I would show up with a world of anxiety, I just couldn’t separate that world from the world that really was..,

shortly after I left, some directors came forward and expressed their disappointment that I couldn’t stay as they liked having me around and that’s they liked the work I did.

just yesterday I’ve been invited back for a coffee as they want me to come back. “Normally” this would be a promotion in anyone’s book, but for me it feels like a crippling situation that I could easily avoid if I just stay here where I am in this dark room all by myself and my thoughts..

we all know that to take this opportunity is the best way forward.,.

but it’s not the safe route.. I’m with you les..I get where your at..

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

LesDave — Sat, 11 May 2019 05:21:36 GMT

I've been trying for 20 years to get back into a more stable and less stressful job. The trouble with the work I do is that it labels you. It's project work, and very demanding. I have never even managed to get to interview stage at a normal job from over 500 applications. I am stuck with it unless a miracle comes along one day.

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

Billyc — Sat, 11 May 2019 12:28:24 GMT

What do you do les?

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

LesDave — Sun, 12 May 2019 06:42:20 GMT

I would prefer to keep details off a public forum that can identify me.

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

LesDave — Sun, 12 May 2019 06:48:17 GMT

Now the weekend is drawing to a close I can feel the anxiety lifting again. I walked 15km this morning and felt really good. I know it's situational. The problem is there has always been 'another' situation. That's why learning to deal with this outside of drugs is so important now. I realise all I've been doing my whole life is running from one stressful situation to the next. I need to learn what is real and what is imagined. This week is going to be tough. I move at work at the end of this week. The job I am going to will be a lot less stressful. But I keep imaging I will be sacked before the week is over. Keep me in your prayers and thoughts as I navigate this week. It is going to be tough.

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

LesDave — Mon, 13 May 2019 19:52:29 GMT

Monday start and finish were different. Hardly slept at all Sunday night worrying about work. Forced myself on the bus and felt uncomfortable all day. Every time the phone rang or people started talking I worried it was a mistake I made. Late in the afternoon I was asked to fix something. I was pretty crippled with anxiety and the computer was making it hard stalling. I did not control my anxiety very well and need to do better. By late afternoon is was all over and there were no real problems.

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

LesDave — Fri, 17 May 2019 22:18:53 GMT

Made it through the toughest 8 weeks for 15 years. Closed off a project and I am moving forward to a new one. I learned so much about myself and anxiety. I hope this might work for me and others.

All this worry does nothing positive. Worrying about things does not serve as a self defence mechanism to help you plan how to deal with negative things that might eventuate. I learned to sit down and write about all the things I was worrying about and create worst and best case scenarios. I did my worrying on paper. Once I had thought about it and written it down, the anxiety eased.

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

Billyc — Sat, 18 May 2019 01:06:35 GMT

A very positive note les.

I like to physically pat myself on the back on occasion when I’ve handled things well, I invite you to do the same..

well done Les

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

LesDave — Mon, 20 May 2019 08:41:31 GMT

Today was largely free of anxiety. First day on new project. I deleted the old project account so I would not be beat up by reminders of bad things. The phone rang a few times and I was worried it was a call back to the past. But largely I got through the day free on anxiety. For me it proves it was situational in a way

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

Billyc — Mon, 20 May 2019 09:52:50 GMT

Les

pat yourself on the back.. tomorrow is going to be a whole lot worse for you..

today, pat yourself on the back, it may not come again for a while...

tell me you pat yourself on the back..

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

jollydolly — Tue, 21 May 2019 04:30:19 GMT

What a legend you are. I just read your story and am feeling so happy for you! You fought really hard and should be proud of yourself for keeping on going. I know how hard it is. Good luck for the future.

My journey the past 6 weeks. I'll update as changes occur

LesDave — Tue, 21 May 2019 19:45:58 GMT

One thing I've noticed about myself and anxiety is that while I am under pressure I realise the need to exercise and eat well. As the pressure eases, I become lazy and start eating badly. As if I feel like I need to take a rest period. Right now I am struggling to motivate myself to get up after such a long period of sustained stress. I am eating really badly and can't seem to push myself to go for a walk. This is my goal for this week to eat better and start exercising again. I feel the weight piling on.