topic Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together in Anxiety

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

G.P — Wed, 19 Feb 2020 10:38:47 GMT

Hello!

This is my first post, so I am a little anxious about sharing and writing about what's going through my head, but I'll give it a go...

It seems silly, but I'm anxious about turning this new age, especially with my birthday so soon. I recently started seeing a psychologist because mentally things have been overwhelming for me - asides from turning 30. I think it's just this age that's perpetuated this feeling more so. I feel this way because I can't help but look at my friends and family who to me, have their sh*t together - married, living out of home, successful careers etc.), living proper adult lives.

Currently I'm living at home (which makes me feel unaccomplished and incompetent, because I feel like I haven't even achieved that!), and I'm the last of the siblings (there's 3 of us, me being the eldest) still living at home, which then makes me feel incapable because I'm not as independent as I'd like to be. Then part of me gets either jealous or just beating myself up and thinking of myself as inadequate. I know some of it is the high expectations that I've set for myself, with the thinking that, "I should have completed this, or achieved that", and it continues to make me feel sick when I haven't hit these. I find myself having to avoid conversations of people's good news, and I know I should be happy for them - now I sound like the worst person 😕

Because of all of this, I've found myself living in a lot of fear for a very long time - I'm a very anxious driver and find myself reliant on others to take me places, which then also brings my self-confidence down when people ask why I don't drive... I find myself getting angry at little things, and then other times being quite ok with myself. I'm also not great with confrontation, and find my confidence lacking at work when it comes to being more direct and communicative.

The moments when I do feel ok is after exercise which helps, but it's quite temporary. Or sometimes when I'm a quiet space. But sometimes these thoughts get the better of me.

My psychologist mentioned that I've trapped myself, a part of me agrees, another part of me doesn't... I'm not sure how to get out of this negative spin cycle, sorry for the rant..

Thanks,

G.P

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

Onetrez — Wed, 19 Feb 2020 12:54:35 GMT

Hello G.P,

First your not alone...

I was married with two children still living at home till I was 30. I was constantly feeling like I was never achieving my potential. Even when we moved out I have still been spiraling feel like I am under achieving.

A friend recently told me that we measure sucess by our vain sence of material possessions, we talk about our houses and cars and jobs. But we dont focuse on hour happyness, we never ask if a person is happy. I thought that sound funny at first but then i realized people hate there jobs, they worry about there cars and overspend on there morgage.

Our happyness is acheved by us. Its waging a day off work and taking "me time" it going somewhere new and trying somthing we have always wanted to do.

I dont have an answer for the anxeity or the short fuse but your not alone. dont judge yourself to badly. After all there are people is far worse places.

maybe this week try iceskating...

OneTrez

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

therising — Wed, 19 Feb 2020 19:10:44 GMT

Hi G.P

OneTrez offers great support and advice especially in '...Its waging a day off work and taking "me time" it going somewhere new and trying somthing we have always wanted to do.'

We typically start life as high vibers, where just about nothing can bring us down. I imagine we don't think, when learning to walk, 'Oh, bugger, I fell over. Well, I'm not trying that again!' We naturally get up again and again until we've mastered the challenge of walking. We seek regular excitement and adventure. We don't consider all that destructive self judgement and judgement of others. We really are super natural little creatures when we start off in life. So, what happens?

We become grounded in responsibility, social awareness and a host of other factors. Of course, there's nothing wrong with a little grounding, it serves a purpose, but when things become out of balance we can forget how to live.

Two other natural aspects of self involve asking 'Why?' (that question most 3 year olds are typically told to stop asking) and the drive to rise to challenges. Whether we faced the challenge of climbing some massive tree as a kid or the challenge of nagging our parents until they gave us what we wanted, we naturally went with it.

Suddenly when the curious child in us returns, we begin asking 'Why?' all over again. Why am I not married? Why am I living at home? Why can't I find happiness? The problem with this questioning involves the idea that we may never have been taught how to find answers. That 3yo I spoke of may never have been inspired to remain a natural detective in life, with the skills required to master sleuth work.

I find the elements of the child to be the same elements that raise us as adults. We must be curious or wonderful(l) enough to try new things. We must rise to challenges, sometimes without a 2nd thought. The 1st thought is the one that typically drives us, whereas the 2nd is often the one that stops us from rising. Whilst the chemistry and cells in our body thrive on being excited, we are challenged to become excitement seekers again, in an effort to recalibrate our internal systems after years of low or grounded vibing. I believe the greatest challenge, above all, is to stop thinking so much. Meditating on thinking less, allows trusted intuition to gradually creep back in. Here's where life's flow begins again.

When our most natural self has gradually become dismembered over time (in one way or another), we must master remembering our self.

🙂

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

G.P — Thu, 20 Feb 2020 12:40:18 GMT

Hi OneTrez,

Thank-you for hearing me out, it's assuring to know that I am not alone in all of this, because admittedly it does get lonely.

I like what you say here about how we're driven to measure success not by happiness, but by material possessions, titles and the like - it's so interesting, but the truth. And I think not having all the "milestones" ticked off is what's making me freak out and be unhappy... I guess it's about shifting that thinking.

Self-expectation and beating myself about things has been a long, enduring problem - it's something that I'll need to unlearn and include in my self-talk. I mean when I start to think about it, there are things that are working out for me, so in that light it doesn't seem as bad...

But it's the emotional waves and triggers that I find myself getting caught in, particularly when I start comparing myself to others. Having more "me-time" and new distractions (like ice-skating) could help, I'll see how I go 🙂

G.P

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

G.P — Thu, 20 Feb 2020 13:06:16 GMT

therising - thank-you!! 🙂

The different life stages you've depicted here and how our "Why" changes as we grow up resonates - when we're younger we fearlessly test this "why" more, but as we start to develop and form our own beliefs we lose that fearlessness or conform, and make it a part of our core belief system - whether it's through upbringing, culture, society, environment, it becomes unshakeable until it becomes out of balance as you say.

I know for a long time I haven't questioned my belief systems until this point, where I've started to realise that what I thought was helping me, is no longer serving or benefiting me, rather the opposite - it's making me unbalanced. And it has brought again that question of "Why" into play - some of which is daunting for me to start to answer.

I agree with you on not being shown on how to find answers on happiness, which I think is linked to the anxious, overwhelming feeling I get. Not knowing where to start can be confronting.

Your advice here though is something I can take away.

"I believe the greatest challenge, above all, is to stop thinking so much. Meditating on thinking less, allows trusted intuition to gradually creep back in. Here's where life's flow begins again.

When our most natural self has gradually become dismembered over time (in one way or another), we must master remembering our self."

Thanks again! 🙂

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

Guest_1643 — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 03:58:30 GMT

HI Gp, Nice to meet you. I agree so much of our worries are from overthinking and demanding we achieve things constantly, without really celebrating who we are and what we contribute just by being.
Thank you for posting your fears. You expressed yourself very well. I think 30 is young (im 35) and that asking these questions now is a good way to get help. Why do you think you have trapped yourself?
It has taken me a long time to feel independent, even when I was. So I understand, to some extent.

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

Carpetenthusiast — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 12:28:56 GMT

Hey man I also still live at home, I'm 28. I also have quite a bit of debt, and work at a restaurant. I'm going back to university though, and living at home means I can do it more comfortably. Living at home isn't a bad thing, it means you have support of some kind. People in other countries live at home endlessly, families stay together. So there is nothing inherently wrong with it. In fact, I think living at home is becoming more common especially with high property prices. Add to that a mix of culture from overseas. You don't need to rush or hurry anything, in fact taking your time means you can save more money and do things calmly.

I shouldn't be one to talk, I have so many anxiety issues but as for this sort of thing that you're talking about, a particular youtube channel called "School of Life", which was made by a modern day philosopher by the name of "Allain De Botton", helped me quite a bit. There's quite a few videos on there, which capture the general gist of what everyone is saying here. I also read some of his books, I would recommend "The Consolations of Philosophy", by Allain.

We can't be successful in everyway, we are only human. You don't have to define your version of success by other people's criteria. Look into some ancient philosphers such as "Epicurus", and the "Stoic" philosophers like "Marcus Aurellius". Marcus was a Roman Emperor who wrote a journal called "Meditations". I regularly read his book at the library. These people had different definitions of success and happiness.

Personally, I have this belief that even if I do want material possessions and some of "mainstream" definition of success, the best way is not to feel "inadequate" about my current state, which will actually get in the way. Accepting the current state of things actually has an opposite effect of letting you even change it more easily, more calmly with no hurry.

I'll leave you with an example video from Allain De Botton, who I don't agree with on every point, but some of his ideas and his takes on other ancient philosophers have given me great strength. I'll leave you with a video where he explains the concept called "Wu Wei", which means "do nothing". It's called EASTERN PHILOSOPHY: Wu Wei on the School of Life Youtube channel.

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

G.P — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 10:10:21 GMT

Nice to meet you to Sleepy21!

Thank-you for your words and insight, as well as just listening 🙂 I like that you mentioned that we should "celebrate" who we are more, because I know for myself that I tend to forget, or just ignore who I am because I get caught up in the next thing on my "to do list".

I know it's going to be a long road to unpack some of the thoughts of feeling like I have trapped myself. I hope it does lead me to feeling more confident and independent. I think the hardest part is trying to stop the cycle and not get caught in the loop. Thanks for understanding!

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

G.P — Mon, 24 Feb 2020 10:48:02 GMT

Hi Carpetenthusiast,

Thanks for sharing this with me, and opening up, I really appreciate it.

I think you’re right in saying that living at home does have its benefits and isn’t such a bad thing - particularly as it has become normal, and has been the way already for other countries and cultures. When you mention “taking your time” and “not rushing”, you’ve hit the nail on the head for me, because in my mind, I’ve always had this timeline that by x age, I should be at x point in my life and vice versa. But knowing that I can do things more calmly makes me feel more at ease. I think what gets to me is this pressure that I add, or even the societal pressure that I feel, and sometimes embarrassment or fear of judgement when I talk about these things with others…

Thank-you for the below bit of insight 🙂

We can't be successful in everyway, we are only human. You don't have to define your
version of success by other people's criteria. Look into some ancient philosphers such as "Epicurus", and the "Stoic" philosophers like "Marcus Aurellius". Marcus was a Roman Emperor who wrote a journal called "Meditations". I regularly read his book at the library. These people had different definitions of success and happiness.

Your words here are also powerful:

I can say that thinking of my current situation as inadequate has definitely heightened these negative feelings. I think it’s because that it’s exactly that, I’m not accepting the current state of things and looking to work around it with what I’ve got. Thank-you!

Your recommendation of Alain de Botton has made me smile, I’ve read one of his books, although not yet the ones you’ve mentioned. I like his take and some things, and how he challenges us to see things a bit differently. I’ll need to add his other books to my reading list, along with the other philosophers, and resources such as School of Life, that you’ve mentioned here.

Thanks again! 🙂

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

Guest_1643 — Tue, 25 Feb 2020 05:54:30 GMT

Hey Gp, great to hear from you. It sounds like you're doing a lot to help yourself - well done. It's a big step to go see a psychologist. I hope you are feeling goointd. I understand it's confusing to feel like one has trapped yourself... i think a lot of people feel that way. You are really insightful and post interesting things, i hope you keep coming back 🙂

When I turend 30 I went to another country to escape the pressure. I should've just looked in the mirror and accepted by complex, historied, fun and sometimes sad 30 y.o. self. Oh well, had a good holiday anyway 🙂

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

G.P — Mon, 09 Mar 2020 12:36:52 GMT

Hey Sleepy21 - thanks for the reassurance, I've been a bit MIA I admit - high and low waves have hit me. But seeing the psychologist for the first time before posting here was definitely a big move. I'll be seeing them again soon, and feel like there's still a lot I'll need to work through. But I'm learning to take the small wins, and I'm glad that there's support here in this community also, it's good to be heard and uplifted by those who are in a similar position 🙂

When they mentioned I trapped myself, it was hard to hear, because I naturally just wanted to blame that feeling on someone or something - and there are still those moments for sure. It just didn't make sense, and you're right in saying that others would feel this way too.

What I've recently learned and explored is that this trapped feeling has in part been imposed by my parents through their conservative belief systems and values that they didn't realise had effected me so much - it was passed on in good faith, but now means that I've lived in so much anxiety and fear for years to "follow" their way of living, when I don't agree with all of their beliefs and values. I think I've always tried to fit in and be the good child, but it just doesn't work for me anymore, and as a result naturally I just question and move away from it all.

In saying that I'm trying to shift my thinking more - it's such a big unlearning process, especially since I'm so wired to think negatively. But I read somewhere the other day that

"We're not determined by our past experiences, but the meaning we give is self-determining" - I'm hoping that this will remind me to get less triggered, because honestly I'm quite frustrated and angry that it's come to light that my parents' way of thinking has and will likely continue to impact my current and future life 😞

The other thing, I have now hit the 30 club, and it's hit me with a tonne of bricks with all of this anxiety and self-growth. I'm still a complex mess filled with self-doubt and worry that I'm not moving forward, and I guess it doesn't disappear overnight.

I feel like everything is a perpetual project list that I have to do to better - get my lack of driving sorted, think about how I can live happily while at home, stop the comparing etc. It's overwhelming to know where to start when it feels like I'm in emergency mode to get it all done 😞

Also, I'm definitely in need of a holiday now! Happy to take suggestions on where I should experience 30 elsewhere 🙂

G.P

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

Guest_1643 — Thu, 12 Mar 2020 02:00:32 GMT

Hey GP

hope you're feeling okay. I read your post and wanted to commend you on your honesty and self-reflection. Are your family supportive? Does the pressure come from them as well, or mainly within? Glad to hear about the shift you feel and hope it gives you more internal peace taht in turn, reflects in your life. Hope you're doing well with the psychologist, too!

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

G.P — Thu, 12 Mar 2020 11:37:01 GMT

Thanks Sleepy21 - it was a hard realisation, but it's helped me to unpack some of this stuff that I've been carrying for so long. At this point, it's a bit tense with family - trying not to step on each other's toes etc. They're supportive with some parts of my life, but not others. I think the pressure is both from them and myself. It's an implied/unwritten rule kind of pressure that they didn't realise they passed on which they confirmed and was hard for me to swallow. Then the pressure from within is for me to just hurry up get over myself, let go of my anger somehow, and my unnecessary fears so I can move forward, while somehow pleasing myself and others. I just sound complicated now... It's an ongoing internal battle, hoping I'll get more insight from psychologist. Fingers crosssed!

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

Guest_1643 — Tue, 17 Mar 2020 08:40:21 GMT

just wanted to say hi .... i'm sorry it is tense with your family and there is pressure in some areas of your life, unwritten rules can be very powerful in families, from my experience. They are very forceful and we just gulp them up as kids. How's it going with your psychologist, if you don't mind me asking??? Fingers and thumbs crossed .... hope it goes great!!

Overwhelmed - Turning 30 - Feel like I don't have my life together

G.P — Sun, 29 Mar 2020 05:51:07 GMT

Hey Sleepy21, thanks for checking in! Sorry it's been a while. A lot has happened since you posted last. As you say unwritten rules in families are powerful and this was reiterated again this month. Their view in life is vastly differently from mine, and our differences just came to light more so, particularly with my relationship with my partner. They're more spiritually connected, which I respect, whereas because of their imposed values on life I've become a bit more pragmatic and not so accepting of their beliefs, but still they're forcing it down on me with their argument that "it's out of our love for you, we have your best interests in mind". I think it's more of an excuse. What they don't realise is that they're "love for me" is going to put me out financially over the next few years. I'm disappointed and frustrated by this.

Things are going ok with my psychologist, I mentioned the above to her, and she suggested discussing it further with my parents and bringing to light the impact on my mental health. Her advice was sound about stopping myself from seeking approval from others and going on with my decisions without their blessing. So I opened up the conversation again, and they're too stubborn to really hear or understand my situation. We amicably agreed that it's best that I move out to find myself. This is good for the short term, but the long term it puts me out financially. I've put on hold the moving out plan because of the current climate with the virus.

Just hoping as well that things get better for me...