topic Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well in Anxiety

Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well

Nervybella — Fri, 05 Nov 2021 02:47:51 GMT

Hi all

So I’m really worried about my mum. I’m not sure where to begin with describing her but bottom line is that I am sure she suffers from some mental health issues but is yet to seek help or be diagnosed.

for context, mum can be the most loving and caring person, but can also be rude and cold to some people. She is both overbearing and a recluse.
her mood swings from happy to sad to irritated.
she can’t just sit and relax.
her money habits are out of control.
she’s impulsive.
can be disorganised and forgetful

this is really starting to put a strain on our relationship and the relationship between my parents too.

I desperately want her to seek help because I truly believe she CAN be helped but she is so defensive and not responsive to my concerns

where Do I go from here?….

best, Bella

Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well

Sophie_M — Fri, 05 Nov 2021 04:29:16 GMT

Hi Nervybella,

Thank you so much for sharing this here. We’re so sorry to hear how you worry for your mum. We can hear you’re a really caring family member and your concerns come from such a loving and supportive place.

I’m sure we’ll hear from our amazing community soon, but in the meantime, we wanted to share a couple of pages with you in case they interest you:
A really good previous thread on supporting a parent who doesn’t want to get help
When someone you care about won’t seek support
10 ways to be there for someone
If you’re thinking about what kind of support might help here, you can have a deeper look into a few options here.

It’s also really important to check in with yourself while you’re going through this, so it might be good to have a look at our pages on looking after yourself while supporting someone. There’s a really useful part about how it can affect relationships which might be useful to you, too.

The Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you if you’d like to talk this through on 1300 22 4636, or via online chat. It is so important that you look after yourself during these times and they can help you, or just be there if you want to talk.

Thanks again for sharing here. We really appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing and offering your support here on the forums, so we hope you can be kind to yourself also through this time.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well

Petal22 — Fri, 05 Nov 2021 05:52:57 GMT

Hi Nervybella,

Im sorry to hear about your mum, I understand it would be a difficult situation to deal with.

I can see how much you love your mum, you can only keep trying to support her in a encouraging loving way.

Maybe ask her if she would be interested in seeing her gp in regards to how she has been feeling?

We are here as a community to support you.

Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well

Banksy92 — Fri, 05 Nov 2021 05:59:29 GMT

Hello Nervybella,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out about your mum. As Sophie mentioned, it's clear in your post you really care for her wellbeing. I'm sure it is also taking a toll on yourself as well. Have you considered speaking with a councillor or psychologist to get some support for yourself while you navigate this time with your mum?

It can be really difficult to help someone who is closed off about their troubles and by the sounds you've tried speaking with her about it and it hasn't gone well. Sorry to hear this. I had a similar situation with my mum growing up, as she was deeply troubled and rejected the idea of help strongly.

Have you tried speaking with your other parent about it? Perhaps the two of you can approach her together to just ask her about how she's feeling and how you might be able to support her, without specifically saying you think she needs to see anyone about it?

Just being there for her and making it known she has support and love around her when she feels ready can speak volumes as well.

Is this a recent issue, or has she been like this for a long time?

Hope to hear from you.

Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well

Nervybella — Fri, 05 Nov 2021 11:49:37 GMT

Hi Banksy

thabks for your reply.
im an only child so very close with my parents. My dad feels the same way I do and we have both tried speaking to her separately but she just isn’t responsive to it. She immediately becomes defensive and closes off.
it’s absolutely an ongoing issue, even before I was born dad has shared some examples of things mum did which are similar traits to what she does now.

im ok in the fact I have dad and a really good friendship group to lean on. I just want something to change as I hate having this strain on our relationship. I believe mum would be able to be helped by seeing a psych and maybe being medicated?? But I just don’t see her being open to it

Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well

quirkywords — Fri, 05 Nov 2021 21:58:55 GMT

Nervybella

I can see how hard itis fir your and your dad.

I can relate to your mum too as I was behaving like that in my late teens but was in denial.

I knew there was something different but I preferred to be defensive and tell everyone to leave me alone and that they had the problem.

the trick I feel is to get her when she is in a good mood and not stressed and not make it about her needing help or her being the problem.I realise this is hard and you care so much for her.

would she go to the doctor if she has a gp she trusts. If this behaviour has been going on for years I am surprised that a gp would not have noticed, have aunts and uncles and cousins commented. .?
does your mum do paid or volunteer work.?

when she has mood changes are they daily weekly or monthly like is she up for a month or so the down for a month or a few cycles in same day.

Has her behaviour ever been that you felt she needed to go to hospital.?

I agree with Sophie you do need support for you as it is draining for you.

feel free to ask questions

Sometimes listening and being supportive like you are doing is all you can do as you know the more you push your mum the more she gets defensive.
I resented being the problem and propel telling me what to do.

Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well

Nervybella — Sat, 06 Nov 2021 02:39:24 GMT

Hi Quirky

thanks for the reply

I think she can hide it pretty well and only really shows his side of herself at home. She’s held down a pretty good job in government sector for 15 years or so.
I think that’s what I get frustrated about because I can see she is capable of functioning and having stable mood but it doesn’t happen.

she hates going to a doctor. Whenever she is sick it takes some convincing for her to get help

in regard to mood swings it’s a bit irregular I guess so we could go two days where she has mood swings multiple times a day then stable for a week or longer then back again

if you don’t mind me asking… did you eventually seek help? We’re you ever diagnosed with anything?

Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well

quirkywords — Sat, 06 Nov 2021 07:36:19 GMT

Nervybella

I was diagnosed with manic depression now bipolar @6 but didn’t seek treatment till I was in my early 30s. Also we are talking back in 70s when I was diagnosed,

I was not capable of holding down a job for long or doing study,

Everyone is different, some people can cope at work but without their routine their moods and behaviour maybe erratic..

when you say her money habit are out of control, has she big debts in her credit cards or does she spend too much on items she doesn’t need.

Feel free to ask any questions.

I think if she can ho,d down a job she maybe won’t want to seek help until she find herself with some problem that she can’t cope with due to her behaviour.

Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well

Nervybella — Sun, 07 Nov 2021 11:06:17 GMT

Hi Quirky

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. That sounds tough to deal with

spending habits… she’s very impulsive so will buy things just because she wants to. Mainly clothes. She also racked up a large credit card debt and hid it from my dad for many years. He only found out by chance because he accidentally opened the bill one day…

I agree that while her day to day isn’t effected she isn’t likely to seek help. However it’s effecting those around her so I’d like to think she would seek help for our sake but really don’t know. I just don’t know how to broach the subject

whT Kind of treatment did you undergo that helped you ?

Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well

geoff — Sun, 07 Nov 2021 14:18:14 GMT

Hello Nervybella, mothers may feel as they have a constitution that may not need attention after having babies and this could be difficult for them to seek medical help.

Geoff.

Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well

Banksy92 — Tue, 09 Nov 2021 09:56:33 GMT

Hi Nervybella,

Just wondering, how would you feel about maybe writing your mum a letter about how you feel? So you can really take your time to frame everything in a gentle way? You could even ask your dad for help and do it together. Then approaching her with it when she's feeling relaxed and see where it leads...

Just an idea. It's something I have done with my mum in the past which was a helpful step because I get too emotional trying to express myself and it makes it hard to communicate with logic.

Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well

mmMekitty — Tue, 09 Nov 2021 10:53:01 GMT

Excuse me, Nervybella, but this is to Geoff.

geoff said:

Hello Nervybella, mothers may feel as they have a constitution that may not need attention after having babies and this could be difficult for them to seek medical help.

Geoff.

Could you explain how you intend readers to understand what you are saying? I looked & thought, 'WHAT?!' What on earth does a woman's constitution either before, during or after pregnancy have to do with her ability to accept that she may need to seek medical or psychological advice for herself? What equivalent theory would you suggest would be reason for a man who is a father, as opposed to one who is not, rejecting that he may need to seek medical or psychological advice for themselves?

Maybe it's me, & I just don't understand what you have said. As it stands, it sounds offensive to me, out-of-touch & out-of-date.

I would like to hear your respons before I report your post.

mmMekitty

Worried about my mum - I don’t think she’s well

David35 — Wed, 24 Nov 2021 09:42:48 GMT

My mum is similar. I live with her and even though I can see issues with her and make suggestions, it just makes things worse (grief counseling for her husbands passing). To make matters worse, she was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year and although it looks like she will be okay, it has taken its toll on both her and myself.

I ended up ringing the Carers SA hotline, 1800 422 737 and have organised some counseling for myself. There's also a website for carers https://www.carerssa.com.au/ which may help.