topic Relapse to disordered eating in Anxiety

Relapse to disordered eating

_Nik_ — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 05:36:59 GMT

Hey, I've been going through a lot lately. When I say 'a lot' I mean a lot of change. Last year I was a mess, everything seemed to be going wrong. And I admit that for the first term of school, things weren't any better, and in some cases they were worse. But one day I was texting my closet friend (cornflakes) about being extremely hungry and wishing I could eat. He encouraged me to eat something, after all I admitted to him that I was hungry. We argued a bit, and the night ended with me eating a small thing in order to 'prove him wrong'.

Before this I had tried many times to eat properly, but I'd never last long. This is my longest time that I've managed.

But, things are getting really hard right now. Every time I want to eat, it's a battle with my mind. Pros and cons are all I think about. Am I eating too much? Should I be eating? Am I sick enough. Everyday is tiring. But I had an anxiety attack yesterday, and today feels just the same. Like I am going to relapse. Like all of this is for nothing. Like I am not worth enough to eat.

How do I get this stupid voice to shut up? I want to be normal again so bad. But it's really hard. I don't know what to do.

- Nik

Relapse to disordered eating

Sophie_M — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 05:50:23 GMT

Hi ~Nik~,

We understand how difficult it can be to reach out for support, but we are so glad that you've done so here today. It sounds like you’ve been feeling very overwhelmed with these thoughts and feelings around eating, and we are sorry that you’re in such a tough space right now. But please know that you’re not alone in this and that our community is here to work through this difficult time with you. We also want to let you know that we are checking in with you via email.
We hope that you keep updating the community here on your thread to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.

Relapse to disordered eating

_Nik_ — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 06:36:13 GMT

Hey,

I just wanted to inform you that I will not be able to reply to the email, as I am firstly, not comfortable with doing so, and my phone calls and such are monitored closely by my parents, which results in my not being able to do anything. Sorry.

- Nik

Relapse to disordered eating

Sophie_M — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 07:15:35 GMT

Hi Nik,

If you would prefer, do you think you would feel up to reaching out to our Support Service through Webchat? It is available 3pm-midnight at https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support and one of our counsellors will be able to have a chat to you about how you have been feeling.
Another really great option would be to reach out to Kids Helpline who have Webchat available 24/7 at https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling. They will be able to support you and talk through some options with you that can help you through this. You're not alone in this.

Relapse to disordered eating

_Nik_ — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 08:21:57 GMT

Hey,

Thank you. Yes, I would prefer this as an option. Perhaps I will check it out tomorrow.

- Nik

Relapse to disordered eating

romantic_thi3f — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 00:00:30 GMT

Hi ~Nik~

Thank you for your post and I appreciate you reaching out. I hear you and can relate with the stupid voice in your head. It can feel so exhausting if it's day in and day out.

I hope that you don't mind me asking; but what does a relapse look like for you? If you feel like you aren't eating enough and you decide to eat, what is the worst thing about that? Is it the ultimate fear that you might gain more weight? You don't have to answer this if you don't like, but it does help me understand a little bit about where you are at right now.

For what it's worth, you do deserve to eat. I don't know you at all but I believe everyone everywhere deserves to eat. Eating helps us to stay alive, which is kind of important 🙂

The other resource you could try out is The Butterfly Foundation www.thebutterflyfoundation.org.au They offer web-chats too. I've used them and found them super helpful and supportive.

Relapse to disordered eating

_Nik_ — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 03:37:16 GMT

Hey,

To answer your questions:

A relapse to me is skipping at least two meals in a row. I occasionaly skip one because I am not hungry (or convince myself that is the case) or am having a tough time battling the voices.

If you feel like you aren't eating enough and you decide to eat, what is the worst thing about that?

the worst thing about that is probably the feeling that I don't need to eat. That I am weak if I can't resist the temptation to eat. That I'm pathetic.

And yes, gaining weight. Back when I was skinny, I felt that it was the one good thing about me, that without it, I am nothing. And now that I am not skinny anymore, I feel like I am nothing. That nobody will like me. Even, that I now have to change my whole personality to fit this 'fatter' person that I am now.

I hope this helps. I tried to answer every question.

- Nik

Relapse to disordered eating

romantic_thi3f — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 23:45:41 GMT

Hey Nik,

It's good to hear back from you and thank you for opening up. Do you have much support around you - you mentioned your friend cornflakes, but how about family - or a therapist?

I can guarantee you that your worth is not based on how many kilograms you are and your worth does not change if the number changes too. But I'm guessing that you probably don't believe me which is why therapists are important!

When we are hungry, we go into survival mode. Because we haven't eaten enough, all we can think about is food. I know if I'm telling myself 'I've eaten enough' but I'm still hungry I'll probably end up looking at cookbooks! - it's our own bodies way of keeping us alive.

If I can suggest something, it's to eat, but even if that's just a little bit when it's time - something that doesn't feel too overwhelming if possible. That way you can try and stick to routine and avoid a relapse too. I also think it might be worth thinking about how you've coped with this in the past; are there times where you have felt worthy, or when your brain wasn't totally focused on the way you were eating? Hopefully you can use those same tools to get you through now.

Relapse to disordered eating

_Nik_ — Wed, 29 Apr 2020 06:01:26 GMT

Hey,

I do have a psychologist at the moment. Just two weeks ago I opened up about my eating problems, but she says she doesn't know much about dealing with that sorta stuff, so she's trying to find me someone who does.

Ever since I can remember I have been focused on food. I love food so much. The only memories I have of holidays I went on when I was younger are the food related parts.

I just hate my body a lot right now, ever since I've been working to eat, because there's all this fat in places I don't want it to be, and it's really stressful.

I'm often scared I am eating too much, because all of the media about healthy living, and working out and stuff like that. I want a skinny body like my sister has. She used to excersize 5 times a week, and she has such a flat stomach, it makes me seem like a blob compared to her.

- Nik

Relapse to disordered eating

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 29 Apr 2020 23:37:15 GMT

Hey Nik,

Oh- well that's a bummer. I wouldn't have thought you'd have to be referred out from a psychologist. Has she been able to see you in the meantime or offer you some support?

I really love food too. It's awesome. I'm really glad that you have some positive memories there.

If there's one thing I know about eating problems is that it's never about the food. I know you wrote that you don't like your body - have you had some experiences there that made things this way? Why is it that you get the sense that you are nothing if you aren't at a certain weight anymore?

Gosh the media is so terrible for its messaging and 'ideals' of who we should be and what we should look like. I'm female so I know there's differences but there's still a push that we aren't enough. While I know that it's getting to you, do try and remember that they literally profit of making us feel crap in our body.

Relapse to disordered eating

_Nik_ — Thu, 30 Apr 2020 07:03:06 GMT

Hey,

She saw me today actually. She is working on finding a specialist for me to see as well as her.

I guess after my dad kinda called me fat (it was a joke), I felt really self consious. Before then, i never really noticed about it.

It gets really hard . I ate a lot of walnuts today (but I heard there were benefits for eating walnuts). I'm just holding onto the fact that walnuts are a lot healthier than a lot of other things.

- Nik

Relapse to disordered eating

romantic_thi3f — Thu, 30 Apr 2020 23:58:33 GMT

Hi ~Nik~,

Ah that's great to hear.

Oh I'm sorry; it's good that you recognised that and I hope that it can help - because it says to me before that time you was kind of okay with your body so you can get back to that stage again.

Walnuts are great. I'm glad that you're eating today.

I don't know if you've seen this one before but it's from the Australian Guide to Healthy Eating. I just wanted to show you this one since it shows stuff from all food groups is healthy too - https://www.eatforhealth.gov.au/guidelines/australian-guide-healthy-eating Maybe your psychologist can hook you up with a dietician to get some extra support and reassurance

Relapse to disordered eating

_Nik_ — Fri, 01 May 2020 00:27:54 GMT

Hey,

Thank you so much for the website. I had a look at it.

But... I've relapsed again. Haven't eaten breakfast in two days, and I'm trying not to. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel really self conscious. I want to make a change, a really do, but I'm scared.

I was ok with my body beforehand, because I was extremely skinny beforehand. I'm not anymore, and that scares me.

- Nik

Relapse to disordered eating

romantic_thi3f — Fri, 01 May 2020 00:43:06 GMT

Hey ~Nik~,

That's no worries at all and thank you for sharing that.

I am a little worried too - food is kind of important!

I know that you have a big fear of gaining weight which is probably hard to shake right now - but I think it's important to know that even if there was someone who was generally overweight or obese and did need to lose weight, they would still need to eat. Healthy weight loss, or even preventing weight gain - there still needs to be a balance of different food groups. Without it, our body goes into starvation mode.

I'm hesitant to share all this because I don't want to scare you or be all confronting, but more so let you know that not eating won't actually help you achieve those goals.

Would you be open to talking with The Butterfly Foundation? I mentioned them before but this way they also have a live chat and probably be nicer and more helpful than me haha

Relapse to disordered eating

_Nik_ — Fri, 01 May 2020 01:27:06 GMT

Hey,

Don't worry it isn't scaring me.

If I talked to the butterfly foundation, would it be anonymous?

- Nik

Relapse to disordered eating

romantic_thi3f — Fri, 01 May 2020 03:33:23 GMT

Hi ~Nik~,

Yes- I'm guessing you're thinking about the live chat?

https://www.thebutterflyfoundation.org.au/our-services/helpline/chat-online/

On the page it has lots of details like name, email, phone but if you look just above that it says 'Would you like to remain anonymous?' and you can tick that button.

Hope this helps; feel free to come back anytime and hopefully it's helpful

Relapse to disordered eating

_Nik_ — Mon, 04 May 2020 11:10:26 GMT

Hey,

I've been talking to my friend cornflakes and it we came across the discussion of me seeing a doctor.

He has mentioned this many times before and I've always denied the need. But this time I decided that he was probably right.

Even though we have talked, I've come across the problem of how to see a doctor.

I have anxiety. I struggle to talk to my parents. I can't talk to them to get them to take me to a doctor. If I get cornflakes to call my mum, I will most likely get the repercussions of that and my parents will likely get mad at me.

I don't know what to do. How do I get the help I need?

- Nik

Relapse to disordered eating

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 05 May 2020 00:55:29 GMT

Hi ~Nik~,

It's good to hear from you again; can I ask how you went on with The Butterfly Foundation? Were they helpful?

It's a great idea that you're seeing a doctor - honestly when I read it I was kind of surprised your psychologist didn't suggest it.

What is it about your parents that makes them not want to book you in?

Given that you are seeing a psychologist, how did you get your parents to book you in or get you some support there?

Relapse to disordered eating

_Nik_ — Tue, 05 May 2020 01:14:09 GMT

Hey,

Umm about the butterfly foundation... I kinda chickened out, cause they asked for my postcode. I didn't want to give it, because I didn't know what they were going to do with it. And besides, I was already too scared to chat online. Guess it's not really for me.

I honestly don't know why my psychologist didn't suggest it. I guess, at the moment she's really focused on my recent diagnosis of autism, and been trying to enroll me in a peers group. She's only one person, and we only have an hour to talk every two weeks, so she has to make something the priority, otherwise the sessions would go nowhere. I don't blame her.

The thing about my parents is, well... they don't know about my eating problems. They knew about it when it first happened, but they tried to force me to eat, and it only made me hide things from them even more. I became sneaky and they didn't know how bad things got, and they still don't know how much I struggle. I say things nowadays like "I don't know whether to eat anything more, I've already eaten a lot" and they just laugh at me and say I shouldn't worry. Its like they push off what I'm trying to say as being 'ridiculous'. I'm just scared of their response, which is why I refuse to speak to them.

I started seeing a psychologist last year when things started going downhill and cornflakes called my mum to tell her about it. Things were really bad back then, so my mum decided to find my a psychologist.

It's not that they don't want me to see a doctor, it's just that they don't know that I need to see one, and I am to scared to bring it up.

- Nik

Relapse to disordered eating

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 05 May 2020 01:34:04 GMT

Hi Nik,

Hmm, couple of thoughts here so I'll go by them one by one.

With The Butterfly Foundation - the postcode is purely stats - that way at the end of the year they can tally things up like 'x amount of people in nsw, x amount of people in tas' and 'x amount of people in rural areas, x amount of people in the city'. I can explain that more if you want me to but that's really all they ask about your personal details if you've clicked anonymous. I've had a chat with them before so that's why I recommended them. and as for chatting online, well - you are kind of doing that already with me anyway 🙂

I really feel like from your posts that all the eating stuff really should be the priority. I don't know what it's like for you with your autism, but big picture stuff - eating is more important!

I'm sorry that your parents have been giving you those comments, it doesn't really sound like they understand what it's been like and so I get that you haven't really opened up to them. It makes sense to me, even though I bet it would be helpful to get some support from them.

You said cornflakes rang your mum and that's how you got to see a psychologist - was your mum mad then? If that's the worst case scenario, well you did manage to get through and cope with that, so I think you can cope with this one too.