topic Handbrake on life in Anxiety

Handbrake on life

bluehorseshoes — Sun, 25 Nov 2018 03:27:40 GMT

So I'm new here, I'm in my 30s and finally accept what's been the handbrake on my life - anxiety and depression. I recently spoke to BB (thank you counsellors), saw GP, started medication, researching, and saw a psychologist.

The psych did 75% of the talking, spent a portion of time trying to get her iPad working, then trying to get desktop working, telling me that women are prone to stress, what with all the hormones/childbearing/menopause etc. and have I tried tracking feelings with my menstrual cycle (if she stopped following her script and started to talking TO me - not AT me she would see we're NOT dealing with a bit if PMS here), and did the receptionist tell me how very busy her diary is? 3 months for the next appointment - mine was a fluke (why oh WHY then are they taking new patients if their cup runneth over?!)

I prepared for the session, making notes in case I was too emotional to remember things but when I tried to bring up anything before this week she said 'The past is in the past, there is nothing to change. You can either drag it around with you or let it go'.
Understandably with anx/dep I may be preoccupied with the past, but she said she wanted to get to know me. Doesn't our past inform our present - and how I got here?

"Highlights" of my history - a father who verbally/emotionally/financially and occasionally physically abused my family, being completely cut off from extended family, the threat of putting me up for adoption when I was 7 to get me to do my chores, never being allowed to go on holidays/birthdays/sleepovers/extracurricular activities, no visiting/calling friends/neighbours allowed, being disowned, an attempt to run away but being caught and told he would end us all if we did it again, family finally escaping later in highschool and homeless in a women's shelter, not knowing what direction to take with my life, using alcohol to feel confident in social/most situations, having times where I couldn't leave the house without checking every powerpoint/lock/tap, having a car accident due to being late because of the 'checking', dread of making mistakes/failure, catastrophizing, low self esteem, never having a 'serious' relationship with a man and not letting anyone get too close to me.

These events were dismissed by the psych who believed it's all just part of being a woman.

It's NOT.

She was a speedhump, this condition is the handbrake, and I'm praying the medication and this community will help me release it.

Thank you

Handbrake on life

Croix — Sun, 25 Nov 2018 09:23:12 GMT

Dear Bluehorseshoes~

I don't think from the sound of it that psychologist was a speed hump, more of a train wreck. Frankly I've found it is my confidence in the therapist as much as the type of therapy that has the most influence.

There are many techniques that help one deal with past events, not blithely ignore them, and I don't have enough knowledge to know what might be appropriate for you, though by the sound of it you past life has been traumatic and left a great effect on you.

Having said all that I think it is great you have come to realize that you have depression and anxiety, and that it needs doing something about. It took me an awful long time to realize it was illness and not just me.

Do you think it is worth going back to your GP and asking for a referral elsewhere? There are competent therapists out there, I've been lucky I guess and found some of them. Meds can be very good (again when you find the right one) but therapy can have its part too.

Croix

Handbrake on life

White_Rose — Sun, 25 Nov 2018 10:05:54 GMT

Dear Bluehorseshoes

Hello and welcome. Despite your poor experience with the psychologist not all are incompetent and sexist. It was of course the fashion to label women as hysterics and put all their ailments down to hormonal problem. I thought we had got rid of that nonsense but it periodically surfaces. Don't even think of returning.

I take it you are on a mental health plan and your psychologist visits are subsidised by Medicare. May I suggest if you don't find a psychologist you feel comfortable with that you consider seeing a psychiatrist. The gap fees are about the same as the psychologist but you will always have a Medicare benefit and as many visits as you both deem fit.

I am surprised at a professional woman denigrating other women but I suppose it gives her an excuse to not practice her profession appropriately.

I pleased you found the BB counsellors helpful. I hope we can also be helpful and supportive. Here we are speaking from our own experiences and share ideas and tips which have been useful to us. Sometimes they work for others and sometimes not. The benefit is knowing there are many people struggling to manage their mental illness, that you are not alone.

I was sad to read how you were abused in your childhood, and it is abuse. Talking to a good GP is a bonus. I have had the same GP for many years and trust her implicitly. As Croix said, it's the relationship that does the work.

I like your analogy of the handbrake. No matter how diligently we try to move forward the handbrake will hold us back until we learn how to release it. Those are amazing light bulb moments. Remember with meds that each of us has a tolerance for some and not for others and there is no way to predict which will help. So keep a record of what happens when you take medication, how your body and mind reacts and how long before you start to feel an effect. Mostly it's about six weeks to feel the full effect though of course the meds are working in your body for the whole time. Not all pills are created equal.

If you find it helpful to chat please continue.

Mary

Handbrake on life

bluehorseshoes — Mon, 26 Nov 2018 01:45:49 GMT

Thanks Croix,

I laughed/cried when you rightly referred to the visit as a train wreck. As you would know before first visit to therapy you're feeling quite vulnerable and like maybe you don't really need this/should just cancel etc.

Looking back, apart from the 'women's problems' discussion, and the tech problems, she seemed to be throwing a whole bunch of solutions at me. Like we were fitting 5 sessions into 1. I was sitting there listening to her talk about tea (which I already love) and distracting ourselves and all these other fixes, so many, it wasn't tailored' advice because she didn't really want to know the whole story - because of course she already knew that her diary was full and she probably wouldn't see me again for another 3 months so better throw the kitchen sink at me to keep me going....?!

Thank you for your suggestions. I'm thinking of going back to GP. I'm glad it took you a while to realise and accept too. I've been stubborn for so long and now just tired.

I'm going through a 'transitional' work phase and at the moment I'm worried about starting that new phase while I'm so fresh to dealing with this realization of mental health issues. I'd like to put the work situation on hold while I see how meds/therapy effects and helps me. But if I put off the work stuff I feel like I'm wasting valuable time. Ahh the joys of anxiety.

Handbrake on life

bluehorseshoes — Mon, 26 Nov 2018 02:12:59 GMT

Thank you Mary,

Thanks for telling me not to even think of returning. That makes me smile. Although the psych said they may call me if perchance they get a cancellation over the next 3 months, I will say "No flipping way". I didn't realise we were still in the time of throwing women in a lake to see if they sink or float...

It's funny you suggested a psychiatrist, I was already considering that possibility. As I said to Croix, it felt like I was getting solution, hormones, quick fixes, hormones, solutions, more fixes. She knew there was no point going deeper to establish a relationship because she likely wouldn't see me again for another 3 months. Oh well.

Your advice on medications is so good. I'm hoping this will be 'the one' (together with therapy perhaps) so I can continue with work and the transition I'm going through as I mentioned to Croix. I'm not even at 2 weeks on the meds yet so I'll try to be patient.

That's why it's so good to have this community to lean on. That post was the most vulnerable I've ever been and it was scary/good to let it out because when I initiated the topic with the psychologist she saw where I was going and cut me off. It also feels good to share and offer to others here who are hurting. Makes me feel useful.

But you already know that.

Thanks again.

Handbrake on life

Croix — Mon, 26 Nov 2018 08:36:21 GMT

Dear Bluehorseshoes~

I'd like to say I agree wiht Mary, I've basically relied upon psychiatrists and found the times I've used psychologists not to be as effective overall. They are popular as the qualify for a Mental Health Plan, but that too has it's drawbacks.

The allover medical safety net does make psychiatrists by and large more affordable.

As for changes at work, there are limits to ones capabilities, do you think handling both that plus sorting out your treatment at the same time is going to be possible?

Croix

Handbrake on life

bluehorseshoes — Mon, 03 Dec 2018 02:38:19 GMT

You're right Croix,

There are limits and I do need to remember that. I think the most practical thing is to give myself some time to let the treatment happen and be open to it - this month perhaps.

Thanks to your support, since our last I have been to see another psychologist. I tried to get in touch with a psychiatrist but they were for 'emergencies' apparently.

I was exhausted and relieved afterwards, and since then have been anxious about how much I revealed and what will happen in future sessions. Of course my catastrophizing acts up and I'm thinking what if this makes me dwell more and more on my problems and makes my condition worse... I need to take this one step at a time and be open to the possibilities I guess. I can't control it so that's what gets me. I start predicting/catastrophizing when nothing's really happened yet.

Can you relate to this experience early on in your therapy?

Handbrake on life

Croix — Mon, 03 Dec 2018 12:10:12 GMT

Dear Bluehorseshoes~

Of course! That initial visit, or even a visit later on is a very fraught experience. Talking about the intimate and very private areas of you life and thoughts to another - how could it not be?

As you would know anxiety has the delightful knack of making one review all the horrible outcomes that might be possible (even if they are highly unlikely). I find my partner is invaluable here, giving me a sensible perspective when I'm unable to provide one.

Any therapist will have heard everything umpteen times before, and tons worse too. It is simply data to set out the correct course of treatment.

A first visit -and more - are exhausting, and if the therapist is a proactive one many sessions will be, not a bad thing. You don't go there just for a quiet chat, or not often anyway.

As for being in control of the process, of course you are. If you have doubts about an activity ask and discuss, don't just go along and hope. Your ability to change therapists was an excellent example.

Not sure I agree about psychiatrists being only for emergencies (if that were true I must've been living an emergency for many years:), but then again they may be in short supply in your area.

As for nothing happening yet, you have started, that is a big happening!

Please let us now how you go

Croix

Handbrake on life

bluehorseshoes — Tue, 04 Dec 2018 02:49:04 GMT

Dear Croix,

"Fraught" is the perfect word. My problems with uncertainty and trust (including trust in myself) are making the lead up to sessions quite a ride. Thanks for reminding me that I do have control though. I will exert that if I feel it's going somewhere I'm not comfortable with.

Like you my family has been able to give some perspective, pointing out that I'm already thinking 2/3/5 sessions ahead. Out-thinking and anticipating the next move was necessary for survival growing up, and has been useful since at work and with little resources/support around me. But when thinking of therapy/managing conditions - not so much.

Will update on the happenings 🙂

Handbrake on life

Croix — Tue, 04 Dec 2018 11:18:12 GMT

Dear Bluehorseshoes~

I think there is a difference between anticipation and contingency planning -a fancy way of seeing what has a chance of going wrong and taking steps, and applying that frame of mind to therapy.

Being threatened wiht adoption and the other forms of abuse you were subject to were real and present, and to be avoided if possible. Real consequences to you, real pain.

Therapy is basically beneficial. True as you have already found out some are better than others, but by and large you expect good to come out of it, not harm. So you are right, the survival habits do not apply and will even hold things back.

I guess this time you have control. You can say -"No more, I'm out of here" - I sincerely hope you don't, but you could. This was not the case growing up.

Croix

Handbrake on life

White_Rose — Wed, 05 Dec 2018 07:13:46 GMT

Hello Bluehorseshoes

That's a fascinating name. Any particular reason for choosing it? Do you know a horse with blue shoes?

As I read your posts I get the impression you are keen to help yourself back to wellness. That's one of the hardest things to do, allow yourself to become well. Sometimes it seems so hard and we start catastrophising (a favourite past-time of mine)and find we are part of the fight/flight/freeze syndrome, usually the freeze aspect. I do admire anyone who approaches this with determination. Good for you.

You comments about thinking ahead are generally useful but I'm not sure it's a good thing in therapy. Too much thinking ahead which will inevitably include predicting your therapists next step, can confuse and muddy the water. Sometimes it's good to let go of control in therapy and trust the therapist to steer you through the water. However, first things first. You need to feel you can trust the therapist to guide you and provide support.

If you feel you would do well with a psychiatrist, ask your GP for a referral to someone she/he has confidence in. You will need a referral in any event. I know my GP has been fussy about where to send me for any specialist treatment and I do trust her.

I see you have a terrific sense of humour. I loved your ladies being thrown into the lake. Sometimes I feel this still happens. Having a sense of humour is so useful. If I let myself smile and enjoy something that has tickled me I can get on much better. When you think of a joke share it on the Worst Joke Wednesday forum. Some hilarious moments there.

Letting go and spilling the beans about your life takes courage. Once said you cannot take it back. It is in the end good for us. Keeping our various life experiences hidden can serve to be a handbrake. Deeply held pain can fester unfortunately and we do not realise how much until it becomes so bad we 'explode'. When I have revealed myself I have been so scared. What if the other person thinks I am bad. What if they tell someone else. What ifs are hard to combat. In the end, having said something to your therapist, which will be kept confidential, you get a sense of proportion about it. Keep going.

Mary

Handbrake on life

bluehorseshoes — Fri, 07 Dec 2018 04:21:32 GMT

Hi Croix,

I'm such a beginner to this therapy business it's ridiculous - I should have an L plate.

So I guess I didn't realize that I had control in the sense that I can set the 'agenda' for each session. Part of my stress over impending sessions was that it was like I was heading to a police interrogation where I had to be prepared and wouldn't know where the therapist would want to look. But I see now that I can come with what I want to discuss in particular that week and it goes from there. So that helps.

Of course that didn't happen this week because I just realized it. The 'lesson' that I took away from the free flowing discussion this week was that it's ok to love someone and also feel annoyed with them (true). However this topic also threw doubt on a relationship. The therapist implied that this person is not as supportive as they could be and there should be more distance/boundaries between us.

I came away angry. But yes there is some truth. True this person is not always perfectly supportive, but then neither am I. The more distance etc. will happen naturally when I get 'back on track' and into a more structured situation and improve more, but it's not possible at the moment. In the future, sure.

I feel the session focused on an area I don't consider to be problematic right now, rather than areas that really are. A relationship I was confident about, was questioned and now I feel less confident in someone who's very important and is not abusive in anyway. But like any family we have communication issues. Feeling less confident about anything right now is not helpful.

Heading into next week remembering -

1. Just because the therapist said it doesn't mean I have to accept it completely

2. Just because I'm angry doesn't mean they hit the nail on the head and really made me 'face the truth' OR that I should quit immediately.

3. If I'm more proactive rather than letting them pick the topic, I'll feel more satisfied overall and heard.

I found myself thinking "why are we talking about X, when I really want to examine Y?"

I'm not in denial over the health of the relationship we discussed. But I need to be more assertive with my part in therapy.

Bluehorseshoes

Handbrake on life

bluehorseshoes — Fri, 07 Dec 2018 06:09:08 GMT

Afterthought -

This person has been the main support in my life. Being forced to look critically at them and say that their support has not been perfect only makes me feel more isolated and worried.

That's not what I want from therapy.

Handbrake on life

bluehorseshoes — Fri, 07 Dec 2018 06:44:07 GMT

Hi Mary,

Blue Horse Shoe is the code name Michael Douglas uses in the original Wall Street to do insider trading. It's just stuck with me I guess... but I can see such a horse giving Winx a run for her money! Glad you caught the witchcraft reference - I thought "I'm sure she won't take this seriously.."

As you can see I'm wrestling with therapy. My therapist asked me to start things off last time and when I started to flounder, they took over and I slowly started to realise that this topic is not really in my top 5 issues right now and was not how I needed to spend the session. Frustrating. So in that sense with this therapist, I can now see that I need to be in control at the beginning, and be prepared to set the topic before letting them steer.

Feeling about 60% trust in them after the 2nd session and as you suggest trying to just take it one at a time. They wanted to cram in more sessions before the end of year to use up care plan before end of calendar, but at the moment it's hard enough for me to face once a week let alone more...

Proportion is the right word - thanks. Although we discussed something which wasn't that relevant to me now - my connection to someone supportive who makes mistakes in their support - I suppose it did put my issues into perspective and clarify them.

Thanks for letting me know about Wednesdays. Sounds like my herbal cup of tea.

Bluehorseshoes

Handbrake on life

Croix — Sat, 08 Dec 2018 14:00:14 GMT

Dear Bluehorseshoes~

I guess you are right, no relationship is perfect in every way, mainly becuse everyone is human. You decide what is good and works, nobody else. True there may be things the psych feels could be different, may even be correct, but I'd suspect it is your reaction, rather than their behavior that is the target.

Going in wiht a written list of points you want covered is a good idea. (Apart from not floundering) it does not always mean those points will be covered, but should allow your psych to explain why not, and also how the things you do cover are connected to them. Sometimes influences can be subtle.

In a way I can sympathize wiht the psych's urge to slip as many sessions as possible in this calendar year. 6 (or sometimes 10) sessions per year is never enough and the idea of boosting the total number can seem attractive. I'd doubt it is for the money. There are so many people here who would agree that a MH plan is woefully inadequate.

If you are having difficulties with the frequency of the sessions say so, maybe there are techniques for handling things better, or maybe the number has to drop - not long to go now anyway.

I'll look out for you on "Worst Joke Wednesday". Your funnies can't be any worse than mine. While I'm at it I'll mention

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

This can be a good place to take one's mind off hassles, and at the same time an opportunity for any of those that feel like it to share some of their own happy moments.

Croix