topic ``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety.. in Anxiety

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

bindi-QLD — Wed, 13 Jun 2018 23:37:00 GMT

Hey everyone, hope your day is off to a good start. Thanks to anyone to can spare a moment to read my post. I've been dealing with a pretty life-long problem these past 6 months, and I'm wondering of anyone else out there relates?

I think my personality type, in a nutshell, is a `fixer'; the kind of person who deals with feelings of anxiety by `fixing' situations, things, people..... I've been heavily rewarded for it in my career and at times in my family life, so I've gone along all these decades oblivious to the down side, and not very cautious about it. And I'm good at fixing...had a career in IT tech support, been heavily involved in rescuing wildlife and pets for many years. I don't walk away from people or partners with problems, I make them my personal love and projects.

But I've (finally?) come recognize there is pretty major down side to it; it impacts personal relationships in a negative way- it kind of changes a relationship that should be based on mutuality, into a `carer/care-taker' type dynamic, if that makes sense? And jeez that's hurt me over the years, I've picked partners ranging from drug addicts to alcoholics, and worse. In the work place, it can lead to exploitation and overwork where I just burn out. And in my animal rescue work, as proud as I am of all the lives I've saved, it can lead to taking too much on and taking things to too much to heart....there's a lot of grief in that.

I'm uncomfortable with letting go of fixing completely, because I like the results of what I do in life....I see the good in it, a happy smile, a relief from pain. I don't think I can fully let go of who I am....but I am interested in how others find their boundaries with `fixing'? Like is it a matter of being mindful of when you're doing it, and do it within reason? (like picking your abttles...?) Is it about not blaming yourself when it doesn't work out? Or is it just better to deal with anxious feelings by writing them down, talking about them, and letting go of fixing altogether?

Any thoughts or feedback from anyone? I've been struggling with this. My mental health professional says he's proud of how far I've come in 6 months, but I'd really like to connect with other people going through this, if possible? Letting go is in no way easy, I still feel confused...

Any thanks to anyone who can relate, and can offer any thoughts?

Bindi

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

Peppermintbach — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 00:12:10 GMT

Hi Bindi,

Just a quick one from me. I wanted to respond because, interestingly enough, I’m not a fixer. Never have been...

Maybe it sounds odd because I’m definitely not the person you’re wanting to respond to your post. But maybe...just maybe because I have such a different mentality when it comes to “fixing” that I might be able to offer another perspective?

I wonder if part of your desire to “fix” is because it partly stems from wanting to feel “needed”, being afraid of feeling helpless, being a little overly “solution oriented” or being uncomfortable “sitting with” someone else’s pain (i.e. maybe it’s hard for you to simply listen without jumping in with advice and “solutions”).

Maybe things to think about...You sound like a deeply caring person with good intentions who likes to help. But all this fixing is clearly taking its toll on you...

I don’t know if I will be much help but as I’m a non-fixer, maybe I can offer my thoughts...

Personlly, i try to empower people to fix their own problems rather than doing the fixing myself. Maybe that’s something you might like to contemplate. With this mentality, you would still be helping people but you wouldn’t be doing the “saving.” I’m happy to elaborate if this resonates...

Also, I operate under the mentality that people are responsible for their own lives. I tell myself to trust people to have the ability to make decisions about their own lives regardless of whether the outcome is good or bad; it’s their right. I feel this helps me to let go of the need to “fix”...let people make their own decisions.

I also don’t take it personally if people reject my suggestions. I try to acknowledge and accept we are all different and my approach may not work for everyone. This helps enormously especially if people don’t like my ideas...

Hope this gives you some ideas.

kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

bindi-QLD — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 00:29:09 GMT

Oh Hey pepper,

Oh yes, that's exactly the kind of feedback I value, and even moreso since you have a different approach, and come from a totally different perspective. You're the kind of person I'd like to learn from, maybe I'll read some of your posts from time to time, see where i'm going wrong?

And yeah, you're right, fixing started early on in life with me. I'm pretty sure because of anxiety. I like what you suggested, about thinking about whether what i have to say is empowering, or whether I'm just being impatient, and trying to make my anxious feelings go away. That really helps!

A friend of mine told me have to learn the phrase `` that really sucks''. LOL! But I think as crude as it sounds, that it helps to think of other people's problems as something they can sort out on their own, not something I need to take onboard..

Thank you heaps pepper. I really appreciate your thoughts.

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

james1 — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 04:47:24 GMT

Hello Bindi,

I have a very similar issue. I consider myself a helper and I always have been, even to my own detriment. Like you, I kind of also don't want to stop as I consider it a part of me.

For me, it's a slow transition. I used to think of myself as a fixer, and now I think of myself as a helper. It's semantics, but if i am helping and not fixing, the responsibility is not on me.

In my case, it is probably a lot due to my anxieties that got built in from confrontation. My environment was basically mum vs dad, mum vs grandma, mum vs me, dad vs me, all day and every day. To me, it was all linked and if only I could fix mum and dad, maybe they would stop yelling at me too.

I think I've carried that through process through to today, even if the person I am trying to fix/help is not angry at me at all. It's just an automatic anxiety that arises as soon as someone else is on edge for whatever reason.

Anyway, the cause might be very different to you (or similar), but it's very hard. I can't seem to make the anxiety go away unless I am doing something productive.

James

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

Birdy77 — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 05:46:29 GMT

Dear Bindi 🌞

I just was so happy to see your name pop up again, you have been missed!!

I don't have anything profound to say, but I most certainly used to be a fixed, and now am suddenly not! So I will think on this and get back to you with thoughts about the changes, if I can.

Lovely to see you.

🌻birdy

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

PamelaR — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 06:52:30 GMT

Hello Bindi

Welcome back! Yes, I'm so pleased to see your name pop up too.

I think we had a similar discussion some months ago. I'm a little like James above, my fixing (helping) has to do with getting my parents to stop fighting, getting my mum to stop being anxious and depressed . All this would then stop me being hurt too.

So in a way peoples anxieties and depression have been a trigger for me. A trigger to go into fixit mode. Having one of my psych's help me recognise that, I've been able to take a step back now.

First it's been to recognise i'm triggered. Then to say to myself, I don't have to 'save this person', they can do that themselves. What I do now, (I hope) is empower people - as Pepper says - to help themselves. I can't do it for them. Give people options about what has worked for me and what hasn't. It truly is up to them to decide what they do.

I had to learn that often people wanted to talk about themselves, in fact, they really weren't interested in me 'solving' their problems. They just wanted to rant. To have an ear to listen to them. Often I find now that people can work out there own answers my 'just airing' their issues.

So pleased to hear you're working through things - great stuff Bindi. Good to have you back.

Kind regards

PamelaR

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

bindi-QLD — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 07:56:36 GMT

Hi Pam, (huge hugs) So sorry you had to watch me melt down in January from trying to `fix the internet'. Thank you .so. much. for trying to warn me. I know you were trying, but I just wasn't getting it? I am a little embarrassed that it came to having a full anxiety attack and an episode of paranoia before I did. I've taken some time out and got some good therapy since then, its really helped. X

To be honest, I think you have it nailed, Pam, when it comes to the healthy balance between helping, personal boundaries ,and mutuality with regard to the connections you make. I know we all struggle though, when we've come from backgrounds where `fixing' was how we successfully survived trauma.

Thanks so much for popping in saying hi, I've missed you too.

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

bindi-QLD — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 07:58:26 GMT

Hey Birdy! I missed you too. Thanks for saying hi and giving me some support. Its really nice to be back in good company, with good people. I've missed you

Lots of love!

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

Peppermintbach — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 08:36:21 GMT

Hi Bindi (and all),

All good, no problems at all. I was happy to offer my thoughts and it’s great to hear from you again. Thanks for the lovely reply too 🙂

Um...just skimming through some of your posts, I take it that you were triggered by trying to “save the Internet” (so to speak)...that must have been really upsetting and unsettling.

I don’t know the background of all this but maybe it’s not so much about “going wrong” as you phrased it. But I wonder if perhaps it’s more about approaching posts with a different mindset to your January mindset.

To your credit, you took some time out and sought help. I think it’s wonderful you took such a proactive approach to help yourself. Good on you...

I really appreciate Pammy’s point about the power of empathy/listening. I feel people often underestimate just how powerful that can be. I completely agree with her that sometimes people just want to feel heard and aren’t necessarily looking for advice or solutions...

Like you, I also have a lot of empathy but the difference between us is I have never felt the need to “save” people. In my case at least (and I get that it’s different for everyone), my empathy means I can sometimes sense when people just want a sounding board (rather than necessarily advice, “answers” and “solutions”), in which case, possibly the best thing that I can do is listen, reassure and comfort. So that’s what I do sometimes...

If you have any questions, I’m happy to offer my thoughts? I probably don’t understand you as well as your fellow “fixers” (so to speak). But as I said before, what I can perhaps offer is an alternative perspective.

Pepper xoxo

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

Birdy77 — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 09:44:31 GMT

Dear Bindi,

Without knowing what went wrong last time you were here , re: your meltdown, I would recommend trying to let that go and move forward as if never happened! Those of us here with you now are interested in what's going on for you in the present.

I just know all of a sudden you weren't here and I missed your wise posts and insights, and wondered if you'd come back ... and you did, yay!!

Omy I your topic:

I used to be a fixer. It was exhausting.

I know we've talked in the past about codependency and I think for me those two things go hand in hand.

I dunno, but I feel like back then, I was a people-pleaser. I was someone who wanted everything to be good between everyone and I would twist myself into a pretzel in order for all others to be chillaxing on their respective chaise lounges 🙄

What changed was, I pulled myself back into my own shoes. My own skin. I started to take care of myself ...

I don't know if I empower people, as Pepper and Pam do, but I've learnt to listen ... and keep listening, and listen some more.

I admire your friend's advice, to say "that really sucks" ... and then I sometimes try to brainstorm some solutions, but I'm done trying to fix other people's issues! I have enough of my own for the rest of my lifetime!!

Missed ya xo

🌻birdy

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

Quercus — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 14:31:18 GMT

Hi Bindi, welcome back.

I used to enjoy reading your replies to others before you took time out. Seeing your name return is a lovely surprise.

You aren't the first and you won't be the last to get utterly overwhelmed and need to take time for yourself. It is really good to see you recoup and return to try again. No shame in any meltdowns... I have had some whoppers on the forums.

I'm a fixer too. I respect how you mentioned needing boundaries.

I have tried to convey to anyone who will listen the importance of people on the forums being aware that there is a system in the background we don't see. Mods and management and the crisis team.

This is important to me because prior to becoming a CC I would get distressed and panicked and overwhelmed at times. Wanting to save everyone. Then as a CC I saw there is more to it. The forums are a safe place. Not perfect but they have to have systems in place otherwise people wouldn't write here.

It has helped me to realise like Pepper said that we can care but not take on responsibility that is not ours. This can be as simple as reporting a distressing post and trusting there are people who have our backs.

There is no reason to be ashamed of being a fixer. We just have to be aware of what is within our power and what is not. For example it is in my power to report a post if I am concerned about the person's safety. If I can write a reply showing they are heard and cared for too that is a bonus. If not... That is ok. I am human. Then I have to trust in others to help too. Group effort. Not alone.

Also I'm learning to assess myself. Chris B mentioned if you log off and feel worse you need time out. This can be applied offline too... By starting to recognise when you begin to feel things like helplessness and panic and anxiety. And making changes then.

For me that means time out. I have a friend offline who is unwell. Managing suicodal thoughts is a constant personal topic offline so when I come online I can't read those posts right now. I want to help. But I know I am at my limit. So I trust others to give what I can't.

Not alone and nothing to be ashamed of. Welcome back. I'm happy you are feeling a little better.

Nat

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

bindi-QLD — Fri, 15 Jun 2018 23:58:42 GMT

Hey Birdy, Its so helpful and encouraging reading your thoughts, thank you so much for sharing them . And it really is so nice to see you again, I'm sorry for the long hiatus. I was kinda training as a community champion here, waiting for my bluecard, and I probably had some kind of anxiety/panic attack. Its first time that's driven to me towards extreme paranoid thoughts, like taking a small bit of fact , ignoring the balanced view of things, running with the paranoia....the worst part was not noticing it. Anyway.....My doctor helped a lot, and I'm starting to become super mindful of how panic effects me.

''''What changed was, I pulled myself back into my own shoes. My own skin. I started to take care of myself ...
I don't know if I empower people, as Pepper and Pam do, but I've learnt to listen ... and keep listening, and listen some more.'''

This is such excellent advice right there :). I have come to see so much truth in it...you can't care for others, and you can't help them, if you're not caring for yourself. And that goes emotionally as well as mentally, physically, financially and all the rest. Something great I've done this year is carve out a decent space in my life for physical fitness, even when other people try to impose, interrupt, change my plans. And I'm letting go doing things for the ones closest to me, who really should be stepping up. It causes conflicts here and there, but I've stuck to my guns...

Anyway thanks again Birdy for encouraging me, I look forward to spending more time here again.

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

bindi-QLD — Sat, 16 Jun 2018 00:04:12 GMT

Hi Nat,

I just wanted to thank you for writing, and for sharing your perspective and a CC. So much of what you said is really helpful, and I can relate to what you mentioned about striving to recognize panic/anxiety before it gets worse, and taking the time away to regroup...

You know its great that you feel a sense of acceptance for being a fixer. That's the kind of thing I needed to hear, i think. That its not `wrong' as such, its part of who some people are. But you've got to find boundaries? Its encouraging to hear how you've found your way, I hope to find my too, Nat.

Lots of love to everyone who helped me this so far. I feel a lot better for it.

Thank you X

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

Ggrand — Sat, 16 Jun 2018 00:25:54 GMT

Hello Bindi,

I just saw this thread and wanted to say welcome back...I really hope your doing ok,..

I don't have nothing to add atm, I just saw your name and wanted to say hello. I will read through your thread later on today ifvtgats ok..I think I would definitely be a fixer, if it's what I'm thinking of..

I will bbl...Love and care xx

Grandy..

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

StewartC — Thu, 21 Jun 2018 05:00:05 GMT

Hi Bindi,

I relate to your post, I would describe myself more as a 'rescuer' than a 'fixer' though. Having recently worked through yet another bout of Anxiety, upon refelction I can now see how my 'rescuer' tendancy has pervaeded so many relationships and occupations that I have gravitated towards. The trick for me is to be aware of my tendency so I can check any decisions I make beforehand. I like being a helper but realise now that when I slip into the Rescuer role I can actually be affecting another person's growth and neglecting my own. just my thoughts, take care. Stew 🙂

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

Cordy — Thu, 21 Jun 2018 10:39:29 GMT

Hi Bindi

I think the world is a better place when people help others. The trick is however not to be too consumed in being a fixer and taking on other people's problems and anxieties. Easier said than done. I am still learning. I try to recognise when this is happening as my first step. Then I try to sit back and touch base with the person and not take on ownership of their needs. Again, I am learning to do this. I need to self talk myself or to a friend that I cannot take on other peoples problems but I can be there for them and not at my own cost. What I am focusing on is fixing myself and trying to help others but at a distance or through a charity. Hope this makes sense 🙂

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

Ggrand — Fri, 22 Jun 2018 00:28:48 GMT

Hello Bindi and everyone,

I thought about this before I came back..

I agree with Cordey , this world needs more people who are not afraid to get out and help someone they know is in need, be it just a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, kind words for their ears, a beautiful smile, These are all free and to the person on the receiving end these gestures are worth a lot more then I think the giver will ever be aware of,

I said in my earlier post I think I'm a fixer, I would like to correct that if I can, I am definitely a helper and it really makes me feel good when I'm able to help someone, and just guide them onto the right path that they should take, However, if I'm asked to help try to fix their problem, then I will try but only to a certain degree, I feel it's up to that person to fix their own problem if they can, because if they can fix it they get a confident brick to add to or start building their confidence back up...

Grandy..

``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

JessF — Mon, 25 Jun 2018 23:05:56 GMT

Being a fixer can be a good distraction I think. I have never used these forums to talk about my own problems, but I do come here to try and help others as a type of coping mechanism. Through helping others I do believe you can sometimes help yourself by getting new perspectives on things you might be going through. It is only when you start to take on board other people's problems as your own that it can become too much, and feeling responsible for fixing their lives. I don't find that happens to me here but it has been a problem in my real life.