topic Social anxiety in Anxiety

Social anxiety

Izfish — Tue, 01 May 2018 08:09:45 GMT

I have always felt nervous and anxious in social situations but I always just thought it was shyness. Ever since I moved to high school (now in grade 12) my anxiety started getting a lot more serious and intense.

A lot of my friends have started going to parties and drinking and just being teenagers. But I am unable to do this.

The first and last party I went to was one that my friend was holding, all my friends knew i was feeling extremely anxious about going and so I thought that once I got there they would help me get through the night. As soon as I arrived the one friend who i thought would definitely stay with me and make sure i was ok, was the first one i saw and she started critising what i was wearing, I just let this wash over me because I didn’t think it was anything to be caught up on. As we started walking to the tennis court (where the party was being held) i was talking to her trying to take my mind off the situation and she started telling me to shut up and that she didn’t want to hear what I was saying. Anyway at this point I was freaking out because

Social anxiety

CJames — Tue, 01 May 2018 09:03:55 GMT

Hi Izfish,

I feel for you ay; anxiety can be so hard to manage. I want you to know you're welcome to be open on these forums; you're not judged.

I see that your response was cut off, so I'll go off what you've said so far.

I like you are also in year twelve, jeez it's a stressful time, isn't it? Anxiety can change your life, as you have seen, it restricts the way you live your life, in all honesty. You can feel alone and insecure; I want you to know you're not alone. There're places such as Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636 or Headspace where you can speak your mind and be yourself.

You know that song, "In My Blood" by Shawn Mendes, I feel that describes anxiety so well.

I feel for you, not being able to live the full potential of a teenager, I do. But hey you've reached out on the forums, that's an excellent first step and takes a lot of courage, we'll try and guide you so that you can become the life of the party (if you want that of course).

What strategies do you currently have in place to manage your anxiety? Have you spoken to a GP or psychiatrist about your anxiety before?

I commend you for getting up and going to that party, that takes heroism, as daunting as it probably looked.

I'm sorry about how your friend insulted what you were wearing, often people don't know what to say, not an excuse for what was said, but keep that in mind. If you don't mind me asking, how did you feel about what you were wearing?

Duude, RE: "she started criticising what I was wearing, I just let this wash over me because I didn’t think it was anything to be caught up on." Good move, keep this up, don't get caught up on the small things. I'm sure you looked as good as everyone, even better.

That was really rude of her to tell you to shut up, How's your relationship with her? Does she usually say things such as this?

Hopefully, this has helped so far.

Keep us updated.

Best of luck,

Social anxiety

Croix — Sat, 05 May 2018 11:45:53 GMT

Dear Lzfish~

I read your other thread at

Forums / Depression / Lonely and confused

which together with this one gives a pretty good idea of the difficulties you are facing, which is pretty unfair. It doesn't help that the person you thought was you friend turned out not to be, in face a rather cruel and insensitive person.You would have felt dreadful.

You did say you were worried about having depression, and also here that you worry a lot in social situations. Well depression is just a label. It is how you feel that is important. Like CJames and others have suggested getting some help might be pretty good idea.

How do you get on with your parents and family? Is htere someone oyu might like y to talk with? If it is your parents they might like you to see a doctor. If not then seeing a GP by yourself or a help line like Kids Help Line or eHeadspace would be pretty good.

Trying to go it alone simply makes life more difficult when help is available. Talking to a professional is not that hard once you get started. If you think face to face or voice is too hard, then you could use web-chat.

Going to parties is OK for some, however not everyone, in fact many would find it uncomfortable and awkward, you are not alone in that, I too did not like them and never go. There are ways to enjoy yourself that do not involve parties or drinking. Would you like to say what you do enjoy doing?

The real down of what you have said is that you are finding that not everyone can be relied upon to be a friend. There is no magic answer that tells you who is who, often one finds out the hard way - as you have this time. That does not mean there are to others who are good to be with and considerate. If you look at it the other way around I suspect you are one of the ones that makes a good friend.You have sensitivity and know what is important.Would you agree?

I hope you come back and feel comfortable enough to talk here some more

Croix

Social anxiety

Izfish — Wed, 22 Aug 2018 12:49:28 GMT

Thankyou so much for your reply and your kind words!! I don’t really have any strategies in place at the moment. I finally reached out to my running coach (I really struggle talking to people, I havent talked to someone in a deep way since I was 14) so this was a big step, he helped me a lot and made me feelcomfortable when I was talking to him, but he hasn’t brought it up for over 2 weeks and I’m worried that he doesn’t want to be involved and that it’s too complicated for him. He was literally the only person I had in mind that I could trust if I ever needed to seriously talk to someone. Now I just feel super alone again and so isolated because I always said to myself if things get really bad at least I can talk to my running coach. But now I’m not so sure, I want to bring it up again but it was hard enough the first time

re what I was wearing, I felt comfortable in it, if I wore anything else i think that would have just added to my anxiety, but by my friend commenting on it she made me feel more insecure than I already was feeling

Re how was my relationship with her - we used to be best friends but a lot happened (I think she was a major factor in the development of my social anxiety) but at the party we weren’t best friends but we were still pretty close

I have never spoken to a GP or anyone like that, as I said above I haven’t ever really spoken to anyone about it, the only way my friends know that I have social anxiety is that I joke about it because that’s the only way i feel comfortable/know how to talk about it. But they don’t seem to catch or care.

Thanks again for your help

Social anxiety

Izfish — Wed, 22 Aug 2018 12:58:42 GMT

Thankyou for your response it really means a lot that you are taking time to help me!! I get along really well with my family but I honestly can’t talk to them about this because 1. I don’t want to worry them and 2. When I am at home it is the one place where I can forget all my problems and just relax. As I said in my response to CJames, I have recently reached out to my running coach who was supportive and helpful but he hasn’t brought it up again in over 2 weeks and I am worried why. I don’t know why I find it so hard to talk to people and open up to them. I really wish I found it easy like most other people!

Re what I like doing - I love to go outdoors and go on adventures, whether it’s mountain biking, swimming in a creek or playing sport. The only problem is that all my friends are so absorbed in parties that they don’t want to take part in things that i enjoy.

Thanks again for your help!!!

Social anxiety

PamelaR — Sun, 26 Aug 2018 08:46:37 GMT

Hi Izfish

Life is sounding a little frightening for you at the moment. Having someone to talk to is good. It's unfortunate that you're not sure about your coach. Maybe it could be out of their comfort zone in providing any counselling. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor?

Also, have you thought about joining some clubs or groups that do the sorts of things you like to do in the outdoors. There are a lot of those things out there. Finding one that you like might be trial and error, but you might have some fun trying?

Social anxiety can be the pits, though it can be manageable. There are lots of things out there one can do. If you're interested at all there is a workbook on social anxiety you can work through at your own pace on the University of Western Australia, Centre for Clinical Intervention website.

Let us know how you get on.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Social anxiety

Izfish — Wed, 12 Sep 2018 00:51:47 GMT

I feel so overwhelmed and at a dead end. I am so so so lonely. I really want to open up to my friends, but I’m not sure which one I can trust and would understand (probably none). I am really scared that if I told them what I’m going through they would have a lower opinion of me and judge me. I don’t want people to see me differently from what they see now.

Whenever I convince myself that I am going to open up to one of my friends I immediately back out because i feel so so so uncomfortable about the whole situation. I don’t know how to explain the feeling, it’s as though there are massive butterflies in my stomach and I feel like I’m going to throw up and need to get as far away from the situation as possible.

Can someone please help me because I need some advice on how to approach this because I am so sick and tired of feeling so much pain all the time and having to deal with it myself. I’m also sick of hating myself for not being able to open up to people. I don’t know what has been the cause of this problem. I have had an amazing childhood, although I have had a few best friends who weren’t who I thought they were and in a way betrayed me. Please I really need some advice

Social anxiety

baet123 — Wed, 12 Sep 2018 01:55:06 GMT

Hey Izfish,

Sorry to hear that you feel overwhelmed and at a dead end. Opening up can be extremely hard especially as you mentioned you are not sure who you can trust or understand but you can trust us and we understand what you are going through as many of us have had similar experiences.

I know that feeling. I used to build my self up, felt like I was ready to tell people how I feel and then went push came to shove I backed out. This is completely normal and don't be too hard on yourself. You seem to have great courage, bravery and resilience and small steps are totally fine.

The best advice I can give you is keep using these forums to let your emotions out and continue building your confidence and with time you will feel more comfortable opening up to your friends/family. I also recommend if you are comfortable enough doing so is seeing your GP and asking them for a mental health plan which entitles you to 10 free psychologist appointments. If you see a psychologist you can tell them as much or as little as you want and they won't pressure you into saying anything your not comfortable with. See if you like the psychologist? You never know! If you develop an instant bond and click with them that would be great for improving your condition.

Lastly I recommend contacting Headspace. They would love to hear from you and are specialist with dealing with mental health conditions of teenagers and young adults (12-25 years of age). They approach an individual's well-being from a holistic standpoint. Please give them a call if you feel up to it. They do great things and are located Australia wide.

I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Hope this helped.

Baet123

Social anxiety

Izfish — Wed, 15 May 2019 14:03:34 GMT

It’s been over 6 months since I posted and i have now finished school and am at uni. When I was in school I always thought that once I got to uni the change would be good for me and my happiness because i was starting to feel trapped in school (i know now that this was an ignorant thought). But now that I’m at uni i feel just the same as I did at school. My loneliness doesn’t feel as intense anymore because in a way it has become the new normal for me. I have learnt to push it down and not think about it so much because when i do think about it i feel so helpless and confused because there is never an answer for me (except the obvious one of seeking help, which I’m 100% not ready for or comfortable with). It’s so frustrating because I’m always seeing things that say things will get better with time. Well how can this be true when i have been struggling with this for almost 3 years?? I don’t get it.

It’s so hard and confusing because I have a friendship group that I hang out with but every time i do I still feel so alone and empty. I just don’t know what it is that is stopping me from talking to someone. It’s so weird because every time I start to get somewhat close to someone I start to get really uncomfortable and embarrassed and have to do whatever I can to distance myself from that person, otherwise i just feel stupid. I’m just really confused at the moment. Some days will be good like I have gone weeks without feeling too down but it seems that the longer I go without thinking too much about this the harder it is when it all catches up to me.

Social anxiety

Croix — Thu, 16 May 2019 08:46:32 GMT

Dear Lzfish~

Welcome back, it is nice to hear from you and waht is happening in your life, even if the reason is not that good.

First congratulations on getting into uni, it is a different world.

I think in some ways you have things the wrong way around. Naturally you want to be with others, to share both the good and the bad, and to get and give support. Maybe a person has to start with some confidence inside in order to have relationships.

I know we have said this before, and I apologize for repeating it, however professional support is the start. I'm sure you strongly suspect this but am simply stuck. I got worse till I had competent medical help, afterwards I improved. Today I live a good life. Very many other can say the same.

May I suggest, please, that you do not let it become 4 years the same but go to a uni councilor, Headspace or a GP and set out how your life is now, and how it has been for the last 3 years. Then things can start to change. It takes them plus you, but it can work. Simply waiting and hoping is not working.

Seeing someone is not impossible, you did it once, and chose your coach. I do not know why the matter stalled there, probably becuse although sympathetic and understanding your coach did not know enough to do anything. After all in sporting matters a coach can be pretty certain what works, in other areas it can be frightening not to know what to do.

I found that I've had no confidence that I could explain things properly and completely in a face-to-face conversation, and also I thought there was a good chance I'd chicken out on saying the harder things. I'm probably not alone in having felt like this.

So a suggestion is to write everything down - probably point form is simplest and easiest, and take a couple of days to do it, so you get everything, and get it as good as you can. The take it to Headspace or whomever in a long appointment and hand it over.

I found that way the doctor got a complete picture and I only had to answer questions, not try to explain from scratch - plus of course it was too late to omit anything. I've done this more than once, and on every occasion the doctor or therapist has been happy to work that way.

Do you think this is doable?

Croix

Social anxiety

Izfish — Thu, 16 May 2019 09:44:09 GMT

Hi Croix, thankyou so much for your reply!!

Honestly, I do agree with you about knowing that getting help is probably part of the solution. I think i have just let this continue on for 3 years because i have been too scared to take the first step. I think i have also always thought that i would have to find someone sooner or later that i would be comfortable in talking to - but obviously this hasn’t happened.

Your suggestion about writing everything down and handing it over makes me a little less scared because I was always scared that I would miss something important or as you said chicken out.

Do you know if I could get help through messaging? Or would it be better to go in and see them in person to talk it over? To be honest I think I’m scared that they will think I’m being dramatic and unreasonable.

Once again thankyou for your reply it was really helpful!!

Social anxiety

Croix — Thu, 16 May 2019 10:40:08 GMT

Dear Lzfish~

This is only my own opinion but I think there is no substitute for being actually with anther human being in person, messaging does not do that.

From your posts over quite a long time now it is obvious that you are nether being dramatic or unreasonable. You are simply seeking the support you need. If it was something like a broken leg you would not hesitate. Anxiety can be just as debilitating.

From my own experience actually taking the first step is not as bad as the anticipation. Putting it off simply makes you suffer more for longer. A consultation is a two-person collaboration, it is not just you sitting there finding it difficult, any doctor or psych worth knowing will actively help ease those feelings and make you less uncomfortable.

Croix

Social anxiety

IreneM — Thu, 16 May 2019 10:54:18 GMT

Hi Izfish

I have been going through a similar situation to you as well as many other traumas. It is not a good idea to sweep your problem under the carpet and try to forget about it because it will keep coming back to haunt you at some point as Research has proven. I had a fear of people and hated myself.

So as Croix has suggested getting professional help is essential. But with Mental Awareness Growing, so is the range of services available growing too.

If you feel too frightened to see someone face-to-face there is another option called https://MINDSPOT.org.au

It is basically like doing therapy online. Here you start by doing a Mental Health Assessment as a GP would and they soon come back and call you about your results. Should you qualify and it sounds like you do.

You can start to do a course yourself and weekly contact with a Therapist by telephone is available as well as by an internal email service on the site. But remember you have to be willing to do things to change this for the better. The only person who can turn this around is you with the advice and guidance from a therapist. Other Professionals can help you but you have to do the work. I have started it and found it really helpful. The course goes for two months and after it is finished you can still keep using the skills that are being taught in the course on an ongoing basis.

Whether you choose this option or face-to-face, please seek therapy and if you're unsure and don't feel like talking to anyone (like I was when I was that way) instead of ending up rockbottom and ending up in a mental health ward; I hope you can at least use the email service below to get started. The sooner you act the easier the journey of recovery will be for you.

Take care and all the best with your efforts.

Irene.

Social anxiety

Izfish — Sun, 19 May 2019 12:25:39 GMT

Thankyou so much for your help. I will definitely look into both yours and Croix’s suggestions!!!

I just have another quick question. It’s probably stupid and nothing anyone can help with. But every time I like someone and they start liking me back I instantly stop liking them. Is this to do with my anxiety or is it nothing to think about?

Social anxiety

Croix — Sun, 19 May 2019 13:31:03 GMT

Dear Lzfish~

Many people are reluctant to form relationships, from simple acquaintance to long term partners, and this can be caused by anxiety, I'm not a doctor and do not really know the mechanisms involved but would guess low self-esteem and fear of hurt may have something to do with it - a misplaced protective measure..

I strongly suspect as your overall condition improves this will fade

Croix

Social anxiety

Izfish — Fri, 23 Aug 2019 11:50:41 GMT

I’m sorry to keep dragging on about this but I am starting to seriously think about seeing someone for help. But I am so terrified of going and starting because one of my main problems is that one of my biggest fears is opening up and talking to people. I’m just worried that if I go see someone that if it doesn’t work out then it could make my whole situation worst. I also really struggle to express myself and get how I’m feeling out into words, especially when I’m confronted with sitting in front of someone and having to talk about myself. I am really scared of the unknown I don’t like the idea of not knowing how it would go or what is supposed to happen. Does anyone have any advice or personal experiences that could help me with maybe becoming a little more comfortable in going?

Social anxiety

44Max44 — Fri, 23 Aug 2019 12:38:50 GMT

Hi Lzfish,

I can relate pretty hard to pretty much everything you said. I'm 20 now, but in Highschool I always just stuck with the same group of friends I made in Year 8, and thankfully stuck with them throughout Highschool. Outside of my small group of friends, I interacted with nobody, and I mean nobody. I only talked with other people if I had to (group projects) and even then as little as I possibly could.
I too always passed this off as just being shy, and even told people 'I'm just shy", but it was social anxiety.

I find it extremely difficult to talk to people I don't know well, but once I get comfortable with someone I'm alright. I find myself repeating what I'm about to say several times in my head just to make sure that what I'm going to say isn't going to sound dumb, and sometimes even miss the opportunity to say it entirely because the conversation has already moved on.
I also feel like I usually bring absolutely nothing to the conversation, because I feel like I have nothing worth-while to talk about. I'd much rather sit in the sidelines of someone else's conversation instead of being part of one myself.

I also tend to have laser focus on particular things, like something I think I may have done wrong, something I said, what somebody else said, etc. That will be the only thing on my mind and I can't shake the feeling.

Also, I find it very difficult to express myself and my feelings. My friend got a 6-week old puppy the other day, and although I was beyond ecstatic to see and play with the puppy, I didn't really show or convey any of that.
I just find it really difficult to say what I really want to say for fear of getting backlash (I guess), and show as little body language as possible as to not stand out of the crowd.

All-around I just feel like I'm extremely awkward in social situations, which just makes me feel even worse and makes me want to avoid social situations as much as possible.

Social anxiety

Izfish — Sat, 24 Aug 2019 05:12:51 GMT

Thanks for the reply 44Max44!! It’s so good to hear that someone else completely understands what I am going through!! Have you reached out to anyone about it? If so how did you find it? Because I am terrified in taking the first step but I know that, that is potentially the only way i will get better and become happier

Social anxiety

Izfish — Wed, 28 Aug 2019 13:23:12 GMT

Has anyone got any suggestions for good councillors who can communicate via text (if there is such a thing)? I just feel like I need to take it step by step and I think that texting would help me build up the courage to meeting face to face with someone eventually

Social anxiety

Izfish — Thu, 29 Aug 2019 09:16:17 GMT

Has anyone used the online chat that beyond blue offers? If so how did you find it? I’m just wondering whether that might be the way to go for me at the moment?