topic Do we care or do we not care ? in Anxiety

Do we care or do we not care ?

IsaJett — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 02:51:11 GMT

I have been seeing a guy who is younger than I am ..everything is so so sweet ..until he mentioned one time that he feels that he thinks people are judging him or us ..when we go out .

i was mortified ...because I was never one to care what others thought ...cos I got my own life to live and it isn’t anybodys business . I learned these a while ago ..people are gonna judge you regardless ..that’s what people do . So you would do your head in if you cared at all about what anybody thought . I got that down pad ..but my boyfriend was like so distraught by it , and I was so taken back because I was oblivious to how he was suffering .

i told him how I viewed it in the hope of him being able to get another perspective ..so he doesn’t feel so judged..cos that sounds really painful for him , he felt that it’s important that I know how he’s feeling about it , and I’m glad he did ..because I was absolutely clueless...thinking omg what’s the big deal ...we just go out get some dinner. ....but apparently it is a BIG deal to him ..he hides it rather well ...times when we out ..I thought oh he’s very quiet but at times he just looks like he doesn’t want to be there ,

so I am just in a world of pain for him ...because I don’t care about what others think ...but he does. He would say ..he doesn’t care either ..but clearly he does ..hAha

i harped on it a little while as I wanted him to see it my way ,..and then I realise he gonna have to do this on his own .

its not even just the age gap thing ...it’s everything ..people judge or so we think ...but whatever the case is ,..we just cannot care ..we have to choose not to care ..so we can operate normally .

Hmm just a rant session ..anyone feel the same ..would love to hear similar survivor stories .

i thought he wanted to end the relationship and freaked out until I realise he is in a way opening up to me and I can’t just go all personal on him ..cos it isn’t about me ..it’s about him and how he thinks the world views him .

Do we care or do we not care ?

CherryRed — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 03:09:50 GMT

What is the age difference?

Do we care or do we not care ?

IsaJett — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 03:20:43 GMT

9 years

Do we care or do we not care ?

IsaJett — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 03:22:18 GMT

But even if it were more or less ...it’s irrelevant because I think it’s the two people involved ..if that makes sense

Do we care or do we not care ?

CherryRed — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 03:30:17 GMT

I personally think 9 years is neither here nor there. Maybe different if you were 70 and he was 22, know what I mean?

Did you ask him why he feels judged, when most people are oblivious?

My ex-brother-in-law married a woman who was about 10 years older than him. They're still married 30+ years later. His brother and I are long divorced.

Do we care or do we not care ?

IsaJett — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 03:39:57 GMT

He said in normal circumstance when he is out alone ..he wouldn’t draw attention to himself ...he’s very low key ...he is a homebody and very studious ..the times we were out was early days and I am quite bubbly in nature ,.so I just thought he was shy ..so as I understand he doesn’t want to stop me being me ..and I just said when out with me ..I be an element he can’t really control ... I really don’t think anyone was judging but he said to me that he stills remember the peoples faces ...but all I remember is me out with him having a fun time , ,lol I totally didn’t know he had so much struggle ...and I feel badly too for him

Do we care or do we not care ?

IsaJett — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 03:41:38 GMT

I know it has taken a lot for him to tell me this as he is very introverted ..but that’s also the main reason I love the guy ..so I gotta take the good and the bad ..cos I ain’t perfect either

Do we care or do we not care ?

CherryRed — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 03:52:44 GMT

Ok, so maybe it's not the age difference. Sounds like you're an extrovert and shine brightly when out. I have a daughter like you, she just expands in company and gets more gregarious with that energy. Like...a lot of people would shy away from a microphone or speaches...she's more 'hand me the microphone' lol.

Your boyfriend could be an introvert like me. I can only describe it from my side. Social interactions suck energy from us. A work Christmas party can see me drained afterwards, and need downtime to recover. No judgement from either side. One gets more energised from social contact, the other needs serious recovery time to recharge batteries. It doesn't mean we can't handle the moment, we just need time on the charger afterwards.

For me personally, doesn't matter if it's my beloved children or people I adore, it just sucks my energy. I let them be them, and I be me.

Do we care or do we not care ?

IsaJett — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 04:01:58 GMT

Yeah that’s great ...I’m not that extroverted ...it’s been circumstantial that I got that way ..I rather prefer to be an introvert ...that’s why I really love his company ..yeah I suck out his energy for sure ,.he has said he needs to recover from me..hahaah I am mindful that I would ..but I am definitely way chatty and bubbly ,.very easily drain any introvert ..hahaah

Thanks for your advice ..he did say to me ..he doesn’t want me to change just for me to know that he feels how he feels .

The very initial moment I heard it ,.i thought he wanted to end it ...I jumped to conclusions ..but he said he needed it said out then keeping it in ,

Do we care or do we not care ?

CherryRed — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 04:10:32 GMT

It's so great he told you. Don't stop being you, don't diminish yourself or manage down your expectations. I think we do that too much.

Acceptance goes both ways. I'd honour a partner who takes the microphone, so to speak, and understands that is not the way I naturally am.

Do we care or do we not care ?

IsaJett — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 04:21:16 GMT

Yeah I’m glad he told me too ...i thought initially he was ashamed to be seen in public with me ,,.and I got paranoid ,,haha

do u think it’s an anxiety thing or introvert thing ? It sounds like a lethal combination .he also mentioned that he loves compartmentalising everything ...which is all new term to me ,,hahah he said it’s worked for him historically ...I don’t know ...it’s been three years we been together ...I guess it’s one of those conversation to have ...where the relationship either fractures and goes downhill or strengthens ..

he said he is worried that I would feel that all that he is giving to me isn’t enough ...which isn’t true ..cos im just grateful he is in my life , like it’s that Simple for me .hahaha

thanks for listening cherry red

Do we care or do we not care ?

CherryRed — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 04:35:36 GMT

He's a man. Lol. 😝

I don't have the answers, Isa. Or I wouldn't be here about a deeply depressed, gorgeous man who does my head in. I do have 3 daughters who regularly bend my ear. And I, theirs.

I think if he keeps talking, keep listening. He trusts you to do that. That's a good thing.

Do we care or do we not care ?

IsaJett — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 04:45:33 GMT

Oh i see ...what has happened with you ? What gorgeous man does your head in ? Hahah

is he ok ? I hope he’s ok ..tell me more

Do we care or do we not care ?

CherryRed — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 05:00:46 GMT

No, he's not ok.

Weve been in and out of each other's lives for about 12 years now. We come together, and then break up. Relationships in between. Always finding each other again. This time nearly 2 years.

When we get to the point of moving in together or blending lives, he panics and bails. It only happens with me. Great.

He has PTSD. Childhood trauma. Ex military vet. I think we get close and then he gets terrified. It's awful. I spoke to him last week and he just cried for an hour. I love him to death.

Just letting him be for now.

Do we care or do we not care ?

IsaJett — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 05:21:32 GMT

Oh no .... it sounds very tough ...it sounds like he needs a lot of his own space ...because as much as he loves you ..he feels he can’t quite deliver ,. Have you actually tried just not progressing to that next step ?it sounds daunting to him .. my boyfriend also scared I think ...lol ..in my situation I don’t feel the need to move in with him ..it be nice but I am happy not to merge as I have my 13 year old in my house with me . I did say it be nice to move in together when my son moved out when he does ..I’m guessing a good 10 years ...lol if him and I last that long ..

is that a viable option option for you guys to just see each other in a regular basis.

funny they somehow feel suffocated when they see us women too much ...hahah

are we really that scary of a breed ?

i been reading men from mars women from Venus ...I haven’t learnt anything yet ,,hahaha

you know cherryred...sometimes we can’t choose who we love but we sure as hell can choose how we gonna handle these situations handed to us by the universe. I choose humor ...and it’s worked 99.99percent of the time .

i feel a lot like a lot of space is needed with these lovely men of ours ,.we need to love them like a free bird ...

he said the other day “ I wished I could turn off my phone for a few months and it be alright”

That mortified me ...but in hindsight ..I be totally alright as long as I know it isn’t me but just the fact that he wants space ...

space is actually a good thing to have in the right context with boundaries .

do u agree ?

i hope my story can help u one way or another ,

Do we care or do we not care ?

IsaJett — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 06:25:09 GMT

Hi cherryred

sorry to hear ..sounds like a tough gig ..we can choose who we love ..wouldn’t it be great if we could just turn off emotions ..whilst they are trying to space out. It ,must be so tough for all involved . Have u tried to just maintain the status quo as in no progression ...because it feels he’s afraid of the total commitment cos it freaks him out ..I know for sure my guy would be paranoid too like that ..hahaha

but what we can do is just to look ourselves as best we can whilst giving them the space they need . Well u can count on me to pick u up while u do that ..lol

there’s meditation video that you can try ,.jason Stephenson let go meditation ...just to get some headspace and required quality sleep

try it ...get him to try it too ..

i used him and this thing comes through for me everytime.

Hope it can help u too , I wrote another post ..not sure why it did not come through