topic Really want to start dating in Anxiety

Really want to start dating

sera — Wed, 11 Oct 2017 10:07:13 GMT

Hello BB people,

I'm a 40 yr old guy who has been diagnosed with social phobia, mood disorder and depression. I see a psychiatrist who is mostly helpful and take medication which also helps.

I find that I'm lonely and want to start dating regularly so I can build up confidence, experience and feel better about my value as a partner.

I have had one relationship for 4 years, but it finished badly - my fault - and only came about through a friend setting us up.

I've never asked a girl to go out and girls who I like usually already have boyfriends and are too young for me, i.e. more than 10 years. I feel inexperienced as many people my age are married or divorced, have a career and kids.

I wish I could go back and be more adventurous in my 20s and ask girls out, but of course, I can't. I've done CBT, but need to take solid action outside therapy, that's my issue.

If I had a group of friends - only 1 person I see apart from parents who consider a friend - there would be many opportunities to socialise, meet girls, socially lubricate.

I do feel desperate at times because I don't do anything about it and it will not change if I don't. I tried internet dating, sent lot of messages, but didn't hear back or have dates.

Thanks for listening.

Sera (guy, even though may sound like girl)

Really want to start dating

white knight — Wed, 11 Oct 2017 10:38:29 GMT

Hi, welcome

Persist with internet dating

My daughter just married her internet date.

The beauty of ID is you narrow down your needs. You end up with someone more compatible.

You are a good catch...thats what you should believe.

TonyWK

Really want to start dating

Guest_1584 — Wed, 11 Oct 2017 12:23:12 GMT

Hey sera. you might be able to change that btw if you want , dunno.

But yeah , well , frist thing comes to mind is look what you've avoided because sadly most people out there 40d 50s are going through divorce and the horrific after marth that it can be. So at least you missed out on that .

But look , tbh , l don't really think it's all about having friends although handy to have someone you can go out with if you can do pubs or something public , even hobbies or hiking , anywhere where there's people . But friends as such , not that many people get with friends of friends anyway.My sisters about the most sociable person you ever met but she's 50 and been single for years.

l mean not saying it might not help , for sure , but just don't be down on yourself or five up just because you don't know many people because there's lots of ways to skin a cat haha.

Can you front u at a bar on your own or clubs . Are there any hobbies you'd like to get into that involve people you can meet and mix with.

You could also join up on one of the date sites ,they can ve pretty disheartening but you can also meet a lot of people on thise or maybe that special one , it does happen.

l know you have issues but you'd also be amazed at what just plucking up the courage and biting that bullet can do too. facing the music.

Anyway good luck and try not to worry , your absolute prime age for a lot of women out there so give yourself a few nudges to get out there a bit eh. You'll surprise yourself l bet.

Really want to start dating

Croix — Wed, 11 Oct 2017 12:53:40 GMT

Dear Sera~

I'd like to join Tony WK in welcoming you. I found someone when I was older than you and we have now been together for many years.

I too would say persevere with internet dating. You may find some sites are for different ages or interests, so maybe have a look around.

I would suggest if you do intend to take up internet dating seriously you first do a little research about the pitfalls and traps that can happen. Basically it is common sense, but like any new venture preparation is good.

The one thing I do know from my own experience looking for a mate is that there are many people in the world who wish to find a partner, and of those many could be the one. It is a matter of getting in touch.

If you are not that confident or easy talking to a lady to start with do as I did and converse in writing until you are both comfortable with the idea of being face to face. By the you will know a bit about each other and have things to talk about.

I believe everyone has had an interesting life, and most have lot to offer in a relationship. It is not so much looks as character, kindness, understanding, strength.You already know thous or you would not have talked about your potential value as a partner.

I would expect you will be fine

Croix

Really want to start dating

blondguy — Wed, 11 Oct 2017 15:02:11 GMT

Hello Sera

TonyWK and Croix are kind and gentle people and their advice is spot on re internet dating. I have a close friend that has just married a wonderful lady that he met on a dating site. I have met her and she really is wonderful

Croix wisely mentioned doing the homework first so you can enjoy the experience. Internet dating will only grow and become better.

I wish you all my best Sera.....I wish I was 40 again!! I am 57 and envious 🙂

you are not alone here.....if you have the time let us know how you are going...

Paul

Really want to start dating

Guest_1584 — Thu, 12 Oct 2017 12:55:11 GMT

That's actually great to hear that from you guys and tbh, l only had a quick dabble online after my divorce so no expert on that stuff.l did meet 3 lovely ladies though in that time and a few not so lovely.

But funnyly enough soon after l met my gf in the divorce forum l was in.

Really want to start dating

Jessicatherese94 — Thu, 12 Oct 2017 22:50:13 GMT

Hi Sera, I definitely agree with what everyone says. Internet dating seems to be the way people meet each other these days. If the girls you like are usually a lot younger than you and have boyfriends, why don't you widen your search to people around your own age? I don't think you should be limiting yourself to a certain age range, because people are so different and unique at all times of their lives. What's your social life like at work? I'm still 22 and at university so I don't know much about the working world, but a lot of my friends with full time jobs do after work drinks and that seems to be a way to meet stacks of new people. You could even try meetup.com and see if there were any meetings happening in your city. Attend book clubs, explore your interests, exercise - do any social activity you can think of. Even if you don't meet new people, still getting out there can be rewarding. Wishing you the best.

Really want to start dating

sera — Sat, 14 Oct 2017 08:53:58 GMT

Hi WK,

Thanks for your post. IME, I've found that I didn't get many replies from ID and that it became costly as I was sending messages and not receiving replies. I think I'd have a better chance meeting girls in 'real world' as it is hard to show your positives online when people are mainly looking at the attractiveness of the person - I admit that I do the same as it is hard to get to know someone from a profile. I found that I wasn't even getting to a point where we could exchange emails or chat, so I didn't persist.

Jessicatherese94, some great ideas, I find that most often girls have boyfriends, i'm not sure if it 'easier' for girls to get a partner as men traditionally do the pursuing.

I'm finding life really difficult at the mo, with a new job and having missed lots of days because of anxiety.

I appreciate your replies.

Really want to start dating

Guest_128 — Sat, 14 Oct 2017 09:15:41 GMT

Hey Sera,

I just read through all your thread,

You sound like a fried robot,

Where is your soul man????

whats ya job????

what are your hobbies????

Other than women,what gets you going?????

Get outside and away from technology.

buy a puppy great chic magnet.

Go to a coffee shop everyday and read the paper.

When you stop looking so hard,it will just happen.

Can't wait to hear what your soul is about.🤗

Dory

Really want to start dating

Guest_1584 — Sat, 14 Oct 2017 23:46:16 GMT

Ahh dory , your a pissa. That's great advice though eh ,think l better stop brooding and try some of it myself yeah.

Really want to start dating

Croix — Wed, 30 May 2018 11:04:24 GMT

Dear Sera~

I'm replying to a post you made elsewhere on your thoughts about women and the current situation you are in. You sound pretty down.

I think that a lot of what you feel comes from isolation, something I suspect has grown more and more as time has gone on. As a result your world has shrunk down to your house, parents and tv. This leave room for unhelpful thoughts to bloom, without the day to day checks of meeting people, talking with workmates or fellow students or any one of a 100 ways one stays in touch with life.

Your preconceptions that "the emphasis is on the individual and getting ahead you fall to the wayside if you
don't fit in with a career, relationship, money, etc. " is frankly wrong. I was older than you, no money, no paid job, had PTSD, anxiety and depression but found someone that overlooked all those 'faults' and loved me for me, and still does.

I'm trying to say that relationships take two people, the burden does not fall on you alone. If you have difficulties thinking of a person in terms of sex then that is a problem you face and fix together. You only have to meet one person who suits you and you suit them. honesty (difficult I know) and care are most often enough.

I think you are also wrong about most girls having boyfriends, some do, some don't. Some have survived the death of a partner, some a separation, may by their 40's have kids. You would be amazed how much your life can change and how valued you can become.

While I'm talking to you I'd suggest you see you doctor and have you treatment - if you have any at the moment - reviewed, it may not be as effective as it should be.

Croix

Re: Really want to start dating

sera — Fri, 15 Dec 2023 07:54:11 GMT

Looking back at this thread and unfortunately since then, my lack of dating success has not changed. I'm 48 now and I don't think I'll ever have a partner, even though it is a burning desire. I've wanted to have a girlfriend since my early twenties and apart from one relationship of 3 years, there has being nothing else. Put it down to low self esteem, belief in myself as a person, etc, but really it is because i haven't done anything to change my situation. No friends either, just a f-up and a loser. Can't change who you are.

Re: Really want to start dating

Croix — Fri, 15 Dec 2023 12:46:23 GMT

Dear Sera~

Welcome back, it has been a fair while and I'm sorry that you have not managed to find anyone, or they have not managed to find you.

As you have probably already found out the Bureau of Statistics lists around 1/3 of Australians feel loneliness. This could mean 1/3 of those you know feel that way and may be looking themselves, or are too anxious to try.

I guess the first hard part is meeting someone that does feel the same way, and then the second is being able to say you have difficulties establishing a relationship - surprisingly you may meet understanding

It is not too late! As I mentioned before I met someone when a couple of years older than you are now and it is still working out fine after 25+ years.

Perhaps you do have to try to maximize your chances of meeting someone, and the best way I know is to do things where there are many potential girlfriends, from animal shelters to ballroom dancing, from museums to Adult Education.

It does mean actively doing something, but that is probably better than remaining the way you feel now, you sound pretty miserable.

Do you think these ideas are possible?

Also I disagree wiht you about "Can't change who you are". The fact is people do grow.

Croix

Re: Really want to start dating

sera — Mon, 18 Dec 2023 22:53:45 GMT

Hi Croix,

I appreciate that you have responded to my post so quickly.

With meeting girls I have a low level of confidence, and can't imagine why they would find me attractive and someone they want to be with.

Thanks you

Re: Really want to start dating

Croix — Tue, 19 Dec 2023 10:57:40 GMT

Dear Sera~

I guess if you think only of yourself and your own merits then things may not work, as you have the feeling you are not attractive enough, and that stops you. It does not have to be that way.

Can I suggest you try to concentrate on the other person and regard the meeting and anything that follows on to be a two-person venture. You are not alone, there is another person there and between the two of you that first meeting may be good enough for both of you to want another

Good luck!

Croix

Re: Really want to start dating

sera — Thu, 11 Jan 2024 04:36:46 GMT

Hello Croix,

I am posting this time with positive news in relation to my mental health and outlook on life. Very briefly I found that my testosterone levels were very low and have started treatment for addressing this. In a very short time my mood, energy and thinking skills have improved, plus my libido is what it was when i was in my 20s. Still in the stage of finding the right dosage and application, but my specialist is very good.

I have also started daily exercise, something which I haven't done in 6 months, and other productive things.

Side effects, as always, are difficulty sleeping and 'quieting' down my thoughts when trying to sleep, plus a few physical related to libido; but overall feel good about the change.

Thanking you for your understanding and advice.

Cheers Nicholas

Re: Really want to start dating

Croix — Thu, 11 Jan 2024 14:57:44 GMT

Dear Nicholas~

I'm very glad for you that your testosterone level was a real problem and is now being adjusted with such good effects. Hopefully now the idea of a social life becomes possible, plus you have the energy!

An awful lot of medical treatments do have side effects that we would rather not have. Not sleeping and the mind too active sounds pretty familiar to me. Can I suggest you try the free smartphone app Smiling Mind. This does take practice, you can't get good results hte first time you use it, however as I became more used to using it I found it very effective in calming my mind and breaking the chain of thoughts I'd been having

It has all sorts of exercises, even one for me, who has the attention span of a goldfish:)

If you would like to please let us know how you get on

Croix