topic How do i explain? in Anxiety

How do i explain?

PBelle — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 02:11:29 GMT

Just wanting to ask if anyone has any suggestions on how to tell someone that the reason I acted a certain way was because of my illness without it sounding like an excuse or a cope out?
Talking about on here is easy but, I don't how to explain it on the outside. Will they understand that it wasn't my fault, I couldn't control my actions? Or does using my anxiety and saying that I wasn't well an excuse for the behaviour? Should I not say anything or should I be honest about having anxiety issues?

How do i explain?

quirkywords — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 02:39:20 GMT

PBelle,

What a great question. It is an interesting dilemma and I suppose for me it depends on the behaviour I am explaining. If the behaviour was something I would do whether I had anxiety or not , I would just apologise .

If the behaviour was something to do with my anxiety I would explain about the anxiety and how it affects how I behave at time -the depth of the explanation, would depend on the person I am explaining to. Also it depends on the relationship you have with the person to whom you are explaining.

It also depends how comfortable you feel about talking about your illness.

I have lived with a diagnosis of bipolar for over 40 years and have often thought over the years about whether I should take responsibility , explain about my illness, or just apologise if that is required and say nothing else. I suppose it does depend on the situation and the people involved.

These are just my ideas .

Thanks again it is something I do think about so thanks for this thread.

Quirky

How do i explain?

PBelle — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 03:21:40 GMT

My anxiety was the reason for my horrible behaviour. I got very emotional, uncontrollable crying, clingy and demanding. I also needed to find answers, it was all controlled by my anxiety.

But I just don't know whether explaining this might just seem like a cope out.

How do i explain?

Doolhof — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 03:28:13 GMT

Hi PBelle,

Quirky has given you a good answer it, it may depend on who you are trying to explain yourself to and how much they comprehend or are willing to try to understand mental health issues.

Some people just don't get it, no matter how much you try to explain it to them.

It may certainly make you feel a whole lot better if you do explain, and may even clarify your actions to yourself.

Mental health issues are an illness, they are real, it can cause us to behave inappropriately at times, so maybe an explanation would be beneficial to the other person.

Easier said than done at times I know!

Cheers from Dools

How do i explain?

PBelle — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 04:00:45 GMT

Thanks for the helps!

How do i explain?

Doolhof — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 04:12:51 GMT

You are more than welcome.

I know there have been times when I would have been a lot better off if I had managed to count to 10 or bitten my tongue!

How do i explain?

PBelle — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 04:37:41 GMT

I know that I have a long road ahead of me. I just don't want to screw up anymore than I already have. I tend overthink things. Part of the anxiety, I have to learn to control.

How do i explain?

Guest_1584 — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 05:02:56 GMT

Yeah , great question.

l've had situations since way back to teens but l've never explained it except to my partner .

Especially in family situation. Got a huge family scattered far an wide that l only see most of every 3 or 4 yrs , thank god. But l've had major screwups and blow outs around them but even at these ages 40s and 50s , they don't have a clue. l've never told them it's just anxiety. l can be the coolest guy you meet but in some situations it gets on top of me.

Yaknow , if you've only got a smallish family and your around them a fair bit, maybe you could explain it to them and then word will get around from there into people you know and stuff too maybe,

Maybe then they understand and don't take it to heart.

How do i explain?

Guest_1584 — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 05:09:16 GMT

Although sometimes with family it is legit because l see through them and maybe watched whatever it was for years and years and had enough of it. They just don't know that or themselves.

How do i explain?

Croix — Sat, 23 Dec 2017 12:54:52 GMT

Dear PBelle~

I hope you don't mind If I talk to you for a moment here, I saw your post over in the Chillout Lounge about sending an email and it struck a chord with me. Then I saw your question in this thread.

I guess one of the big problems for many with a mental illness is the question of judgment. Most people judge by everyday standards and quite frankly they simply do not apply. As an example when I had a teenage offspring if they laid around in bed all day and did not go and study I'd be cross, they were being plain lazy.

However someone with depression might do exactly the same thing - stay in bed, it would be a completely different matter, for them getting up and facing the day might be pretty well impossible.

I suppose the job of that email is to make your loved one switch tracks and judge in an appropriate manner. You do have some resources, The Facts Menu above has a fair bit on symptoms and treatments and how to hold conversions.

Writing things down can be a good way of giving a logical and effective account, however when you said email I remembered many times in my past when I used it for similar things. Email is good in one way, you can send it of without being face to face, so less pressure.

You pay for it though because from then on you are in limbo, waiting to get a response and not knowing even if they have read it - which can make things awkward if you then seen them in person. I really hated the waiting so I don't do it anymore.

Is there anyway you -or someone close - could hand-deliver the message on paper and wait while they read it, or some other system that stops you being on tenterhooks?

In any event I really hope it works out and your Christmas is very special

Croix

How do i explain?

PBelle — Sat, 23 Dec 2017 20:23:06 GMT

Hi,

Unfortunately the email is probably my best chance as my loved one has moved, we are in different cities, but I don't really want to ask other people where they are as it might raise suspicion, questions about why we aren't communicating after being so close for so many years. I'm don't want go there, but I thought if I explained how I have gotten help, and that i'm more like the person i was, that he might understand and maybe we could start talking again. I'm in a bit of a limbo of which email address to send it from. I have 2 email addresses, the first one he will recognise straight away and might not open it, but the second one I have isn't my name and I thought that if I used that, he might open it and start reading it. But I don't want to deceive him that it is me. I know what I am saying to him, I have written it down, and I do mention that it is me, a couple of sentences in. But any advice on which email you would use? I can only try this way and just hope.

How do i explain?

PBelle — Sun, 24 Dec 2017 01:24:13 GMT

Just an update. Working through my exercise book and it called for to challenge my worry by doing something not planned. So I sent the email using the address that he will recognise with the tittle, Beyond blue help for my anxiety and Christmas wishes from family. I can only try and not worry about it. If i'm going to get over my anxiety, then i'm going to have to face the uncertainty of not knowing and try not worry about it. Brave and bold move, but I did it.

How do i explain?

quirkywords — Sun, 24 Dec 2017 03:01:35 GMT

PBelle

I am just catching up on your thread.

I am so impressed that you challenged your worry.

Is the book a work book to help with anxiety.

I actually did something not planned recently and now I realise I have done it, I will give myself credit for it.

I hope you are pleased with yourself as it is a first step.

All the best

Quirky

How do i explain?

PBelle — Sun, 24 Dec 2017 03:10:39 GMT

I find myself waiting for a reply, but at the same time trying my best not to think about it.

I have a workbook from the e-couch website which my counsellor recommended me use as a tool. It is good and I only read a couple of pages every couple of days so I take it in. Maybe cause tomorrow is Christmas, connecting again is foremost on my mind and I am finding it a bit hard today going, having a couple of down moments. Plus the heat means that you can't really do that much, so I keep thinking about stuff. But even in my down moments, yes, I did something I didn't plan to do. Whether it was the right thing to do, I don't know. But I did it.

How do i explain?

CMF — Sun, 24 Dec 2017 05:14:14 GMT

Hi PBelle,

Thought I'd pop in and say hello and catch up on your thread. Wow, well done on sending that email, that took guts and I'm really proud of you. I think it is good you sent it from a recognisable email because it is you and shows how genuine you are, especially if you are trying to show who the real you is.

It is awful when someone we loved does not see who we really are. A few questions to ponder;

Besides explaining what caused your behaviour what are you hoping to get from sending the email? You mention you are in different cities. Are you hoping for a reconciliation or are you just wanting to clear the air and be on speaking terms?

The fact you want to explain shows how much this person means to you. Will a response help you move on with your life? Will it give you closure?

If you do not get a response can you close that door and move on?

You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

I ask these question because i was once in a situation where someone thought i was something that i absolutely was not. We were still in contact but i fought so hard to try and prove who I really was and why i did certain things. He didn't want to know, it would have meant he was completely wrong about me and he thinks he's never wrong. I wanted to prove myself because i couldn't stand the thought of him thinking i was someone i wasn't. I was concerned what he thought of me because i still had feelings. I no longer have those feelings and i couldn't care less what he thinks of me because he never interested in knowing the real me.

I'm not saying it is the same in your case but think about why you want to explain who you really are and what you are hoping the outcome to be. If it is not the outcome you hope for then walking away and telling yourself it is what it is maybe the way to move forward.

If he is no longer in your life and not interested in your explanation then you have done all you can which is a credit to you.

cmf x

How do i explain?

PBelle — Sun, 24 Dec 2017 07:33:55 GMT

Hi CMF,

I realise that it did take guts to send that email, I haven't received a response, but I reckon he would have seen it by now. All i'm looking for is to be friends again, on speaking terms as such. I know I did damage and it will take a lot to rebuild what we had, but I guess even if I received a response back, even if it was to go away or something like that, then at least it would be closure. But I can't move on. We do live in different cities at the moment, but my favourite town, the place where I plan to live when I get a job is the same country town where he was and to me whenever I go there, I get reminders of him as well.

Crickey, I would love a reconciliation, but I know he so stubborn that in previous times, he doesn't read what I say and I think in this time, it is partly the reason why he won't even say hello, cause he is stubborn that he won't read what I have to say. I'm so venting here, but it does get me a bit angry that if he really doesn't want anything to do with me, then why doesn't he just have the balls to face up to me and just say it to my face. I have never been one for hiding things, I have been hurt so many times by other people talking behind my back. I like to be told to my face. I don't want to have hateful thoughts or memories about this person. I know they have had their struggles to and that's one reason why we were such good friends, we clicked and had simular personalities.

They say it takes 2 to tango. And I kind of feel that we are both at fault, but we just have this standoff where i'm reaching out and he is so stubborn to try.

Sorry about the vent, kind of struck something inside.

How do i explain?

PBelle — Sun, 24 Dec 2017 08:25:37 GMT

CMF,

That person you spoke about. I understand cause I feel that I am in the same boat as you. Yes I did have feelings for this person and they knew it, maybe that's why they don't want to speak to me, maybe they don't want me to get involved again or they are afraid of having feelings forme again, I don't know. I don't know what's in his head. All I do know is that we were really good friends before and I just want that opportunity again. But I feel that if he would just talk to me and then we could clear the air, then go from there, whatever happens. Thing is that lots of people knew we were close and people are beginning to wonder why he hasn't spoken to me. I can't tell them about how it was my fault, go into details. I just shrug. But I then I think of what they might be thinking to that. Just one move from him, whatever it is, is all I ask. Maybe I should give it a couple more months and just give a hello, no explanations and see if he responds to that. If I knew where he lived, I would go and see him, but I can't ask others where he is for the fear of them asking why.

How do i explain?

CMF — Sun, 24 Dec 2017 11:13:40 GMT

Hey Princess,

'Maybe I should give it a couple more months and just give a hello, no explanations and see if he responds to that.'

I think this is a good idea, give him time and space to absorb your email. He May be busy with xmas things too at the moment. If he contacts you, I hope you can resolve things. If not, then you know where you stand with him and it may be time to close that door. Either way, i hope you find peace in your heart.

cmf x

How do i explain?

PBelle — Mon, 25 Dec 2017 08:42:56 GMT

Sorry guys, I need to vent.

I have had a up and down day again with Christmas. Here I am surrounded by people who are family, love me, yet I feel alone. Cause I still feel that heartbreak for the one person who I realise that I still love. It hurts so much cause this person is the only person that I have ever loved. For years these feelings have been inside of me and even though I have tried to move on before, I never been able to cause I feel that this person is my soulmate. I just have never had those same feelings.

CMF, you said yesterday that if can close the door, could I do that and move on? I don't think so. Cause I know that I am always going to love this person. Even though I feel like he stole my heart and then screwed it up and through it in the bin, I still love him. But how do I stop the hurting when you have been so badly burnt, ignored for months?

Sorry just had to say it. Maybe cause it is Christmas and when you see all those happy couples around and all your thinking of is how lonely you feel, how you just want to be loved, be someone's companion and you know that you had it but the anxiety drove them away, then it eats inside of you. It hurts so much more. I hate that loneliness feel. I hate feeling down and the crying, but when your heartbroken, you can't help it. I wish I could just stop it.

Seriously people here are going to start getting bored with me talking over and over about this one person, but I don't have anyone else to talk to about it. It's bottled up cause the one person who I used to confide in, is that same person that I am talking about. It's hard cause while I have other friends, I don't have that one person to turn to. I guess i'm starting to open up about it. And my councillor is holidays, so BB is my only place I can confide in. Let it out. I still love him and i'm hurting cause of it, but he is stuck in my mind and in my heart.

How do i explain?

CMF — Mon, 25 Dec 2017 20:47:35 GMT

Dear Princess,

sorry to see you struggled so much yesterday.

Firstly, no one is going to get sick of you talking about the same person. I've been doing that on here for years. It's good that you are opening up and not keeping it bottled up. I'm proud of you.

as for the hurt you are feeling, it can take a long time, up you will get there, the pain will lessen. I know exactly how you feel, to lose someone for the wrong reasons and not have that person to lean on, confide in. Do you have things to keep you busy, keep your mind busy so you don't think about it constantly?

We are here for you, don't bottle it up, vent as much as you need.

hope today is a better day.

cmf x