topic Feeling Lost... in Anxiety

Feeling Lost...

Daisy129 — Sat, 15 Jul 2017 10:03:54 GMT

I'm relatively new here and finding this a little terrifying but maybe it will help to share

I have been dealing with anxiety (GAD and social anxiety) and depression for my whole life but wasn't diagnosed til my 20's

I am now in my 40s and have had phases of life in which I have been able to be happy and productive

Right now though I am feeling quite lost, I have little children and am a single mum

I am good at putting on a brave face and dealing with the challenges of being a mum when the kids are here but when they go to their dads I just get this horrible lost feeling

The house is in such a muddle and I feel like I should use the time they are away to catch up on chores and clean but I just end up standing around the house looking at the mess and feeling overwhelmed

I tend to just eat food and watch movies instead, and then feel guilty for not doing anything

I keep trying to motivate myself to get out and go for a walk or do some exercise to get myself moving but I just cannot shift the feeling enough to get myself going....

Feeling Lost...

kanga_brumby — Sat, 15 Jul 2017 11:26:17 GMT

Hi Daisy I am another single parent so I know the feeling when the children aren't there. Then you feel beauty I will catch up with this and that. Then do the other. When there gone no motivation because they aren't there. You cope with it when there, there, because you have to. It's what is expected of you as a parent. You do need personnel time to look after yourself go to the movies alone. Coffee with friends, a girls night out what ever. So don't beat up on yourself relax for a spell. You deserve it.

Kanga

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Daisy129 — Sat, 15 Jul 2017 11:40:57 GMT

Thank you Kanga, It is nice to get 'permission' to take it easy. I have always found it hard to relax when there are things to do but I guess that's the life when you have kids, you kind of have to get used to living in chaos. I might try again tomorrow, Thanks for your reply 🙂

Feeling Lost...

White_Rose — Sat, 15 Jul 2017 15:45:25 GMT

Hello Daisy

I can relate to the feeling of listlessness, when everything is such an effort and sitting around feels good. May I make a suggestion to you. I know us moms feel we need to be available to our children all the time and at the same time have the cleanest home in the street and the best meals on the table, to take our children to their various activities, make sure the garden is looked after. This is a description of Superwoman and neither of us is that.

My suggestion is to make a place for yourself where you feel comfortable. Perhaps in a sheltered spot in the garden, a corner of your lounge room, even your bedroom though that may not be the best. Have a comfortable chair, a book or sewing or knitting or anything you enjoy doing. Then arrange your timetable to have at least half an hour there everyday.

We can do it. After all we timetable running the children to places, picking them up from school, going shopping etc. Make a time for you. Tell your children this is your time to relax. They will get a more relaxed mom and also start to understand you are not wound up everyday, ready to run round after them. You have needs as well.

Bringing up children on your own is hard work. If we could go without sleep I'm certain we could find tasks 24/7. Life isn't about working it's about living. What a great example for your children to see that mom is entitled to her own time as well as them and you are looking after yourself.

I know it will take a little time to be comfortable doing this but persevere, you will enjoy that small space of time to yourself. I was going to say take an hour but that may be pushing it.

I don't know how you are financially placed, but can you get someone to do your housework, at least once a fortnight? I did this after I returned to work and it was such a relief. Once a fortnight my house was clean and tidy and that was an enormous help.

I don't know how old your children are, but they can learn to do jobs. When my children came home from school they changed into play clothes. Uniforms were supposed to be put into the linen basket for me to wash. If they weren't there I didn't go looking, just washed what there was. Inevitably there would be a cry of "I've got no clean uniform". I pointed out the rule and they would rush off and get their clothes to be put in the basket. Too late. Even if I washed immediately they would not be dry for school. They learned fast. Try giving your little ones some jobs.

Mary

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Guest_523 — Sat, 15 Jul 2017 22:51:41 GMT

Hi Daisy, I do a lot of the same things, I get lost in cinema, love movies and eating during (lol). I cannot stand a messy house but I am very overwhelmed most of the time with it. I exercise a lot, I really push myself. I just wanted to say hello and to keep on working at it. Even though I am new here and I have not posted a lot the last few days, just for me knowing that I have access to these forums feels good. The guilt thing. Hmm. I feel guilty for everything and I should not. But I do understand the heaviness about guilt. Just keep trying to change and drop that guilt feeling and do the best that you can. We are all human and have flaws, I have a lot lol. But just keep on keeping on it will get better. Kind regards Rob

Feeling Lost...

White_Rose — Sat, 15 Jul 2017 23:32:15 GMT

Hello Bob

Nice to meet you and welcome to the forum. I am so pleased you find these forums useful. I have noticed your posts elsewhere. It's great that you post and support others. Do you have a post of your own? If you feel you would like to 'talk' about the events and difficulties in your life please start a thread. Supporting people on their threads is great but not necessarily what you want to talk about. IF this is the case then start a thread of your own as you may not get many replies in another thread. Your posts may get lost amongst the other replies.

Mary

Feeling Lost...

highlysensitivepersonhsp — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 02:19:31 GMT

Hello Daisy129, so nice to meet you. My name is Sandra and I am new to the forum too, but not as new as you. So, welcome. I too have suffered with anxiety, especially social anxiety, so I think I understand the courage it took for you to sign up to the forum and speak about your problems. Well done!

I think I hear your problem as feeling lost when the children are with their dad and you are alone. It seems that when you have time on your hands, you can think of things to do, but that you can't get motivated. Anxiety will do that to you, it lowers your motivation. Then you feel guilty for not doing what you tell yourself needs to be done.

What a terrible bind you find yourself in. If only you could break the cycle and push yourself to act then you would feel good rather than more anxious about the situation. I have a mess in my dining room that I just make worse sometimes. When I have free time...which I have a lot of, I have no kids or partner, I am single...I just ignore the mess and avoid the problem by doing things I like better.

I guess the key would be to decide to do something about it and act straight away. Don't put it off any longer. To act in spite of my resistance. Then I would be happy with myself and feel better.

You deserve credit for taking the steps to join the forum. It is an indication that you can overcome your anxiety. Do not underestimate your ability to cope. Use that power to tackle your desires. You want to tidy up, you can do it. You have inner strength as well as inner drives. Follow your intuition and push yourself forward. Face your anxiety and tell it that it won't control your life.

I hope you find good support and guidance here at the forum. That has been what I am trying to do. Love to hear how you go. Stay in touch.

Sandra

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kanga_brumby — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 03:41:04 GMT

Daisy I still have difficulty living in chaos. But some times you have to. With my two they would leave there toys all through the house. I would start cleaning up moving the toys toward the wheelie bin. Saying they were being thrown out with the mess. The children would object of coarse no no no. I would stop talk to the eldest saying I had something to do. Walk off start loading the washing machine, taking my time about it. Giving them time to put the toys in the toy box. A rotten trick that worked they never rely worked out I was tricking them. Till they were older but by then the eldest knew to help clean house. Made it better for all of us. The youngest (boy) never rely got it. Even when because of him eating and leaving half eaten food all over the house. Brought on a mouse invasion, which I dealt with straight away. You learn to deal with the important things now, the rest can wait. But you still have to deal with them sooner or later.

Kanga

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Daisy129 — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 05:38:38 GMT

Wow, Thank you Mary, you have given some great tips and your words are very supportive and greatly appreciated.

I like the idea of creating my own space, I tend to go into my little girls room a lot because it is the nicest and most organised space but I can see that a more neutral space for me would be good.

I would love to get someone to help with the house stuff or in the garden but unfortunately not in a financial position to do that at the moment.

My son helps a little with chores which is great so I just need to keep training him, I like what you did with the uniforms 🙂

Thank you for responding

Feeling Lost...

Daisy129 — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 05:47:49 GMT

Hi Rob, Thank you, sometimes it's just nice to know there are others and that you're not the only one going through these things. I love movies because I am really interested in people and love watching them interact without the pressure of being part of it, it's a nice escape sometimes from the real world 🙂 Yes, guilt is a hard one, sorry to hear you have such a hard time but glad to hear that the forums here are helping you, these posts have really made me feel so much less alone already, and your words are appreciated 🙂

Feeling Lost...

Daisy129 — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 05:58:49 GMT

Thank you Sandra, it's hard to know in day to day life if anyone else is struggling, it seems from the outside that everyone else is coping really well, but I guess people might look at me and think that from what they see. I like that people are so honest and supportive on these forums, because there do seem to be quite a lot of people going through similar things and it's nice not to be alone. I was really worried about posting and thought maybe no one would respond but it has been very reassuring to have such supportive replies. Thank you for your encouragement, it is just a little push that's sometimes needed to tackle the first steps into a task that initially seems too big to get through. I feel much more supported.

Feeling Lost...

Daisy129 — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 06:11:26 GMT

Thanks again Kanga! I hear you about the toys, they are the hardest thing for me. I think the biggest problem is that there are just too many toys. I am terrible at getting rid of things because I am so emotionally attached to their things and when I am strong enough to get rid of some, they get upset and then I give in and keep things.

Honestly, our house looks like a messy childcare centre, the kids have pretty much taken over the whole house. There are toys in every room! At least I have learnt to be ok with just putting everything back into toy boxes mixed in together instead of trying to get all the pieces of things back into their original sets/containers...

Hopefully one day soon I will be able to let go of some stuff...

Thank you for your support 🙂

Feeling Lost...

CMF — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 06:28:37 GMT

Hi Daisy and welcome,

I know exactly how you feel! Do you mind if i ask how old your children are? When I first separated i was the same, looked forward to the break every 2nd weekend but then felt really lost and lonely. How long have you been separated for? It does take time to adjust. Do you have a hobby or anyone you can catch up with for a coffee or something? I know how hard it is to get motivated to go for a walk or get out but i can tell you from experience, once you start the motivation will start to kick in. That first step (excuse the pun) is the hardest.

There are also single parent groups you can join that do activities and outings with parents and kids and from there you can meet other single parents and possibly start to socialise when you don't have the kids. It's easier when you are with like minded people.

I hope some of these suggestions and those from others help. You will start to find your feet in your own time. In the meantime we are here if you need support.

Take care

cmf

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White_Rose — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 06:45:51 GMT

Hello Daisy

I know The Toy Story, it can be a nightmare at times. My children used to leave Lego pieces lying on the floor and I would tread on them with my bare feet. Words would be said and not just to the children.

Periodically my daughter announces to her children that they were going to have toy and clothes sort out. She goes into the bedroom with one of them and they go through their various toys. If something has not been used for a while they have a discussion about whether to keep it. Generally the children are prepared to give away those things they no longer play with. Sometimes they want to keep something because of memories and that's OK.

The result is far less clutter. It always makes me laugh when she does this because she was the messiest child in the family. Perhaps you can talk about giving away toys that are no longer used. My church has an op shop attached and I used to work there every fortnight. So my grandchildren used to call it grandma's shop and were happy for their cast off toys and outgrown clothes to go there for someone else to use. They felt better about giving away toys for someone else to use than simply putting them in the bin.

Same thing with clothes. They knew when they had outgrown their clothes so off they went to grandma's shop or one of their younger cousins who could wear it. It's easier to pass on loved things rather than see them in the dustbin because the child will understand the toy still has a future life.

Shame about the housework. That was one of the best presents I ever gave myself. I have never been keen on housework and do it because I can't stand the mess. Yes there is a whole lot of procrastination going on beforehand.

Why do you think you cannot let go of their toys? Can you try my daughter's process and see what happens? Your children may be OK giving up things to go to other children. If you do this, take them with you when you go to the op shop or wherever. They will see their things are well received and know someone else will be happy with them. I think it's never too early for children to learn that all little ones are not as fortunate as yours and rely on second hand toys.

Writing in here is good for everyone. As you said, knowing you are not alone is good. We tend to see the outside of others and believe they have a good life. So often this is not the case. We all wear masks when we go out. Please keep writing about the things that upset and worry you as well as your successes.

Mary

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Guest_523 — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 07:14:41 GMT

No worries. Thanks for your kind words.

Feeling Lost...

Guest_523 — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 07:16:46 GMT

Danke Mary, Thanks for your kind words and advice. I will start my own thread soon.

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Daisy129 — Sun, 16 Jul 2017 07:18:56 GMT

Hi CMF,

I have been separated for about 2 years, and it is easier than it was initially but I still miss my little ones terribly when I don't have them. I guess I had an expectation that I would be feeling better about things by now so it's a little scary not knowing if I will ever feel ok with my situation. My ex moved into a committed relationship with someone new quite quickly so that has been hard, but it has helped the kids to adjust much better and I am glad that they really like going there and are being well looked after. I always have plenty of opportunities to socialise but as I struggle with social anxiety, I try to avoid a lot of outings because they create so much stress for me.

I lost my job not long ago which was a good and bad thing. It was good for me to be engaged in work but the organisation I worked for was not very supportive of my situation and grew impatient with me having days off when my kids were sick. I was bullied during my time there and this did some real damage to my confidence.

I also suffer from regular migraines which I fear will prevent me from keeping a future job, as well as the issues with social anxiety which can make things like going to meetings and making phone calls very difficult for me.

Thank you for your support, I think exercise is a big one for me, it really does help me once I can push through, I think I just find it so much harder in winter to take that 'first step', especially when it is a 'grey' day, but I will keep trying:)