topic Resolving the Negative? in Anxiety

Resolving the Negative?

sagebrush — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 11:51:12 GMT

Hi all.

My question is this: People who have had horrible things happen to them in their lives, How do you actually get over it?

I know I am lucky to be alive. I know that I am better off than people in third world countries. I know I am fortunate to have a roof over my head.

I am greatful for all the basic things in my life. I am at a point where I am relatively stable with my anxiety/depression. But the past 30 years have just been one horrible situation after another, is there really light at the end of the tunnel?

I know my life is also dotted with awesome things, and happy things, but the negative of the past haunts so prominently, that it detracts from everyday life.

Its been 1 year since the absolutely most horrible thing that I thought that would never happen, happened, but situations just keep coming up that bring me down. I try to have hope for the future, but then something reminds me that there is no point having hope. Life has been a daily struggle for most of my life, why would this suddenly change? How can I make this change when the things that happen are out of my control?

Resolving the Negative?

BballJ — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 12:52:36 GMT

Hi sagebrush,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I hear what you are saying and I get it.. it seems things always have a way of piling up on us. I guess it depends on how you try to look at life.. I have learnt to try and find the positive in most things... Instead of seeing things that happen always as a negative, see how it may have helped you to grow, be a better person etc. Life is not easy, I'd imagine most of us understand this, but we need to try and make it as easy on ourselves as possible.. learn to control what we can control and let go of what we cannot control. I know it's hard because i struggle with it too.. My anxiety stems from constant worry about things i cannot control. I am learning every day how to deal with this. I try to be as positive as possible. There is a user on here (Mark I believe) who always talks about mindfullness, it is something I am very keen to learn how to do. Hopefully he comments and explain it abit more as I feel it may help you, in the position you are in.

Just remember, there is always hope for brighter days even though it doesn't seem like it.. but you said yourself there are parts of your life that are happy and awesome, those are the brighter days.. it may not seem like it as you said they seem to be dotted which makes them small but everything little thing adds up to a big thing to be happy about. Learning to let go of the past is another thing. You will keep tripping over when trying to go forward if you are always looking back at your past.

I know it all sounds cliche, but learning to look forward is a big thing to help you.

My best for you,

Jay

Resolving the Negative?

sagebrush — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 13:37:21 GMT

Thanks BballJ for your warm words.

I have taken a lot of positive from your post, so thank you.

Perhaps my problem stems from my expectation that things should be good. Why should I expect things to be this way when they are out of my control. Perhaps my own expectation that life should be balanced towards the good, rather than the negative, keeps me from actually living. Who said life was meant to be a positive experience?

Or perhaps my meds have kicked in.

Or perhaps the very fact of having hope for the future sets me up for failure when those "unexpected" situations do occur. I have never thought of this concept and it seems to calm me a lot. If I expect the worst, then I can be happy when nothing happens and happy when something bad does - as my expectation has come to fruition.

I appreciate your comment: "Learning to let go of the past is another thing. You will keep tripping
over when trying to go forward if you are always looking back at your
past. "

Any tips on how to let go of the past?

Cheers,

John

Resolving the Negative?

gld — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 21:35:23 GMT

Hi sagebrush,

Glad to read you are regaining some positives out of BballJ post.

As the negatives seem to snowball, Positives seem to multiply when we let them in and live in the now.

Ours mind is a strange place that could manipulate us or be controlled and trained by us.

Thought this quote might give you some food for your mind.

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today. ~Cherokee Indian Proverb

Have a great day!

Gen

Resolving the Negative?

BballJ — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 12:54:44 GMT

Hi John,

Thanks for replying.

Everyone want's their life to be happy and positive, no one wants things to go wrong, but how can we possibly grow and learn from things that do go wrong if everything is always perfect and happy. We as humans have this amazing thing about us where we can adapt to many situations, we use the negative and try to turn it into a positive some how, some way. For example... I lost my job... ok I can be down on myself for a little bit but then get back up, dust yourself off and find a new job and who knows that new job may be the job of your dreams and you just didn't know it. Problem is too many people stay down when they get knocked down. If only they stood up and looked at the negative directly and said "Ok, i accept this now... how can i grow from this, what can I do differently"

There is a part of what you said about always expecting the worst in every situation that holds some truth.. but if we go through life almost tip toeing, waiting for something to go wrong, imagine all the good stuff you miss out on.

I don't have a lot of tips on how to let go of the past, as it is very hard, you can't forget where you have come from because everything that happened has made you the person you are today, and I am sure many people love the person you are today. Letting go of the past and just keeping the past in the past is two different things as well. Accepting the fact that what happened in your past has happened and there is nothing you can do to change it, I think is that start, you can only focus on now, living in the moment and accepting the beauty that it is.

My best for you,

Jay

Resolving the Negative?

gld — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 21:30:46 GMT

Hi,

Thank goodness life has its ups and downs because if it didn't it could be very boring.

I feel when something goes wrong we learn from it [sometimes it takes a couple of goes].

So true when it was mentioned our past molds us and i do feel if we totally could not get rid of the past, so we could make a better now for ourselves. We would run on empty and be empty shells doing the same things that makes the negatives.

Gen

Resolving the Negative?

White_Rose — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 22:21:42 GMT

Hello John

Welcome to Beyond Blue. So glad you found us and have trusted us with your story. Depression and anxiety I think are the most common mental health challenges, and they certainly do challenge us. I have a theory, of sorts, that when you have physical illness, such as the 'flu, you feel like death warmed up for a short while and then you get back to your life. Unfortunately our immune systems are down for a while leaving us vulnerable to another infection/illness.

I think our mental illnesses are a bit like this. We go through a rough patch and come out the other side, but still a bit vulnerable. So while we are thinking "phew I'm glad that's over" another situation crops that in another time we could manage easily, but while we are still feeling groggy the new event takes more energy than we have to cope. And that's where we start to feel the world has a special hatred for us. 😊 It doesn't of course. So when we get downhearted we need to remember that it will not last but also to be aware that we need to keep working on our emotional exercises to keep fit. That way we are less likely to be swamped by the next wave.

And talking of waves, here is a favourite quote of mine. I can't stop the waves, but I can learn to surf.

It seems a bit heartless to think we have enough of the good life in Oz while other people in the world have nothing. But comparing yourself to someone else who is worse off than you does not help you to get well. We can help others as much as possible, but do not say to yourself, someone else has less than me so I should not complain. What about the folk who have more than you? And that goes equally for for the emotional haves and have nots. It's not mean or selfish. You are the person who makes the changes in your life, no one else. So concentrate on your life and health and don't give up because someone else has more problems.

You do not say if you are getting any professional help. Is there anything happening in that area? If not, I suggest you book a long appointment with your GP soon. Copy and print your post and show the GP as a starting point. People have all sorts of ideas about taking medication. If your GP suggests medication I hope you consider it seriously.

Keep writing in here. Now you are on my radar I can continue to chat.

Mary

Resolving the Negative?

sagebrush — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 13:33:46 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thanks for your kind words. I love they way that you described mental illness like the flu...

Where you said this describes me completely:

"We go through a rough patch and come out the other side, but still a bit vulnerable. So while we are thinking "phew I'm glad that's over" another situation crops that in another time we could manage easily, but while we are still feeling groggy the new event takes more energy than we have to cope. And that's where we start to feel the world has a special hatred for us."

Some horrible horrible things happened to me a couple of years ago, then another situation last year, more than I could deal with and I started having severe panic attacks, seizures, hallucinations, massive anxiety and depression. Now while my symptoms are no where near what they were, I just keep relapsing at the new situations that arise, stuff that I would usually just brush off. It takes me weeks to come down off the news of something bad happening. Suffering bad insomnia, nightmares every time I do sleep.

I feel like I am just broken, and there's no way that the pieces will ever be put back together again.

I have seen the GP, they've done all the tests and now on some meds, but they only take the edge off for a short while. Like a band-aid on a bullet wound. I had a referral to a councellor or something, but my mind refused to let me go to them, convinced that they would put me in the nut house.

Just trying to convince my mind and body to let go of the past. I just can't. The past has taught me to fear the future and the unknown. I feel like it took me years to calm down after the first situation, and then the second was "proof" my mind said... "see look, you were full of it, bad s*** will always happen to us, thats the last time I listen to you".

John

Resolving the Negative?

sagebrush — Mon, 28 Nov 2016 15:00:26 GMT

Hi.

After a few weeks of my anxiety being at its maximum. I have come to understand a little tid-bit of info I might share for those who are also suffering.

I have found an ounce of control over my mind and I am using that to tell my mind to shut up and get over it. That will probably put the lid on my anxiety until the next situation comes up. But in the mean time I will try some positive affirmations.

I have to really fight, like an inner battle in my mind/heart to wrestle control of my emotions back. So absolutely exhausted. Went from having insomnia, getting 3 hours or so of sleep a night. To now 16 hours. I sleep from about 8pm till 8/9am, then from 10am to 2pm. That's helping to settle the crazy a bit.

With this ounce of control, I am building the strength to combat the stress, anxiety and depression shove it down. Somewhere deep inside, something has a hold on me. And I REFUSE to let it win.

Lets see how I go.

Cheers

John.

Resolving the Negative?

gld — Mon, 28 Nov 2016 22:31:41 GMT

Hi Sagebrush,

Glad to see you are grabbing the bull by its horns and not letting is control your thoughts.

About June a friend suggested to me to check out a website Mindspot, they have a free online course to help with learning some training to train your thoughts. Found it helpful but i am still working on it so it becomes a natural everyday habit. It is run by health professionals and they support you through the course.

Don't let it win and keep up the good fight.

Gen

Resolving the Negative?

sagebrush — Sat, 03 Dec 2016 15:21:01 GMT

Hi Gen, thanks for the tip about the mindspot website, how much does it cost roughly?

After fighting my inner demons, I finally felt got some respite. And I just cried, and cried and cried, for nearly 2 hours. It wouldn't stop. Thank god no one was home, how embarrassing. I don't think I have cried in nearly 10 years.

I don't know if I feel any better, but my anxiety has calmed down a lot. I can function like a normal human being for the mean time, so long as I hide the tremors and shaking hands.

I had a moment of clarity as well, normally I fight the voices inside my head, I mean, they're just always freaking there and have to block them out most of the time. Well, I just decided to listen to them. What they said was pretty weird, but they gave me some direction to follow in life. So I will give it a go, no matter how afraid I am. There is only one direction from rock bottom, up right?

Cheers.

Resolving the Negative?

gld — Sat, 03 Dec 2016 21:42:44 GMT

Hi Sagebrush,

The beauty of the mindspot course is that it is all free, done online, you go at your own pace and support is there.

All the best if you choose to give it a go. It might or might not be for you but it gave me a helping hand on a few issue i was working through.

Nothing wrong with a good cry from time to time, I feel much better after a good cry. Although if it becomes overwhelming please share it with someone as there has been many a time i have, [ phoned a friend/family member, spoke to my doctor, rang a helpline or even given my dog a hug and spoke to them ].

Look after yourself and Hugs,

Gen

Resolving the Negative?

jojo01 — Sat, 03 Dec 2016 23:57:32 GMT

I started mind spot, but if you don't get on it weekly they end up stopping it on your behalf. I didn't really like it. I have been to different professionals, and I know I need to exercise etc I'm not always motivated. I find I have good and bad days, so I do what I can on good days. rest sleep cry on the bad ones. Uncontrolable crying is bad, I did that for a week non stop once. But a few hours is great!

The voices.... mmmm I over think a lot and that's hard to stop. But other disorders can be experienced as voices.

I do wonder if your having a joke about this?

Cheers

Resolving the Negative?

sagebrush — Sun, 04 Dec 2016 13:42:05 GMT

Thanks Gen, I will definitely have a look into it.

Yes voices, I suffer from auditory and visual hallucinations, although the visual ones have almost completely stopped since starting medication. I hear usually hear people saying my name, speaking (often inaudible), when there is no one who spoke or no one around. When it first started as a result of what happened to me a couple of years back, it is very frightening indeed. Especially at the start because they were extremely vivid. I have to listen to music in order to calm them down, drown out whats not suppose to be there.

I do joke about it actually, I try to find the humor in it in order to cope and deal with the symptoms. I will say to my kids, "oh, god is telling me what you guys been up to, we're really quite disappointed in what you did..". I usually try to fight the hallucinations as much as I can, pretend they are not there, it is completely exhausting. So instead of fighting them, I have turned to fighting my inner pain, which has given me the strength to take a step forward these past few weeks. And since I have just accepted it, as a part of who I am, they seemed to have stopped completely. It could also be linked to the reduction in anxiety and depression.

Mental illness is a roller-coaster, with its up's and its down's. Everyone's roller-coaster experience is unique to them. Good luck with yours, Jojo.

Resolving the Negative?

gld — Sun, 04 Dec 2016 21:36:31 GMT

Hi jojo01,

As sagebrush has mentioned we are all unique and one thing that works for someone does not always work for another. If one thing does not work there could be another thing that works for you, i feel it is important for me to try a number of different things, so i keep moving towards a recovery that suits my own needs.

Jojo01 please be kind to yourself as i think it is humanly impossible to stay motivated 24/7, if everyone did i think i will have to move way, way out into the sticks to get some peace and relaxation. Sometimes motivation goes on a holiday and when it sees we are moving towards happier and healthier things it come back to get a piece of the action.

I feel you are moving in the right direction going to different professionals as it sometimes takes a while to find someone we gel with to make our journey easier. I also feel by going to different professionals has given me a wider scope of knowledge to work with to smooth my ride on a bumpy road.

Coming to this forum has helped me move forward and is a great place to express my feelings in an environment where others are experiencing similar things without judgement.

Take care jojo01 holding onto some hope for you,

Gen

Resolving the Negative?

sagebrush — Mon, 05 Dec 2016 13:04:50 GMT

Well it seems not everyone in my family is happy that I am making progress and beginning to stand up for myself.

What are you suppose to do....

Resolving the Negative?

FrankA — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 02:54:48 GMT

Hi sagebrush, please accept my acknowledgement of your feelings. I understand what it feels like to keep getting knocked down and each time you feel like you are just getting up, you knocked down again. Never stop trying to get up!

I have a little story that I have read that I would like to share. I apologise if you have heard it before but I hope it offers you some thinking:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

“One is Evil – It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

“The other is Good – It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

”The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?

"The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

I hope you get something from the story. It is very very hard not to feed the negative. For myself, it is my automatic response due to years of conditioning. However, with practice (mindfulness, CBT etc) and time, I am able to recognise my negative thinking and adjust it. I also know that life is not rainbows and lolly pops, so I try to make my positive thought achievable.

My thoughts are with you on your journey sagebrush. Franka.

Resolving the Negative?

jojo01 — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 09:27:26 GMT

Can't please everyone sagebrush 🙂 🙂 🙂

Resolving the Negative?

sagebrush — Sat, 17 Dec 2016 15:17:56 GMT

In response to my past self:

Resolving the negative? Begins by accepting that the negative will always come. There wont be a point in your life where you will feel happy. You know that if you do, something will tear you down. The happier you become, the harder you will fall.

The realisation came, when I was finally doing really well, and my family was more than happy to stand up and tear me down. Something just clicked, and my anxiety/depression just turned off. When my loving family was tearing into me, telling me I was a piece of sh**, I just realised. There is no point.

I am completely off my meds now, and have been thinking clearer than I have in years.

My anxiety is gone for now. What changed? Accepting that life will always be sh*t. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I bother. Nothing matters, so why stress about it. We all end up dead in the end.

Nothing matters. So I wont bother any more. What control have I actually had over my years on this planet? Absolutely NONE. So why the hell should I stress about it? Time to get the f*** over it!

Time to plod along until I die, nothing I do matters anyway. The end.

Cheers, John.

Resolving the Negative?

gld — Sat, 17 Dec 2016 22:13:34 GMT

Hi Sagebrush,

You are correct when you say why stress about something we have no control over it. On the other hand I feel your statement, " Nothing matters, so why stress about it", could be changed slightly into, things happen that are out of our control so i am going to choose not to stress about it.

We are here on earth for a short time and i feel we need to create our own path to feel for filled. When they say live in the now is starting to ring true in my ears. What happened yesterday can not be change, I can not predict the future, today i could create a time to be in.

Yes ours lives do travel over peaks, plains and gullies and it is important to keep our engines in working order.

Control to me is something that holds me back in moving forward as it makes me feel upset when it does not have the results i desire. Taking ownership for things is having better outcomes for me and questioning the negatives, here is an one example that happens to me: Something happens that puts me off and i have an unhelpful thought [it happened because they love to put me down] now i put questions to myself, "Is the way i am thinking about this the only way to think about it?" "Am i over estimating how bad things will be! Or, how likely a bad outcome is?" "Am i underestimating my ability to cope? Or, how much help I can get?"

We all need support from time to time and Beyondblue are contactable 24/7 on call 1300224636 and posting on the online chat helps me greatly to mull over things, off load and see how others feel about similar issues.

Be kind to yourself and change is not achieved overnight.

Gen