topic Why me????? I hate OCD!!! in Anxiety

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

keeping_positive — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 02:08:21 GMT

I have contamination OCD.... I just feel like the last 5 months have been one big blur. I am constantly stressed, I honestly cant think of a time Im not stressed, even asleep its taking over. Today was a bad day, coming out from school drop off and there was wet, fresh blood on the path I dont know if I walked in it but in my mind I have somehow because others may have therefore its everywhere including on my shoes. I was supposed to be going to my first yoga type class but I just couldnt as the fear of it being on me I just needed to go home and shower and clean everything. Whats worse though is I couldnt clean it I just couldnt go near it so my partner had to, which he does but truly HATES doing it. He believes I should and I get that but I was already in a state of panic I just couldnt face it. What is the "normal"way to handle this??? I just feel like Ive lost all sense of reality and what is a "normal"way to react. I mean it was blood, near a school, near my children!!! I try and think what I wouldve done prior to OCD being so in my face but I dont know because I probably wouldnt have seen it and if I did just walked around it. How do I stop this, Im exhausted, my marriage is falling apart Im just leeting everyone down, including myself.

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

ci — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 03:07:38 GMT

Hi keeping positive

I had to reply to your post I don't have the magical answer but I can offer support and understanding.

Reading your post it's like reading one of my own.

I suffer with ocd and a lot of it is contamination oriented. It's the hardest thing I've had to go through in my life and my life hasn't run smoothly. I could feel your pain and frustration reading your post.

Are you seeing gp or phycologist about your ocd? Do you have support around you?

I'm also a mum I've got 3 kids it's so hard to manage. Also married and yes it puts a huge strain on that as well. You are certainly not alone.

I have just finished doing a group exposure therapy program it helped but needs to be on going. Have you tried anything like that?

I find and am trying to learn that it's OK to have bad days don't push yourself take some pressure off yourself.

It's so hard to be a mum and having ocd makes it so much harder in my eyes the fact that you got your kids to school is a win focus on that.

Is your ocd new or something you've always had?

Happy to chat if you want someone to vent to who completely understand what you are dealing with.

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

Zeal — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 03:46:07 GMT

Hi Keeping Positive,

OCD is very complex and frustrating. I was diagnosed with OCD at 13, and it's been part of my life for a decade now. My OCD obsessions are also centred on contamination. My problem behaviours include excessive hand washing, keeping distance from sick people, asking for reassurance that people aren't sick and that things are clean, and not ordering certain foods at restaurants I'm unsure about. ci has posed some good questions regarding what help you have sought in the past.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is the most popular and widely effective therapy. Schema Therapy (delivered by psychologists) is gaining traction too. Some people need medication to correct brain chemical imbalances. I take an SSRI, which helps with my serotonin imbalance. I was prescribed this by my doctor, and have taken it for several years now. Medication isn't necessary for everyone though. Definitely go to your GP about the OCD. Getting a mental health care plan is a good idea.

Here are some links to previous posts on the forum related to OCD. You can check these out in your own time if you like:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/anxiety/struggling-with-worry-fear-and-negative-thoughts

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/young-people/primarily-obsessional-ocd

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/anxiety/ocd-2AB963CF7C04

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/anxiety/ocd-my-story

It'd be great to hear back from you!

Best wishes,

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

keeping_positive — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 03:48:12 GMT

Hi , thankyou. Its nice just knowing Im not alone in this. My family dont really understand, they seem to think its a choice.. My dad has a little understanding as he suffers from panic attacks but because his is about signing its when its happening but because mine is more the after panic, constant thoughts and what ifs its not really the same for him. I was seeing a phycologist but Im not sure was ready for the exposure therapy. My biggest fear is blood and I was worried he would expose me to that, and I just didnt feel like I could talk to him. I know I should give it time but I wasnt ready. What is the group therapy about? Im just afraid of it all.. Ive always had OC traits but not OCD, I never experienced the panic and anxiety from it and never needed to do any compulsions, I was more an over thinker, still am, but since having the kids it has progressively worsened. I find it changes from fear of something happening to them or me, then it was about poisons and although these were all hard this is the worst Ive been. Im so afraid to go anyway incase there is blood or a needle or something that could pass on a disease. Whats worse it keeps actually happening, Im constantly faced with it, over the past 7 or so months I have had so many "encounters" with blood, from walking on it twice, sitting in it twice. I am absolutely exhausted, I feel like Im slowly and painfully losing this battle. I want to accept it and I try but the support I get well its not really support, its always you never used be like this, why do you worry, it wont hurt you... Im not on any meds at the moment Im trying to go at it naturally, I just feel like Im not winning with it at all.. I think with what happened today what would others do who dont have OCD, was I irrational??? Constant battle within myself. Sorry its a bit allover the place, just trying to get it all out..

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

Zeal — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 04:20:27 GMT

Hi again Keeping Positive,

I can relate to having a specific fear. Mine is vomit, and has been a phobia since childhood (before my OCD developed).

When you say you've always had OCD traits but not OCD, do you mean you haven't been diagnosed with OCD by your doctor? Regardless, it is important that you get the help you deserve. I tried CBT (exposing myself gradually to feared situations), but I wasn't fully invested in the program and kept avoiding the tasks set for me by the psychologist. I went to a new psychologist a few months ago (the first time seeing a psych in several years), and she introduced me to Schema Therapy. I've only had several appointments with her. I explained to her my inability to be fully invested in CBT, and she understood. She said that CBT, while the most widely used and effective treatment for OCD generally, wasn't going to work for everyone.

Like your intense fear of being faced by blood during exposure therapy, I can't imagine how I would handle being exposed to vomit. Thinking about it is pretty terrifying. As a pre-teen, I actually had a fear of needles. I remember stepping on something sharp in the sandhills of a beach, and being fearful when I couldn't find the sharp object. I had an intense fear that it might have been a contaminated needle. I searched the beach for longer than I should have, and eventually Mum took me to the doctor. My GP checked my foot, showed me how big a needle was, and explained that it would have been obvious if I stepped on one. This helped somewhat, being reassured by a doctor.

It sounds as though your husband is struggling to understand the OCD. You two could sit down together and look through some of the resources on anxiety and OCD on this site. These resources can be found under the menu tab The facts.

Best wishes,

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

keeping_positive — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 04:57:04 GMT

Hi SM,

Thank you. I must have been replying/writing when your first post came through.

Ive always been an overthinker but I never had anxiety or the need to follow through with rituuals, complulsions etc until the last 6 or so years. Mine are hand washing, washing of clothes, constantly watching where Im walking, showering and overcleaning items that I feel might have been exposed to whatever it is Im fearing.

I have/had a mental health plan with my gp and was seeing physc but I honestly wasnt in it, I just didnt feel comfortable with him. I would like to try again, I know I need to. I have been trying to naturally help correct balances by cutting back on coffee, taking certain supplements, rechanging my diet (although I already eat a reasonably good diet) but this has only started the past couple of weeks so I know too soon to see any kind of change. I have also been having kineisiology which I do think is helpful but still once again only early days, Ive had three sessions. Hypnotherapy has been suggested to help retrain my brain to stop always assuming the negatives in a situation. Just from writing all this down and I had a big chat with my husband Im feeling better. I may crash and burn again tomorrow when I need to do school drop off again, if the blood is still there, I will try to be positive and will keep telling myself its just blood not all blood has diseases.. 🙂 Thank you for the support its nice to talk to people who just get it.

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

ci — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 06:00:15 GMT

Hi again keeping positive the group therapy was 7 of us doing treatment together the exposure therapy was hard and I had a huge issue personally so missed a few groups so didn't do as much exposure as should of but it wasn't about tackling things that are unbelievably hard like blood more manageable small things and people found it helped with other areas think it helped but it's about finding the right therapy t.at suits you. I found it so helpful to meet others and not feel so alone.

Your story sounds so similar to mine I was the same had traits and over thought things. After my second child noticed a change then a number of life stresses I changed with each until I found myself in this mess hard to leave the house and fearful.

My husband found it hard but we looked at things online together best thing to help him was reading other people's stories not from this site ones published on ocd sites think it showed him it is a real illness and I can't just stop.

He still gets bit frustrated but that's natural.

I'm to not on meds worried about taking them I found an improvement cutting out sugar and caffeine.

We can beat this I'm determined to try

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

keeping_positive — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 06:36:10 GMT

Hi again, yes our stories are very similar, its not nice that you are too going through this as I understand the pain and hurt it causes but it is comforting to know Im not alone.. I find its not easy to talk to others about it as even though its not on purpose judgement and labelling seems to come with it if I do.. I know not with intent or in a mean way but still the uneasiness you feel as they are not sure what to say or do around you at times. yes medication just doesnt feel right for me Im worried how I will react to it around my little ones and for myself to of course. I have reduced my caffine and already are quite low in sugar but swayed a bit lately, ha ha, from lots of reaserching i found what seems to be quite a doable supplement/dietary plan so Im going to give that a go... Im taking swisse ultivite at the moment but it has folic in it which I have read on a number of articles it can contribute to OCD tendancies but it has a few others that help with nrevous tension, stress and anxiety. Im looking at balancing my GABA vs glutamate so hoping will see something positive come from this.. Yes we can beat this Im giving it a go too.. We Got This!!!

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

ci — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 08:02:48 GMT

Hi keeping positive

Reading through your reply to sm the way you ocd effects you is amazing similar to mine. My husband was watching me walk through the car park said I didn't take my eyes off the ground thought it was amazing to see not once did I look up.

It's a horrible way to live and I'm so sorry you are going through it. Please try another therapist you might find one you like. I'm so interested in how you finding kineisiology been thinking of trying that. My husband wants me to try hypnosis I'm bit nervous to try. Glad you are feeling better hope tomorrow is a better day for you

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

keeping_positive — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 04:38:32 GMT

Hi ci,

Well I have only been to three sessions of kineisiology and although it helps relax and calm me I havent yet felt its really helping with overcoming or finding the cause of my ocd and anxiety. I havent really given it enough time yet so I cant actually say whether it helps or not. I am currently on a waiting list to see an intergrated doctor to hopefully find the cause of my anxiety and ocd and then treat it naturally and nutritionally.. Ive tried to myself but self supplementing can cause more harm than good if Im supplelmenting incorrectly so Im hoping after seeing them I will have a better understanding and they will be able to give me a specific treatment plan.. I can only hope as today is very much a bad day..

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

ci — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 06:03:24 GMT

Thanks keeping positive

I'm sorry today is a bad day. Ocd gp cruel for me today is one of those days things keep triggering me I feel like I'm getting past one thing and another happens. Feels like someone playing a cruel joke.

I to am waiting to see a doc that treats naturally my app in 2 weeks I'm holding out all hope that it works sounds like you doing the same.

I hope things get better today for you

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

keeping_positive — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 09:27:44 GMT

Hi,

Im doing the same hoping so much that this will be the answer to help me past this, and yep its like a vicious cycle something small can trigger it then it just keeps going.. 😞 Today I went to buy some cream but there was something red on it so of course to me its blood and its contaminated with hiv and because I touched it and I was out I had to drive home before I could wash my hands so now everything is contaminated with it.. Exhausting!!! I have spent what should have been a relaxing child free day completely stressed and on the computer looking up all kinds of scenarios.. I hope things go well for you with your drs appointment... Let me know how you find it.

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

ci — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 12:44:48 GMT

If it helps just know you not alone I do that all the time. Yesterday went with my kids to play center red stain on the floor I freaked out cause my daughter was near it and not sure if she touched it. Everyone home to wash!

My husband pointed out all the other coloured stains but red freaks me out what if it's blood.

It's hard to live like this but I'm determined as you sound to find a way to get better. I'm sorry you had such a horrible day especially when it was a child free one that's not how a day with out kids should be😣. You deserve a break on those days.

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

keeping_positive — Fri, 19 Aug 2016 10:39:37 GMT

Hi ci,

Yes it does make me feel better knowing Im not alone.. Everyone else I either hide it from or those who do know just dont get it... I was supposed to head out for a girls night tonight but I bailed just couldnt face it, I was stressing all the what ifs which I never used to do but these past 6 months it increasingly has got worse. I avoid shops, playgrounds, everything really that I dont HAVE to actually do, especially with the kids but now even on my own, I feel like its very quickly getting worse and consuming me.. I have to believe it will not win though... I have got a drs app this week (normal gp) and Im completely freaked out and trying to come up with every reason not to go... But a positive I have an appointment with the nutrtional therapist/gp in two weeks... Have you had your appointment yet? If so how did you go?

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

ci — Fri, 19 Aug 2016 23:53:07 GMT

My app is next week I'll let you know how it goes.

My ocd did the same it progressed and consumed me so fast before I knew it I had isolated myself from all my friends and was finding it hard to leave the house. It's a struggle but I try and push myself everyday to make sure I leave the house and go to shops do the things I need to do if few days of not going near shop goes past it so much harder to go when I have to. It's hard to find that balance though cause some days I just need to give myself a rest and stay home where it's safe if that makes sense. Good luck with your app

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

ci — Thu, 25 Aug 2016 01:25:58 GMT

Hi keeping positive

Had my app today getting bloods done and back to see doc in 5 weeks. So far I'm impressed and I've got some hope for first time in ages. She told me to look up bio balance australia. I haven't done it yet.

Hope your app goes well for you.

How have you been?

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

ci — Thu, 25 Aug 2016 01:27:24 GMT

Hi keeping positive Had my app today getting bloods done and back to see doc in 5 weeks. So far I'm impressed and I've got some hope for first time in ages. She told me to look up bio balance australia. I haven't done it yet. Hope your app goes well for you.How have you been

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

keeping_positive — Fri, 26 Aug 2016 08:16:18 GMT

Hi ci that is excellent news. So glad you are feeling positive about it. Have they said or suggested other tests they may look at after the blood results. I follow the bio balance aus page on facebook. Its where I was able to find the dr Im going to who practices in natural/nutritional medicines. Another one to google is mensah medical their website is great and their you tube videos are very helpful and informative. I have my appointment next week. I did have a norm gp app this week which i was extremely proud that I went. Again so good to hear how positive you are feeling.

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

keeping_positive — Fri, 26 Aug 2016 08:19:57 GMT

I so read that as have you been not how have you been. Ive been better I took your advice and have made myself stop in at places everyday this week. Not with the kids besides school and after school sports but still proud that im there and I didnt find myself looking at the ground the ENTIRE time. Obviously far from better but im feeling ok. Thank you.

Why me????? I hate OCD!!!

ci — Sun, 28 Aug 2016 22:32:27 GMT

I'm so glad you are doing better and it is helping you to go out everyday it has helped me too.

Dealing with ocd is unbelievably hard and being a mum with ocd makes things even harder. You are so strong don't forget that.

Bad day for me yesterday but fingers crossed a better one today. Got my middle one home sick always effects my ocd when they sick.