topic Am I the only one? in Anxiety

Am I the only one?

Just Sara — Fri, 09 Sep 2016 11:17:41 GMT

Tonight I'm feeling the pangs of anxiety and am using BB as a means of staying connected. Writing feels good and is helping to curb loneliness.

This section on sexuality and gender doesn't seem to be visited by lesbian. Although I've received so much beautiful support from men on this site, having another woman to talk with (who can relate) would be nice. As it's early days for me living as my true self, talking about this subject feels new and a little foreign. Once I got real and didn't have to face the anxiety from not feeling normal, the calm has been spoilt a little due to feeling isolated from similar souls.

It's not just banter I'd like, but to learn...it's hard to say this at my age. I read posts from gay men dealing with coming out and leaving marriages etc, and this does help. But only in a generic way if I can say that. I don't actually know why women don't post here as much, I suppose this being a mental health space has something to do with it...not sure.

Feeling isolated isn't nice at all. I thought a connection might happen with someone earlier on, but that turned out to be a near miss. I don't have any expectations and whether this is a good thing or not I'm unsure.

I would appreciate some dialog if someone is willing to engage.

Dizzy

Am I the only one?

Kazzl — Fri, 09 Sep 2016 11:41:03 GMT

Hiya Dizzy. I don't like you being lonely, so thought I pop in. I'm a good listener (reader) hun if you want to talk.

I wonder why we don't have more gay women here ... it raises interesting questions about whether the experience of coming out is different for men and women. What do you think?

Kaz

Am I the only one?

Kazzl — Fri, 09 Sep 2016 21:31:54 GMT

Morning Dizzy, just wondering how you are. Hope the anxiety has eased hun.

Kaz

Am I the only one?

Cornstarch — Fri, 09 Sep 2016 22:23:09 GMT

Corny is a lesbian Dizzy.

I didn't come out later in life but I wish I knew of more contacts/resources that I could send your way to help with the feelings of isolation. They are completely normal and it can be very lonely.

You will have people say the most hilarious things like "oh so and so is a lesbian, you'd really like her". As if we are all just this mono-personality with no variation and personal tastes and desires. Just because someone is a lesbian please please please don't assume that they are a nice person!

Be discerning, keep your wits about you, but still get out there and have fun and take emotional risks. Life is too short and it sounds that the worst has already happened to you, so if you do get burnt a few times and have to learn really tough lessons I'm certain you will bounce back. It is no easier than straight people to find lovely humans to be in a relationship with, especially if you're not willing to settle for a mediocre luke warm relationship that ticks all the boxes like a business contract and yet lacks true connection.

Lesbians are notoriously clicky and can be very intense with one another too. Boundaries, keeping some independence, maintenance of ones own self interests in conjunction with their partner, whats that?! Don't we just meld into one and the same and all become co-dependent. You sound like someone with a very strong sense of self and I'd hate to see your beautiful self smothered.

You need someone where you can remain true to your self alongside them and not completely intertwined, but very much a committed couple as well if you get what I mean. There are absolutely beautiful lesbian couples out there that have the balance right. That have come from horror childhoods that require them to honour their past while moving into the future together.

The gay "scene" has changed so much over the years that you aren't restricted to meeting people only in gay bars, theres lots of other avenues to get to know people depending on where you live but there is the internet too!

Am I the only one?

Cornstarch — Fri, 09 Sep 2016 23:26:22 GMT

Also Dizzy for sexual assault survivors violation is obviously one of the core wounds we carry. But when you are violently violated and intrinsically homosexual as well, this can bring up another layer of grief and sadness that heterosexual people don’t feel. Obviously they have very complex emotions as well but there are differences between us.

It certainly did for me. Violation of intrinsic self is just another damning insult isn’t it.

Talk about true defeat.

Powerful feelings of hurt can come up for people and emotions that they didn’t know they had, so feel free to talk about any of that too. Maybe they won’t and you’ve done all of that work already and it is not necessary to re-hash.

I hope so.

But for some women and men they can slip into a bit of depression when they have the soul destroying realisation that past hetero-sexual encounters, and even entire marriages were nothing more than “robotic acts of sexual compliance”. A re-living of what was “expected of them”, remaining contained in trauma for years.

The fright/flight/freeze/appease was never loosened enough in their nervous systems to allow for expression of their true nature.

This can bring about deep sadness but is extremely common.

It’s just that not many people talk about it.

Am I the only one?

Just Sara — Sat, 10 Sep 2016 04:19:46 GMT

Hello Kaz;

I want to start by saying I often read your posts with envy. I don't respond much because you're so in tune and give the most common sense rational replies; and might I also say they're brave! There's usually nothing left for me to add. So in saying this, I'm actually a little humbled you've chosen to ask how I'm going. (Hun..nice!)

I'll respond to CS later as her posts are specific.

There are many reasons at present why anxiety has risen. My son has left the nest and is moving into his own place (for the first time) with his girlfriend. This is of course a happy time, though letting go of responsibilities from single parenthood is trying. My ex husband left me during pregnancy and I found my 2 yr old little boy being sexually abused by a friend. 24 yrs later and putting away the cotton wool I've wrapped him in has come up for review.

I suppose this thread came about due to being yet again alone to face 'life'. Although this site gives so much in terms of support, nothing can compare to a kiss and hug from someone who shares the load. It took me 12 yrs to find the courage to face another relationship. My norm then was to find a man to keep my son safe and me supported, but fear of having an unknown quantity (man) around my child was emotionally paradoxal.

We here on BB often discuss the difference between feeling lonely and being alone. My new found sense of self although a relief, has me redefining goals, boundaries and trust. In my mind, memories of past parenting vs self promotion now, is bringing some feelings of grief and loss; my role in life so to speak.

I'm doing ok, as we know each day is a gift. And; each day brings up's and down's. So my approach is to take it as it comes and reach out for help when I need it.

Again...I'm so grateful for your concern Kaz.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy xo

Am I the only one?

Just Sara — Sat, 10 Sep 2016 05:17:01 GMT

Dear Cornstarch;

What a breath of fresh air! Thankyou for telling me you're a lesbian. Reading your posts at first was emotional, but as I continued a smile came to my face. Knowing there's someone here who 'gets' me is wonderful! Having women like Kaz and yourself show concern is lovely. Thankyou both.

Your 1st post talked about same sex relationships being no different to heterosexual one's apart from relating in some ways. I've known some wonderful lesbian couples over the yrs and watched on in envy. I've been hit on a few times too but failed to act for fear of the 'what if's'. (Mainly; what if I like it?) I thought my attraction to women was a fault in my personality. (My secret shame) I suppose at some stage I may be faced with this invisible issue, but for now it's feeling 'green' that's got my confidence low.

Intrinsically, I'm first attracted by character and personality. Safety/protection is a major issue for survivors, so engaging with a woman physically is basically foreign ground. God that sounds ignorant! I've been physically attracted to women first, but I've forced myself to put a buffer up.

Oh my goodness, this is hard...so many questions. The more I write, the more stupid I feel. I didn't realise this was so deep for me. To be honest, I'm in tears. It's no wonder I haven't been able to get out and socialise as a lesbian. I don't even know what that means! You're right Corny...being both a survivor of sexual assault and lesbian has me spinning.

I might leave it here for now. So many questions...so much damn time.

Dizzy xo

Am I the only one?

Cornstarch — Sat, 10 Sep 2016 06:01:44 GMT

I am so happy and relieved to read how in-sync you are to what’s right for you. You really know yourself despite being overwhelmed. I would be concerned if you didn’t.

The worst possible thing would be for you to succumb to pressure of any sort. Anyone that pressures you to post, disclose, act, respond or behave in a manner or at a time that is not right for you – simply get rid of them. Cut the cord. Bugger off. You don’t owe anyone anything.

I wish I could say that all lesbians are wonderful, amazing, thoughtful, un-selfish, considerate people and all of the muck of society only affects our straight cousins. Alas no. We are just people. And the worst of the world has happened to individuals not matter what their sexual orientation. This has ripple effects into adulthood.

Gay guys can give you just as sincere and apt advice as a lesbian can. They can tell you how it is with the knowledge of being a rainbow blood, but without the female drama. Women can be very intense. It’s really lovely
to have a guys opinion and quite frankly some days I’d rather hang with them. Lesbians are just as catty, competitive and bitchy as straight women. Don’t be fooled into believing that the worst of humanity has bi-passed the gay world. You’re too intelligent to fall for that.

But by the same token don’t let fear over take you, and don't approach all women as if they're out to get you. The vast majority of people mean well. There are Ahhhhhh-mazing lesbian women out there. SINCERE and AUTHENTIC women just as perplexed and over-awed by life as you, but not wanting to hurt anyone. The good thing is that you have a strong internal compass and red flags will go off in your nervous system if a women is saying/behaving in a way that strikes an alarm to stay away. And as I said previously if your judgment slips........you will survive.

We fall for people. We can't control who we like. Some people are just yummy. Yum yum yummy. You're only human.

It cannot be any worse than what you've already experienced, and mistakes in intimacy are a mere blip compared to what you've survived. A mere blip I say.

Am I the only one?

Kazzl — Sat, 10 Sep 2016 23:32:45 GMT

Good morning Dizzy and Corny

Firstly, Corny what a fantastic post. And what a wise and wonderful woman you are! I don't think we've crossed paths on the forum before so may I say what a great pleasure it is to meet you.

Lovely Dizzy - thank you for your humbling response! Wow! It's a massive compliment to be called 'in tune' - my bipolar brain often plays different tunes to most people, which is a constant source of annoyance (not that I want to think like other people, I just can't understand why they don't think like me! 😄)

I understand your mixed emotions about your son leaving home. We raise them to be independent and self-sufficient, then they go and be it! I went through similar with my daughters. It's both the wrench of letting go and the fear of freedom for ourselves. A time when we're able to find and follow our own paths, which is exciting, but also the time to face ourselves, alone, as individuals, not defined by motherhood or being a provider and protector. Where did all those years go and how did I lose my sense of self along the way?

I can't say I handled it well. And to a certain extent I, and my then husband, actually drove them away. (We were drowing ourselves in booze at the time.) What I can say though is they never really leave you. If you have a good relationship with your son, he will always come back to you. It's not the end of a role for you, just a change in its nature.

I also understand the fear of change, but sometimes life delivers us change of wonderful kind, when we are least expecting it. I found new love at 49, with someone on the other side of the world. I had never imagined I would ever experience romance and passion again. It came right out of the blue so to speak, and hit me like a tonne of magical sparkly bricks. (He's now my husband). So hun, I guess what I'm saying is just be you, your beautiful self, live life on your terms, don't look or try too hard ... and magic can happen.

You are such a kind, compassionate and highly intelligent woman Dizzy - I know that from reading your posts. And you have offered excellent support and wise counsel to others. You have so much to offer the world and to whomever the fortunate lady is who comes along in the future and loves you. And she will.

Hugs to you hun

Kaz

Am I the only one?

Just Sara — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 00:31:15 GMT

Morning Corny;

I appreciate you sticking with me on this thread. Your words come from a place of experience and knowing life as a lesbian. That's a plus for me...thankyou.

I guess the thing for me, is knowing myself more than others. I've spent my life (56 yrs) assessing and watching people to find a sense of safety and 'fit'. However in doing so, I lost myself. This period of my life is about self insight and how 'I' relate to me as well as those you mention.

I don't want you to worry about me coping with the variety of people out there. For 2 yrs I've withdrawn from society to re-evaluate what I want and what I need to do to achieve my goals. First was overcoming my breakdown, and then coming out was a massive achievement which lowered the anxiety levels exponentially.

What this thread has made me realise, is that my issues run deeper than my choice of partner. Especially since my past was all about 'who chose me'. "Am I enough?" was my mantra. Now I 'get' that question has to be; "Are they good enough for me?"

So in saying this, I think the main issue is 'transition'. In my response to Kaz, I talked about protecting my son and the 'role' I had as a heterosexual single parent. That included seeing men as a means of protecting both of us. Changing my mindset from this to gender/sexual independence, is in itself a journey; a step by step process of transitioning from my role, to self discovery and asserting my truth in life.

The 'green' feeling I mentioned conjures up teen yrs of virginity and peers. The first time for everything has its pressures. The one and only time I slept with a woman, I instigated and was let down by her lack of emotional connection, and then trying to force me into a 3'some with her friend. She was straight and I loved her deeply. Another girl I loved berated me when I tried to initiate sexual contact; she was straight too. So connecting with a lesbian is new...really new. Rejection on any level is cruel and it's probably this aspect I fear most.

This post has bought up further subjects floating around my mind. Body image is one and sex is another. Something for another time.

Grateful and warm thoughts...Dizzy xo

Am I the only one?

Cornstarch — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 01:22:07 GMT

Oh gosh Dizzy I’m tearing up. You may not be feeling this today, and this may only be how you have felt in the past, but what really came through to me in this post is sadness.

There’s been a lot of sadness hasn’t there Dizzy.

Sex, sexuality, intimacy, connection, feeling safe and seen in the eyes of another was hijacked by a monster. I completely understand. If you’re like me and you also had a female complicit bystander, or someone that
your immature, undeveloped self perceived them as one, a cascade of trauma can be set off and it can take years to work through.

It sounds like you have already done years and years and years of work so to speak, but it is not outside the realm of possibility that new feelings and emotions won’t arise. As I said in my previous post it can bring to
the surface stuff that you didn’t know you felt.

I don’t want to say all the platitudes that people parrot off simply to allay your fears because they are afraid of strong emotion and want the conversation to be sunny so they are comfortable ie: Yes, you are correct. Someone may hurt you.

I wish that possibility didn’t exist but that wouldn’t be a world full of humans would it. There are so many users and takers in the world especially with money and all things related to finances in general.

There are just no easy answers, it’s really hard meeting people.

Am I the only one?

Just Sara — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 02:34:13 GMT

Corny; I just wanted to concur with Kaz about your amazing post and the way you articulate. I'm sorry I didn't mention this in my earlier post, but being self focused can become like being in a bubble sometimes. It'd be nice to hear about you if that's ok. On BB we learn from anecdotes as well as advice.

Wow Kaz! Your post hasn't disappointed as expected. Passion, romance and sparkly bricks from abroad? Oh how lovely for you! And might I say for your man also...he got a great deal.

Thankyou for complementing me and my words; positive feedback feeds the soul.

Your description of the 'empty nest' is obviously born of experience and I know that's where I am at present. I've spent 26 yrs worrying and feel a sense of loss and value. My sons' girlfriend has been a sort of focus; you know...will she do the right thing by him and replace my protective instincts? But I also have to face the fact he's not a little boy anymore...that's a process too. And yes, he's my son forever.

Dr Kim talks about freeing ourselves from habitual thinking/worry. Mmm hmm, that's me in a nutshell. Just like my mother. OMG! What am I saying?! My sisters and I often cringe about how we've become like her. lol

This point reminds me of my goal to be more positive and let go of the temptation to be a negative grumble guts. My pro's and con's list is literally overflowing with life changing wonderment.

I read advice by Dr Kim on menopause and the mood swings that come with it. Anyone facing anxiety and/or depression might be thrown into worsening hormonal changes due to this. Ahh...to be a woman.

The thing that hits me right now, is how inexperienced I am at working on myself...just for me. When I think about losing weight for instance, it's how others see me. I try to do it for me, but old memories and beliefs of being too this or that or not enough, creep up. Meeting women and feeling green is probably fuelled by these fears.

This sentiment is reminiscent of my first posts on BB. Self blame and how I cause people to hurt me needs to be swiftly given the heave-ho. I am self aware though and the process continues.

It's been wonderful chatting about women things. Nurturers and multi tasking worry warts we is...

Warm wishes and thoughts...Dizzy xo

Am I the only one?

Just Sara — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 03:42:59 GMT

Oh Corny;

I really need to say this; your empathy and words of expression although well intentioned, are a little off the mark. I appreciate your heartfelt sentiments so much, I really do. The point you seem to be missing, is that my current feelings are based on 'current' circumstances, not past or future. My past with 'monsters' has been dealt with. Yes things creep back now and then, but only in response to triggers that occur from what I'm facing in the 'now'.

I'm concerned for the way you seem to be 'feeling for me'. The sadness I've gone through was catastrophic; you're right in this respect and at times I never thought it would end. My cup was full for so many decades, however my hard work and success in dealing with my past has grown dramatically and continues with each passing day.

My reasons for starting this thread is to continue to live in the present with mindfulness and gratitude, knowing I've developed great strategies to confront life and its traps. My disclosures of my sexuality, feeling green and stupid have no baring on other people. It reflects issues of self awareness and this is a good thing.

Instead of tearing up for my sadness, please share in my success by cheering for me and being a friend who can help me get back my sense of confidence and greatness. I'm certainly deserving of it and so are you by the sounds of it. I think you have triggers of your own going on, so please remember I'm here for you too. My wisdom is also born of pain, but it's wisdom all the same.

You've given so much beautiful advice, so I'd like to reciprocate in kind. Protect yourself from our pain; feeling helpless when others suffer can be just as debilitating as feeling powerless from invasion. I've learned this too well. Boundaries must be created to stop us reaching out too far, as well as stopping others coming in. That's why I avoid 1st poster's sometimes as becoming overly sympathetic can cause me grief.

This has turned out to be quite a thread. If I'm off the mark Corny, I apologise. I just don't want you going through unnecessary emotions on my behalf. ok?

You're a gorgeous woman...Dizzy xo

Am I the only one?

Cornstarch — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 04:06:25 GMT

Oh my god not at all Dizzy. I love good communicators. Lousy communicators and me simply do not work. I could never be in a relationship with a lousy communicator. I'm an all cards out on the table kind of a person. None of this silent treatment mind games rubbish.

Do not worry about me tearing up. Do you know what? It's actually a god damn frigging miracle. It's my milestone. To feel, is my milestone. It is actually evidence that I am in lots of ways the healthiest I have ever been. That must sound absurd on a Depression Forum. And I have had many many people assume that about me if I have cried in public etc or in a context that they deem indicative of clinical depression. But they're just ignorant.

There are heaps of posts on this forum that I can relate to but I am sorry to say that I am completely alone with one symptom that has caused havoc in my life - dissociation. A lot of people simply do not understand it and are very uneducated about it. I saw my clinical psychologist on Friday and she started to cry when she realised how far I had come.

If I told her that I wrote a post on BB that touched me and it brought tears to my eyes she would be so proud. The 'D' word that gets all the glory is depression. And someone with my background it could be assumed at times that I was depressed. I should be depressed, but I rarely feel depressed. When I have it has been a result of one particular horrible flashback I experience but the longest it's lasted has been a day and a half.

Dissociation is misunderstood and clinicians often miss it. But unfortunately when you have an NDE at a very young age it is extremely common. I hate it. But I have to live with it. And all of the stigma and assumptions that come with starting to alleviate it such as crying. I am the poster child of stigma.

You are at a new beginning Dizzy. I can feel fresh energy coming in and C_H_A_N_G_E. Thank god for positive change.

Am I the only one?

Starwolf — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 04:48:05 GMT

Hi Dizzy,

I don't think we communicated before on a "personal" level, but I always enjoy reading your articulate and thoughtful posts. This new thread compels me to share a couple of thoughts...

My parenting experience started off almost immediately as a single Mum with no family support. This quickly turned into single mother to a brain damaged child (due to a playground injury). 17 overwhelming and all-consuming years.

As time went by, I kept thinking of all the things I could do when I finally managed to reclaim my life...Foolish me thought that I would actually take it up again where I left off.

First of all, previously held in check battle exhaustion set in.

Then I realised that lack of motivation was not entirely due to burn out and sudden disappearance of tension. I just wasn't who I used to be before. Those years had of course changed me but I had been so focused elsewhere that I had failed to notice. So the transition was more a journey of self-rediscovery than resuming personal life after interruption.To some extent, I believe this is what happens to all parents when children become independent and leave home. Habitual perspective shifts from impersonal to personal. Hard to keep our balance when we're not sure what personal actually means...

Some dreams die a natural death, others are kept in some sort of induced coma throughout those parenting years. This feeling of no longer knowing oneself really pulls the carpet from under the feet. Stepping into unknown territory is exciting but it is also unsettling, scary at times...particularly when it couldn't be closer to the bone ! We women often give so much of ourselves away that we easily end up becoming strangers to our selves in the process.

Focus on ourselves becomes possible but we have forgotten how to do it. Like all things unused for some time, we find that it has ceased up under the rust.

But hey, what an opportunity to reassess the contents of our psyche...the mind can become a stuffy, cluttered place. It is good to fling open its windows, let in a gust of fresh air, clear it of useless accumulation...and figure what we need to dust up for the next stretch of the journey, what it is we want to fill the empty space with.

We wouldn't be here if we hadn't been bruised and battered. We may not know exactly what we want but have a clearer idea of what we don't. You so much deserve to nurture this precious self, for a change... Your courage and insight will blaze you a trail.

Am I the only one?

Cornstarch — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 04:51:32 GMT

My posted reply's aren't getting through today but you're a great writer Starwolf, you sound awesome.

Am I the only one?

Starwolf — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 05:11:13 GMT

Thanks for the compliment Cornstarch...I thought YOU are a great writer !

I'm just an old chook who's been through Life's shredder and had to take up the challenge of putting myself back together again...one strip at a time. Still working on it...some of the pieces were more confetti than shreds !

Am I the only one?

Cornstarch — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 07:17:02 GMT

Dizzy and Kaz my earlier poetry was so poignant that Gandolf has not let it pass, or he has taken it to the New Yorker for publication. What can I say. I will try again.

Am I the only one?

Cornstarch — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 08:22:08 GMT

If I don’t make any sense forgive me because my synapses are not connecting my PTSD as been
dreadful today, my heart is all over the shop. So over that symptom making me feel like a frightened freak for no logical reason.

Thanks for being so open and honest I love good communicators. Lousy communicators and me simply do not work. I'm an all cards out on the table kind of a person.

I have just realized how silly I am being on a “Depression Forum”, and crying and being overtly emotional is symptomatic of clinical depression therefore it concerns people. Yes, Dizzy you have mis-interpreted my crying. It is actually a miracle and quite literally a milestone that I am now able to, considering how chronic my dissociation was for my entire childhood. I wish I had depression it sounds so much easier.

It’s fascinating because this keeps happening to me out in the real world as well based on my bloodline. Lets just say because of my parents stencils of stigma have been held up to me my entire life. Not one health professional looked at me with fresh eyes and if they had I probably wouldn’t have PTSD.

Getting me to a point where I could feel anything has been a milestone. But getting me to a point when emotions arise no matter how awkward it is for others I can immediately flush them out of my nervous system with tears is a miracle. I’m coming up to my 18th year of meditation practice. What it has done has made me less braced and my nervous system more porous. It has helped me to gradually fragment my dissociation, and therefore lessen my arousal and my opioid numbing which I had to use after my NDE.

I guess appearances are just appearances and I’m used to people out in the world judging me based on my parents mental illnesses, it’s expedient and it categorizes me as a known quantity. A descendent of madness will never be able to shrug that off cos it sticks pretty damn well.

You sound like you’re in a great place Dizzy in the sense that change is happening and you know yourself really well and you are looking straight ahead. How exciting! I share in your success. It is but just the beginning of more and more to come. Maybe hook in to some online lesbian chatrooms as a start. They're obligation free, just don't reply if you don't want to talk to anyone. Good luck!

Am I the only one?

Cornstarch — Sun, 11 Sep 2016 20:20:43 GMT

I'm so happy that you found love Kaz. We have this odd social expectation that we will all find it before the age of 40 and that is the only person you will ever love, and you will love them the most.

I look around and that is just Hollywood selling soppy movies, not real life. Some people find it later in life, and others not at all. That's just how life goes.

It sounds like you've been to hell and back. This may sound like a very strange thing to say and I don't want to minimise your suffering in anyway but reading everyone's posts on here about Bi-polar I get envious on behalf of my Mum. Bi-polar is so much more successfully responsive to treatment and you can still live a full life, remaining engaged. She has schizophrenia, the world's most severe mental illness - and her world is so tiny. About the size of a pea.

Enjoy your week.