topic How to stop comparing self to others? in Anxiety

How to stop comparing self to others?

Tiffany1 — Sun, 04 Dec 2016 09:09:15 GMT

Howdy everybody! I'm not currently going through an episode, so I'm feeling pretty upbeat right now, but I just want to make sure depressed me in the future is prepared a bit better.

Sometimes I get this terrible thought process happening where it seems like everyone is getting on with their lives and achieving things and being successful and becoming better people. And my mind tells me that I've achieved nothing.

The negative self talk is quite bad when I go on facebook and I see everyone graduating with prestigious degrees and getting jobs, so I avoid fb now and I'm a lot happier. I went to an academically selective high school so it seems like most of the people I knew then are now highly respectable and employable people. It makes me remarkably jealous.

When I graduated high school, I figured I wanted to pursue my dream to become an independent creative, and I thought since I was kinda smart and work really hard, I could make it. So I went to university and took a degree in the creative arts instead of the recommended business/law/science/accounting/engineering degree. Now classes have finished, and I do have fellow artists who've got jobs lined up or are working for studios now, but I'm not one of them.

I had a tough time in university, at first I was really happy that I finally got to do creative stuff, but the head teacher was a real bully toward me and other students. He refused to speak to certain students because he didn't like their art, belittled other teachers and students behind their backs, and he'd push whom he considered talented artists so that they'd be getting no sleep. His emotional abuse made me relapse into deeply depressive episodes and I started hating creating stuff.

I can't share my art online now, and sometimes I just destroy my work because the voices in my head get so loud. I haven't even started looking for creative work even though I have pieces I can show studios. I'm looking for a day job situation too, but it gets me down when I look at receptionist ads because I'm not even qualified for those and I spent so long trying to become a creative it seems like a waste to become a full time paper pusher.

I feel like university was a waste and a huge mental struggle. I regret pursuing my dream. And I'm constantly comparing myself to more successful people. I know I have depression and anxiety to some degree. I just want to be happy with myself and what I've achieved? How do I focus on the good, and what good is there?

How to stop comparing self to others?

themadchatter — Sun, 04 Dec 2016 09:56:12 GMT

Good evening Tiffany hope your night finds you well. I read your comment and can so totally relate to you. It is a terrible feeling comparing one's own life to someone else's. You feel less than them and question whether you'll ever get what you desire. I am guilty of this. All around me I see former friends of mine married and either having kids or about to become parents and I have none of that. It's one thing that gets me in a depressed and anxious state. I discussed the feelings that were born out of this envy. He told me not to dwell on things that have occurred in the past. I can't control those things. All I can do is focus on the present and the future and make sure I am doing what I can right now to have those things later in life. I hope in some way I have helped you or at least future you

Kind Regards

Damien

How to stop comparing self to others?

Nikkir — Sun, 04 Dec 2016 10:13:37 GMT

Hi Tiffany1,

Thank you for reaching out and thank you for your valuable comments that I am certain alot of people can relate too including myself. Firstly congratulations on going to uni and getting a degree, that is a fantastic achievement that requires alot of hard work and discipline, I know this because I am at uni. So that is something that you should be very proud of:) I think it is good to do things that you enjoy, there is always a place for arts, I am sure you will find a job that suits you. I think it is great that you don't look at facebook because it can be a bit depressing but remember mostly people put there best shots and highlights. For me personally when I am actually having a good time and living my life I don't even look at facebook. The point that you brought up about not feeling good enough or comparing yourself to others is the main thing. You need to find a way to accept yourself as you are or make the changes to be who you want to be. It is only when we are not fully being who we are that we compare ourselves to others, this also is something that I am learning to do myself. So even write it down, what things are you proud of, what goals do you have ? I am sure you could do a short course to do admin and reception or other work while you are looking for what you want to do:) Lots of people do that, like work at Maccas whilst at uni etc. Have you got some support ? It would be great if you had someone who you could talk to about this, get a referral from your GP or trusted friends ? You can always ring out line on 1300 224636 and they can advise you on different options. It sounds like you have a bright future you just need to build up your confidence and find your way. Another thing to remember is what you see is not always how it is for people. Alot of people wear there happy and successful masks but don't always feel like that. Have you tried rickhanson.net

Taking in the good? its a wonderful meditation and process to change our neural pathways and take in the good because generally we remember the bad in life. Wishing you all the best, please let us know if there is anything we can do and how you are going. Good luck ! Nikkir x

How to stop comparing self to others?

girl_interrupted — Mon, 05 Dec 2016 00:48:58 GMT

Hi Tiffany. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Well done on getting your degree. I am currently working thru a degree and I know how hard it is, trying to balance life and work etc. So be proud of yourself for that. I can also relate to feeling a bit worthless and comparing myself to others constantly when I'm in a depressive mood. It's so debilitating and consuming. Maybe you could look at some resources online on goal setting or do a career quiz (they are available on employment websites such as Seek.com and CareerOne) or even talk to a life coach or career counselor. I think having an artistic flair is a wonderful gift that must be shared. So if there's some way you can incorporate those skills - have a look at SourceShield's post on creativity (I can't remember so I'll post when I go back and find it). He has some great tips on creativity and goal setting. As others have suggested, a counselor might be the way to go. Write down all your strengths and refer to them when you're feeling down. It's hard to get by on just selling your artwork (although not impossible!) So maybe you could do some other work to get you by - Nanny work/childcare/support work/community work of some kind. You have endless potential. Best of luck and keep posting x

How to stop comparing self to others?

Tiffany1 — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 00:33:36 GMT

Pasting this here because it was suggested I keep my story together, flows better too!

Been on these forums before, they're mighty helpful and I love all of you for hanging on there and managing the mental illness and fighting the good fight each day!! Much love!! Since my last post, I've been to 4 sessions with a psychologist. A lovely woman of colour whom I feel very comfortable with and who understands my migrant experience without me having to iterate. Been diagnosed with anxiety.

I got a job as a travel agent. I don't like it, but minimum wage is better than nothing. And this is still better than waitressing. I'm stressed out because I have to work an extra day at my family business a cafe, so I end up working 6 days a week. I don't feel like I am rested enough, I've been having panick attacks bc of it.

I dislike talking to strangers to have to convince them to book their holiday with me. I am passionate about travel and different places and cultures, but customers are concerned about getting as good a deal as possible when travel cannot be discounted much. I got a full time job straight out of university bc my mum and dad were nagging me and mum was making me work at the cafe anyway. so I took the lesser evil, and thought at least this way I would have enough energy to work a desk job full time and do my own personal art, but because I'm working way more than I anticipated, I'm just always too tired or too anxious to do what I love and get downtime and rest.

Spoken to people about this, Got a variety of coping mechanisms from my psych. Friends and bf have suggested I take less days at work which I refuse to do because I am still proving myself at the travel agency and my mum needs help running the business.I also have anxiety when I try to draw anyway, bc of an abusive teacher I had in university. And bc of the negative thoughts which tell me I've never been good at art which is why I couldn't find an art job out of uni. I'm annoyed because a lot of people I talk to in real life, they don't understand what that means, they tell me I'm just being silly and dramatic.They don't understand it's anxiety and that to a degree you can do CBT, but you can't just "stop". I'm trying to cope, which is why I'm here again.

Because of my CBT I'm able to minimise the impact of negative thoughts. How do I start thinking nice thoughts about myself? Because I've never been able to do that.

How to stop comparing self to others?

Tiffany1 — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 00:38:02 GMT

Hi Nikkir!

Thankyou for the post and I hope you accept my belated thanks!

I've since been referred to a psychologist and I definitely do have a trusted friend I can go to with my mental health concerns.

I found a job at a travel agency because I am passionate about travel, but I'm afraid I don't like it very much.

These forums are helpful as a coping mechanism so I will keep updates here in this thread.

Hope you are well and everything is well with university for you!

How to stop comparing self to others?

Tiffany1 — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 00:41:29 GMT

Hi Damien,

My belated thanks for replying to me last year!

I hope everything is well with you.

I have been working on the comparing myself to other people thing. It's definitely very hard as I am naturally quite competitive and find my self worth in working hard.

When I fail, I will blame myself for not working hard enough, but we are all only human and not everything is within our control.

Definitely still a work in progress here.

Kindest regards to you!

How to stop comparing self to others?

Tiffany1 — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 00:48:59 GMT

Hi girl_interrupted,

My belated thankyous for replying to my last year!

Currently I've got a psychologist and I've been working on cognitive behaviour therapy.

I did find full time employment soon after my post which is why I haven't been online. I have been very busy.

I work at a travel agent and I do not enjoy my job. I find it doesn't suit my personality well. It has brought my out of comfort zone a lot and it forces me to talk to a lot of strangers every day.

I do have mild social anxiety and cold calling people and greeting people as they come in through the door is excruciating. I can do it, but it exhausts me. Perhaps the same is with all work.

I am still working on all this. Perhaps things may get better, but some days are very hard.

I thought getting a full time job would make me happy but because I have to work another day at my family business, the lack of rest makes it very stressful.

Hopefully it gets better.

Kindest regards to you! Hope you are doing well on your end.

How to stop comparing self to others?

Tiffany1 — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 10:30:10 GMT

I love my coworkers at the travel agency, I have never met a more supportive and amazing group of women. It's awesome working with them, I feel like I've grown far faster with them than anywhere else I've been.

But today was a real struggle in terms of dealing with customers. Today was all customers looking to pricebeat, and when I said I could match the price they found online, weren't satisfied and asked for a further discount. If I gave them a further discount; I'd be paying for their travel. Our company already wears the cost of price matching websites that nobody books with because they are dodgy. So uh, yeah no, I don't really feel like paying for my customer's travel.

Anywho, so even though I got a bunch of people today ridiculously low prices, they still weren't satisfied. Spent hours on some and no booking so I was essentially working for free, though I wouldn't have made any money the discounted ones anyway.

It's a weird economy. I'm not allowed to make any kind of mildly negative comments towards my customers in the shop, so I need an outlet.

I have another day of work tomorrow. But I'd much rather have a weekend or perhaps a cider.

My anxiety is low right now, but I'm pretty mad at all the customers. Why is there this bargaining culture around travel? Nobody bargains over a coffee or a t-shirt, though the margins there are insane?

I detest talking to people at the best of times, I'm not an introvert, but I am choosy with who I spend my time with and who is worth my time. And I feel like, this travel agent thing is a real waste of my time.

I wonder if anyone likes their job. Like, like likes their job??

I wish either my job was enjoyable OR my job paid a lot.

But my job is reasonably unenjoyable and I have to fake being happy. Plus I get paid peanuts and the only reason I can afford to live is because I live with my parents.

and I have to work 2 jobs because of the family business and I man I want some time to myself and I would love for people to kindly leave me the flip alone for a weekend. I am stupendously angry at my situation.

How to stop comparing self to others?

Tiffany1 — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 00:15:28 GMT

Making another post to my thread. I feel like it really shouldn't be in the Depression section since that's not what I have, I have anxiety. Can this thread be moved?

Also it'd be nice if someone replied.

Not too much has changed

My mum got more staff at the cafe so I could finally take my weekends off and that's improved my life a lot.

I read Change Your Thinking by Sarah Edelman and Overcoming Low Self Esteem by Melanie Fennell.

I started off grateful that I even had a job, but now I realise how upset it's making me. It doesn't fully utilise my skills and I'm sadly just not good at convincing people to book travel with me. I'm not good at my job, and it doesn't sit well wth me because I'm the type to always work myself to the bone for something. I've been doing that for the past few months, tried to take a more positive outlook on my work. I haven't made many bookings and my manager is concerned. I think it's time for me to seriously evaluate me being in the job, it's one thing to hate a job you're good at, but it's another to hate a job you're bad at.

I need to figure out, is it because I am not doing well that is causing me stress, or is it the fact that this job isn't an ideal job in the industries I'm interested in that is causing me stress. It's probably both reasons, and looking at it, I feel like the only way to fix this is to find a new job.

That stresses me out too because I don't want to look for a job. It's hard to put yourself out there.

Either a new job or become good at being a travel agent. It's just disheartening because my manager says that I should be better than I am at 5 months into the job. And I don't think it's from lack of trying.

How to stop comparing self to others?

Sophie_M — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 01:45:28 GMT

Hi Tiffany, we've moved this thread to the Anxiety section. Thanks for posting again, some community members should be along soon to reply.

How to stop comparing self to others?

Tiffany1 — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 03:17:49 GMT

Thanks Sophie, it's good to have it in the right section.

I might use the chat function of this website too.

How to stop comparing self to others?

Tiffany1 — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 03:31:26 GMT

I'm definitely going to keep working on my coping mechanisms, but I'd also like some way out of this job.

If I were to leave the job, I also don't want to leave it on the grounds that I wasn't any good. I want to leave it knowing I was pretty good.

Like I said before, it's pretty sad looking for a job. I'm definitely not confident enough to look for a job in the field I studied. I did put in an application for one job, so I'm gonna wait it out and see.

I'm worried that if I find my current job stressful, I'll find other jobs just as stressful. I just don't really have a good frame of reference for how jobs should be. My mother worked in a factory all her life and now she's working in her own cafe. And I've only ever been a waittress, English tutor and travel agent.

I enjoyed tutoring, but I'm not qualified to be a teacher, nor would I have the client base to do tutoring full time.

I hate waitressing, I have anxiety so all it does it occupy my hands but my mind runs amok and makes me feel terrible.

Writing it all out helps, but no matter how much I manage my anxiety and how I feel about things, it won't make things better. I realised I needed to change things from the root of it.

Thw big one for me would be to find a job that fits me better whether I'm qualified for it or not.

How to stop comparing self to others?

Guest_9809 — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 03:44:54 GMT

Hi Tiffany, and its nice to see you back again. I suspect the people that you corresponded with last time, may no longer be taking part in the forums. And given that there are a number of replies here already, that may well be the reason you have not received any responses last time you were here in March.

Anyway, now that your thread is in the Anxiety section where it belongs, I expect you will get a few more responses now.

I'm afraid I dont have a lot to offer you with regards to careers advice. I do know that sales related work (of which your travel agency is ultimately) is definitely not for everyone. I personally could never do it, I dont have the outgoing personality or 'get up and go' personality traits to get me through. Subsequently I have always worked in industries in the 'back room', in the line of admin, clerical, bookkeeping and hotel-motel management (mainly financial side of things). So a career needs to be something that you are comfortable with.

I'm glad that you are now getting some weekends off to give yourself some down time and a chance to do some art as you choose. Although I am sorry to read that art can also be a trigger for your anxiety, given an abusive art teacher in the past. Most unfortunate, because I find art to be extremely calming and I become totally engrossed in it. I too have severe anxiety btw, so I have turned to art and poetry as a calming activity. Perhaps you could discuss with your psychologist about your art-related anxiety triggers?

It sounds as though your psych therapy with the CBT is having a positive effect on your, and thats really good to hear. I have also done some CBT therapy with my psych, and have found it helpful too. I have further PTSD-related therapy planned for later this year, which I am not looking forward to. But I'm told that after my CBT, that is my next step, that I'm ready. (-:

I am a little pressed for time right now Tiffany, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard. I will get back to you again in the next day or two, or when I have a bit more time. I'm dealing with the fallout of some bad news regarding my hubbys health today. I expect by the time I get back to you, there will be other replies.

I hope today is a good day for you.

Taurus xx

How to stop comparing self to others?

Tiffany1 — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 07:51:34 GMT

So I've deduced that the way to fix the problem is to keep my hopes up and poke around for other job opportunities.

I'm not going to let my unhappiness with my job affect other aspects of my life. I have been letting the negativity control me a bit too much, so I want to take that back and keep my work separate to the rest of my life. Which is hard, but I will try not to think about it if possible, and keep my free time filled with doing things that I want to do.

I've been doing that. So I do have swimming and I've even done a few horse riding lessons which have been great. They're quite expensive, so it's definitely not every week, but I do try to go swimming every week. I'll try to excercise a little more. And I'm going home tonight so I'll get to play with my dog at mum's house. I've been staying with my boyfriend on work days and then going home on weekends.

I've been venting to some of my friends about my situation. They're pretty supportive, but the guilt overwhelms me when I think that maybe they're getting tired of me, after all I don't really have much else to talk about because the negativitys been really overwhelming me. I'll take a step back and talk about happier subjects instead. It's pretty hard not condemning myself as a fundamentally unlikeable person, but I can't think like that. I'll focus on the positives in my life, and I'll try to write a list of my positives.

I have read in my Self Esteem book that this is a good thing to do if you are under the impression that you're no good/not good enough etc. It's fine to pat yourself on the back and learn not to discount yourself.

List of positives:

I'm pretty good with animals

I'm always polite, even to rude people

I can draw (I am working on doing this again, but it is difficult to draw again and look at my work)

I am a strong swimmer

I can speak multiple languages

I am on my Ls so I'm getting my hours up after being anxious about it for so many years

I care about people and always try to help

I was able to recognise that I needed professional help and I went and got a psychologist

I am neat and tidy

I am resilient

I am working on self improvement

I have a good work ethic

So keeping these in mind, I'll move forward. Not let my job define me right now because it's not ideal right now. Keep all the good things at hand which do make my life better.

How to stop comparing self to others?

Croix — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 09:54:04 GMT

Dear Tiffany~

I had a look at your posts starting last year and was impressed to find you are now taking control of things and also pleased that things are sort of OK, if not brilliant.

That list was excellent, not only because it helped in showing your ability to be positive but also because it give a picture of you - an admirable one.

Jobs change. They can come about though people you know or volunteering or just plain happenstance, not just formal job applications.

I think being creative is one of the truly important things in this world, to produce something unique that others can relate to is a real blessing. Mind you trying to judge one's own work is just about impossible - most creative people tend to judge their work far too harshly which can lead to the world's loss when materiel is simply destroyed. (Monet was an example) .

I've often wondered about that and eventually came to the conclusion that any work of art, in any discipline, is a combined effort by two, the maker and the viewer. Consequently the artist only sees their own aspect of the work, which has the other's contribution missing, thus dissatisfaction. Moral - don't discard, keep, even if only hidden away. They may fit later, or be the basis for better.

I would think going to uni will -long term - have given you assets to use in your art. Completing your studies is a wonderful thing, something you can use to reinforce your feelings of approval for yourself -and may sometime help with employment, museums need those with arts experience to name just one avenue.

It is truly sad you had a bad teacher. It's often said teaching is a fulfilling opportunity to educate and develop those studying, what is not so often said is it's also an opportunity to do an great deal of harm. One must reinforce the positive, harping on negatives is fundamentally destructive, leaving the student with unjustified feelings of failure. It's a teacher's job to build. I should know, I was a uni educator for umpteen years.

You left the ability to make judgments and act on them off your list.

Looking back on my post I see I've prattled on about creativity and not much else. I'd welcome it if you came back and talked more

Croix

How to stop comparing self to others?

Tiffany1 — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 12:23:24 GMT

Hi Taurus!

Thanks for your reply! I've definitely been feeling a little lost which is why I'm back on
these forums, but I might make it a more regular thing to maintain my mental
health.

Travel consulting is very much sales driven. I didn't expect it to be so sales driven when I began, and
I don’t mind this aspect; I’m just not too successful right now. I don't dislike most human contact, but when I get into an anxious mood it can turn my usual self into a completely different person and I snap at people and I give up easily and I don’t like that side of me.

I do accept that it's not for everyone. In the meantime I will still have to show that I'm giving it my everything until I'm able to find something more suitable.

Art used to be calming for me, however I've built up negative patterns of thinking
around it. For instance "I'm not good enough" "this drawing will be bad" "you're not as good as xxx classmate" "you can't draw".

I will go back to my psych to work out these issues. I was wondering do you have any helpful thought
processes when you are drawing? What keeps you drawing? What inspires you?

My unhappiness with
my job has probably exacerbated me feeling upset and stressed. I have to
remember to forgive myself like I would a friend, because it would be fair for
anyone to be upset in my situation.

Today has definitely started looking up as it's my weekend off work now and I've been
working on managing my anxiety instead of being swept up by the bad thoughts.
It's hard to be productive when I'm in an anxious, ruminating mood, but I'll
just have to take it one step at a time. I might try to finish a drawing tomorrow and not to think too much about the final product and what it means, just be proud that I made something and leave it at that.

Thanks for taking some time out of your busy day to get back to me! It's been immensely
cheering. I wish your husband a get well soon! And not to forget to look after yourself as well.

How to stop comparing self to others?

Tiffany1 — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 13:06:43 GMT

Hi Croix,

Thanks for the compliments! Thankyou for giving a reply.

I do hope that something about this job changes, whether it’s
the job itself or my success in this job.

It’s definitely been a struggle for me to create work and
leave it at that. Animation school encouraged me to be critical, it definitely
didn’t help my anxiety. What made it worse is That One teacher would often
stoop to personal insults in place of critique. He would be pleased with you
one day and then say you are a terrible student the next.

I did learn things at uni, but I find memories of that time
too painful to recall right now, it's all very raw.

I have trouble handling my thoughts while I draw (I always
have). They often become spiraling and negative when I spot any kind of
mistake. I know now that it’s because I’ve always had anxiety from a young
age. An example of what I think "1. That line doesn’t look right -> 2. You shouldn’t be
making this mistake, Bob wouldn’t make this mistake -> 3. That’s why Bob has
a job at Adobe and you don’t -> 4. You’re untalented and bad at art,
university was a waste of time." I’m going to write a list of good things about
each drawing I end up making, that might help. I did do that for a little while, but I gotta persevere with it.

Haha, I have destroyed works. I try not to do it now, but at
times all I could see are mistakes. I think my anxiety fuels it a little. I had a
similar feeling when at work they played back a recording of a consultation I
did, all I could hear was mistakes and I said to my manager that it was
terrible and I could say nothing good about it. My manager was able to give me
a more realistic view of it.

I would love to work in a museum. And thankyou for pointing
out another positive quality of mine. I’m glad you took some time out of your
day to have a chat, it’s good to see fresh perspectives. It’s definitely been a
bit stifling which is why I came back to these forums, to hear something other than my thoughts, and it has been very helpful indeed.

How to stop comparing self to others?

Croix — Fri, 07 Jul 2017 15:07:06 GMT

Dear Tiffany~

It's late, one very quick observation about 'mistakes'. Humans are not machines - they can't even draw straight lines unassisted. It is very easy to write off an unintended effect as a mistake when the whole point of art is not to be photographically accurate.

I'm trying to say humans' creations are in part great because of randomness in execution - or mistakes if you prefer. So don't blindly write off features just because you did not intend them. True they might be bad for the overall composition, but then again they might enhance it. It comes back to how others as well as the artist perceive it.

Also some things come about because they are buried in your mind and go straight from unconscious thought to hte papee -an obvious example is feeling of uncertainty leading to tentative or shaky lines.

I think you already know all this.

Writing down the things in a work you approve of (I did not say were right) is an excellent idea.

A job at Adobe is probably going to be soul destroying long term.

'Night

Croix

How to stop comparing self to others?

Tiffany1 — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 03:15:21 GMT

Hi Croix,

I think it's definitely time for me to face my fear of drawing again. I've been doing it on and off because my negative voices come back very strongly with nasty remarks every time.

Since work has been so stressful, I've been using it as an excuse to not do stressful things outside of work. But I think once I start building more helpful phrases and forgive myself more, I will be able to draw without suffering anymore.

I'll start out by drawing for 20 minutes each day. Previously I was aiming for 30 minutes and I was managing that for a while, but I will need to get back into the swing of things before I can aim for more time.

I do need to start appreciating mistakes instead of being afraid of them. Because everyone will make bad art, that's just a fact. And like you said, not every mistake will detract from a work.

thanks for the chat, I'll be finishing up my lunch break.

I'll definitely keep posting my progress with my mental health and how my job is treating me. It's very helpful.

Hope you have a good one!