topic What future? in Anxiety

What future?

Bibbetyboo — Wed, 02 Jun 2021 10:44:04 GMT

Long story short I didnt do well in school at all. I just wasn’t very good at anything. I could write stories but they were hardly readable due to dyslexia that remained undiagnosed. That also affected my ability to tie my shoes, read a clock and tell the difference between left and right as well as limited me to a grade 3 education in Mathematics. Don’t ask me how i got to year 11.
I had a mental breakdown due to some seriously bad nightmares that went on for a few years in year 12 and dropped out.
I was withdrawn and terribly depressed, my family made fun of me.
Fast forward I’m now 36 and have never improved.
I’m smarter but i am a recluse. I had a addiction issues with alcohol through my 20’s and due to bad anxiety didnt hold down a job.
My family have all but disowned me but were never very loving anyway its where the bulk of my pain comes from.
Now i have left another abusive relationship but this time I have a son.
He’s 10 months and doing very well but i am the shell of a person. I was homeless and pregnant and have only just managed to claw up a roof over our heads. His father is on an IVO and contributes nothing.
I’m saving for a car finally but never learned to drive after many attempts.
I dont know who I am. I have no super, no house or assets I’m nearly 40 and have no idea how to get work without family to help take care of my little boy.
I have no idea what I am going to do now that i care about someone else. If it were just me I wouldn’t even care but I look at how other family’s at least have pets or siblings or a future and i cant even provide that for him.
I love him so much it hurts. I wish i wasn’t such a loser, he deserves better and it’s breaking me into pieces. I am so tired i hardly laugh or smile I’m always sad or angry. I just feel like i wasn’t meant to be for anything and don’t fit anywhere.

What future?

Sophie_M — Wed, 02 Jun 2021 11:01:32 GMT

Hi Bibbetyboo,

We're so sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation. We recognise how much you have been through and we want to commend the amount of strength you have shown. We are sorry to hear that you feel like you don't fit anywhere. We think you are so brave reaching out and sharing your feelings here on the forums. We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

What future?

TheWookie — Thu, 03 Jun 2021 16:56:06 GMT

Believe in yourself. Also congrats on your baby.

You have come far. You can go further. Don’t look at others and compare yourself to them and what they have. It is hard not to, I understand that, but try not to. You have a little fella to be the best version of yourself for. Everything else is moot. No matter what age you are, there is always time for self improvement. You have strength in you, obviously, or you would not have made it this far.

What future?

geoff — Thu, 03 Jun 2021 17:59:02 GMT

Hello Bibbetyboo, thanks for posting your comment and please as TheWookie has said, you can't compare yourself to anybody else, simply because we all have different lives, independent situations and opposing circumstances, so person A can't be like person N, they don't just match, OK there may be similarities between you but certainly not the same.

Can I suggest going to Anglicare, they were a terrific help to me when I was struggling, they provide counselling, legal aid and can provide a house/flat until you finally are able to start your life with some confidence.

Can I ask, and only answer if that's what you want to do, but after I do, we really want you to get back to us, I was just wondering whether alcohol is still an issue with you, and I know of what condition you are suffering from and we don't want you to be afraid, because each one of us has been through our own type of depression and situation has not been easy to cope with, so we understand what's happening with you.

Take care.

Geoff.

What future?

tranzcrybe — Fri, 04 Jun 2021 06:26:53 GMT

As your son gets older you will find yourself swept along with the momentum as he enters preschool, social support from other parents, financial assistance and other support mechanisms as a sole parent. You will also learn a lot along the way, so although you feel lost right now, the child will come into his own identity with the love and support from his devoted mother.

It's not "just you" and your journey has taken on a whole new meaning which can only enhance your life and sense of purpose. You will also learn a lot about yourself which may lead you into more fulfilling relationships in the future as you rise to the challenges before you. Being there to assist others will see the favour returned (sharing the care duties, for instance), lasting friendships can develop through shared interest/need. You will also have more freedom (for employment) once he begins school and thus be able to provide for his needs as well as your own.

Saving for a car also shows you are motivated to take charge, and it is natural to be concerned for future obligations. Nevertheless, you are more capable than you believe.

What future?

Bibbetyboo — Sat, 19 Jun 2021 13:28:31 GMT

Hi Geoff and thanks for your response, I apologise i didn’t reply i have been so busy and tired.

I no longer drink I don’t have time for it and every cent of my income goes towards my son bills and saving for a car. I have no addictions, I don’t even buy junk food.
I am not the person I was since I was pregnant, escaped family violence, homeless throughout birthing in a pandemic ect. This whole experience (which has gone on for nearly two years) of homelessness and matriescense, has completely erased who I was.
I have ready reached out to every viable resource including Lifeline, orange door, PANDA Anglicare all playgroups you name it but at the end of the day I am still left with the panting fear that I am never going to be able to provide for my son.
I don’t compare myself to others, I noticed that is a theme here what I am doing though is looking to the future and wondering how since I was in a hole so to speak before i got pregnant i am not going to get myself and my son out of it logically since i have nobody else helping me or that will take him even for an hour.
I have a financial planner now and since the last post have got a lot of ducks in a row and many people seem very keen to attack that and put me down again but I’m not letting that happen again.
My ex partner wouldn’t let me terminate the pregnancy. He admitted he aimed to get me pregnant so that I would be too afraid to leave, he picked the wrong woman.

I am building a very good future for my son and one day i will write about it all to help others in this very real situation so that we can all get out of the Hollywood hills fantasy that is shoved down our throats every single day.
I am determined to put to bed the opinions of my parents (poor people raise bad children) that have disabled me in so many ways rather than comparing myself, i have been compared all my life and I am finally removing that from my programming to set a better example for my son than what I had.
Thank you again for your response.

What future?

Bibbetyboo — Sat, 19 Jun 2021 13:33:03 GMT

I dont have any diagnosed condition except for complex migraine.
I would say that anxiety had been a huge problem most of my life and caused a habit of avoidance, alcohol was a bi-product of it however i dont believe i was an addict. I overcame that fortunately when i found out i was pregnant.

I have had to do a lot of self exploration to find out what had hurt me so badly and there were many things related to childhood that there are not enough words.
My mother played a big role in disabling my attempts at life. Pushing my parents away and starting again was next to quitting alcohol the best thing i have done for both me and my boy.
It turns out after 2 years of hard core self reflection i have just let too many people with really bad intentions in rule my life and having my son has changed me from a victim to someone with guns that really doesnt take that anymore.
This is what has made the most difference besides realising that i am extremely resourceful.

What future?

Bibbetyboo — Sat, 19 Jun 2021 13:37:07 GMT

That was an amazing response thank you very much for taking that time.

I realise since i posted a lot of what you are saying and with that in mind every day i have overcome so much of what i wrote here with practical and resourceful solutions looking ahead.
Just paving my own way.
My son is my new heart, i don’t remember much about the old one I hardly know if it was beating but in fear especially that i wasn’t smart enough to count back change.
his development is fast and mine isn’t too far behind.

Thank you again.

What future?

geoff — Sat, 19 Jun 2021 15:27:56 GMT

Hello Bibbetyboo, thank you for getting back to us, this shows you that you're truly capable of living a normal life, and as your son develops in age, then this will benefit you in many ways, I'm proud of you and please keep in touch with us.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

What future?

therising — Sat, 19 Jun 2021 22:39:00 GMT

Hi Bibbetyboo

You are truly astounding, incredibly amazing and downright extraordinary. Definitely hard to fit into certain categories when you're this kind of person. I can't help but wonder whether you're bypassing a lot of the help many people seek because you're raising yourself. Because you've raised yourself out of family abuse, you've bypassed support resources for kids. Because you've raised yourself out of domestic abuse from your partner, you've bypassed places like White Ribbon. Because you've raised yourself beyond what would destroy most people, you've bypassed certain mental health services. The list goes on. You are definitely a truly amazing person who has raised themself so incredibly to the point where it's kind of like you're beyond the kind of help a lot of services offer. I actually feel pretty triggered for you. Where the heck are the resources that help and guide those who have moved beyond but want to keep moving. There's definitely a need for such services in Australia. I can't help but wonder whether accessing certain services most would have used would land you in a kind of pool of resources that can take you where you need to go. I'd like to imagine Services Australia would be responsive if you were to explain 'I've managed to lead myself our of a life of domestic violence but I have no resources when it comes to where I need to go from here. I need help and support.' Anyone who says 'Sorry, we can't help' is questionable. Question them, 'Who can? I'm desperate. I need help. I need you to think, to wonder, who can help me'. Sometimes it just doesn't seem right that our future depends on who is on the other end of the phone, the person with a closed mind or the one with an open mind who will think outside the square for us.

You've obviously raised yourself to the point of pure exhaustion. It's far less exhausting when there are a lot of resources, services, people raising you. They take some of the load off, especially when it comes to the kind of mental energy required to make a difference in a person's life.

Being a mum myself, I feel the need to ask how a child could find better than a mum who has worked so hard to reform her life. How could they find better than a mum who is devoted to them, to the point where it hurts. How could they find better than a mum who would never let them go through what she has, a mum who is determined to raise them, not bring them down. I believe, your child could find no better mum than you.

🙂

What future?

David35 — Wed, 23 Jun 2021 11:43:03 GMT

Don't compare yourself to others. It's a trap I often fall into, which just makes me depressed too. Compare yourself to the person you were yesterday, or last week. The race is long, but in the end, it's only with yourself. And if you can, stay off alcohol. It's a depressant and typically exaggerates feelings, or so I found anyway. So if you're feeling good, you'll feel better, but if you feel down, you'll feel even worse. It just complicates things. I spent 18 months in AA to get off alcohol and it's the best thing I ever did.

What future?

Bibbetyboo — Sun, 25 Jul 2021 08:27:49 GMT

Hi David, I dont drink alcohol I have not since before I was pregnant.

In some ways i need to compare to others to know if my sons developments are on track and if i am on track so in some ways it has been healthy to do so.

Things on the update on the other hand for others, my son is about to turn 1 and we are alone in lockdown again.
I am extremely depressed and really run down. I have no playgroups operating and nobody to really talk to.
In response to another post above I have accessed a lot of services including mental health and either every one of them has suddenly closed on me without warning or the free sessions for mental health i was given didnt really lead to any new discovery in fact sometimes had me feeling more frustrated and depressed than I was before.

I am trying my hardest here and not getting any better. Tonight i spent about 10 minutes crying at the dinner table in front of my son while he babbled gently at me as if to say
are you ok” no, no I am not ok and no, I dont know why.

I dont have a diagnosed mental illness and i dont do drugs or alcohol so if people could just get off those topics that’d be great.
This post is about anxiety, not drug abuse.

What future?

Bibbetyboo — Sun, 25 Jul 2021 08:33:24 GMT

Thank you very much for saying those kind words.

I’m not getting much better actually I’m very depressed and really run down.
We are likely to spend his first birthday in lockdown and have nobody coming to see us.
He jut cut 6 teeth in a row and I’m so run down, i cant explain how hard it is to function. My legs are aching my back is aching. I feel like a monster.

I manage him well and i am eating as much as i can and getting out daily, i have savings aside but I’m still just so fragile parts were just falling away to dispair.

How do i get out of this? I have tried every available support service and while some were able to help financially with our home, i have not really found any consistent support for my mental well-being.
Playgorups are shut down again nobody comes to see us. Friends from the past have poked in but i have found out every one of them was only trying to use me so i have cut them out.
I really want to start fresh but i am so far down this hole i cant figure out how i got here while all i have been doing for the last 2 years is dig my way out.

i have had psychologists, G.P’s jut try and throw antidepressants at me, i am allergic to many of them 9migraine complex) I have changed my diets, my lifestyle removed toxic people tried meditation for over a year i have done everything i can to move this and its come back worse than ever.

What future?

David35 — Sun, 25 Jul 2021 09:33:35 GMT

Sorry I mentioned alcohol, not drugs. Didn't mean to upset you.

What future?

Bibbetyboo — Sun, 25 Jul 2021 09:57:04 GMT

I’m not upset its just that I have mentioned above that I don’t drink anymore and have overcome that phase of my life. It wasn’t severe enough to require intervention.
I understand you are helping, thank you beautiful soul.

David is my sons name.
I guess I dont really know what I’m asking for anymore since
I can’t identify the problem. Isolation is definitely a thing i cant begin to describe how cruel people have been trying to take advantage of us and the distrust it has caused me to feel in others.

I appreciate you, I’m not upset at your post its just that alcohol isn’t the focus here.

What future?

David35 — Sun, 25 Jul 2021 11:57:10 GMT

Okay. All the best.

What future?

therising — Sun, 25 Jul 2021 21:32:05 GMT

Hi Bibbetyboo

People such as yourself are exactly the reason why the Australian government triggers me so intensely at times.

Living in Melbourne (currently in our 5th lock down), I've said to my 18yo daughter and 16yo son before every lock down 'Can you see where the government mismanaging COVID in this way is going to take us?' Their response, 'Yeah, we'll be in another lock down soon'. Even after the 1st one, it wasn't hard to see how much these LDs were going to mess with people's mental health. Their serious lack of mental health focus is highly questionable. A strategy which separates people from support is questionable. A stronger border based strategy would make more sense. Anyhow, enough of my rant 🙂

Tranzcrybe offers a vision for you, 'As your son gets older...'. I know it may be hard to believe in the changes that will come but it's possibly the most accurate vision when it comes to change and progress. Being desperate for change right now makes it harder to see the changes that will come with time. Never underestimate how seriously mind altering exhaustion can be. The main reason I gave birth to only 2 kids came down to not the pains of labor but the impact pure exhaustion had on me when they were babies. It contributed to my depression.

I've found that 2 of my greatest teachers in life are my kids. They have taught me a lot over time. I imagine your son will also have a lot to teach you. I believe our kids help us re-learn how to live. I've found, paying close attention is where the lessons come into play. They can be simple lessons yet they're potentially mind altering. I imagine you've learned your son thrives through seeking attention. He cries out for food, for a change (of nappy) to escape discomfort, for play/entertainment and so on. Anyone who says 'Attention seeking is wrong' is questionable. In truth, attention seeking is natural and productive, it gets results. If he's gained the natural ability to self soothe, through a soft toy or a favourite blanket, he's mastered meditating on the sense of touch. If he naturally seeks to channel or connect with a sense of excitement/stimulation, I imagine you've given him resources (objects/toys) through which to channel his excitement and even vent it if it's a little hyperactive. When he comes to walk, he will naturally seek any form of solid support in order to gain a greater sense of balance.

Kids are brilliant teachers, sages and therapists. What does your son teach you?

🙂

What future?

Bibbetyboo — Fri, 30 Jul 2021 12:15:57 GMT

What a wonderful response and I appreciate the life experience you have taken time to share.

My son has taught me a lot yes, all in the 9 months pregnancy and labour considerably about where I was going wrong in life pre-baby and how. I still have a crippling sense of self doubt regularly and fear that i cant support a future for him.
He has taught me about my vulnerability’s and where my strengths are and how specific that can be.
I have been having a lot of nightmares about my past I suppose the 9+11 months has brought on a lot of healing and I find bad dreams can often be a part of that.
I sometimes wake up in my head and kind of down about having to psychicly re-live the things I want to leave behind or that I didn’t even know mattered anymore or even forgot about but am suddenly feeling a sense of loathing or guilt about myself piled on the daily pressures of solo child rearing and keeping myself together.
I am also finding myself as an adult becoming really lonely. While having a son does fill me with a forever sense of love and wholesomeness I often don’t feel I have anyone to rest on.
There is no family or aditional friends in my life. The family story is complex cold and harsh and I have tried many times to understand and even repair that issue but it cant be solved, I’m just not convenient for them or too hard.

It still hurts knowing that the people who are meant to unconditionally love me just dont, never did or simply can’t the way I have always needed and now I have to give that to someone else without ever having had it.
I have had to completely re-wire myself from being a lost addicted homeless mindset to a stable responsible striving parent in a short time without any help and thats ok to a degree i am managing and at times find myself in awe of myself but the lack of support and softness just for me in my life is starting to hurt, a lot.

The nature of the time while seeming to present as supportive and inclusive i have found is anything but unless I am willing to present myself as someone I am not being truely different is all kinds of outcast at this time, more than it has ever been and its getting harder to find legitimate places and people to turn to.

What future?

therising — Sat, 31 Jul 2021 20:06:55 GMT

Hi Bibbetyboo

Sounds like your son is raising you in incredible ways, especially when it comes to finding the best in yourself. I've found vulnerability, to a degree, to also be about finding the best in myself. It's like just when you think you can do 'emotional detachment' in life (which can be convenient at times), cue the feelings that come with vulnerability/sensitivity. I suppose sensitivity's a reminder of our true nature.

Was saying to my 16yo son just yesterday how I believe there are 3 significant parts to us: The child, the commander and the nurturer. While the child in us can be curious, adventurous, highly imaginative and easily hurt, the commander is the aspect that dictates 'Okay soldier, get it together and get on with this.There are changes to make, things to do and nothing's going to get done with you just sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, imagining the worst'. I find it often feels like the nurturer has gone on holiday. This is the part that dictates 'Life can be incredibly hard and you are navigating the hardship/challenges to the best of your ability, under the circumstances. Be kinder to yourself as you navigate. Don't lose sight of the fact you are allowed to feel sorrow for yourself, with every stage of letting go of something in life. While you're grieving some lost sense of self, be kind to your true self in the lead up to making better sense of things'. If all 3 are working in harmony, life's great. If not, I find it can feel like I'm some over sensitive little kid with a harsh emotionally detached disciplinarian in tow. The nurturing aspect of our self is so incredibly important.

Not sure if you're still in lock down. Us Melbourne folk can be feeling like human yo-yos. Going into a lock down, you can feel the down side of a lack of human contact, a lack of excitement, a lack of adventure and so on. Out we come into reconnecting, our usual go to forms of what can vibe us up, new resources/ventures we have the freedom to participate in. Down we go again, into lock down and then out we come. Up and down, in and out, over and over. Wondering if you can make lock down a planning stage, where research is done. Can you imagine what play groups you and your son might like to join for support outside of lock down?

Nightmares...hmm. There are times where I'd love to scream at my brain 'Stop giving me such cryptic messages that mess with me. Just flat out show me what I need to do next in life as I'm working so hard to evolve'.

🙂