topic Have you forgiven yourself? in Anxiety

Have you forgiven yourself?

Scotchfinger — Tue, 05 Jan 2016 02:20:13 GMT

There are things I find hard to even admit to myself, let alone tell a bunch of strangers on a forum. Not jailable offences but still things I am in no way proud of.

I think for some of us, guilt is like a chronic disease. it erodes our soul. It makes us think we need to keep suffering in order to pay for our sins. And it affects our relations with people in a negative way. So I can't just say I've been a victim in life because I've also been one who has caused others pain and anguish. I don't need to hear your sins, just the fact that you continue to suffer guilt like me.

Have you forgiven yourself?

Blue_Water — Tue, 05 Jan 2016 08:14:10 GMT

Hi SF,

I've most definitely experienced and am still going through my battle with the pain and anguish I've caused over the course of my life. It's horrible and if I could go back and do many "do-overs", I would in a heartbeat. You aptly describe how guilt erodes the soul. It's an awful feeling and one I wish I could have my brain not contend with on a regular basis. I've hurt people too unintentionally and lost friends, jobs and husbands because of my actions. I suffer with you SF and wish it was a matter of clicking my fingers and wiping our bad memories away. How do I deal with it? Most of the time I push the negative thoughts to the dark recesses of my mind, keep busy so I try not to let the all too consuming thoughts take over. When I simply can't stop thinking of them, I sleep to block out the memories or I just weather it and suffer in silence till eventually the thoughts subside.

Trust me, you're not alone.

Have you forgiven yourself?

Mummybee — Tue, 05 Jan 2016 22:59:10 GMT

I tend to feel guilt in a different way. I like things to have a reason. If something bad happens to me or people I love I justify it by saying "oh well that's because I..."

I felt so guilty last night after I put one of my rubbish bags in the next door neighbours bin. She is elderly and hers is always half empty. When I went out this morning our wheelie bin has been stolen. I know it's because I put my rubbish in someone elses bin...

mummybee

Have you forgiven yourself?

Neil_1 — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 00:11:39 GMT

Hi there SF

I too would like to chip in here.

I’ve gotta say that your post is a ripper and for BW’s response, I was nodding my head and agreeing with her comments – well, most of it anyway, as I can’t really relate to the husband’s bit.

It’s an incredible evil emotion and I’ve found that over many years of counselling session, psych’s, etc, no-one has been able to reduce the level of guilt that I live with. In the heat of the moment, you make a decision and it turned out to be the wrong decision and the penalty paid was the worst result possible. Then you get the professionals trying to tell you that what you did was what anyone else would have done, that you did your best, that you weren’t to know, and I could rattle off another dozen or more comments that they have made to me.

It doesn’t make one scrap of difference.

It’s a haunting feeling that lives with me and because of it, you find it easy to hate yourself.

Then extending on from that, PTSD is the natural outcome.

I could go on, but think I’ll leave it at that for the moment.

Neil

Ps: well done on producing such a good thread and topic. One not to shy away from – hopefully others can come and do their ‘unloading’ if they feel able to.

Have you forgiven yourself?

Scotchfinger — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 01:32:19 GMT

I notice in the news today, somewhere in WA, I think it was, a father accidentally ran over his own 2 year old son on a driveway, causing his death.

Can't begin to imagine how traumatic that must be, especially for the father. I've never suffered like that so I guess I'm lucky.

Have you forgiven yourself?

Durras — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 01:38:00 GMT

Hi all,

I have guilt poisoning my entire body, I feel like it running through me, all my thoughts and emotions and decisions I feel like I have to be so careful and gentle with everything I do. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but then I think I need reassurance for any decisions I do make, is this ok, is that ok, or to justify or the time. I don't know why this is, where it stems from, can't remember most of my childhood, I must of blocked it out from my memory. I can remember little fazes of it, bits and pieces but nothing really till 15 and kicked myself out of home.

But yeah I have spend most of my life feeling guilty and I don't know why, with this I feel worthless or useless as I haven't lived to an expectation as one thing I remember from around age 18 and in my 20's mum and dad saying things to me like (No you can't do that you won't succeed) I also remember my dad saying that I would end up in the gutter, or jail and he won't bail me out. Sorry this is all probably off topic here.

Now here I am 44, no qualifications, no job and struggling to find one and now feeling guilty for not being a excellent mum providing for my daughter with her needs. And feeling guilty for being a terrible wife, my husband coming home each day to me like this (not my daughters dad)

On top of all this my past is crawling constantly in my mind with where did I go wrong with my life, what happened that made me this way so useless, and feeling ashamed because I didn't do better.

Well I guess now that I have put it all this way it is more then guilt poisoning me. I'm too confused to notice the difference most of the time.

That's me, my little story, my life.

Hugs to you all

Durras

Have you forgiven yourself?

Scotchfinger — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 02:17:20 GMT

Bluewater

thanks for your post

No wonder some of us turn to drugs and alcohol

Have you forgiven yourself?

Scotchfinger — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 02:19:57 GMT

Mummybee

Thanks for your post.

I've been so tempted to put my dog's poo bag in another's bin, (on trash collection day), but pleased to say I haven't yet!!

Have you forgiven yourself?

Scotchfinger — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 02:21:31 GMT

Neil

Thanks. You've really made my day with those compliments!!

Have you forgiven yourself?

Durras — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 02:40:58 GMT

Hi SF,

You hit the nail on the head with that comment.

I started smoking at the age of 11 and then doing drugs and drinking when I kicked myself out of home. So yeah I can't blame my dad for those comments but then I am the child. I just finished re-reading other comments above mine and sorry I didn't put more attention into the topic of how I have hurt people.

I know with doing drugs and drinking yes I have played many horrible, malicious games against people in spite and hurt them terribly and also have hurt people very close to be such as my twin brother, we didn't speak to one another for 3 years and I can go on.

This is something that keeps recurring from my past and people say to me (just say to yourself your not that person anymore) if it could only be as done as you said just click the fingers and all will be better and different and gone. When all this does come into my mind from the past it has such a huge impact on my now, present and don't know how to change or control it. Anyway going on too much as I do. Yeah got to know when to stop talking and typing.

This is such a nice forum thou, it gives me the feeling of belonging to or apart of something really wonderful. NEVER HAD THAT FEELING BEFORE! Its warming to know and have this feeling, especially with all the hugs shared.

On that note finish with a massive hug to all.

Durras

Have you forgiven yourself?

Durras — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 02:43:34 GMT

See I'm completely confused now getting threads and posts muddled. Now feeling really silly.

Durras

Have you forgiven yourself?

Scotchfinger — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 02:56:30 GMT

I propose a toast. Please be upstanding and charge your glasses!

"To silliness"

Have you forgiven yourself?

Durras — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 03:05:38 GMT

Thank you SF I needed that laugh and to feel myself smile.

Have you forgiven yourself?

Guest_5218 — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 03:10:57 GMT

Hear, hear !!!!!!

Cheers Scotchfinger, and all others.

Sherie xx

Have you forgiven yourself?

Mummybee — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 05:48:43 GMT

To Silliness!

Just while we are all on this, has anyone noticed that a lot of the new years resolution hype seems to be about saying "sorry" less? I have read two different articles on this in the past week, and they have both said a similar thing. We say sorry way too much. So much that when we do, it isn't taken the way it should be.

Does anyone else do this? I do... All the time... and I don't usually mean im sorry.

Ill start a phone conversation with "Sorry to bother you, but...." even if its just to my mum because I need to tell her about something with the kids.

I bet we all do this.

Mummybee

Have you forgiven yourself?

Blue_Water — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 05:56:24 GMT

Oh Blimey! Isn't it what? If I had the $$$' I'd most likely turn to booze. I believe Neil 1 put it very succinctly, no amount of psychological work, self help books etc will keep my monkey brain quite. You know, if anyone has ever watched the movie "One flew over the cuckoos nest" there is a very famous and funny line from it that rings true and makes me feel instantly better: "What do you think you are, for Chrissake crazy or somethin? Well you're not! You're no crazy than the average person walking down the street and that's it!", said by Ken Kesy. The BB people like me and all the others on here are just the brave ones who aren't afraid to admit our frailties. I believe most of the people I know who have money, hold down great jobs, the friends of mine that travel frequently or the ones that are retiresd without a worry in the world, ALL have issues let me tell you. I don't feel so alone when I think about each and every one of them and realise, hmmmmm - maybe I am normal? Hahahaha.

So I raise my water glass and toast to the mad mad mad mad world we try to function in. Yep, any wonder why we turn to alternatives to get us through life. No-one asked me if I wanted to be born. If I'd known now what I do, I would have said, "No jolly thanks, I'm staying away!"

BW😄

Have you forgiven yourself?

Guest_5218 — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 05:56:53 GMT

Yes I agree Mummybee. Saying sorry has just become a 'figure of speech'. Said out of habit I think. Its like the always publicly used greeting of "How are you?". When in fact nobody really wants to know, and doesnt even wait for an answer. It really undervalues the meaning of an honest apology, or a genuine enquiry as to how someone is. But I suspect everyone does it to some extent or other.

Sherie x

Have you forgiven yourself?

Moonstruck — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 06:54:12 GMT

Scotchfinger and Blue Water...I'm glad you started a Guilt, Forgiving yourself...thread because I wanted to, but was afraid my emotions would carry me away and I'd babble on too much....mine is Mother Guilt....my 2 adult sons are wonderful, loyal, honest, funny, warm human beings...I "like" them so much as well as loving them more than anything in the world! I can't forgive myself for not "being there" as I should have been...years ago when they were 9 and 7 and the years following through their tough teens, to their adulthood.....my husband left us, and virtually ignored them - he left ME...I was the one he didn't want any more...I was the one not good enough...but in doing so....he went out of 2 little boys' lives too........I was a mess...drank far too much...was terribly depressed, trying to get help for us all....went back to work full time after a couple of years...but found it SO HARD coping with the stress by myself! All the legal stuff when he filed for divorce, the property, the loneliness...I hardly had any "time off" from the kids , which I needed to get MYSELF together as I grieved the loss of a husband and marriage. I should have BEEN THERE to help THEM through their grief! But I was a mental, emotional mess, in terrible emotional pain, I'm there for them 100% now...but those 2 little boys have gone....I can't make it up to THEM.....I can't get those years back...and be the "together" coping, functional, worthwhile woman I hope I am on the way to being now.......they're such lovely men...and I don't deserve them!! I can't imagine how they turned out so well....I want those years back!! I can't forgive myself!. (although they assure me they have and we have a fabulous relationship )...I don't get a second chance at being 100% there for two little boys. .I am in tears as I write...the guilt won't go away!

Have you forgiven yourself?

Blue_Water — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 08:14:01 GMT

My oh my Moonstruck, I'm hearing you loud and clear. Wouldn't it be a wild trip to go back to the past and redo things we're all now are living with in the present and most likely will in the future? But would we, knowing how jolly hard and difficult life could be? I think if we went back to try to correct our past boo-boos we'd most likely make new ones and then have those to live with. Wanting a scar free past is normal for decent people such as ourselves because I believe those who don't care wouldn't give two hoots about changing the past and making it pain free for not only us but for those we believe we've hurt inadvertently. I believe you did the very best you could under extremely tough circumstances. You coped the best way you could, you didn't abandon your kids, you kept them clothed and schooled and warm at night. They wouldn't have much to do with you now if they thought you weren't a good person/mother. Seems to me you've done a terrific job with them if your relationship is bonded. I know that no matter what I say we're are worst and hardest critics, again I believe that's typical for good people.

Have you forgiven yourself?

Scotchfinger — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 08:51:35 GMT

I second Bluewater's support of Moonstruck.