topic Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up? in Anxiety

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

Maureen — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 03:54:07 GMT

There are a few threads around about acceptance however I didn't want to hijack them with what I am struggling with.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, along with polyarthritis. Throughout these forums it is reiterated numerous times that once we accept our condition it can be easier to bear. I am trying to accept this new reality, the ups and downs, too many tears, too many aches and pains and the inability to work in any capacity. I thought I had started well, returning to simplistic activities I enjoyed, some contact with remaining friends and family, physical activities I am still able to be involved in, and enjoying my menagerie of 2 cats and 2 dogs. Then I went to my 6 weekly psychiatric visit.

I told her I now believed I wouldn't work again, but I had found a semi content state. She was not happy. Said I was too negative, I'd given up, I needed to get back on drugs and start seeing a psychologist. Hmmm, so much for thinking I'd finally found my happy place.

Back to too many tears, never ending negative thoughts, increasing aches and pains, withdrawing into myself. I agreed to seeing a psychologist she recommended, psychiatrist agreed to 6 week trial of natural anxiety medications, but didn't think they would work and I needed to realise I obviously needed drugs.

So what is acceptance and what is giving up? I'm 55, can only walk for an hour or so before sitting down, cannot organise anything without activating major anxiety, have no idea when tears will come, and have lost concentration abilities and a lot of logical thinking unless given lots of time to work things out. I'm mostly happy with some companionship, and doing simplistic things at home. How is that giving up?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thank you. Maureen

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

JessF — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 04:01:51 GMT

Hello Maureen, sometimes there's a time and place for 'tough love' but it doesn't sound to me like this particular psychologist gets it. My feeling is that your own happiness and satisfaction with life should be primary, and this is only a problem if it comes into conflict with doing things or living your life in such a way that is causing harm to yourself or others. And I can't see how, from what you have written, that you are in such a position.

Perhaps this psychologist is trying to be well meaning in helping you to "push your limits", but with a long time physical illness especially, you are much better placed at understanding your limits than she is. She is not a doctor, after all.

That said, I am trying to understand where this push might have been coming from. You say that you "cannot organise anything without activating major anxiety". This sounds very distressing, and a psychologist faced with someone saying this would naturally want to do everything they could to try and work out how to lessen your anxiety. So I guess the question is, is this a problem for you? Is this something that you want to change? Or are you satisfied with your life as it is?

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

pipsy — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 04:13:55 GMT

Dear Maureen. Hi there Hope we can be of some assistance. Sounds as though you were doing pretty well where you were, with your physical condition. Your psych actually sounds slightly out of sync. Is it possible when you told her how you felt about where you were with your progress, she possibly 'picked' up a negative type of response. You might have sort of sounded a bit flat when you told her. I'm not implying you deliberately sounded flat, just that, that's what your psych picked up on. How were you feeling when you told her what you believed? If you're really happy where you are in your life, I would be inclined to thank your psych, but tell her, you're quite happy where you are. Explain you're happier when you're not under emotional pressure. You are under no obligation whatsoever in your life of going outside your limitations. If going beyond the 'door' means emotional pressure, tears, hurting etc. I would be sticking to my guns and telling her, thanks, but I know my limitations and I'm happy where I am with my life. If, on the other hand, you want to start seeing a psychologist, reinstate medication etc, that too is your call. If you want to keep seeing your psych, that, too is your call. You do sound as though you're happy in your life, don't be afraid to stick up for what you believe. It's your life, your call. Your psych is trying to help you, but she may have overstepped the mark in her enthusiasm. Take your time, think about what you want.

Hope this has helped and not confused you more.

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

Maureen — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 04:20:19 GMT

Thank you for your quick response Jess. This was a psychiatrist, so indeed a doctor, but now that you mention it I don't think I've told her about the polyarthritis. I've only seen her a few times and she is a very drug focussed doctor.

With regards to the inability to organise things, when I mentioned this to her she didn't remember me telling her previously of this issue. I have no idea that the brain will stop working and the tears will flow until it just happens. It is very embarrassing distressing and makes my life difficult. It only happens if I am organising something that someone else is involved in, like a social outing, or when I was at work, say a meeting. I was hoping that if I could maintain a stable, happy state that this ability would return, at least in some capacity. The psychiatrist is hoping a psychologist can find out why this is happening. I was unable to advise of any thoughts occurring before the tears set in. There aren't any.

Is this post too 'me' specific to be on this forum?

Nope, not satisfied with my life, but hoping if I can lead a more simplistic life the anxiety will lessen. Hmmm, there is another post on here to return to a more simplistic life that I was very interested to read.

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

Maureen — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 04:29:35 GMT

Hey tipsy, thanks for your thoughts. I was quite happy with how I was going. Not so much now, all the second guessing thoughts are back. Joy!

This discussion came up with the psychiatrist because I am currently on long term unpaid leave from work, coming up to a year. I have a review in mid April to see if I can go back to work. I won't be able to, but I also mentioned to the psychiatrist that I felt I couldn't go back to work of any kind. Can't return to office work due to mental issues, can't do other work because of physical issues. I would love to be working again, it's just I can't see how. So according to psychiatrist I'm negative instead of realistic.

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

JessF — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 04:30:25 GMT

Ah I understand now. I have found that psychiatrists do tend to be very drug focused, whereas psychologists spend more time on the "why". I misunderstood and thought you had already been to see the psychologist. This would be a good thing to try.

And no definitely not too 'me' specific for here. This is a good place to talk about where you think your anxiety might be coming from.

I think you are on the right track with leading a simpler life. That said, there is a difference between reducing anxiety by living a simpler life, and reducing anxiety by avoiding things. For example, do you want to be able to organise events again? Or are you happy to let others do that, or perhaps be involved organising things jointly with someone so you don't have all the stress of sole responsibility?

The tears seemingly not connected to anything is interesting. It's common when grieving for loss that tears can come out of nowhere, like we have no control over it. Perhaps you are still grieving for the changes in your life and some things you feel you have lost?

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

Maureen — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 05:38:54 GMT

I'm so sorry pipsy, didn't notice the auto correct on your name.

I think that was the reason I posted this to the forum to see whether you thought I should stick to my version of content. Thanks pipsy. You're also right, I need to have a good think.

No worries Jess, didn't explain myself well at first. I would give anything to be able to live my life how I used to but I 'think', I've accepted that isn't going to happen. Now you're making me wonder if I'm avoiding the situation by simplifying my life. This is a good thing. Something I need to do, and perhaps discuss with psychologist if I get an appointment.

I have always been sensitive person and tears often flow. But not for no reason, that I can see.

Thank you both so much for bringing your very valid points and rethinking my situation and the psychiatrist's words.

Maureen

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

pipsy — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 06:38:45 GMT

Dear Maureen. Hi there, hope you're feeling a little bit better now you've had a chance to catch your breath. In your original post you asked if you thought giving up meant you have to accept there are some things you are no longer able to do. To my mind, giving up means you simply stop living any sort of life at all. You have accepted how you are a sensitive person, you have an obvious disability, that you're learning to live with. If you had given up, you wouldn't be doing anything. You know your limitations, I've already stated that. Maybe some light exercise to help eliminate some of the pain from the polyarthritis (which must be causing some discomfort), but, apart from that, you need to be comfortable where you are. From what you said, you live a pretty good life, a little light exercise, contact with friends etc. If you're not happy where you are in your life, the depression could cause you to make some unwise decisions to 'prove' your psych wrong. I think the sensitivity stems from having to try to justify why you feel the way you do. You don't owe anyone any explanations about your way of life, why you are happy being where you are in your life. You have one life, be happy where you are, otherwise you'll be more miserable trying to please others. Maybe discuss with psychologist how you feel, tell her you're basically happy where you are. Tell her also about decision making not being a strong point, makes you uncomfortable having to make certain decisions. Be firm about letting the psych know that because of the polyarthritis, you've realized a job could be difficult. Tell her getting a job would be nice, but where are you going to get a job suitable for your physical situation? Psychologists are usually more realistic when it come to employment. Could you do any sort of desk work, or would sitting for too long be unwise as well as painful? These are things you should consider also.

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

Maureen — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 09:43:01 GMT

Thanks again pipsy. I used to have many poor me days and feel the tears were to that way of thinking. Don't do that much anymore. It's now getting wound up with anxiety til something gives and the tears flow. Need to get back to the acceptance frame of mind and advise psychiatrist that that is where I want to be. I don't see her for another 5 weeks so hopefully will get there before then.

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

pipsy — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 11:32:00 GMT

Hi Maureen, glad I was able to clarify things for you. May I make a suggestion. When you next see your psych, try writing how you feel and where you're most comfortable. This way, the anxiety about telling her won't be quite so 'full - on'. If you can write it down, give it to her and wait till she reads it, if she questions you about why you wrote it, tell her it's easier. Sometimes when we try to tell someone something, we get slightly tongue-tied in our rush to explain clearly.

Just a thought.

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

Maureen — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 21:25:32 GMT

Thanks pipsy, will do.

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

White_Rose — Thu, 24 Mar 2016 06:07:52 GMT

Dear Maureen

Hello and welcome. I have been following this conversation and would like to put in my two cents worth.

Acceptance is very different to giving in or giving up. Giving in means you stop trying to do anything and just stagnate. Accepting means acknowledging you have, for example, an illness such as polyarthritis. This means you have accepted all the restrictions this imposes such as pain or difficulty moving, but you still move on with your life and work around the restrictions.

So, in pain - take medication, stiff - physio prescribed exercise. I realise that sounds very simple and in reality it is never that simple, but I hope you get the idea. If you need to get the house painted and would usually do this yourself, now that is no longer possible are you going to leave the house unpainted? That's giving up. Acceptance means you know you cannot paint so you look for other ways to get the job done.

In many ways you and your psych are both correct. You have looked for ways to reduce your stress and pain, while the psych wants you to look for ways to continue working while accepting the physical restrictions. No one has said you need to go back to the same job. Perhaps your employer can find another job that you can manage physically. This will help your self esteem and reduce the feelings of being useless. Please note I do not believe you are useless.

Do you see what I am getting at? You say you are not satisfied with your life. So make a life you are satisfied with, not a half life that shelters your disabilities and also stops your creativity, desire to work and interact with others, and is generally unsatisfying.

My suggestion is to decide what you want to do and then work out how you can get there with help from both psychs and your own wisdom and strength. Accept what you cannot change and go with the things you can change. Acquire the wisdom to know the difference. Apologies to the Desiderata.

Mary

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

Maureen — Thu, 24 Mar 2016 20:49:05 GMT

Hello Mary, thank you for your input. When I can stick to the small things I enjoy I am quite happy with my life. But it is hard not looking back and remembering how capable I used to be, holding a responsible job, engaging with lots of people. I'm getting better at accepting this new reality, but still slip now and then.

Last night I went out for dinner with friends and family who didn't know each other. They all spoke about their really interesting jobs, and frequent holidays. I found it very hard listening to all their stories, very envious. So still need to work on that acceptance thing and how I want to progress from here.

Thanks again Mary.

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

pipsy — Thu, 24 Mar 2016 21:54:06 GMT

Hi Maureen. Going out for dinner, listening to them talk about their busy active lives like that would've been hard. I have similar problems mixing with people who have children. Mine are grown up with older kids, so I can't really contribute much in that line either. A lot of my church 'family' have young children and it's hard to relate to their situation when I'm not in the same category. I think when you know you're going to be talking to people who work and travel, if you can add a bit about work related issues do so. If you can't contribute with the holiday talk, maybe, politely excuse yourself, go to the 'ladies', wait for a few minutes, then return to the table. I don't know about you, but I have a situation where I have to frequently empty, you could always say you have the same problem. I know it's hard and afterwards and during, you feel left out, but, unless you have travelled, there's not a lot you can do. If you have travelled, you could add your 2 cents worth. I haven't seen much of Oz, but I have travelled o'seas. Unlike you, though, I get a bit bored when people talk about o'seas trips. I'm not a good traveller, so travel and holiday talk doesn't interest me. I was sort of raised on a farm, so I can sort of contribute there. We all have problems with conversation issues. What interests one person might not interest another. Your friends obviously still want your company, that's another way of looking at it.

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

Maureen — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 00:04:53 GMT

Hello pipsy, This is the first time out to dinner since I've had to stop work. So was a bit of a shock having the feelings I did regarding the conversation. As I was the go between the two couples, they hadn't met b4 it was understandable having this get to know you conversation. I'll be better prepared next time.

I too have your problem, isn't it joyful spending so much time in the loo! 😊

Maureen

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

pipsy — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 00:36:21 GMT

Hi Maureen. Had to laugh at your comment about the loo. Don't know about joyful. I have a narcissistic ex MIL. She told a neighbour of hers I had a kidney infection because of how often I have to 'go'. I didn't know she had told this neighbour that about me. Needless to say it's not true, but my ex (emotionally very weak) never said a word in my defence re: this.

I hope you do go out for dinner again. Disregarding how you felt about the way the conversation went, getting out would've been quite therapeutic. As you say, next time you go, you will be better prepared.

Incidentally, my ex and I parted late last year because of too much interference by his parents. Narcissistic MIL, chauvinistic FIL, how lucky did I get - not. lol, now.

Good luck with next time.

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

White_Rose — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 03:24:10 GMT

Hi Maureen

I went to dinner with a few friends. We got around to talking about work. I retired eight years ago but there are times when I wish I was still working. Anyway, I contributed to the conversation with stories about where I used to work and how I got on there. Just as valid as the current stories from others and people were interested in what I used to do.

Mary

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

Maureen — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 06:50:20 GMT

Oh pipsy, I think we were married to the same guy and had the same MIL. Was separated 13years ago. Hope you're going ok. Separations are so hard to go through. do you know the first night out of the family home I immediately realised I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. Bonus! According to her she didn't understand why her son was interested in me, he usually dated models and I was so sensible looking. 😊

You're right Mary I could talk about my past employment. Didn't occur to me to do so last night though. I will still push myself to get out and won't use last night as an excuse not to go again.

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

pipsy — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 08:17:09 GMT

Hi there, could I call you 'soul mate'. These MIL's leave a lot to be desired, don't they. If I'd known what I was marrying, I'd have run - fast. Easy to be wise after. I think narcissistic MIL'S go to the same school. Mary's had a great idea for your next get together. That way, discussing past work experiences, you still have those memories. I'm doing fine, I do have 'down' moments, but they don't last. I read books or watch comedies on t.v. My favourite is the re-runs of 'Keeping Up Appearances' and 'As Time Goes By'. Through being on these forums, I have found a 'family' I can talk to. Most of us have been through hard times, so know how to cheer each other when one of us is down. Tony also had a marvellous column re: narcissistic personalities and that's helped me realise nothing I did would've made any difference.

Please keep writing, love to hear from you and know how you're progressing. Remember to take things at your pace, where you're comfortable. You know your pain tolerance.

Much love, if I may.

Accepting long term or permanent disability or is it giving up?

Maureen — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 09:27:45 GMT

you certainly may pipsy. Good to hear you're mostly ok. These forums are indeed very helpful. It's just sad so many of us are suffering and so many people are still intolerant. It is slowly getting better however.

Maybe I should discuss the past joys of MILs at the next dinner. I understand we aren't the only ones who had issues. Could be a hilarious evening.

I haven't heard of either of those shows. But I do love a good comedy. Currently enjoying big bang theory.

Seeing gp this week so will get her opinion as to whether I'm negative or accepting. She knows me better than psychiatrist so will be interesting to get her opinion. I still have a ways to go with acceptance, but I feel due to these forums I'm much better at not fighting my issues.

Thanks for the chat pipsy.

Maureen