topic No good at small talk in Anxiety

No good at small talk

Guest_1055 — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 06:20:32 GMT

Today I find myself thinking, probably over thinking.....well I am not good at small talk. Anyone got any thoughts on small talk? I know it can be helpful in a way but seems meaningless in other ways.

OK bye now

Shelley xxx

No good at small talk

Tryingtostaypositive — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 12:48:18 GMT

Hi Shelley

i struggle with small talk at times. I have recently found out I'm an introvert and find small talk "hard" and kinda boring. but yet I do it anyway to be social at work and when I'm around people. Deep down its near to torture but I also wish I was better at it and wish I enjoyed it to be like everyone else. Tip 1. I try to stay focused and really listen to the person/people I am interacting with Tip 2. Try not be afraid to be yourself. These are things I am trying to work on. It's really hard though when I'm struggling with depression but any little effort I make it feels good to me, even if the feel good feeling doesn't stay around for long.

I hope this helps.

No good at small talk

Guest_1055 — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 13:21:53 GMT

Hello TTSP

It does sound boring sometimes doesn't it? One time the lady at bakers delight, you know the bread shop. Well she and I are strangers, she asked me how I was, I told her the truth. The truth that day was ...... I was struggling with sadness and it was an awful day. She looked stunned, and didn't really say much back.

And yes your suggestions helped. Thank you

With hugs

Shelley xx

No good at small talk

Tryingtostaypositive — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 13:44:02 GMT

Hi again Shelley,

the thing with small talk I find is sometimes we gotta fake it with a "I'm good thanks" even when we not feeling that great. Lately, I been saying that everyday to the people at work, friends and random people I come into contact with.. just to get by in society and "trying to be positive" (why I have that username)

hope that made sense.

Good thing about this forum is you can express exactly how you feel without judgement from others. I really fear of getting judged by the people.

No good at small talk

White_Rose — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 22:36:32 GMT

Shelley

I've heard small talk described as the oil that greases the wheels of society. It's about acknowledging each other, recognising the other as a part of the same society. That probably sounds deep and meaningful and a load of rubbish, but it is true. How do we acknowledge someone else, especially someone we don't know, such as your bread shop lady.

Imagine if that lady only heard "six rolls please." or "two meat pies" etc. That person would start to feel invisible after a while. So when someone says "Hello, are you" they are acknowledging the other as person. You do this a great deal on various threads. You sympathize, console, rejoice etc with others which makes them feel good, which is particularly fantastic in this context.

Small talk in other circumstances has the same reason and outcome. We are all fellow travelers in this world and even brief remarks confirm this to each other. This is why being 'sent to Coventry' is such a shattering experience. When people were exiled as a punishment it truly was an end of life experience. So we comfort each other by short remarks and the general 'How are you' comments.

I expect you already know this but I wanted to remind you because I find it helps to remember why you do things. A casual word can lift the spirits of someone, whether or not you know it. It is a good motivator when you feel it's difficult to chat.

So what to say? If you don't know someone, smile and say my name is Shelley. You get a smile and a the name of the other. And often the other person will make a comment you can respond to. Easy? Well probably not, at least until you have done a million times.

My job involved lots of talking, not just to my immediate colleagues, but to staff all over the state. One of my roles was training officer and there were times when I received a fairly hot reception. Imagine telling a room full of men with very definite views what the Anti Discrimination Act meant. Sometimes I would leave feeling as though I had been run over by a truck. I did get tougher and it did get easier, but I used to shake all over before those first sessions.

So even on my darkest days I can still hold a small talk conversation. The surprise is that makes me feel better to be able to do this even though I just want to run away. Two people have acknowledged each other and we have oiled the wheels of the world.

I do hope that helps as an explanation even if it does not help with the how-to.

Mary

No good at small talk

Guest_1055 — Wed, 23 Dec 2015 08:28:11 GMT

Thankyou Mary for your explanation, I appreciate it. I guess you are acknowledging the person, and you are showing them that you have noticed them. For so long I had been caught up within myself and extremely inward looking. I have been trying over the last couple of months to get out of my comfort zone, and verbally say hello and smile at others, especially in shops. I have noticed there faces soften a bit.

But I still find it awkward if some person asks me how I am, for they probably don't even want to know, and may well be using this as a greeting only. I read something similar to that on some other thread. Anyway I will keep practicing.

Yeah I think it does make you feel better when you acknowledge some one else.

I know this is off the topic, but I am interested as to what work you did. I would have shaken as well, knowing that I was about to speak to a room of men, especially with that topic. But like you said it did get easier. So that is great.

Well a warm hug to you Mary, and I hope you are coping OK today.

Shelley xxx

No good at small talk

White_Rose — Wed, 23 Dec 2015 11:32:07 GMT

Thanks Shelley

I feel better today after a chat with my GP.

Yes I agree. Finding the courage to say hello can be a mammoth task. I remember when I first had depression, getting to work, putting my shoulders back, taking a deep breath, and pasting a smile on my face before I keyed the code into the office keypad. I did it because I was damned if I was going to let anyone see how bad I felt. I have been told I am stubborn but sometimes it is a useful trait.

I am interested in people, probably could be called nosey at times, and in what makes them tick. So talking to others gives me a bit of an insight on how someone is traveling. Like you I do care about people and the easiest way to show it is by chatting. Initially I concentrated on the other person and tried to forget myself and it got easier.

I worked with people with intellectual disabilities for years before moving into staff training. Then I changed jobs and went into human resource management where I wrote policy, wrote and delivered training, set up anti-discrimination processes in the office (when the legislation was first enacted), became workplace health and safety officer, managed rehabilitation, worked on a number of state wide projects. Not all at once I hasten to add. In fact I did anything that was the province of HR except wages. Wouldn't know one end of a payroll from another.

Because my various roles I had to be able to talk to folk. It is easier when you have a specific topic to talk about, which you would know from chatting on the various forums. Starting from scratch is far more difficult. Without wanting to sound like a goody goody I have found that focusing on the other is the most effect way to communicate.

This is where depression is such a killer. We need to talk to each other in general and even more when we are locked into our own prisons, and that is what depression prevents. It's a catch 22. The less we talk the more power it gives the Black Dog and results in us talking less. But like anything we do to break the depression cycle it's jolly hard work and requires constant practice. So here we are on BB talking, laughing, encouraging and helping each other over the hard bits. Sounds good to me.

So Shelley, how are you today?

Mary

No good at small talk

Guest_1055 — Wed, 23 Dec 2015 13:28:00 GMT

Hey Tryingtostaypositive, that is good what you are doing with the small talk. As Mary explained, this act of even a few words, can sort of lift the spirit of the other person.

Yeah it is pretty good posting on Beyond Blue, it is a safe place, and people are pretty kind.

Thankyou for your reply, I really appreciate it and you. And your username..... well it is a good one, that you chose

With many hugs

Shelley xxx

No good at small talk

Guest_1055 — Wed, 23 Dec 2015 21:36:47 GMT

Hey Mary

I am glad you feel better, you sound like a very determined person to me, and one with a bit of fight. Maybe that is the stubbornness or something.

I am guessing because you worked with people living with a intellectual disability, it would help to know what makes them tick. I used to know of someone that had an intellectual disability, and she was a little hard to understand. I think she had trouble understanding things about money, like the concept of buying something and how it all worked. But she adored babies and animals. Your work life was quite varied. Did you find it really interesting then?

You are right it is easier when you know the topic. Like you have a starting point. I think I am getting better at communicating, at least in written form, but verbal well..... I have to push myself, past all the awkwardness in a lot of situations. Like if a relative asks me to visit, then I will choose to go, even though I struggle with fear. But mind you I don't always choose this. I would have to say, if I do verbally speak, topics about feelings, and things of the heart, I find easier to relate to. If I am faced with a lot of facts sometimes it is hard to process it or something. Like maybe it uses a different side of the brain. And small talk, well that falls into this "hard to process thing".

You asked me how am I today, well now I have to think about that and how to actually answer you. I think I am doing OK today. But I am extremely thirsty, so I am going to reach over and grap this glass bottle of water, that is on the bedside table.Yes.... I am still in bed, but probably should get up. Sometimes it is hard to get up and face things. And I am feeling a little anxious about needing to get things done to be ready for Christmas. But yes Mary I have been coping OK, there has been a few times when things have felt overwhelming, and then I would cry and cry.

Well thankyou for listening to me Mary, and I do hope you are OK today. With many many hugs to you.

Shelley xx

No good at small talk

MisterM — Thu, 24 Dec 2015 03:44:20 GMT

This is what gets me down a lot, that I cannot make small talk as effortlessly as others.
I have no damn idea what to say to break silence.
This is why I don't go on dates, I don't know which topics to bring up.
And it made my life hell when I was working in an office, made me feel so anxious bumping into colleagues in the lift, kitchen, corridor, outside on the street, in the car park.
I wish there was a cure.

No good at small talk

White_Rose — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 00:31:34 GMT

Hello Shelley

Well Christmas is over and I already feel better. Spent Sunday either sleeping or just lounging around but I have a bit of energy back today. Probably because the weather is cooler. I did some washing and that makes me feel good to see clothes and sheets etc flapping on the line. My grandson has a week off work and has gone home to his parents. Now I have the house to myself and it's really great.

You asked about my working life. Yes I enjoyed it very much would have stayed longer but I became unwell. Turned out to be the fault of a medication I was taking (not an AD), which made me extremely tired. But once you have retired and found other volunteer work, then there's no going back.

The secret of knowing what makes people tick is to listen to them and sometimes put yourself in their shoes. How would I feel, what would I do, are good questions to ask yourself. That isn't the whole answer of course, because what we would do and say is always going to be different to someone else. The exercise is useful because you are including a person's background, where you can, and looking at the their life experiences. It can come as a bit of a shock at times to realise how others live.

At work I came across people with amazing stories, both staff and clients. And when I read some of the posts here on BB I am gobsmacked again. Not so much because of what has happened, but because the person posting appears to accept it all as normal. I am hoping to do some pastoral work next year. If nothing else it will teach me to shut up and listen carefully.

I believe being open to everyone's point of view is something we need to learn. Agreement or disagreement is not the point. Being accepting is what it's all about. Well, I know the theory, just need to put it into practice a little better.

Did I say I was feeling more energetic? It's 10:30 am and I am yawning my head off. Need to go for a nanna nap.

Mary

No good at small talk

Guest_1055 — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 01:25:20 GMT

Hey Mister M

Yes I know what you are saying, it does seem like others can easily engage in small talk, it just sort of rolls of their tongue or something. For me I want to talk with honesty. Like whatever I say, I want it to have meaning. And I just want to be myself.

I am not sure there is a cure though MisterM. I think it takes practice for people like us. But also I think we have to learn to accept ourselves, and know that sure, others are better at the small talk thing. And that is maybe there strength. But we also have strengths too, just maybe in other areas. Like I know, from reading other posts of yours that you are pretty good with music. And you even write songs, well that is way cool......

Even as I am writing this, I am thinking what could Mister M do on a date. Well why couldn't you just sing your feelings out. How special and unique is that.... And if this is the real you, just let this shine out.

Ok hugs to you

Shelley xx

No good at small talk

Guest_1055 — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 01:56:34 GMT

Hope you have a restful nanna nap, Mary.....

What is it about seeing clean clothes just flapping there in the wind drying on the clothesline. I love seeing that sort of thing.

And the pastoral work, is that just like counseling?

You are right, I think about accepting people. For me I may not always agree on their behaviour, or their choosen lifestyle. Because some things don't seem right to me. It would be the behaviour that I don't accept, not the actual person.

Well I do hope you have a really good rest, and is it nice and quiet at your place then?

Hugs to Mary

Shelley xx

No good at small talk

White_Rose — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 10:14:47 GMT

Yep, had a nap and got up feeling much better. Accepting people is not the same as accepting their behaviour. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour, no two ways about it.

Shelley, for someone who cannot 'do' small talk you have chatted to me very fluently. You have your opinions and interests and you have encouraged me to talk about my experiences. I know it's easier to write than talk, but hey, look how you have coped. You agreed about the washing, and yes there is something about clean clothes flapping on the line. I used to enjoy seeing a line of clean nappies drying but these days it's all disposables.

To answer you about pastoral care, it's more about letting people talk, especially about their spiritual life. I am not a counsellor of any description. It's keeping people company and talking about their spiritual journey if they wish to do this. And no, I'm not a priest of any shade or description. I'm just someone who likes to listen and talk with others, especially those who have few people to talk to.

My house is quiet but then my grandson is not noisy. I just know he is home and sometimes I want my home to myself. I tell myself not to be selfish, but I enjoy my solitude at times.

If you keep going your small talk will end up as big talk.

Mary

No good at small talk

MisterM — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 12:18:02 GMT

Hi Shelley anne,

Yeah I am pretty introverted naturally, I can't change that.
Like I am the most silent in a group of people I don't know too well or don't feel comfortable with.
I can chat away with people I know well and am closer too.
At work people always told me I am so quiet.
I've always been quiet, daydreamer type.
Thank you for your compliment about my music. I don't know if I could serenade a girl, I don't have the guts and I don't rate my voice that well.

Hugs back to you.

No good at small talk

Guest_1055 — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 13:36:28 GMT

Ah thankyou Mary for your reply.

Yes writing is far easier for me then verbally speaking. But I have definitely pushed myself of late to engage with others outside the safe walls of BB. And it hasn't been easy at times, but I think the more I feel free and relaxed or something the easier it becomes. Though fear does come knocking at my door and then it is more of a challenge. Or sometimes I am just too sad and just want to be by myself.

Yes some people would be lonely and would appreciate you listening to them. So would you go out to them, like to their place, or would they come to you?

Hope you have a good day tomorrow.

With many hugs

Shelley xx

No good at small talk

White_Rose — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 21:52:42 GMT

Congratulations on your efforts. That is a huge milestone for you.

Yes, like all things, flexing that particular muscle always makes it stronger. Sometimes it hurts to do that. I broke my kneecap many years ago and need physio to regain flexibility and strength in the supporting muscles. I also needed to keep on doing the exercises at home and they were quite uncomfortable. Since I had no intention of using a crutch for the rest of my life I gritted my teeth and persevered. Taught me a lot about life as well as getting my leg back in shape.

I will start the pastoral care in the local nursing home under the auspices of the co-ordinator. Later I hope to visit people in their homes. Got a lot of learning to do first.

So what hobbies or other interests do you have? I like embroidery, scrapbooking, reading and tracing my family history. I am also a member of a book club which meets monthly, a weekly mediation group and a twice monthly home study group. I like to listen to books on CD which I borrow from my local library. That way I can sew at the same time. And I answer posts on BB when I am not overwhelmed with my own problems.

Wanting to be on your own at times is normal. Enjoy the solitude.

Mary

No good at small talk

Guest_1055 — Tue, 29 Dec 2015 11:16:36 GMT

Hey Mister M,

I am pretty sure I would say I was introverted as well. Yes and quite. Even on report cards from school days it would say that" I needed to come out of my shell". I grew up thinking something was wrong with me. But I now believe that it is OK to be quite.

I was just wondering if you are a good listener then, and can you observe your surroundings very well??

I know you did a degree, what did you study?

Well I hope you are having an OK day.

Hug

Shelley xx

No good at small talk

Guest_1055 — Tue, 29 Dec 2015 11:53:16 GMT

I like how you are very determined Mary. And perseverance is a good quality within ourselves to obtain. I guess this is something that can come out of going through such difficult circumstances. So how did you break your knee cap?

Yes I like reading too, I love to leaf through colourful cookbooks. I am mainly into plant based foods, as I am in the process of changing what I eat. I have an e-reader device which allows me to download books onto it. So I have a lot of cookbooks stored on there. But I also enjoy uplifting and beautiful fiction type stories as well. And have quite a large physical library at my place. And I do own a copy of "Anne Of Green Gables" which is a bit like an audio book, only it is an audio drama.

I have sewed before, but I would say I am a basic self taught sewer. I have tried to sew a few dresses ,off patterns, but I could never get them to fit right. And I have sewn a quilt top, but have yet to complete the rest of it. So what sort of sewing do you do?

I also like to grow and use herbs, I enjoy music, at the moment I have been listening to the instrumental voilin music from a movie called "Ladies in Lavender", I don't know...... it is just real beautiful and makes you want to dance.

What is the home study group you go to?

Hope this post isn't too long now, and I hope you are feeling well Mary.

With many hugs

Shelley xx

No good at small talk

White_Rose — Wed, 30 Dec 2015 00:32:49 GMT

Your reply is perfect. It's good to get to know the Shelley behind the posts. Now the art of cooking is something that totally escapes me. I can cook a meal but I cannot call myself inspired in any way. People who can whip
up a lovely meal in nothing flat astound me, (and make me jealous). Are you a good cook?

I have embroidered for many years and make dresses for my granddaughters. I used to make my children's clothes and school uniforms but they are a bit past that these days. Although I did make maternity dresses for my second daughter.

I am researching my family history and finding it quite fascinating. Hardship and early death, criminals, the move from the country to the towns, large families, second and third marriages, I have it all.

Book club where we read mostly fiction. I think what I most enjoy is being with a group of like-minded people AND TALKING. I think I can talk underwater.

Home group is a bible study group. We are having a break until February when we will start our annual Lenten study. Lent is very early this year, Ash Wednesday being 10th February. This group has been meeting for about five years, possibly more, and with mostly the original ladies. No men although this was by accident rather than design.

Reading is a delight. My tastes have changed over time. I read all the classics when I was a child, including Anne of Green Gables and I keep my grandchildren supplied with these books. I am a big fan of Agatha Christie, Georgette Heyer and Anna McCaffrey. However, since I went to uni in my fifties I find I now prefer non-fiction. History, philosophy, spirituality, biographies, poetry and sociology.

Scrapbooking is a big delight. I have just finished a scrapbook of my elder daughter's wedding and I am very pleased with it. Took several months to complete.

Meditation, though it's more a way of life.

I volunteer with an organisation that helps people with mental health issues reconnect with the community, although I do not do this part. I help people with disabilities learn to read and write. Like many organisations, this one is closed for the Christmas break so I am at a bit of loose end.

I like to be busy and constructive. Not doing something for the sake of it, which is why I enjoy my volunteer role and the prospective pastoral care. And of course BB.

I broke my knee when I fell out of the bath. No laughing please. It's not everyone who can fall out of a bath. I think I tripped but my memory is a bit clouded. Probably embarrassment.

Mary