topic Struggling so much in Anxiety

Struggling so much

HelenM — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 10:37:10 GMT

Life is not good. Three weeks ago my anxiety worsened. I'd been having five or more good days between a bout of about a week. About six weeks ago I had to go for a scan for a post menopausal bleed. Uncertainty is a MASSIVE problem for me. My fear was that the stress would make me severely depressed again. I wasn't worried about my physical health. I know that doesn't make sense. I was so scared that I ended up going private even though the Dr said it would be only three weeks wait. Since then, apart from a handful of days three weeks ago things have been very bad. I get the odd afternoon or evening when my mood is OK. Normally when I'm unwell my mood never becomes worse. Most of this is fear. Fear of my mental illness. I think as time goes on I'm more afraid. I carry on and I'm very lucky that I'm able to continue my routine. I don't think Christmas is making me worse though I'll be glad when it's over. If I don't reply to any post for a while it's because computers stress me a lot. I said the other week (though most unclearly) that I wish I was an old lady. Then I would only have a short while left.

. I hope you know what I mean. Life is very hard just now. A change in meds isn't possible. Because it's kept me well for so long they think it would be risky to change it. Thanks for reading. I know you care. Helen x

Struggling so much

Chicken_Wings — Sun, 20 Dec 2015 01:09:57 GMT

Helen I feel your fear.

its such a scary place when you have uncertainty. My mental health also gets worse when I am worried or stressed about other things.

sometimes I feel it coming over me like a shadow. You feel it coming and you fear it because you've been in this shadow before.

its ok to be scared, I'm scared right now too. So we're scared together. I don't know if it helps to know you are not scared alone, but it sort of makes me feel little more connected.

does crying feel good right now? I know you don't want to get stuck there, but sometimes a good cry can just let it out. It's like undoing the cap on a fizzy drink and releasing the pressure.

i understand what you mean about being an old lady. Personally I want the opposite, I want to be young again so I can avoid the things in my life that have lead me to be how I am and just be normal/happy.

but remember how you said you were having good days? Remember those, hold onto those, aim for more of those. I know it's hard, I know it's scary, but keep going Helen.

Struggling so much

HelenM — Sun, 20 Dec 2015 12:11:28 GMT

Thanks CW for your post. Yes it does help when you're not the only one who's scared. I think that's why we like the forum. We know that we're not alone. I'm very open about my mental health, but I'm beginning to think I want to be more private. I find myself feeling judged even though that's probably not true.

Take care, Helen x

Struggling so much

Neil_1 — Mon, 21 Dec 2015 00:02:57 GMT

Dear Helen

That feeling of being judged is common and again you are not alone. But it stems purely from our illness. It’s another tentacle of evil that it spreads through our being – I wrote a list of other traits that it wants us to feel about ourselves on the other thread that we’re chatting in and this one, “being judged” is another thing that our mind focuses on.

“Oh my god, what is that person thinking about me”

“Oh wow, I saw the look in that person’s eyes and they looked really down at me – why did they do that?”

“Did I really hear that – I think they were talking about me!”

“I’ve read that three times and all I can think of, is they are directing those comments to me”.

There’d be so many more (hundreds more) of bad self talk that we could come up with, but I just rattled off those in the hope of you seeing that this is our mind playing evil tricks with us.

Now I hope that has come across as I wanted it to and just wanted to further emphasise is that everyone on here is a valuable, cared for, wonderful, kind and warm-hearted individual with hundreds of amazing personality traits that all blend together to make each of us the person we are.

Please know that people who suffer from mental health (as well as butchers) are the most amazing people on the planet, friendly, helpful – I’ve added butchers in here cause I’m just amazed that no matter which butcher I’ve ever gone to, they are the most friendly and helpful, up-five people I’ve ever come across in a social, interactive job.

Keep fighting Helen – don’t let the evil thoughts win. We’ll beat them.

Neil

Struggling so much

HelenM — Wed, 23 Dec 2015 20:19:10 GMT

Hi Neil,

I suppose I know really that it's the illness saying nasty things. In fact when I'm well I enjoy being who I am.

I've never noticed that about butchers Neil. But then I'm a vegetarian. When I buy fruit and veg I don't come across any bonhomie I must say. Maybe I'll start looking through the windows of butchers and who knows, if it's as good as you say, I might start eating meat again.

Helen

Struggling so much

Guest_1055 — Wed, 23 Dec 2015 21:56:00 GMT

Hey Helen

I can relate to what you said about feeling like you want to be private. Because I am a very reserved person and for me it doesn't feel comfortable to just blurt out everything about myself. I sort of feel exposed somehow. So I think I only let small bits out about myself. Is that like you then?

I don't know what else to say, so I guess I will say bye.

With hugs to you

Shelley xx

Struggling so much

HelenM — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 11:48:30 GMT

Hi Shelley Anne

Someone told me that I make myself vulnerable by being so open. If you are very private and I'm too open, we need to take a bit of each others approach (if only it was that easy) . I suppose vulnerable is the same as exposed. When you post you are very warm and friendly. I feel I'm amongst equals on here. It might sound strange but I feel as though I'm on the margins of society. I feel I have more in common with the guy I talk to who sits begging in the street. Of course his life is much harder than mine but it's how I feel. If I were to tell my friends they would be horrified.

Like you I don't know what else to say

(((((hugs)))))) to you too, Helen

Struggling so much

Guest_1055 — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 12:36:56 GMT

Hey Mary

I am not sure if your feelings of being on the margins of society are like my feelings of just sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else participate in life, almost like a disconnection feeling. I was just wondering if it was the same as you...

Hugs

Shelley xxx

Struggling so much

Guest_1055 — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 12:40:32 GMT

Hey Helen, it is just me again, I got your name wrong. I'm sorry. I'm embarrassed now, and what to hide somewhere.....

Struggling so much

HelenM — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 17:33:43 GMT

Hi Shelley Anne

Don't be embarrassed.

Feeling disconnected is something I've experienced. At the moment it's more like feeling I'm not as good as everyone else. As though I'm a second class person. I remember when I was working being left out sometimes. I came to realise that they didn't dislike me. It was more as if I was the pet dog. I assumed they didn't like me but came to realise that I was in a different category. I now do voluntary work and lots of us have difficulties in one way or another so they're nice. I still feel as though I'm not as good though.

I think you're a lot younger than me Shelley Anne. I'm 55.

I will go now as I'm supposed to be talking to my mum.

Take care, ((((((hugs))))), Helen

Struggling so much

Kazzl — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 19:39:47 GMT

I just want to say thank you for this thread Helen. I've had a few 'light bulb moments' reading through it. Neil I'm going to seek out your list because your post really resonated with me. As did the conversation about being too open or too private. I've been very open about depression and alcoholism at work, and when things are not good, I fear I've been too open, that I've been labelled and consequently misunderstood or pitied. Yet people thank me for being open. I also understand that feeling of disconnection - when I'm not well I sometimes feel like I'm going through the motions but not really there.

Helen, like CW I can only say hold onto the memories of good days and know they will come again. I cling to the thought that 'this too will pass' when I'm sinking. And it does. Strength to you hun, and thank you.

Kaz

Struggling so much

Manda85ballarat — Tue, 29 Dec 2015 00:05:26 GMT

Hi Helen,

I can't solve your problem but I can definitely relate. I have been feeling the same way and my panic attacks have been horrible. I guess the main thing to remember is that it will pass and as Kazzl said remember the good days and treasure them.

Now if only I could take my own advice.

Take care

Amanda

Struggling so much

HelenM — Tue, 29 Dec 2015 11:13:38 GMT

Hi Kazzl and Manda

This too shall pass. Like you Manda I find it very hard to take my own advice. But all things change. One of the symptoms of mental illness is that you're stuck. In depression/anxiety our emotions are the driving force and so when we try to use our rational mind those very powerful emotions kick them out. When I have a good day I can see through it all. And then I go down and 'realise' that my rational mind got it wrong.

I find the threads can suggest new directions - some help, some don't, but all those different ideas spur me on.

.that line is meant to be at the end of the next paragraph.

I'm glad Kazzl that this thread is helpful to you. Sometimes, someone says something (all those S's make that phrase alliteration, I think (a term in literature). And the way they say it make you see it differently. And so that lovely light bulb moment.

Lovely talking to you both. And anyone else on here. Regarding everyone who uses this site, a saying comes to mind, and whilst some may not like it I find it amusing.

'Life is a sea of s**t and we have got window seats.'

love to you all, Helen

Struggling so much

Guest_1055 — Tue, 29 Dec 2015 15:17:47 GMT

Hey Helen

I hope you are struggling less today, and if not.... please, please know I care about you. Sending you a huge hug.

Shelley anne xx

Struggling so much

HelenM — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 20:29:53 GMT

Hi Shelley Anne

I'm having some better days thanks. Last night we had our twin grandsons staying the night. My husband goes in the back room and the boys, three years old, sleep with me and the dog. I love having them. It reminds me of when I was little and staying at my Gran's. Me and my sister would sleep in Gran's bed. The boys are too young to remember at the moment but it's part of my memories.

I hope you're keeping well, love Helen

Struggling so much

Guest_1055 — Fri, 01 Jan 2016 17:37:33 GMT

Helen I am thinking that must be a large bed that you have, do you all fit.... Yourself, the two 3 year old grandsons and the dog?

I love having pleasant memories, and the one you have sounds special and very homey.

Yes I am OK. My mind is very full of thinking at the moment, so I am sitting in this chair in the corner of my room at 4:36 am.

Hugs to you

Shelley xx

Struggling so much

HelenM — Fri, 01 Jan 2016 18:01:51 GMT

Hi Shelley Anne,

It's a king size bed, but even then there wasn't that much room. I love the boys staying. As you say, it's a special memory.

I'm glad you're doing OK. In Scotland it's 6pm. I plan to go to bed in a couple of hours.

(((((hugs)))))) to you too, Helen x

Struggling so much

geoff — Fri, 01 Jan 2016 18:58:01 GMT

dear Helen, well there have been so many good comments on this post and communicating is always good for anybody unless your deep in the hole.

When we anticipate that our days will improve, then that's a bonus, because relapses come and go, but that doesn't really matter, because it's far better than being depressed 24/7, and what we can learn along the way helps us significantly, even if it's just a small bit.

It's also easier for us to give advice to other people, because what this means is that we don't personally have to do it ourselves, but it's our words of wisdom which we offer to them.

When we are open in telling other people at work about our depression and then perhaps drinking too much alcohol it can help us but then it could be used as ammunition if a decision has to made by your boss on who was at fault, and we often make the comment to ask someone outside of work for their help and if are people you can truly trust then that's good, however with me I was labelled as an alcoholic, and even now as I only drink socially that label has stuck.

I hope this post can continue along. Geoff. x

Struggling so much

HelenM — Fri, 01 Jan 2016 20:43:40 GMT

Your point about being labelled is interesting Geoff. Just today my sister was saying that she was concerned that my Mum would talk about an incident that affected my sister. It could easily have been repeated incorrectly and caused her problems.

Being so involved so very deeply in our heads, it's almost impossible to follow our own advice. On here though there are lots of people to help us. Helen x