topic Afraid for my wife in Welcome and orientation

Afraid for my wife

Tony 24 — Tue, 31 May 2022 04:48:18 GMT

First timer, Hi Everyone, I'm 84 and my wife had her left lung removed last year, she is struggling and I help her 24/7 but I am getting panic attacks and anxiety attacks, Just seeing her suffering before my eyes, this is my trigger, I cannot get away from it. I am seeing a professional next week and have started to take Natures own Calming tablets, I dont want to see my GP and go on anti depression medication, too many side effects. I have this overwhelming fear for her and me being left alone, I have read all I can and go to darts and meet friends, and go for walks. but what happens in the future when you go home to an empty house, how will I survive mentally, I feel I am going mad, have great trouble sleeping , its always on my mind, I try to live in the moment, At my worst I question my worth.

Afraid for my wife

Croix — Tue, 31 May 2022 07:19:00 GMT

Dear Tony 24~

Welcome here to the Forum, a good move on your part as you may meet others who have been in similar circumstances, I am one.

My wife died after a protracted illness and I too felt much as you may do, having empathy for her suffering, feeling no matter what I did it was not gong to change the outcome, worrying and fearful of what would happen after she passed away -how would I cope in that empty house and empty life?

Plus I felt selfish that it seemed I was worrying about me, when in fact I thought I should just be worrying about her.

OK, the first thing to say is I learned that anticipating the death of a loved one is entirely natural, and worrying about what will happen when alone is part of it. It is not a reflection on you, it is just the way things are.

For anyone who supports and looks after their wife 24/7 there is no question they are a worthy person and your wife is lucky to have such a partner as you.

OK, so you have panic and anxiety attacks, that is not in the least surprising, and one does not always go down the path of medication to come to terms with them, no matter how unpleasant or frightening they may be in their own right.

By all means see a professional, however you are in charge, and if you do not want meds that's the end of the matter, and other therapies should be explored. How to deal with the attack when it occurs, how to change what you do to lessen the chance of them happening, steps to take to assist sleep (none are perfect but definitely something worth doing)

Talking to others can make a huge difference. Do you think it is something you can discuss frankly with your wife and give her the satisfaction of supporting you? It is after all a journey you are taking in each other's company.

You may find a family member or friend who you can talk frankly with (I was like a broken record repeating the same things over and over), but a couple of friends were able just to listen with patience, which showed they realy did care and left me feeling less alone.

One organisation that may be of some help is Griefline ( 1300 845 745)

https://griefline.org.au

I also would suggest that caring 24/7 is a harmful thing for you to do. Constant unrelenting pressure and stress needs to be watered down. Is there any chance of having a little relief, either by another taking over your duties for a few days, or formal respite care? You very much need a breather - just as I did.

I'd like it if we could talk some more

Croix

Afraid for my wife

Tony 24 — Tue, 31 May 2022 11:41:09 GMT

Thank you so much, your very helpful advice is so welcome.

Afraid for my wife

Tony 24 — Tue, 31 May 2022 11:45:18 GMT

I would really be so pleased if we could keep talking. thank you.

Afraid for my wife

Croix — Tue, 31 May 2022 12:55:48 GMT

Dear Tony 24~

Of course we can keep talking, we have had a fair number of things in common after all. The only thing I really got out of it early on was that I was stronger than I thought (it is very hard to see oneself as one realy is). Things like being alone really filled me with dread, however I got though.

Do you have any kids?

'night

Croix

Afraid for my wife

geoff — Tue, 31 May 2022 16:19:01 GMT

Hello Tony, and sorry to interrupt your discussion with Tony.

You can contact Carer Gateway who provide carer specific in-person, phone, and online services and support nationally to help you in your caring role on 1800 422 737.

They will talk with you to understand your needs and provide the support and services to assist you in your caring role, including access to emergency respite (available access 24/7).

Online support and phone counselling is available for you.

Can I ask if you are receiving a carer's allowance, plus you can also contact the National Disability Insurance Scheme and palliative care.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Afraid for my wife

Tony 24 — Tue, 31 May 2022 21:57:25 GMT

Hi Croix I have a stepdaughter who is close to her mother but not me, If I say anything to my wife she gets upset that she is making me upset so that just makes things worse. Last night I went out for a couple of hours to see some friends at the darts, Pat cried when I was leaving her but said you go you need it, It was ok but I was stressed all the time, she was ok when I returned, I then despite taking a tablet to have my worst night ever, just restless, I tried deep breathing, read, , in the end I got up at 3am and turned on the tv, I had about a couple of 30 min. naps, I am about to got up the shopping centre for a walk before Pat wakes, I am trying to do the right things but things seem to get worse thank you. Tony

Afraid for my wife

Tony 24 — Tue, 31 May 2022 22:01:30 GMT

Hi Geoff Thank you for your advice, and yes I am on carers allowance, I feel very fragile and confused at the moment, thank you Tony

Afraid for my wife

Croix — Wed, 01 Jun 2022 09:16:09 GMT

Dear Tony~

I'd like to think about a couple of things you said, the first being you have a stepdaughter who is close ot her mum. Now the fact she is not close ot you may be an unhappy fact, but in blended families it does happen. Despite that do you think it might be possible to some sort of arrangement where she looks after her mum on occasions?

It may not be something you can propose, given the distance between you, but perhaps her mum could? What do you think?

As you can see I'm looking at my experience and know 24/7 was too much for me long term, so I'd assume the same for you. Care, activities to support and good intentions do not equal sleep and rest.

The other thing is that yes of course the gut reaction of a person if they are causing another distress is to feel guilty and unhappy. So yes, you wife will feel that way, and I guess that gives you two choices, the same as I had.

The first is ot back off, put on a strong face and pretend I was doing OK, managing well -no hassles. For a short while it sort of worked, but my wife knew me well, and the more unhappy I was inside, the less I could cope, the less I ate and the tireder I became it was pretty obvious this approach was not good and fooled neither of us.

.So I tried, with a fair degree of success to roll back time to when my wife was an equal partner, we made decisions together and relied on each other. Somehow that had got lost in the shuffle as she became ill and I sort of assumed more of her role as well as my own in the partnership

I hope that makes some sort of sense.

So it came down ot my wife doing things ot support me -as well as me support her. A chat before bedtime on this and that, practical things like 'you need to by more sox' and in your case a stabilizing influence when you are having a panic attack.Umpteen day to day things, even reminding me when family members had their birthdays, something I always forgot.

I'm sure there are lots of things, the trick being to see your partner as the same person, even if she gets tired quicker, is in pain, has limited movement and all the rest of the unpleasant effects of illness.

I found placing all this on my wife was not a burden to her -in fact she told me it made a real difference. Rather than being a 'patient' she was herself.

I fully realize I'm making lot of assumptions about your wife, however it may start you thinking along different lines instead of 'just being' a carer. I hope it is possible

Croix

Afraid for my wife

Tony 24 — Wed, 01 Jun 2022 21:23:13 GMT

Thank You Croix , I have on your advice had a chat with my wife, and to my surprise she agreed that I always took the load but she said you are 84 now and the things I said like am I going to die put pressure on you, . My daughter takes my wife out once a week but that has stopped recently either as my wife is too weak or that her daughter our granddaughter is getting married on this coming Sunday, we will not attend my wife and daughter made that agreement and my wife is content with the decision, My wife does not want anyone here if I go for respite, plus I don't think I could be restful away from her, I did until the rains came play golf twice a week, I think this was a perfect storm created by well I think I stared it, you see I was an Project Engineer and part of my job was to plan a long way ahead, so one day I thought plan ahead for when you are single, retirement homes ect. then I started reading how people who had lost their wives had coped and there were so very sad stories and that upset me, Pat was having a bad timbals I could not play golf and then had the Flu so could not go outside at all. I felt like running away. I found a local grief counsellor and Pat saw her and it helped her, sorry its a bit out of sequence I then tried to make an appointment but it was for 3 weeks ahead as she was going away, its on the 9th just a week away, any way on a more positive note and as I told you a started taking some natural calming tablets, ( I know that only anti depressing tablet effect the brain ) maybe its a placebo effect or they are working, the night before was the worst I has experienced but yesterday I took 3 through the day and had a good night even though I was up at 4:30. My biggest help is talking to you, I cannot thank you enough, each day is a battle, talk soon Tony

Afraid for my wife

Mark Z. — Thu, 02 Jun 2022 11:49:53 GMT

Hi Tony,

I'm so sorry, it must be very hard for you.

While taking care of your wife, don't ignore your own demand as a person. You need to spend some time on what you love to do. Marriage is an extremely important part in our life, but there're also other parts such as our own hobbits, connection to other family members and the community, etc.

If you have religion, then there's something more to rely on. For example, going to your church and talking to the Priest may help you a lot.

Afraid for my wife

Karen0901 — Thu, 02 Jun 2022 12:50:12 GMT

It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation.

I would suggest talking about the medication with your doctor. They can talk to you about your fears. I was also very afraid of the medication but I didn't actually have any side effects and it has helped me.

Afraid for my wife

Croix — Thu, 02 Jun 2022 14:08:02 GMT

Dear Tony~

Um, I'm not sure more pressure can be put on you, so your wife refraining from saying things to help you seems to me to be misdirected effort. I understand her point of view, but feel that if the unpleasant facts are spoken of they may assist her. Once you both can mention it then maybe steps can be taken to help you despite the future

You probably disagree, however may I suggest you are very close to the whole matter, and -at least in my case - that led me to assume too much, do too much, and feel hopeless.

I then learned about myself - actually I had no choice.

I'd been brought up just after the war when men were expected to be stoic, self reliant, not indulge overly in emotion (let alone talk about it) and above all to be responsible for the family. Well, I found I needed a true partner to shoulder half the load, discuss matters with to reach mutual agreement and lean on when required.

I also found in talking both to my wife and my psych I was able to unburden myself of so much that was locked away - particularly my fears of being alone, not helping my wife enough, and generally not coping.

Actually my wife took quite a strong view, pointing out I was almost insulting her, just because she was ill was no excuse to preempt her duties and wisdom -she was quite right.

No, if you go away and leave someone else to look after your wife for a week or so then I'm sure you will fret and be uneasy, however there is the telephone, she can ring you if things are dire, and you can very occasionally ring her (not too often, and ostensibly for a chat about non-illness related matters).

The idea is to get you out of the house and atmosphere for a while to recharge your batteries. You never know your wife, once she get used to the idea, she may find it less worrying than she imagined. Being in one's 80's does not preclude new adventures:)

I suspect that we are not always in agreement, however that's fine. A different perspective can't hurt. My main desire is for you to keep on going long term, and to do so wiht a minimum of pain and distress.

I get the fact that you have often been able ot plan, in a way that can be a comfort. Can I suggest that not everything is susceptible to planning in the way you are used to? Human emotions and events are too volatile.

Good luck wiht the counseling. I'm pleased the natural tablets seem to be helping.

With the wedding, could a few minutes Facetime or other video be an alternative?

Croix

Afraid for my wife

Tony 24 — Thu, 02 Jun 2022 19:31:13 GMT

Thanks Karen I do have an appointment to see my Doctor on Monday for another matter I will discuss it with him thank you.

Afraid for my wife

Tony 24 — Thu, 02 Jun 2022 19:35:12 GMT

Thanks Mark I have decided to redecorate the inside of the house, this is something I can do during this cold weather and my wife and I agree on, Tony

Afraid for my wife

Tony 24 — Thu, 02 Jun 2022 19:55:31 GMT

Thank you for your input, At the moment I find the thought of going away difficult I will speak to the counsellor and maybe it will slowly come to happen, I am or

trying to be the strong loyal husband in all this and anything else is letting her down and her daughter will say I am deserting herI know you don't hold this view but I guess I need time,Yesterday I had a better day I was out of the house for a few hours, and decided to redecorate the inside of the house, I find painting calming and will start today, I also bought a picture painting kit to do, I am thinking to keep myself busy rather than watch TV all the time. As I said I had a day without any attacks alought a few were close, I went to sleep no problem but had bad panic attacks from 2 am, I had to get up at 5 am. Tony

Afraid for my wife

Croix — Sat, 04 Jun 2022 11:20:02 GMT

Dear Tony~

I want to start by saying you have done -and are doing -a marvelous job. You are indeed being the 'strong loyal husband' .

The only fly in the ointment, as you are finding out, is that where the well-being of the one we love is concerned it is too easy to assume one is a bottomless well of strenght, which of course is nonsense. One has reactions of one's own, which range from simple exhaustion to more subtle things like thinking one has to try harder and harder, and to distrust others to do a good job.

I guess in some ways I was luckier. For the period my wife was at home then the time in hospital I was working all the way though. This meant firstly I was not home all the time, in fact my wife had to fend for herself when still at home, and gave me distraction and a litle bit of perspective. I could also rely upon her friends to pop in and see her.

It certainly helped, I knew I could be away and all would be good, and got a daily break for myself, even if working.

I would have given up work, however my wife was adamant I should not, and she was right, we both benefited. She was not a 'patient' or invalid. She was herself doing what she always did, if with increasing difficulties and symptoms.

When it got too difficult she went into the hospital, and from then on long daily visits in the evening and the phone were standard.

There are, if you are like me, only two people in the world at that time, you and you wife. What each thinks of the other, and the love between them is all important. What other people think is not. If she does not feel neglected all is good.

I would think the painting is a good idea, like my work it might give some distraction.

I'm hopeful your counseling visit will be helpful, it often takes another to point things out.

I too have bad sleep problems, with nightmares rather that panic attacks. They are not for the same reason, mine are work-related, however unlike you I get up straight away -no lying in bed in that half state where the tendrils of the nightmare persist. I get up, have a cuppa, read for a few minutes (I have restful books that I've enjoyed set to one side), then try again.

I'm not sure this is the recommended method for panic attacks, but at least for me this does some good.

Please let me know how you (and your wife of course) are getting on

Croix

Afraid for my wife

Tony 24 — Sat, 04 Jun 2022 20:48:18 GMT

Thanks you, you have been so helpful, I was in a deep hole, I took your advice,I started taking my anti depression medication and have seen a dramatic improvement with no side effects, I find the lavender calming tablets helpful with a good side effect in that they calm my bladder also, I keep a daily diary and yesterday and last night no attacks, some were coming but were pushed away, I found if I concentrate on something good that has happened that day it helps lift me, I find watching calming videos on You tube really helpful also I did a mediation video and that really relaxed me, I was so tense around the shoulders and it was such a nice feeling to be back to normal, I feel I am on the right side of the edge and a bit fragile but with your help in making me more aware of my feelings I feel I can be strong againI will let you know how My counselling goes on Thursday.Thank you again Croix

Afraid for my wife

Mark Z. — Sat, 04 Jun 2022 23:48:48 GMT

What a great idea!

Afraid for my wife

Croix — Sun, 05 Jun 2022 10:45:10 GMT

Dear Tony~

You certainly sound more relaxed in your last post, and I don't think it's all due to anti-depressants, though they certainly play their part of course.

I get the feelng you are simply more on top of things and not simply being tossed around with little control by life - with no answers. Now some of the answers -o r means to cope if you like - are starting to come.

I've not seriously used a journal for every day. I'd start with the most excellent intentions, but sort of petered out after a while. If you can manage it I've heard very good things for that approach.

One thing I have found htat helps calm me and break a chain of unwelcome thoughts is the free phone app called Smiling Mind. I'd imagine it does the same job as the YouTube meditation video. This app took some practice but was surprisingly effective

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app/

(You can turn off the horrible background music if you like:)

You are doing OK Tony.

Croix